Nicole Responds To The Snow Day

Dear Lord baby Jesus, lyin' there in your ghost manger, just lookin' at your Baby Einstein developmental videos, learnin' 'bout shapes and colors. I would like to thank you for bringin' me this ridiculous storm that has at the very least delayed my work day. You're the best baby J.

Skiing

Gary had his bachelor party this weekend and used it as an excuse to drag us all up to northern Vermont for the weekend. To make it even worse, we had to go skiing, too. It was a five hour drive and it wasn't so bad. You can see the change from boring to snow.

We finally get close and can see the mountain. It's like walking up to Mordor. We get beers and food with Gary and there's no way out. I've got 18 layers on, I can't move my elbows, and now I get to prove my athletic prowess by getting heckled by 8-year-old snowboarders.

Skiing was actually fun. Other than falling on the kiddie lift, falling getting both on and off the ski lift, and skidding off the track, I did pretty well. I finally get the skiing lifestyle. You hang out on the mountain all day, then hang out in front of a fire at a lodge drinking beer. There's nothing wrong with that.

We stopped on the drive home the next day to watch the Eagles game. It went from bad, to terrible, to amazing. The best kind of football game. There's one bar in mid-Vermont that now really hates the Eagles, or at least Eagles fans. We're kicking it old school.

Shutting Up Mary

Because the world needs to know, and because I'm easily bullied by Mary's two comments, here are pictures of Jeremy and Irene's awesome wedding:

That's right. I showed you pictures of semi-eaten fish tacos. Fish tacos in the Keys are amazing. Instead of the sauteed whitefish like in California, the Keys use deep fried chunks of fish and lobster, which is obviously way better.

Happy Brian

I would like to thank the kid whose streaming the Eagles-Texans game on justin.tv. You are my friend. Mary will be mad at you because now I will not be posting pictures tonight. I will buy you beer. Btw, I took this picture with my new droid. It's not cool how much I like this phone.

I Have A Blog?!?!?

I'm a bad blogger. I tell myself every day, a lot has been happening that the world needs to know about. I'm not upholding my commitment to the world. The world needs me to post. Here are things that I may or may not write blogs about:

• Jeremy & Irene FINALLY got married. In the Florida Keys. And it was awesome. The best part of the entire weekend, by far, was Irene singing Tina and Aretha at the reception. She was amazing. As the wedding singer put it, "She's going to Hollywoooooood!!!!"
• It was Thanksgiving, which you probably didn't know. I love how Thanksgiving has become food + shopping. How is that not everyone's favorite holiday?
• Nilda got me a watch for my birthday and I love it, even though it doesn't have a calculator on it. I haven't worn a watch since I broke my wrist twice in high school, and apparently I am capable of wearing one. Score one for Team Brian.
• I turned 35 and did NOT do well with it. I got heartburn the day before and thought, "Here we go, it's all downhill from here."
• I'm now ridiculously into Boardwalk Empire. My favorite parts are the references to World War 1, with all these soldiers coming home from a quiet war that no one has to talk about. It's the best representation of the Iraq and Afghanistan wars I've seen on television.
• Within five days, I went to an Eagles game, a Knicks game and a Rangers game. Here's what I learned: The Eagles game was the most fun, which is probably because I went with my sister Caryn, though football makes more sense on tv. Basketball is a boring sport and I was bored by halftime. I still love hockey and wish the Flyers were on tv in NY. Maybe I should buy the Time Warner hockey package once football is over. Nilda would love that. Here's a video on how they switch MSG from basketball to hockey in less than 24 hours.
• The biggest news of the last 20 minutes is that I got a new phone. I got the Droid X and, shockingly, I love it. I was convinced that I'd go through iphone withdrawal and mourn my apps (though I do miss my pinochle app), but I'm surprisingly happy with the Droid. The iphone has much better graphics and is far more intuitive, but the droid offers more control and is far more reliable and consistent than AT&T ever could ever be.
• This was not an easy purchase. I started out by just asking the guys at the Verizon store when the Verizon iphone will come out. They said they didn't know, but also said that the rumors about a January 2011 date are not possible, since Verizon is setting up a new network platform that won't be ready until April 2011. I couldn't imagine another six months with that terrible iphone.
• Oh, and I like that my phone can make actual phone calls.
• I got the phone thinking I'd switch as soon as the Verizon iphone came out, but now I'm not so sure. It's like when I moved in with Nilda at 498th Street in southern New Hampshire. I made it very clear that we'd move as soon as her lease was up in 6 months. But once all my stuff was there and I realized how much less my rent was, the place didn't seem so far away. I stayed 4 years.
• My parents got me an ipad for my birthday, and it's amazing. Apparently, turning 35 means you get good stuff this year. It's more than I thought it would be. At first, everyone criticized the ipad for being just a big ipod touch. What I didn't realize was that that's the best part.
• Andrew is still a huge disappointment to the family.

Twins

When I see twins, I think two things, in this order:

1. That's weird.
2. Which one is Andrew and which one is me?

The responses are, respectively, (1) yes and (2) I'm the cool one.

More Freakin' Politics

• People are making way to much of this election. The only lesson here is that Obama is still the Democratic MVP.
• The Republican victory is going to make things easier for Obama. He'll be able to respond to arguments, where he's better. Instead of trying to push through his own agenda, he'll be able to point out that the Republicans have no actual ideas other than to claim they don't like Obama's. Obama always looks better in comparison, and there's finally an orange man to compare him to. Obama is going to become much more popular over the next year. This election all but confirms an Obama victory in 2012.
• Sarah Palin keeps me up at night. Who out there really supports a candidate who has commercials for her reality show during Sister Wives? Nilda, why are you making me watch Sister Wives?? Don't you tell me you don't watch Sister Wives, it was on for an hour after I got home!
• The real lesson from this election is that bi-partisanship is impossible. Obama's crucial sin was compromising. It killed him with the left, who saw that Obama was not the progressive they thought, and it didn't stop the conservatives from labeling him as a liberal, which was always inevitable.
• But he really had no choice but to at least try to forge a coalition for health care reform and financial regulation. His mandate was to change Washington and create a new tone.
• Another lesson is the power of the media. The administration kept its head out of the cable news cycle and focused on legislation, but didn't realize that the rest of the country only saw the debate. As soon as there were talks of death panels, the content of the health care legislation was lost.
• Maureen Dowd had a pretty good column comparing this Republican victory to the 1994 victory.
• For some reason, I miss Bush. Is it bad that I want to read his crappy memoir? It seems like an easier read than Harry Potter, with less big words.
• Everything I write is true and you have to believe it. It's The Rules.

Gimme A Break

April was telling me the facts of a potential case. It sounded remarkably similar to an episode of Gimme A Break. April says, "What's that?" Putting aside how I remember the plot of an episode of Gimme A Break, how can you not remember Gimme A Break? The show Joey Lawrence was on before Blossom?



Generational lines are drawn with sitcoms. I was too young for Barney Miller, WKRP In Cincinnati, Benson and Alice. I was just in time for Silver Spoons, Family Ties, Perfect Strangers, Mr. Belvedere and Just The Ten Of Us. But I was too old for Family Matters, Sabrina The Teenage Witch and Sister Sister. I barely qualified for Full House. Here's Alf in Spanish.

So You Want To Be A Lawyer...

I Messed Up

Jeremy & Irene's wedding is on Saturday, November 20th. Nilda and I have airline tickets, unlike the bride and groom (snap!), which we purchased a while ago. We leave Florida on Sunday November 21th, taking off at 7:55 pm and landing at 10:50 pm.

That, unfortunately, is the exact time that the Eagles/Giants game is on that night. And the plane we're on does not have any televisions. We could have taken JetBlue, which has tv's, but I neglected to check the football schedule. Now, I'll have to dvr the game and wait until I get home at midnight to watch it. How could I let this happen? I have no one to blame but myself. And Nilda.

Another Stupid Post About Stupid Painting

As both of you may remember, we painted the foyer last July. Here's the before:


It's been 15 months, so that means it's time to paint again. I'm actually surprised I was able to hold off Nilda for this long. As soon as we were done painting the first time, Nilda was complaining that the color could be darker. Right away, I knew I was screwed.

Painting is just as bad as you remember it. 10 minutes into it, Nilda declared that this is the last time we will ever be painting the foyer. This may not be the last time the foyer will be painted, she clarified, but not by us. At least we had enough beer.

Luckily, we're still married. Let's just say I don't have the attention to detail that Nilda possesses. In fact, my attention to detail is quite different from last year. I used to be concerned that the trim was pristine and had a clean lines. Now, I don't give a fuck. If you see spots that can be touched up, stop looking at them. Go away. Don't even look at the wall.

I now appreciate Coldplay's Viva La Vida. I never really liked it before, but then I heard Weezer's version.

Vegas

• Vegas is friggin' big. Much bigger than I imagined. The Venetian, where we stayed, has 7,000 rooms in three towers. The Wynn, right next door, has two gigantic towers that are even bigger. And both of those are next to the Mirage and Caesar's and a ton more that are huge. There's one gigantic resort after another for more than a mile. Do enough people really come to Vegas to stay at all these hotels? How do the crappy ones even stay in business?

• I understood the concept that Vegas was big, but never appreciated just how big. It's like when my parents came back from Eastern Europe and my dad said, "The Holocaust was really bad!" Yes, it was bad, Dad, it's the Holocaust! Anyway, I'm not sure how I made an analogy between Las Vegas and the Holocaust, but Vegas is big.

• I prep for a flight like I'm never getting off the plane, so I had plenty of activities. And Cousin Bill was definitely right. Plants v. Zombies is by far the best iphone game, ever. I beat the game on the train ride home and I'm actually upset that it's over. Now I know how Nilda felt when she finished reading the Twilight books. Oh, the emptiness...

• In light of that, here I am enjoying the wonderful sites of Vegas:

• Don't worry, everyone, I was able to watch the second half of the Eagles game on the plane. I then watched the Giants/Bears game. On a flight into Newark. Which means that there were tons of Giants fans, each watching on individual televisions with headphones clapping in unison every time the Giants scored. Forrest would have loved it.

• The best part of Vegas was, as expected, Joel Robuchon Restaurant. It was ridiculously good. They treat you like an asshole, which is suprisingly enjoyable. This means the hotel sending a limo to pick you up and taking you through the back entrance of the super swanky Mansion at the MGM, which is reserved exclusively for ass hole guests, and calling you "messier." It was awesome.

• They have a bread cart with 20 kinds of bread. There is a petit four cart with all kinds of amazing cookies, including corn flakes covered in chocolate and gold leaf. We had an incredible cream of chestnut soup with foie gras, bacon, bacon foam and chestnuts. And if I tell you that the chestnuts, the stupid chestnuts, were the best part, you know it was good. I had veal cheeks. Nilda had caramelized sea urchin with lobster. It was awesome.

• My favorite part of dinner was when the short asian woman with huge boobs and bleach blonde hair that Nilda suspects was puking in the bathroom fell flat on her ass while attempting to walk back to her table. Yes, that was my favorite part.

• We ate like crazy the whole weekend, and it was all amazing. Joel Robuchon, Bouchon, Bradley Ogden and the buffet at the Wynn. I didn't know just how good we had it until I ordered my crappy Italian wedding soup for lunch on Monday. That was not a good moment.

• We didn't gamble that much, but when we did it was fun. Nilda even stayed up waaaay past her bed time. Gold star for Nilda.

• Vegas loves New York. The restaurants and stores all advertise about New York. All I could think was that New York wishes it was like Vegas.

• We saw Cirque de Soleil's "O" and I really enjoyed it. The problem is that seeing a Cirque de Soleil show is that since everyone talks about how great it is, you feel like you're drinking the kool aid. Anyway, I loved it. It was much better than Cats. I'm going to see it again and again.

• On the way to the airport, I heard one guy say to his friends, "I wish Atlantic City was half as cool as this." I couldn't agree more.

• The only bad part was that I had to miss The Heller Theory show. Luckily, Andrew made a video for me with a special message from the crowd:

• 
  

Baby Monkey!

You have to watch this five times. It gets better every time. The audio was added to the video. This means that some guy saw the video of a monkey riding a pig and thought, "THIS NEEDS A SONG!" The Most Important Blog In The Universe has uncovered that this brilliant person was Parry Gripp, the former front man for the Nerf Herders who now writes jingles. I remember that the Nerf Herders was one of the many bands with Star Wars inspired names, but I couldn't name any of their songs. I'll check them out on youtube, but first I'm going to check out nom nom nom nom nom nom nom.

Stephen Colbert Testifies Before Congress

Preparing For Vegas

• I've never been to Vegas, but I'm looking forward to going out there next weekend for Nilda's birthday. HAPPY BIRTHDAY, NILDA!!!
• I'm not much of a gambler, but I'm looking forward to gambling in Vegas. I'm going with blackjack because it's the most convenient game. You don't have to sit for hours like with poker; it's not totally up to chance like with roulette; and I don't have to learn a bunch of boring rules like with craps. I know, Irene, craps is fun, but if I don't have patience for fantasy football, I definitely won't have patience for craps.
• I've been gearing up. I downloaded a blackjack app and I'm getting better. I started out with $500 and I was up to $3,000 at one point. That's $3,000 of REAL fake money, Nilda!
• Instead of the $80 one-way car service to the airport, we're parking the car at the airport for $24 a day, plus tolls. How cool is that?!
• We were watching the 100th episode of Anthony Bourdain: No Reservations in Paris and immediately knew that we wanted to go to a Joel Robuchon restaurant. I'd never heard of him, but apparently he was named Chef of the Century back in 1989. His restaurant, Joel Robuchon Restaurant, is the first and only three-star Michelin restaurant in Vegas. Check this out. And with a 16-course tasting menu at only $385 PER PERSON, it's a real bargain.
• We're going to visit Nilda's uncle who lives in Vegas. From what I hear, he likes to gamble and starts drinking by 2:00 pm. I think he and I are going to get along just fine.
• I'm not sure what else we're going to do, but I have a feeling a pool bar will be involved.
• We're flying back on Sunday, late afternoon, which means I'll be missing the Eagles/Redskins game, which is where McNabb comes back to Philly. Nilda, that's how much I love you.

Best Purchase Ever!!

Two months ago, this was the jersey to have. The Eagles had just traded away McNabb and the Kevin Kolb era had begun. The quarterback they had spent 3 years grooming was finally coming into his own, and there was no better jersey to have. Then there was Week 1. Vick looked great and Kolb didn't. I kept saying that the team had put 3 years into Kolb and wouldn't just throw that away. But Vick was too good to ignore, and they still get to keep the great back up that they've built in Kolb. Tonight, Andy Reid announced that Vick would be taking over as the starting quarterback.

Making Vick the No. 1 is the right decision. He's playing great and is a perfect fit for the team. With all of the offensive weapons they've built, including Jackson, Maclin, Celek, McCoy and Bell, the already spread defense will then have to figure out how to protect against Vick on the run. And Vick's proven that he's now able to make plays as a pocket quarterback, not just as a glorified running back. Expect to see a lot more Vick jerseys out there, albeit from men without dog-loving wives.

I cannot wear the Kolb jersey. This will look like either (a) I am against Vick, which I am not, or (b) I am supporting the backup quarterback, which is just lame. And I definitely cannot wear either my McNabb jersey (he's now a Redskin) or Dawkins jersey (he's with Denver). Nilda may not get this concept, but that's like petrified wood, or Heroes, or a Britany Spears comeback. So 2008! But knowing football, and knowing how stingy the Eagles are, this Kolb jersey may still have a future.

Finally, I've figured out why Philly never liked McNabb: he's funny looking. Vick, on the other hand, is widely despised and ridiculously intense. Just like Philly. This might be a good season, after all.

No Flowers Or Pink On The Walls

No! What made you think this wallpaper would ever be acceptable? It's yellow. It has flowers. And it also has birdies. Birdies, Nilda! Unacceptable! I work hard. I work hard for the money. And I have to come home to see this on the wall? This wallpaper sample that clearly violates all the rules?!?! No! Bad Nilda!! Bad!! (rolls up newspaper).

P.S. I came to a realization tonight: I watch The Vampire Diaries. This is something that I am neither proud of nor happy about, but it remains true, nonetheless. Nilda must (must!) watch Vampire Diaries on Thursday nights, and I watch it, too. It's a terrible show, but I somehow know all the plot lines, characters and back stories. This is my shame.

It Is Done

We went into Philly for Rosh Hashanah - and a Happy New Year to you all - and left with a car. The plan was to go test drive and see what we think. Nilda was very adamant that there would be no purchase this weekend. Of course, this is the same person who got totally caught up in the crappy time share presentation in Cabo. Brian really dodged a bullet on that one.

We brought my dad along so we'd have a grown up. It was great to have him, mostly so that whatever we did had dad's seal of approval. Even if he didn't like it, he was there so he was still responsible. Thanks, Dad, for squeezing into those tiny backseats and listening to Len the car salesmen and his never ending diatribes about the history of the Jewish people in Northeast Philadelphia.

We first test drove the Honda Fit, which was the car Nilda was excited about. That lasted about two seconds into the test drive, when Nilda shook her head no and said "mmm-mmm," which was fine with me. We then drove the Civic, which Nilda liked more than either of us thought she would. But then we drove the Mazda3 and we realized that we were right about our first chioce. As my dad said, suddenly "Ms. Not Today" was calling for insurance quotes. Nilda, of course, maintained her poker face, only saying how much she liked it when the dealer wasn't looking at her. Way to go, Nilda.

It's a Mazda3 i Touring, shiny black with black interior. We've already set up the bluetooth for our phones and know how we'll hook up the ipod. This is my first car and it is AWESOME! Though there was a moment today where I realized holy shit I now have a car and how the hell did that happen. I don't need a car, I live in New York! Too late now, sucka.

Nilda and I have discussed what we will call the car. You can't give it a name like Earl or Kit, since that's just weird (though Nilda advised me right off the bat that "Captain Phil" will not fly). I say we should call the car "the car" (no capitals). Growing up, we had the Camry, the Bonneville and the Horizon. We had The Heller Mobile, too, either the worst or most awesome station wagon ever created, but that's a different blog post. Since we only have one car, it doesn't make sense to identify it by brand.

Finally, I'd like to thank New Jersey Transit, for shuttling me to and from Philadelphia all these years. But now you and your no round trip tickets during peak hours policy can go fuck yourselves.

Drinking Outside Is Good

Ah, it's been a while. Hello to all. I write to advise you all about the magical wonder that is drinking outdoors. Yesterday, the plan was that Nilda and I would meet Jeremy & Irene at a beer garden and then go out to dinner. We are, however, talking about Jeremy & Irene, so that did not happen. (Am I right, Mary?) Anyway, Nilda and I found ourselves at the Biergarten at The Standard, since I am NOT getting Nilda to the beer garden in Astoria.

Beer...gardens...are...awesome. There is so much to be said about drinking outside that cannot be said while you're sober. Some of the reviews of this place said there aren't enough beer selections. But it's a beer garden, dumbass, you're lucky if you get three options (light, dark AND wheat). Nilda was into it, then throw in some bratwurst and she's in heaven.

Nilda and I then went to dinner at Colicchio & Sons, where we were, yet again, underwhelmed by Tom Colicchio. I want to like the guy from Top Chef, but it always seems to fall flat for us. At least Jeremy & Irene showed up just as we were finishing. Drinking after dinner is just as good as drinking before dinner.

It was decided that today would be take 2 at the beer garden. We started out at the rooftop bar at The Standard, which is literally above the High Line. Check out this picture of some douchebag in front of the hotel.

It was a good Labor Day weekend. This week is Rosh Hashanah, followed by a weekend of car shopping and football. It's looking like it will be a good fall.

The Douche In Front Of Me At Phish

They start playing a slow song about an hour into the Phish show at Jones Beach on Wednesday night, so everyone starts to sit down. It's nice to finally sit. Then the guy in front of me decides that he's going to stand up and do that white boy dance. You know the dance, with guys jumping around, some with their hands up in the air like it's a christian rock show. This was the same guy who was so looking forward to air guitar that he brought his own inflatable guitar balloon to the show, the same kind that they give away at bar mitzvahs. Man, he was awesome.

At least it wasn't the guy who jumped off the balcony during the set break. He pushed people out of the way and then jumped face first, like anyone would. A doctor on the scene diagnosed him as having a "busted up" face, but it sounds like he'll be ok. They've actually got a video of the guy jumping.

Proposed Dog Names

Luke Skybarker
Kit
Dr. Awesome
Not Penny's Dog
Ochobarko
Feego from Bowwowzikstan
Kanye Woofst
The Dude
Shithead
Mrs. Ellen Barkin'
Michael Doglas
Mordechai Von Poopsalot
Captain Phil
Oprah
Hamen (grogger required)
President Poopenstein

We Need A Car For Activities

If we had a car, we could get so much more activities done, Nilda!

Brian Wants A Car...NOW!

• I've decided that I want a car. And I want it now. NOW, Nilda!
• We rented a car for the weekend and drove to Philly. We only had traffic where the NJ turnpike merges, and putting that aside, it was glorious. I want a car. I don't want to take New Jersey Transit anymore.
• I'm in the bargaining stage. I will forgo the tv in the bedroom to get it. And if the Verizon iphone doesn't come out in January 2011, like the rumors say, I might even consider getting a Droid, so that Nilda and I are on the same plan. I'm a giver.
• We're looking at the Mazda 3. We were originally thinking about a Porche, but the Mazda 3 has a bigger back seat. We're practical.
• Congratulations to Matt for making partner! I guess they set the bar low in Minnesota. Jus' keeding! Welcome to the wonderful world of the non-equity partner. No one knows what that is, but it basically means you have less authority than you should have.
• Years ago, I got an Eagles mastercard because it's awesome. Now the card is expiring and I have a ton of points that can only be redeemed at the NFL store by the end of the month. So in addition to learning that getting an Eagles card was a horrible waste of credit card rewards, I've got a ton of Eagles gear. Check it out:

• Needing to replace my McNabb jersey, I got a Kevin Kolb jersey. Yes, a bold move, but it feels right.
• Nilda got a white DeSean Jackson jersey, and she's SO EXCITED!! Nilda loves football.
• Phish concert on Wednesday night at Jones Beach. Andrew and I are renting a car to get out there. If only I had a car of my own...

Carrots That I Am Advised Are Purple

• I've been following Eagles training camp for the first time. I usually don't get interested in football until September, but man, I'm ready for the season to start now. Maybe it's the ridiculously hot weather that has me ready for fall.
• I don't mind the heat. Yeah, it's hot and the subway sucks, but at least it's not cold.
• I have decided that I am a Kevin Kolb supporter, though I do think McNabb will have a better season in Washington.
• I want a car. I have absolutely no need for a car, yet I want one. I look at cars in the street and critique each one of them. I've realized that my dream car is my parent's 1990 burgundy Toyota Camry. Man, I loved that car.
• I thought the Camry was brown until last week when my parents told me that it was burgundy. Same difference. At least I didn't say it was red.
• Facebook is thrilled that a federal court judge invalidated Prop 8 under federal law. This is not a good sign. I can get beyond the problem of a court invalidating a referendum (the civil rights movement would have never survived a referendum).
• The real problem is that the Roberts court - the most conservative Supreme Court in decades - is going to decide this issue. I see the court using Prop 8 as an opportunity to write a scathing decision about judicial activism, upholding a discriminatory law under the banner of public opinion.
• Strangely enough, the left's best hope is Ted Olson, the guy who made sure Bush got into office over Gore.
• Nilda gets way too into Shark Week.
• The best part about summer is the farmer's market. I never appreciated corn and donut peaches so much. And, of course, crazy carrots:

EPIC SAX GUY!!!

Blue Balls

The case settled. We picked a jury on Tuesday, then went to our judge. While we're there, let me point out that the state court method for jury selection makes no sense. Instead of having one judge assigned to each case, you show up to court on your trial date without any clue who the judge will be. You first go to a judicial hearing officer (a retired judge who reached the mandatory retirement age of 72), whose only role is to send you to the jury selection room, where you will pick your jury. If you're lucky, there will be another retired judge at the jury room to resolve any conflicts with jury selection. It's whack, yo!

You then talk to a bunch of jurors and try to come up with a jury. The whole process can take more than a day. In federal court, on the other hand, you have a judge from the start who runs the jury selection quickly. The whole thing is done by lunch on day one and is far more efficient. It's my guess that state court judges don't like jury selection and therefore delegated that annoying task to others. Also, state court cases will have more of the personal injury and smaller claims, which are likely to settle before the trial even starts.

Anyway, this case settled. And I didn't even get to do my opening! I had been practicing this thing for days. I made Nilda listen to it over and over again. I was all ready, and I didn't get to do it. Bummer. What I was really looking forward to was the closing.

P.S. - If I ever own a boat, I'm calling it "Not Penny's Boat." There, I called it. Dibs.

Quote Of The Day

If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be “meetings.”

• This truly captures all of our lives, doesn't it?
• I've given up on speaking Spanish. I tried ordering from the chicharron lady in Spanish and it wound up with me having no idea what she was saying while desparately trying to ask for one more piece. I speak too much Spanish for my own good, and not enough to do me any good.
• We're starting a trial tomorrow. Logically, I know that it's the kind of case that you'd dream about taking to court. Yet when you actually have to try it, all you can think of is the reasons why it's best to stay in bed.
• This trial is mine. I'm doing the opening, most of the witnesses, and the closing. Here's hoping I don't epically fuck this up.
• If we win, I will probably look something like this.
  

Teen Mom

Please help me. I put on this MTV reality show on Sunday just to see what it was and now I can't stop watching. It follows four teen moms through their white trash lives and dead beat (or dead) baby daddies and I'm hooked. Two girls stand out:

Farrah: She is the worst human being to ever live on this planet. She was a snotty cheerleader who got pregnant. The father of the baby died in a car accident and she was left raising the baby with her family. This would be a sad story if she wasn't such a complete and total brat. She dumps he daughter on her parents and then cops an attitude when they ask her to take responsibility for her life. Asshole. This season premieres with the mom getting arrested for punching Farrah in the face. I call that an amazing feat of restraint by the mother.

Catelynn: Catelynn is my hero. Despite the white trash family of her and her boyfriend Tyler (Tyler is awesome), the two of them are more mature than most lawyers I yell at. After considering both their lives and the life of their baby, they decided to give up their daughter for adoption. Most of the show is about how they miss their daughter and reconfirm that they made the right decision. They get engaged at 17 and you think it's a good idea.

P.S - The iPhone operating system 4.0 is terrible. It's slow, it freezes and many of my gps programs like runkeeper won't work. Fix it, Steve Jobs.

Food

I can tell from ze counter that most hits on the blog come on a Monday, after a weekend. That makes sense, but does not change the fact that most posts will come on Tuesdays through Thursdays, as far away from the weekends as possible. It's been a while, but the most I can offer is a blog about our eating adventures. Oh, the fun:

• Shake Shack: I'd heard about this place for years and we finally went, and damn was it worth it. After being disappointed by the big fancy burgers at places like Rare, I had accepted the fact that hamburgers were all uniform and boring. But Shake Shack is different. It's perfectly seasoned on a potato roll and is just incredible. And a black and white milkshake made with custard and fudge goes perfectly with the salty burger. It's not just for tourists, and it's worth the wait.
• Luke's Lobster: A NYMag article told me about how the price of lobster dropped due to an increase in supply due to the closing of a Canadian plant or something. Anyway, my bandwagon-induced craving for lobster led us to Luke's, which has the best lobster roll I've ever had. Lobster claws with no mayo on top of a toasted and lightly-buttered roll earns its place in the city's best cheap eats. Nilda and I agreed that the crab roll was good, but not in the same league as the lobster. And they just opened up a location right near Andrew.
• Pretzel M&M's: Have you tried these things? Amazing. As good as it sounds. On a side note, Coconut M&M's are good, but Nilda tells me there's not actually any coconut in them.
• I'm mad at corn. The agriculture industry has turned corn into the wonder vegetable and it pisses me off. Sugar should come from cane, not corn.
• La Reina De Chicharron: The sleeper of the city. A hole in the wall near our apartment in Inwood (holla!) is a branch of a chain based in New Jersey that sells the most amazing fried pork you ever had. About 20 years ago, some white guy realized that if he baked a slab of bacon and called it "pork belly" that everyone would like it. He was way behind the hispanics, who long ago realized that if you deep fry the same cut of meat, with the skin still on it, you have perhaps the most tasty dish ever made. I was standing in line for 10 minutes thinking how I never stand in line that long for food. Then the guy cut me a piece like I was at Katz's. I can't believe we've lived here a year and I'm only having this now. Chicharron = crack cocaine. And the yuca does not hurt. Well, it hurts your arteries, but who's counting.
  
  
  

Happy 4th

I never wanted to just write about stuff I was doing, but that's what you're getting. Keep reading, suckas!!

• The parents came in and we saw Next to Normal on Broadway, which was surprisingly good! Nilda and I don't really go to shows and we were very skeptical sitting in the theater. It was like waiting for a BarBri lecture to begin, when you think nothing good can come of this.
• We finally went to ABC Kitchen with Irene and Jeremy on Sunday and it was amazing. It's trying to play off the local and organic fad, but damn, was the food good. I need to find a recipe to make salted caramel ice cream.
• The city is great during a holiday weekend. Everyone leaves and it's kind of like the opening scene from Vanilla Sky.
• The fireworks are much better on tv than in person. In person, you just stand there watching them, wondering at each pause if it's over or not. On tv, there's music and narrators telling you what's happening and no crowds to deal with. Either way, you're bored within five minutes.
• I made sure to get in some Independence Day appropriate activities by watching an episode of The Revolution on The History Channel. Go, Amurica.
• Turns out our Benedict Arnold was a great, vain and ambitious (all the founding fathers were ambitious) military leader whose accomplishments kept getting ignored, so he got pissed off and joined the British.
• George Washington first gained recognition as a military officer when he surrendered and admitted to killing a French officer, which started the Seven Years War. He went on to become a wealthy landowner and state politician, until the revolution.
• John Hancock was the leader of the first revolutionary organization and thought he was a shoe in to lead the army, until his good friend John Adams nominated George Washington instead.
• Is it too hot to run? Yeah, it's too hot to run. Darn it!

Switching To Gmail

I finally did it. After months of agonizing and procrastinating, I am now the confused and regret-filled owner of a gmail account. Welcome to 2004. And, I don't have to worry about the young-uns making fun of my aol account. I never knew what it was to be old until I saw the open mouth gasp of the 26-year-old upon hearing that I, just now, after all these years, stopped using aol. But the truth is that I can't stand the gmail interface. Yeah, aol is annoying and slow and there's too much spam. But I knew all the shortcuts and now I have to learn everything all over again. I figure it will take at least 6 months before I'm fully comfortable with gmail. Bye, aol. I ain't missing you at all. Since you been gone. Away. I can lie to myself.

P.S. - I hit some buttons by accident and messed up the way the blog looks. Sorry.

The Cornelia Marie

The Cornelia Marie was built in 1989, after being commissioned by owner Ralph Collins. The boat was named after Ralph's wife, Cornelia Marie Collins. In 1990, Phil Harris bought into the ship. Cornelia ultimately took majority ownership of the boat after she and Ralph divorced. Phil continued as captain, while Cornelia operated her end of the business from Anchorage.

The Cornelia Marie fishes for King, Tanner, and Opilio crab, and also does salmon and herring tendering (hauling fish from smaller boats to canneries onshore). The ship was seen, but not named, in the two pilots of Deadliest Catch. It was featured in season 1 of the series and every season since, along with the Maverick, the Northwestern and the Time Bandit and the Wizard.

Captain Phil suffered a stroke on January 29, 2010. Several days later, while in the hospital, Phil awoke from a medically induced coma and, unable to speak, wrote a note saying, “Keep filming. There has to be an end to this story.” Captain Phil passed away on February 9, 2010, at the age of 53. His two sons, Josh and Jake, continue to work on the boat.

All this because Josh said on last night's episode that he was "going to call Cornelia."

One Year Later

June 19, 2010 made one year since we moved to the new apartment, and thank god. Remember all those blog posts about renovations? Remember how much that sucked? I sure do! I think back one year ago and remember all the things we didn't have, things like a toilet, a shower, a sink, curtains, food and cable. Yeah, I guess I don't need those things, but you get used to them. Call me spoiled.

One year later and I still love the apartment. It's great to have everything the way we chose it, despite the renovation flashbacks. The dishwasher is my best friend. Nilda did a great job decorating, too. I think that women would prefer a single guy who has no decorating sense whatsoever (me) over a guy who has his place fully decorated. A guy who decorates is an obstacle, where a guy like me means a blank slate, thus explaining my Barney-purple bedroom.

Air Supply

Air Supply haunts my childhood. I was about five years old in their heyday and I still shudder when I hear the name. I blame my sisters, who, for better or worse, taught me everything I know about music. Who knew a pair of theater nerds (one British, one Australian) who met while performing in Jesus Christ Superstar could be so terrifying. Check out this video for "Making Love Out of Nothing At All." It's worse than you remember. The premise is that a Sonny Crockett wannabe leaves his shoulder pad, power-suit wearing girlfriend. Hijinks ensue.

The crazy part is that AIR SUPPLY STILL EXISTS AS A BAND!! They even have a facebook page! It keeps me up at night, too.

Omar Listening

• We just finished season 3 of The Wire and goddamn is that an amazing show. The Wire is to tv what Phish is to music.
• I'm loving your blog, Jeff. I especially liked the post about the guy who died climbing Everest. Just because there are no comments doesn't mean there aren't any readers.
• I watched the USA/England World Cup game, so no one can say I didn't give it a chance. Soccer is a boring version of ice hockey. The Simpsons said it best, "Low scoring, fast kicking and ties."
• Nilda and I did nothing this weekend and it was wonderful. Man, I'm old.
• The farmer's market is finally coming back to life after the winter. I always looked for the largest strawberries at the supermarket, but it turns out the smallest strawberries are sweeter and much better. Did I just say that? Man, I'm old.
• Like it or not, this is a great song, once you can get past the hair, clothes and 80's synth. Andrew and I can prove it.
• The interns started at work and it seems to be going well. They haven't yet figured out that we're all full of shit. I give them another two weeks. Then we're screwed.

Snowball The Dancing Cockatoo

This is a video of a bird dancing to Lady Gaga. Come on, that's hilarious. But what's interesting is the scientific explanation. CBS had a piece on the significance of an animal not just mimicking dancing or jumping around, but actually following a beat. They think that the ability to keep a beat might be connected to the ability to speak, something birds and humans share. Maybe birds are smart, after all. Anyway...DANCING BIRD!!

I'm Too Sexy For My Job

All week, I've been seeing articles about the lawsuit filed by a former Citibank employee who claims that she was fired because her bosses claimed that she was too attractive. As someone who knows a little about employment law, it's touched a nerve.

My first reaction was, really? Too sexy for you job? This just seems like some sleazy lawyer looking for his name in the paper.

But when you look at the allegations a little more closely, there might be something to it. She was singled out from her coworkers. She was told what she could and could not wear. She was judged not on abilities or performance, but based on her looks. If you believe the plaintiff, which I always do, she was fired for it. If you believe her, she was treated differently because of gender, and definitely has a claim.

But still, too sexy? With those pictures? Why would the law want to protect this woman? And this isn't even a jury trial, since she had signed an arbitration agreement.

It all comes down to a strategic decision by the lawyer. He could have played it as a straight gender case, a strong claim that, at best, might get a short column on the daily news. Instead, he made it a flamboyant case about sex, taking sexy pictures that he knew would get into the paper. Its a harder case for him now. He's got to prove that she's sexy and, even more difficult, get an arbitrator to like her. If its a female arbitrator, that's rough (female arbitrators are notoriously skeptical to begin with). If it's a male arbitrator, that's even harder (he's got to tell his wife he ruled in favor of the sexy lady? "Sorry, honey, that's privileged.").

But the lawyer has successfully crafted an argument that led to national exposure and even earned an op-ed from Maureen Dowd. Once you realize it's this guy, it makes some sense.

The Art Of Not Blogging

It's deceptively alluring. You forget about it for a few days and life seems easy. Then you look back over the past few days and think about all the wonderful and amazing things that the world has missed. This one's for future generations:

• I'm back into hockey. I was into it in middle school and then again in law school, but I stopped paying attention after the player's strike in whenever that was. The Flyers make it to the Stanley Cup finals and I'm back into it.
• It's true, there's no such thing as a tv that's too big. Take a look at Forrest's (and Caryn's) new 65 inch tv.

• Now that I'm monopolizing the tv, I think I've finally convinced Nilda that we need a tv in the bedroom. Score.
• My parents have been on a two week trip through Eastern Europe, from Poland to Vienna. At my parents' insistence, we've had my mom's car for the past week and it's been great. Nilda started calling it "my car."
• Who goes to Poland for vacation? I guess they felt obligated to do the whole Jewish history/Auschvitz tour. But I'll choose Cabo instead any day.

Back To Running

It's amazing how coming back from vacation can kill any desire to exercise. Before Cabo, I was exercising all the time and watching what I eat. Now, I don't want the hassle. I'm even thinking about quitting myfooddiary.com. (Gasp!) In an effort to re-invest in physical activity, I went looking for a new running path this morning. I've heard that there is a path that goes down the west side starting at Dyckman Street (200th Street), so I figure I'd look for it. My first mistake was going through the shady looking gap in the fence. It was like going into Narnia.

The wardrobe leads to a dirt path in the narrow gap between the railroad tracks and the river. You'd never know this was Manhattan.

The path ends at about 181st Street, as displayed by a lovely ripped out section of chain link fence, which safely leads you out to the railroad tracks. Based on my extensive knowledge of railroads, derived from years of cartoons, I was careful not to get my foot caught in the tracks.

Still, being outside at 6:20 when it's light and warm, but not too warm (listening to Phish from '93, no less), it's hard to complain.

Happy Birthday, Stella!!!

Monday is Stella's __ birthday, and Nilda & I threw her a surprise birthday party at our apartment to celebrate! She was completely surprised, and it was a blast. The plan was for her to stop by with Nilda's cousin, Kristin, so that we could go out to dinner near our apartment. Apparently, she had been telling her neighbors that she was going out to dinner, even though they all knew about the party. She had no clue.

Nilda played Martha Stewart and the place looked great. This also meant me speaking Spanish to Stella's family and friends, which was even more awkward because it was in front of my parents, and you just know they're dying to see me speak Spanish. We had a ton of food (and Presidente!) and it was all great. Nilda made an amazing pernil (pork shoulder), but my dad still wouldn't try it. The best part was that I got to put all the alcohol out on display.


Happy __ Birthday, Stella. I'd tell you her age, but then she'd kill me. And she doesn't even go on the internet! We love you.