The Most Important People Of The 2000s

No one seems to know what to call the 2000s. I heard the "naughts" or the "aughts" and those are terrible choices. The natural term seems to be "the 2000s" so that's what we're going with, people. The Most Important Blog In The Universe has spoken. And while we're at it, we're calling the next decade "the teens." And I swear to God, Irene, I'd better not get any posts about how this isn't really the start of the next decade since it won't "officially" be the teens until 2011 because no one cares except you. It's and Its are still fair game.

Anyway, here's a non-exhaustive list of the most important people of the last decade, in no particular order:

• George W. Bush: Unfortunately, he shaped the decade and the world. I still wonder what it would have been like if Gore had won.
• Osama Bin Laden: It's who was important, not who was good.
• Obama: The choice of a new generation. He's the brightest and most positive thing to come out the 2000s. Of course he deserved the Nobel.
• Jon Stewart: He was the only real social commentator that mattered, reminding everyone what the news media is supposed to be. Stephen Colbert runs a close second.
• Bill O'Reilly: He energized a segment of the right that has now become a mainstream political force, at a time when Rush Limbaugh was forgotten in a cloud of prescription medications. There would be no Sarah Palin or Glen Beck without him.
• Alan Greenspan: He got us into this mess, but at least has the decency to admit it.
• Justin Timberlake: Yes, this one is embarrassing to admit, but he went from boy band fluff to respected musician. The music industry is better because of him.
• The Guy Behind TMZ: Whoever invented this not only made people look at bloggers as a respected news source, but, unfortunately, made news sources act more like bloggers.
• Tina Fey: She brought political satire back to SNL and became the nonthreatening voice of the urban liberals.
• Michael Moore: He reinvented the documentary and, for better or worse, became the symbol of the angry left.
• Judd Apatow: Sensitive dorks are back. And they brought weed.
• Steve Jobs: This was the decade of the ipod and the iphone, neither of which would exist if it weren't for Jobs. He may be an ass, but he pushes the boundaries of technology all by himself.
• Simon Cowell: No one escapes American Idol.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!

All Apologies

Blogging is hard, people. You have to make time to think of something to say, then actually take the time to write it. It's not as easy as it sounds. I see that I had a burst of interest on Monday. That's not surprising, in retrospect, since everyone has been trying to kill time at their desks all week. I'm not looking forward to getting back into the swing of a rough work week. Anyway, I'm back. For now.

Random Boring Shit

• Hanukkah is not a religious holiday. It celebrates a revolt by a bunch of fanatics who turned out to be totalitarian zealots that ultimately could not hold onto power. Read David Brooks' column.
• Irene has me terrified about my "its" and "it's." "Its" really annoying.
• I read about a professor in Tel Aviv who is writing that the early Jews were not monotheistic. Moses said that there shall be no other gods before God, not that the other gods didn't exist. Now you know. You're welcome.
• I never would have thought that people would be so interested in Tiger Woods' affair. It seems that people projected so much of what they believed in hard work and talent on him that they feel let down. He was an icon, kind of like Bruce Springsteen, who turned out to be more human than anyone wanted him to be.
• I liked Obama on 60 Minutes. I trust that whatever he's doing, mistakes included, is exactly what I would be doing, and I like that. I'm still in the cult.
• Nilda and I are watching Dwarf Adoption. I have no idea why.
• Electric Box is a terribly addicting, but amazing iphone game. Curse you, Cousin Bill!
• Finally, I won the football pool. This, of course, is because I am AWESOME.
• Go Iggles.

That's A Dealbreaker

Goodbye, alarm clock. We've had some good times together. I got you at K-Mart in 2001, back when your cd player was actually an attractive feature. We've gone from the East Village, to Murray Hill, to Washington Heights, to Inwood. But now you're snooze bar isn't working, and how can anyone expect to function without a snooze bar. I'm sure you understand. I'll miss you.

How To Set Up A Christmas Tree

I always said I'd never have a tree, but here we go. First, you have to go out in the rain/sleet/snow on Saturday and pick out a tree before frostbite sets in. There are about 100 trees, but you're only allowed to choose between the two that the guy selects for you. And don't mess with that guy because he's been in the cold for a lot longer than you with only a port-a-potty to keep him company and he will cut you. Then he sticks the tree into one of those funnels they use to kill chickens and you're stuck with it.

After you walked home in the rain/sleet/snow and had to take several breaks because Nilda talks about how heavy the tree is and switches ends and then changes her mind until you decide to just pick the damn thing up yourself and carry it the rest of the way home which you should have probably done in the first place, you're ready to begin step 2. Set up the tree in five minutes and then spend the next 20 washing the sap off your hands and dustbusting up the fallen needles. Get used to dustbusting, it's part of the fun.

Step 3, pull out all of the ornaments that you had meticulously arranged in a box last January and start putting them up. You will say that you don't want to do this, but will inevitably be conscripted into helping. Nilda will start to lose steam after putting the lights up so you have to help to keep the momentum going. Make sure the Eagles ornaments get a prominent location. Garland = pain in the ass. Here it is, in all it's goyisha glory, with the shot that Nilda insisted upon to show perspective.

Last, but not least, you have to put all the empty boxes that the ornaments came in into a larger box. This is Brian Work as Nilda needs help with the spatial orientation. I blame a severe Tetris deficiency that Nilda suffered growing up. That's why The Most Important Blog In The Universe supports the Gameboy For Every Child Initiative.

Once the tree was up, we attended our new building's annual holiday party. Nilda made coquito for the first time (it was amazing!) and it was a huge hit. It's the undisputed principle of Christmas: white people love coquito. We also took this opportunity to play the "you show me yours, I'll show you mine" game of showing off our apartment. Hands down, Nilda has the best kitchen and bathroom in the building. I just live here.

The building likes to sing songs while musicians in the building play along. I swore I wouldn't sing, but before I knew it I was singing about how Our Lord Has Come and Our Savior Is Born. I move to New York, the Jewish capital of the world, only to sing Christmas carols with a tree in my home. Go figure. But we sang the dreidel song TWICE, so that apparently makes it even.

The best part about the process was that I finally got Nilda to go to Applebee's where I learned why and how America is obese. I also heard my new favorite song for the first time. THAT'S NOT MY NAME!

The New Gin

For my birthday, Stella got me a bottle of a boutique gin, just like I wanted. She got me a gin called "Geneviere" that is an old-style "genever" gin, as opposed to the london dry gin that we’re all used to. Instead of being a vodka flavored with juniper berries, it’s essentially a whiskey flavored with juniper berries. And it’s horrible. It’s like medicine with a bouquet of vomit. Who wants to try it?

My Favorite Metaphors

Nothing says "Thanksgiving" like a self-indulgent post about metaphors that I think about on a daily basis, leading to quotes that no one around me understands. How thankful you are.

The Swamp of Sadness: In "The Neverending Story," Atreyu has to cross the swamp of sadness on his quest to stop The Nothing. The swamp is an ugly and sad place, but if you let the sadness get to you, you sink into the swamp and never come out. The point is not to let yourself get so discouraged that you just give up. I use this one with interns all the time. And April.

The Beachhead: You have to decide if you're going to try to stop an issue "at the beach," like in Normandy in WWII, or whether you'll deal with the issue later. Sometimes you want to stop an issue before it starts, or try to build a better argument to use at a later time.

Burning the Boats: When Cortes landed in Mexico to conquer it on behalf of Spain, he burned the boats behind him so that his soldiers knew there would be no turning back. This one is about forcing commitment.

Princess and the Pea: When something is not right from the beginning, it never will be.

The Tortoise and the Hare: If you work diligently and keep moving forward, you'll ultimately be respected for it. Like Jon Stewart. Moving too quickly can lead to disaster.

The Slow Blade Penetrates the Shield: In Dune, Frank Herbert thought of shields that bullets will bounce off of, but which can be penetrated by a slow knife. Kind of like the tortoise and the hare, moving slowly and steadily can be the most effective method.

Why I Like The New Table

The table works a lot better in the apartment than it ever did on line. All the curves and angles that made me concerned about it in the store make it work perfectly in the apartment. The four corners are cut, so it looks like an octagon, so it doesn't feel boxy.

Plus, the beveling on all sides makes it fit more smoothly into the apartment without taking away surface area. I also appreciate the curved saber legs, which contrast with a lot of the straight lines that we already have.

In short, good job, Nilda. Don't say I don't ever listen to you. And don't ever, ever use this post as a reason to ignore what I say or I swear to God I'll take it down.

BLOG HIJACK!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY SWEETHEART!

Te quiero!

Jack Realizes I Am Not Daddy

...and he is not happy about it!

THE NEW TABLE!!!

IT'S FINALLY HERE!! AAAHHHHH!!! OH MY GAAAWWWWWD!!! YAAAY!!!!

Wow. My life is now almost complete. The new table came and Nilda could not be more excited. "It's a dining table, Brian," she tells me, reminding me that it finally replaces the crappy "country" table that she bought from Seaman's (hehehe) 9 years ago. We don't have chairs yet, and won't have any for the foreseeable future, but who needs chairs when you have two folding chairs that make the table look much much cheaper than it actually is?

This table is big, much bigger than Nilda or I thought it would be. Fortunately, the saber legs are not as feminine as I was afraid they'd be. ("We needed curves because the sofa is boxy, Brian," whatever that means.) And self storing leaf = Brian not having to lug this shit in and out of it's protective case in the closet with Nilda's changing whims. The real question is what I get out of this. The answer, is nothing.

Six Months Later

We closed on the apartment on April 29 and have lived here since June 19, yet it feels like much longer. It's been great getting accustomed to the new normal. Here are few things I've noticed:

• Thank God the renovations are done. The apartment looks great, but I'm still scarred months later.
• I passed a big milestone this weekend when the guy at the dry cleaner remembered my phone number without my telling him.
• This is my favorite neighborhood that I've lived in in New York, including the East Village. And I luuuved the East Village.
• I still love the dishwasher. I said it was going to change my life and it has.
• Nilda and I are loving the farmer's market. There's nothing like eating corn that was picked at 5:00 that morning. I think this is going to get bigger, since we saw Food, Inc. yesterday, a great documentary about the food industry. We're thinking about buying a share of grass fed beef (and pork!) from a ranch in upstate New York.
• Our ice maker has been broken for a couple of weeks and we can't seem to get any repairmen to actually come to a scheduled appointment. Damn you, Fisher and Paykel!!
• I go to the park a lot more than I thought I would. I'm hoping to keep that up.
• I don't go to PJ Wines as often as I thought I would, though I have to admit I'm in there at least once a week. I just love knowing that it's near.
• The deli on the corner has a great beer selection. Do not underestimate the importance of having a deli with a good beer selection.
• 3 hours later, we come back from the bar where we watched the Eagles game. They lost to the Chargers, but 5 beers, buffalo wings and an order of sweet potato fries still make a good day.
• I used to joke that the seasons were better "up here," but it's kind of true.

Afternoon Safari Theme Park Delight

The Lawyer Representing The Guy Accused Of Extorting David Letterman Is An Asshole

This douche bag's name is Gerald Shargel, and he makes all lawyers look bad. He seems to have no genuine defense for his client, so he's instead taking this opportunity to get his lame ass on tv. When he is on tv, all he talks about is how "excited" he is to cross examine Letterman, which is a transparent attempt to try to intimidate Letterman out of pressing charges. It won't work (Letterman is too publicly invested to let it go) and only makes him and his client look even sleazier than they already are. And when he is on tv, he alternates between saying how only he knows all the facts or, when he gets a hard question, claiming that he doesn't know all the facts. What a dirt bag.

The defense that the defendant was trying to make a "commercial transaction" is the best thing that has happened so far. How can anybody, with a straight face, argue that trying to sell a story about the purchaser's secret affairs, with a note saying that his "world is about to fall apart," is a simple business deal? And who pays $2 million for a screenplay written by a nobody who's never written anything before? And it matters that he delivered this package at 6:00 am. He did it early to keep it quiet, since it was blackmail.

I go for jury duty on March 8. Third adjournment, so I have to serve. Hey dirt bag, if I get on your jury panel, I have read nothing about this case and can be fair and impartial.

Dayman v. Nightman

Day Man-It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia - watch more funny videos

Four Blogs In One! Four Blogs In One!

Why I Didn't Vote: Yeah, Bloomberg is fine, but I can't forgive him for changing the rules to allow him to run for a third term. And it pissed me off how he spent so much trying to drive Thompson into the ground. The voters must have agreed with me, since there's no explanation why Thompon, who sucks, kept the race so close. Still, I'm glad Bloomberg won. If I had voted, I would have voted for Nilda for mayor. If I have to be bossed around by her, so should everyone else.

The Most Important Blog In The World Endorses The Phillies: This may all be moot by now, but I've realized that I have to go with the Philly team. I simply cannot come to grips with supporting the other side, especially the Yankees. They're successful but annoying, like Hugh Jackman, or Halle Berry. Rooting for the Phillies reaffirms my being from Philadelphia, just like fasting until 2:00 pm on Yom Kippur reaffirms my being Jewish. (Yes, Nilda, it's still fasting if you have coffee and Tastykake chocolate covered donuts.) I'm still more excited about the Eagles/Cowboys game on Sunday than about the World Series. I'm making ribs.

The New V Series Is Better Than I Thought It Would Be: It started out like any other crappy ABC series, but I was into it by the end. I also never realized how much I remembered from the original series, like the fact that the main lady was named Diana or that there was an alien with a square head who was called the "fifth column," whatever that meant. And it's cute how they're trying to make it this political allegory, with the aliens of unclear origins offering "hope" and universal health care, while the press is too busy sucking up to question them.

The Dark Days Begin: I thought it would settle, but that's not going to happen. Brian is about to get a lot of experience on a case where he has nothing to lose.

Why I Don't Like Baseball

So I'm watching the World Series, but I still can't see myself getting into baseball year round. I'm from Philly and I live in New York, so a Phillies/Yankees World Series has some obvious appeal to me. But I don't care enough about either team, or baseball, really, to get interested. Here's why:

• Baseball is too simple. Every down in football is like a chess match, but you know what to expect with each play in baseball.
• There will be a lot of football analogies. If my readers can't handle it, then both of them should stop reading any further.
• There's no time to figure out how to react in baseball. The pitches go too fast for me to figure out what's going on, and by then it's too late.
• What can be planned is too boring to be interesting. For example, hitting it to left field, bunting, throwing a fast ball v. a breaking ball, that's all easily categorized into simple rules for different scenarios. There isn't enough room in the rules for innovation.
• Baseball is all about pitching. You could strip the game down to a pitcher and a batter and it would still make sense. If you don't like pitching, like me, then most of the game is lost.
• The calling of balls and strikes is way too subjective, like grades in law school. A pitch that looks clearly out to me will be called a strike and I don't get it.
• Standing on "base" is gay.
• Full disclosure = Andrew and I played little league and we both sucked. I was told I always stepped "away" from the pitch, not wanting to get hit by the ball. One time I decided to step into the pitch and got hit right in the nose. From then on, I was called "Target 2" (Andrew was "Target 1," which I thought was unfair, since he never got hit). Why didn't I like sports?
• Of course I stepped away from the pitch! Some 8-year-old with no idea what he's doing is throwing a ball at me and I'm supposed to just stand there? No thank you, Mr. Clipboard!
• I have good memories of going to Red Berry's Baseball Camp during the summers in Florida. One of the counselors called us "Heckle & Jekyll" and it took me all summer to figure out what the hell that meant.
• The counselors once asked the campers who was going to win the All Star game that night and I was one of only two who thought the American League was going to beat the National League. I was all proud of myself but the truth was that I had no idea what the hell they were talking about and I only voted for the American League because we're American, right?
• Baseball was fun because when it was all over, you'd get a snow cone.
• There are still moments where I get baseball. It's more of a game than a sport. Still, when it's professional football season, which is on a level that is way beyond me, baseball seems like a kid's game.

Getting More Out Of Life

• Ha! Gotcha. I don't blog about that shit. I'm perfectly content getting as little out of life as possible.
• For last night's game, I got the Desert Pepper queso instead of the Tostito's queso. The Tostito's is way better. One time in law school we ran out of chips so I had it with Total cereal and it was amazing.
• I never want anything for my birthday, but if I were to make a list this year, here's what would be on it, in no particular order: that book about Manhattan before people, Beatles Rock Band (which Nilda cannot get me), cuff links, a wireless keyboard and mouse set for work, some kind of specialty micro-brew style gin. Nilda, of course, is not allowed to get me any of that. She has to "surprise" me.
• I'm bored with the news. I think that's because I trust that whatever Obama is doing is exactly what I would be doing in the same situation. I actually miss George Bush sometimes.
• I do not like Michael Bloomberg. Yeah he's a good mayor and all, but there should be a price for changing the rules so that you can run for a third term.
• Häagen-Dazs' "five ingredient" vanilla ice cream is perhaps the best ice cream ever made. Andrew, you have to try it.
• "Häagen-Dazs" has absolutely no meaning and was made up by its creators (Polish immigrants from the Bronx) to look Scandinavian.
• The Philadelphia Eagles can destroy the Washington Redskins on Monday Night Football, and the Philadelphia press will still complain about how terrible they played. You have to love fans that care and know their stuff.
• We're switching from Westlaw to Lexis at the office. Wish us luck.

Thursday Night News

• Nilda bought the crappy paper towels again. I don't know what brand they are because Nilda threw out the packaging, but I know they're crappy because (a) Nilda threw out the packaging and (b) they feel crappy. Hey Nilda, stop buying the crappy paper towels.
• I'd like to amend my recent comment that Lisa Loeb's "Stay" would be a hit if it came out today to include that within three years, someone will re-record the song and it will featured on a teen drama. Remember my name.
• Running in the morning has changed in the fall. It's now colder and darker. Any tips, Jeff?
• Nilda, is not allowed to get me Beatles Rock Band for my birthday. It's not that I don't want it. It's that I always have to "surprise" her and letting her get me that is just too damn easy.
• Andrew got me really into The Band. They were a bunch of guys who used to back Bob Dylan (hence, "the band), and went on their own. They tried to capture the spirit of the south in the immediate post-civil war period and, in the process, changed the perception of southern music. The irony is that they're Canadian.

P.S. - Andrew and I are getting a rehearsal space this weekend. We're putting the band back together.

You Haven't Blogged In A While

• Oh really, Nilda? Thanks for letting me know.
• This is a week late, but Obama deserved to win the Nobel peace prize. No other figure in recent history has done such a powerful job of changing the tone of the world in such a short period of time. Because of him, it's now popular for world leaders to talk in open dialogues, which is a remarkable achievement.
• Lisa Loeb's "Stay" came on my itunes today. It's a cheesy and dated song, but it'd be a hit if it came out today. Yeah, I said it.
• There's a scene in Woody Allen's "Annie Hall" where the two main characters are people watching and say that one pedestrian won the "Truman Capote look-alike contest." That pedestrian was actually Truman Capote in a cameo appearance.
• I put Annie Hall on my iphone and watched it on the train. You should really watch it if you haven't seen it. Even if you don't like Woody Allen, it's an amazing movie and you can understand why it beat Star Wars for the best picture oscar.
• I am addicted to the Phase 10 application I got for the iphone. Admitting I have a problem is the first step.
• Nilda and I are experimenting with our oven's "perfect turkey" feature. It's an exciting night in the Heller house. That's right, Nilda, you're a Heller now.
• Michael Vick isn't working out with the Eagles. They don't really need him and nobody seems to be fooled by the wildcat. But signing him was still a brilliant move. They got him really cheap and after a one year PR fix-up, they can trade him for a lot more, probably with draft picks. That's right, Andy Reid's gonna flip Michael Vick like a house on TLC.
• Phish is playing another Halloween show this year, where they dress up like another band and play an album. Previous Halloween shows have included the Beatles' White Album and the Talking Heads' Remain in Light. They've listed a whole bunch of albums they might cover.
• Here's a moral quandary. Someone out there has created a blog with a link to where you can download each of these albums for free. I don't know how I feel about this. On the one hand, I know I should be paying for music, but on the other hand, it's free and it's hard to say no. I blame the music industry for failing to figure out how to deal with the internet.
• The super finally installed the tub faucet. I know you're just DYING to see what it looks like, so here it is, you lucky devils, you:

Hitler Learns Which Album Phish Will Cover On Halloween

Nilda's New Stationary

Letterman & Sexual Harassment

I know nothing about the case or what happened, and the following is not a legal opinion or advice blah blah blah, but in my EXPERT opinion, there does not seem to be much risk to CBS for a sexual harassment lawsuit. It doesn't look like any of the conduct was unwelcome and it's not against the law to have a relationship with your boss (though it's not a good idea to have a relationship with your employee). In short, unless some allegations come out about Letterman making threats to coerce these relationships, which seems highly unlikely, it's not a case I'd be interested in handling.

Where The Wild Things Are

"Where the Wild Things Are" was published in 1963, written by Maurice Sendak, the third child of a Jewish couple from the Warsaw shtetls. The book originally focused on horses, but his publisher said he couldn't draw horses and he instead drew "things" of caricatures of his aunts and uncles from his childhood in Brooklyn. The book was well received, but criticized for being too scary for kids.

Spike Jonze has been working on a film version of the movie since about 2002. Sendak, a fan of "Being John Malkovich" and "Adaptation," had been asking Jonze for years prior to that, but Jonze declined, saying he did not know what he could add. He finally agreed to make the film after realizing that he could make a movie where the "wild things" are the big and scary emotions kids face growing up. The movie is about what it's like to be 9 years old.

The film took five years to make, stalling when Universal balked at initial audience reactions and fears that children would find it too scary. Ironically, these are the same fears that critics erroneously felt about Sendak's book.



P.S. - Spike Jonze's real name is Adam Spiegel. People started calling him "Spike" when he was 13 because of the haircut he had and would give to others, and the "Jonze" referred to an old bandleader named Spike Jonze.

Happy Birthday, Nilda!

Happy birthday, pookie butt. I love you with all my heart and I hope you're looking forward to dinner at a surprise location. I don't want to give anything away, but let's just say that if you like soup, salad and BREADSTICKS, you're going to be happy. Happy birthday. May your year be filled with teen vampire dramas, design, endless pasta bowls and more of me than you can handle. Kisses!

People To Know

Here's a list of of the top 10 occupations of people that are the most useful to have in your life:

1. Doctor - someone to call when you just need an antibiotic and don't have time to go to the doctor.
2. Contractor - because you'll always need something fixed, and an all around handyman is ideal.
3. Lawyer - at first I thought about not even including this on the list, but have since reconsidered and think it's good to have someone who knows the legal system and knows how to argue.
4. Accountant - they can take a look at your returns and make sure you're not missing anything. For free!
5. Stock broker - if you're into that kind of thing, and it would probably be easier to be into that kind of thing if a friend of yours was a stock broker.
6. IT guy - who you gonna call when your computer breaks? Dell?
7. Mechanic - someone who will take a look at your car without making you feel ripped off.
8. Policeman - not having any friends who are cops, I can only imagine that having one is a big help under the right circumstances.
9. Electrician - something electrical is going to break, or you're going to need install a light fixture, and your contractor friend isn't licenced for that.
10. Carpenter/plumber - you can never know enough people who know how to fix shit.

Others that didn't make the top ten: parking professional (having someone who can get you a spot at a lot for free is awesome. thanks, Forrest), butcher (for fun), mortgage broker/insurance salesman (when you need him, you need him, and it's free so it's great), tailor (to fix your pants), chef (great dinner parties), politician/judge (more of a fantasy), bartender (this seems to be more of a benefit for girls), account representative for a branding agency (wait, what? who needs that?).

Badass Of The Day: Paul Brown

Paul Brown is arguably the most influential and important coach in professional football history. Born in 1909 in Ohio, he played quarterback in high school and college, at the Miami University of Ohio, but was too small for Ohio State or professionally (he was only 140 lbs). He returned to his high school alma mater as a football coach, with a 80 victories, 8 defeats and 2 ties over 9 seasons. Brown was nominated by the high-school coaches association to become the head coach for Ohio State in 1941, which many thought was to get him out of their league. He led Ohio State to a Big Ten championship before being commissioned into the navy in 1943.

After the war, Brown was signed to be coach and general manager of Cleavland's team in the new (and doomed) All-America Football Conference ("AAFC"), a rival to the NFL. The team was dubbed "the Browns" in honor of Brown, in a contest where fans named the team. The Browns won all four championships in the AAFC from 1946-49. Brown went on to found the Cincinnati Bengals and won seven NFL conference titles and three championships from 1950-62.

Brown's innovations changed the game of football, and included:

• Brown was the first to use game film to evaluate players and to teach new plays to players.
• Brown introduced playbooks and classroom instruction to professional football.
• Brown was the first to hire full-time, year-round assistant coaches, instead of part-time assistant coaches. He used these assistants' contacts at colleges to develop a scouting system.
• Brown was the first to give players intelligence and psychological tests to judge their ability to learn and improve.
• He was the first to test speed in the 40-yard dash.
• He was the first to use players as messengers to call plays to the quarterback.
• Brown was the first to station assistants high in the stadium to get a better view of the plays, with a telephone to the bench.
• Brown invented the face mask.
• Brown believed that the solid foundation of a football team was blocking and tackling.
• Brown was strict that his players be able to write out plays from memory. He once fired an All-American rookie who failed one of these tests.
• Brown insisted that his players clean up the image of professional football players, implementing rules against smoking, swearing and going to nightclubs. He required that his players wear coats and ties on the road.

Stealing From Irene's Blog, Again

Because really, where else can you find this stuff?


EMBED-Awesome 80s Video Dating Pickup Lines - Watch more free videos

On Notice

As the most important blog of all time, it is my responsibility to foster and mentor younger, blogs. It reflects my commitment to the future. But sometimes, new blogs don't live up to their end of the bargain. You started a blog because it looks fun and easy, only to learn that it can be a pain in the ass. So you forget about your blog and ignore the responsibility that you assumed. So all those errant blogs to the right -- and you know who you are -- are all on notice. Show some commitment. Poop or get off the internets.

P.S. - I now have "All The Single Ladies" as my ring tone. This officially makes me the coolest person of all time.

An Admission

Miley Cyrus' "The Climb" is a great song and she sounds great singing it. There. I said it. Let the healing begin.

Kanye Interrupts Obama

Chinese Guy v. Kanye West

Japanese Toilet Humor

Toilettes japonaises piégées - Koreus

I Need To Stop Using The Word "Wicked" So Often

• I need a good idea for an interesting blog. Any ideas? Or are you just going to keep bitching, Matt?
• Go Iggles. I'm trying to think of ideas that do not involve football. It's harder than it sounds.
• Dexter season 3 was amazing. If you have not watched Dexter yet, put it in your queue. Yes, I assume that everyone else has netflix, too.
• I think I have to buy the Beatles Rock Band. It's not that I'm dying to play Rock Band, but come on, it's the Beatles. I'm probably going to have to get the remasters, too. I'll bet they're amazing.
• A public option for health insurance sounds like a really good deal to me. I'd probably save a fortune.
• Nilda has started watching Gossip Girl. God help us all.

Kingda Ka

Nilda and I went to Great Adventure (Gran Aventura!!!!) on Sunday and it was awesome. I'd never been and it was great. Nilda, of course, hurt her neck on all the roller coasters, because only Nilda would hurt her neck on a roller coaster. Needless to say, we spent the NJTransit trip back to NY on Monday looking up "whiplash" on webmd. Our children are going to be remarkable athletes.

My favorite coaster was the Kingda Ka, a stupid name for the fastest (0 to 128 mph in 3 seconds) and largest (456 feet) roller coaster in the world. It's only a 50 second ride, shooting the car from a launcher onto a straight, vertical spiral, up and then down again. Nilda spent all day working up the courage to go on it and is VERY PROUD of herself for going on it! Except now she can't turn her head. Good times.



I also liked the El Toro roller coaster, and yes I realize that "the" and "el" mean the same thing, so that "the El Toro" really doesn't make sense grammatically. Sue me. It has the steepest drop of any wooden roller coaster in the world (76 degrees) and is the third fastest (70 mph). As high as it is, it's still less than half the height of Kingda Ka, but is an intense ride.



Then I kicked the old dancing guy in the teeth and had funnel cake. What a great day!

Nilda, Destroyer of Plants, Vanquisher of Flora

Michael Jackson Is More Interesting Than I Thought

GQ had an article on Michael Jackson that focused on the time right before Off the Wall (and right before plastic surgery) through his appearance at the Motown 25th Anniversary show, where he performed Billie Jean. The cover reads, "When Michael Was Cool." Here are the highlights:

• Michael's great-great grandfather on his mother's side was an Alabama plantation slave named "Prince Screws," who names his son Prince Screws, Jr., who then had Prince Screws III. Michael naming his sons "Prince" actually means something.
• When Michael was 17, he watched Stevie Wonder made "Songs in the Key of Life." Stevie doesn't ask Michael to do anything on the record. Michael just watches.
• Michael started writing his own songs at home, singing the instrumental parts into a recorder. He is passable at piano and plays bass. This was how he made the first recording of "Don't Stop 'Til You Get Enough."
• He records at home with his brother Randy and sister Janet. They are both younger than him.
• Michael's high falsetto voice was carefully crafted to maintain his ability to sing in a higher range, isolating certain vocal cords.
• Michael, in a moment of anger, once, broke into a deep, gruff voice, his natural voice. Liza Minnelli claims to have heard this other voice, too.
• Michael would give detailed interviews to Ebony and Jet magazines, talking about how he trusted only them and that he would speak only them.
• He used to consistently push that he was not gay. He said, "There's a reason why I was created male. I'm not a girl."
• Quincy Jones, who produced Off the Wall and Thriller, used to call Michael "Smelly," since he kept covering up his nose.
• A songwriter brought "Rock with You" to him to record. He went home and wrote "Don't Stop 'Til You Get Enough."
• Michael only agreed to perform with the Jackson 5 at the Motown 25th Anniversary show after he was promised a solo performance of a non-Motown song. He did "Billie Jean." When he was done, Richard Pryor said, "That was the greatest performance I've ever seen."
• Michael messed up the dance moves on "Billie Jean." He wanted to hold toe stand after the moonwalk longer.
• He's got a weird thing with kids, but it seems too far-fetched to think that he was a child molester.
• There are pictures floating around of what Michael would look like if he had not had surgery. I don't know how accurate they are, but here's one of them.
  
  

Back From Miami

• Delta is horrible. We got to the airport and went to check in. After waiting in line, because you have to wait in line at Delta, we were told that we were 4 minutes late (seriously!) and could not check our bags. The flight was supposed to leave at 6:30 and it was 5:34 pm. This is after we already paid $15 just to check one bag. We are never flying Delta again.
• Once we got on the plane, we had to wait on the runway for 2 hours.
• A shitload of Rum & Cokes on the plane = happy Brian & Nilda.
• Miami is amazing to look at. I never thought I would say this or know what it means, but I love art deco architecture.
• Cuban coffee = fucking awesome.
• No one in Miami will speak Spanish to me. I speak Spanish to them, they answer me in English. I keep speaking Spanish to them, they keep eh-speaking English to me. I can't win.
• I love the beach.
• We stayed at Nilda's family's condo by the beach. I love it there, but I can't see how people live there year round, in that vacation limbo.
• I was floating in the ocean thinking how nice it would be to have a place near the beach. Then I remembered that we were staying there, dumbass.
• We had one of the best expensive dinners we ever had at the Palme D'Or at the Biltmore Hotel in Coral Cables. It was absolutely incredible. I kept thinking how Irene would love it.
• Having a car is nice, but having to drive everywhere sucks. It severely impacts your permitted alcohol consumption.
• We were bumped to first class on the way home. The flight attendant said it was because we didn't bother her during boarding. Lesson learned.
• There were a lot of kids on the flight. I realized that Andrew and I, as kids, must have been the worst passengers ever.
• At 10:00 am on Monday morning, I was thinking about how in 24 hours, I'd be at work. Tuesday morning at 10:00 am sucked.
• We have to go back this winter, Nilda.

Working Weekend

Things are crazy at work right now. I'm taking a deposition on Wednesday, defending a deposition on Thursday, both while I have an opposition to a motion for summary judgment due on Friday, which still needs a lot of work. Oh, and I also have another motion due early the following week, which I forgot about.

So, of course, I'm off to Miami for the weekend! Nilda and I are leaving tomorrow night and we won't be back until Monday night. See you next week.

GI Joe Is A Terrible Movie

In my ongoing efforts to be romantic, I took Nilda to see District 9 this weekend. It was a smart, thought-out movie that was well made and did not get boring. Even the plot holes (human and aliens understanding each other but each speaking their respective languages) seemed to make sense, somehow. The political allegory was there yet not overdone, and I loved it. Nilda, not so much.

Nilda, throughout the movie, entertained both myself and our fellow movie-goers with a running commentary on why the move was, and I quote, "the worst movie of all time." Ugly looking aliens that Nilda cannot look at + a shit load of gore = NOT NILDA'S MOVIE. As punishment, Nilda made me go see GI Joe the very next day. Two movies in two days seems like a lot, yes, but Nilda, apparently, had to get rid of the "bad taste" she had from District 9.

GI Joe was horrendous. It was not that it was stupid, with obvious plot holes and horrid acting. That was to be expected. This movie has made clear that no one, ever, should actually say, in any form of seriousness, any of the following:

• "The Joes won't know what's coming."
• "Knowing is half the battle."
• "It's all up to the Joes, now."
• "Are they Joes?"

Worst of all, I had to sit there and watch Adebisi from Oz say, "Yo Joe," and be serious about it. (Oddly missing was someone yelling "Cobra!," which I guess even this terrible movie couldn't pull off.) I don't know if I'll ever recover.

Nilda tells me that District 9 was "so bad" that she gets credit for two more of her movies. I appealed, saying that I had gone to see Twilight with her, which only led to Nilda declaring that I would be seeing New Moon with her, in addition to some other movie, probably starring Katherine Heigl. I am in trouble.

Best Idea Ever

• Whoever thought of putting vitamins into gummies was a genius. I'm gonna be the healthiest motherfucker out there.
• Settling into the new apartment is better than I thought it was going to be.
• No, my commute isn't any longer, just two more stops on the same subway route I used before.
• I said this dishwasher was going to change my life and it has. I love my dishwasher, and I'm not afraid to admit it.
• My ice maker is my friend.
• Brian. Is. Ready. For. Football.
• It is an injustice that the Eagles are playing New England tonight and I can't watch it because Time Warner doesn't carry the NFL network. But who really cares because it's just preseason.
• Kate Gosselin is a genius. In just a few months, she went from having the whole country hating her to being on her side. She is the Hillary Clinton of reality tv.
• I've been running in the park in the mornings. I never would have thought I would, but I love it. And unlike going to the gym, I can shower at home. The parks around here are surprisingly nice at 6:30 in the morning:

The End Of The Renovations

We thought this day would never come, but here we are. We can cook, shower, AND go to the bathroom, so it seems we may have finally reached the end of renovating the apartment. Thank the lord and praise his name. Here's a look back on how far we've come. Nilda, if you post any comments about how how we have more to do, I swear to God I burning your Twilight dvd. And I am not kidding this time!

The bathroom before...

...and after.

The kitchen, "in all its 1940's glory..."

...and with enough counter space to take a nap.

The living room that is bigger than my old studio...

...now featuring everyone's favorite light fixtures. Please ignore the table. I am advised that it shall be replaced forthwith.

The bedroom before...

...and after Barney exploded, although I do have to admit that I like it. Yes, Nilda, I know it's not pink, but only because Dad confirmed your claims.

The foyer...

..and after we ripped out the poor kitchen door who didn't hurt anyone and just wanted to be loved. Check it out, we got our ketubah framed! It only took a little over two years, but at least we're the first of the Heller kids to get ours framed. Go team!

The second bedroom doesn't know what it wants to be when it grows up.

This room is like the Andrew of the apartment. No one really cares about it.

So there we are. I'm looking forward to putting the renovations and move behind us and getting back to wasting time on netflix and xbox. I'll even be able to stop focusing the blog on the apartment. Back to the Dark Crystal v. Dune, a topic that everyone can enjoy.

Your Dad Asks Questions About The Internet

Not my dad, of course. Ever since he finally accepted that high speed internet was a good thing, he's come around. But I can think of one person in my life who has not quite grasped the concepts of the internets...

On a related note, I want all of the interns to stop making fun of my aol account. Over the past 6 months, I've enjoyed such wonderful commentary as, "Who still uses aol?," "Oh my god, is that aim?!?!?" and "Not only is his email address 'boywonderesq,' but it's aol, too!" Really, there's nothing wrong with aol. It's not like yahoo or hotmail are such wonderful service providers. And gmail just finally got rid of its beta status, so is it really that much better? I think not.

Nilda Broke The Oven

We finally got to a point where we could pay attention to the new oven. So far, its greatest attribute was that the light fades on and off and, trust me, it's that cool. We watched the video with the "perfect turkey" feature and convection options and I was all set to use it for the weekend. Then Nilda, unable to hold off playing any longer, hit the "lock" button and was rewarded with lots and lots of beeping. Now, we can't open the oven and we need a service call to replace the locking mechanism. Awesome! At least there was no turkey being held hostage inside.

Luckily, we have a microwave that has a "convection oven" feature. I have no idea how this works, but I think it means that instead of microwaving whatever is inside, it simulates an oven by heating the air circulating inside. Whatever it does, it's cooking my meatloaf. Wow, this is the most exciting blog ever!!!

P.S. - Best result of a google search ever: "Can marijuana smell like mint or was I ripped off?" Really? There's no other test besides smell that you can think of?

Ode To The Laundry Basket

Thank you, laundry basket. My $9.99 investment (with a Bed Bath & Beyond coupon, of course) has been one of the best of my life. You make me a better person.

Gone are the days of me having to lug around the laundry bag. Finally, like when I was growing up, I can use you as a far superior method of transporting my dirty, and clean, laundry. You even go so far out of your way as to be the perfect clearance for the machines in the basement.

You truly are a blessed addition to our home. A benefit I had not even anticipated was that I can fold the laundry in living room, while watching Deadliest Catch of course, and then use you to transport said clean and folded laundry to the bedroom, to be put away.

It's like a miracle. So take a load off, Laundry Basket, and enjoy the rest of the evening. You've earned it.