People To Know

Here's a list of of the top 10 occupations of people that are the most useful to have in your life:

1. Doctor - someone to call when you just need an antibiotic and don't have time to go to the doctor.
2. Contractor - because you'll always need something fixed, and an all around handyman is ideal.
3. Lawyer - at first I thought about not even including this on the list, but have since reconsidered and think it's good to have someone who knows the legal system and knows how to argue.
4. Accountant - they can take a look at your returns and make sure you're not missing anything. For free!
5. Stock broker - if you're into that kind of thing, and it would probably be easier to be into that kind of thing if a friend of yours was a stock broker.
6. IT guy - who you gonna call when your computer breaks? Dell?
7. Mechanic - someone who will take a look at your car without making you feel ripped off.
8. Policeman - not having any friends who are cops, I can only imagine that having one is a big help under the right circumstances.
9. Electrician - something electrical is going to break, or you're going to need install a light fixture, and your contractor friend isn't licenced for that.
10. Carpenter/plumber - you can never know enough people who know how to fix shit.

Others that didn't make the top ten: parking professional (having someone who can get you a spot at a lot for free is awesome. thanks, Forrest), butcher (for fun), mortgage broker/insurance salesman (when you need him, you need him, and it's free so it's great), tailor (to fix your pants), chef (great dinner parties), politician/judge (more of a fantasy), bartender (this seems to be more of a benefit for girls), account representative for a branding agency (wait, what? who needs that?).

Badass Of The Day: Paul Brown

Paul Brown is arguably the most influential and important coach in professional football history. Born in 1909 in Ohio, he played quarterback in high school and college, at the Miami University of Ohio, but was too small for Ohio State or professionally (he was only 140 lbs). He returned to his high school alma mater as a football coach, with a 80 victories, 8 defeats and 2 ties over 9 seasons. Brown was nominated by the high-school coaches association to become the head coach for Ohio State in 1941, which many thought was to get him out of their league. He led Ohio State to a Big Ten championship before being commissioned into the navy in 1943.

After the war, Brown was signed to be coach and general manager of Cleavland's team in the new (and doomed) All-America Football Conference ("AAFC"), a rival to the NFL. The team was dubbed "the Browns" in honor of Brown, in a contest where fans named the team. The Browns won all four championships in the AAFC from 1946-49. Brown went on to found the Cincinnati Bengals and won seven NFL conference titles and three championships from 1950-62.

Brown's innovations changed the game of football, and included:

• Brown was the first to use game film to evaluate players and to teach new plays to players.
• Brown introduced playbooks and classroom instruction to professional football.
• Brown was the first to hire full-time, year-round assistant coaches, instead of part-time assistant coaches. He used these assistants' contacts at colleges to develop a scouting system.
• Brown was the first to give players intelligence and psychological tests to judge their ability to learn and improve.
• He was the first to test speed in the 40-yard dash.
• He was the first to use players as messengers to call plays to the quarterback.
• Brown was the first to station assistants high in the stadium to get a better view of the plays, with a telephone to the bench.
• Brown invented the face mask.
• Brown believed that the solid foundation of a football team was blocking and tackling.
• Brown was strict that his players be able to write out plays from memory. He once fired an All-American rookie who failed one of these tests.
• Brown insisted that his players clean up the image of professional football players, implementing rules against smoking, swearing and going to nightclubs. He required that his players wear coats and ties on the road.

Stealing From Irene's Blog, Again

Because really, where else can you find this stuff?


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On Notice

As the most important blog of all time, it is my responsibility to foster and mentor younger, blogs. It reflects my commitment to the future. But sometimes, new blogs don't live up to their end of the bargain. You started a blog because it looks fun and easy, only to learn that it can be a pain in the ass. So you forget about your blog and ignore the responsibility that you assumed. So all those errant blogs to the right -- and you know who you are -- are all on notice. Show some commitment. Poop or get off the internets.

P.S. - I now have "All The Single Ladies" as my ring tone. This officially makes me the coolest person of all time.

An Admission

Miley Cyrus' "The Climb" is a great song and she sounds great singing it. There. I said it. Let the healing begin.

Kanye Interrupts Obama

Chinese Guy v. Kanye West

Japanese Toilet Humor

Toilettes japonaises piégées - Koreus

I Need To Stop Using The Word "Wicked" So Often

• I need a good idea for an interesting blog. Any ideas? Or are you just going to keep bitching, Matt?
• Go Iggles. I'm trying to think of ideas that do not involve football. It's harder than it sounds.
• Dexter season 3 was amazing. If you have not watched Dexter yet, put it in your queue. Yes, I assume that everyone else has netflix, too.
• I think I have to buy the Beatles Rock Band. It's not that I'm dying to play Rock Band, but come on, it's the Beatles. I'm probably going to have to get the remasters, too. I'll bet they're amazing.
• A public option for health insurance sounds like a really good deal to me. I'd probably save a fortune.
• Nilda has started watching Gossip Girl. God help us all.

Kingda Ka

Nilda and I went to Great Adventure (Gran Aventura!!!!) on Sunday and it was awesome. I'd never been and it was great. Nilda, of course, hurt her neck on all the roller coasters, because only Nilda would hurt her neck on a roller coaster. Needless to say, we spent the NJTransit trip back to NY on Monday looking up "whiplash" on webmd. Our children are going to be remarkable athletes.

My favorite coaster was the Kingda Ka, a stupid name for the fastest (0 to 128 mph in 3 seconds) and largest (456 feet) roller coaster in the world. It's only a 50 second ride, shooting the car from a launcher onto a straight, vertical spiral, up and then down again. Nilda spent all day working up the courage to go on it and is VERY PROUD of herself for going on it! Except now she can't turn her head. Good times.



I also liked the El Toro roller coaster, and yes I realize that "the" and "el" mean the same thing, so that "the El Toro" really doesn't make sense grammatically. Sue me. It has the steepest drop of any wooden roller coaster in the world (76 degrees) and is the third fastest (70 mph). As high as it is, it's still less than half the height of Kingda Ka, but is an intense ride.



Then I kicked the old dancing guy in the teeth and had funnel cake. What a great day!

Nilda, Destroyer of Plants, Vanquisher of Flora

Michael Jackson Is More Interesting Than I Thought

GQ had an article on Michael Jackson that focused on the time right before Off the Wall (and right before plastic surgery) through his appearance at the Motown 25th Anniversary show, where he performed Billie Jean. The cover reads, "When Michael Was Cool." Here are the highlights:

• Michael's great-great grandfather on his mother's side was an Alabama plantation slave named "Prince Screws," who names his son Prince Screws, Jr., who then had Prince Screws III. Michael naming his sons "Prince" actually means something.
• When Michael was 17, he watched Stevie Wonder made "Songs in the Key of Life." Stevie doesn't ask Michael to do anything on the record. Michael just watches.
• Michael started writing his own songs at home, singing the instrumental parts into a recorder. He is passable at piano and plays bass. This was how he made the first recording of "Don't Stop 'Til You Get Enough."
• He records at home with his brother Randy and sister Janet. They are both younger than him.
• Michael's high falsetto voice was carefully crafted to maintain his ability to sing in a higher range, isolating certain vocal cords.
• Michael, in a moment of anger, once, broke into a deep, gruff voice, his natural voice. Liza Minnelli claims to have heard this other voice, too.
• Michael would give detailed interviews to Ebony and Jet magazines, talking about how he trusted only them and that he would speak only them.
• He used to consistently push that he was not gay. He said, "There's a reason why I was created male. I'm not a girl."
• Quincy Jones, who produced Off the Wall and Thriller, used to call Michael "Smelly," since he kept covering up his nose.
• A songwriter brought "Rock with You" to him to record. He went home and wrote "Don't Stop 'Til You Get Enough."
• Michael only agreed to perform with the Jackson 5 at the Motown 25th Anniversary show after he was promised a solo performance of a non-Motown song. He did "Billie Jean." When he was done, Richard Pryor said, "That was the greatest performance I've ever seen."
• Michael messed up the dance moves on "Billie Jean." He wanted to hold toe stand after the moonwalk longer.
• He's got a weird thing with kids, but it seems too far-fetched to think that he was a child molester.
• There are pictures floating around of what Michael would look like if he had not had surgery. I don't know how accurate they are, but here's one of them.
  
  

Back From Miami

• Delta is horrible. We got to the airport and went to check in. After waiting in line, because you have to wait in line at Delta, we were told that we were 4 minutes late (seriously!) and could not check our bags. The flight was supposed to leave at 6:30 and it was 5:34 pm. This is after we already paid $15 just to check one bag. We are never flying Delta again.
• Once we got on the plane, we had to wait on the runway for 2 hours.
• A shitload of Rum & Cokes on the plane = happy Brian & Nilda.
• Miami is amazing to look at. I never thought I would say this or know what it means, but I love art deco architecture.
• Cuban coffee = fucking awesome.
• No one in Miami will speak Spanish to me. I speak Spanish to them, they answer me in English. I keep speaking Spanish to them, they keep eh-speaking English to me. I can't win.
• I love the beach.
• We stayed at Nilda's family's condo by the beach. I love it there, but I can't see how people live there year round, in that vacation limbo.
• I was floating in the ocean thinking how nice it would be to have a place near the beach. Then I remembered that we were staying there, dumbass.
• We had one of the best expensive dinners we ever had at the Palme D'Or at the Biltmore Hotel in Coral Cables. It was absolutely incredible. I kept thinking how Irene would love it.
• Having a car is nice, but having to drive everywhere sucks. It severely impacts your permitted alcohol consumption.
• We were bumped to first class on the way home. The flight attendant said it was because we didn't bother her during boarding. Lesson learned.
• There were a lot of kids on the flight. I realized that Andrew and I, as kids, must have been the worst passengers ever.
• At 10:00 am on Monday morning, I was thinking about how in 24 hours, I'd be at work. Tuesday morning at 10:00 am sucked.
• We have to go back this winter, Nilda.

Working Weekend

Things are crazy at work right now. I'm taking a deposition on Wednesday, defending a deposition on Thursday, both while I have an opposition to a motion for summary judgment due on Friday, which still needs a lot of work. Oh, and I also have another motion due early the following week, which I forgot about.

So, of course, I'm off to Miami for the weekend! Nilda and I are leaving tomorrow night and we won't be back until Monday night. See you next week.

GI Joe Is A Terrible Movie

In my ongoing efforts to be romantic, I took Nilda to see District 9 this weekend. It was a smart, thought-out movie that was well made and did not get boring. Even the plot holes (human and aliens understanding each other but each speaking their respective languages) seemed to make sense, somehow. The political allegory was there yet not overdone, and I loved it. Nilda, not so much.

Nilda, throughout the movie, entertained both myself and our fellow movie-goers with a running commentary on why the move was, and I quote, "the worst movie of all time." Ugly looking aliens that Nilda cannot look at + a shit load of gore = NOT NILDA'S MOVIE. As punishment, Nilda made me go see GI Joe the very next day. Two movies in two days seems like a lot, yes, but Nilda, apparently, had to get rid of the "bad taste" she had from District 9.

GI Joe was horrendous. It was not that it was stupid, with obvious plot holes and horrid acting. That was to be expected. This movie has made clear that no one, ever, should actually say, in any form of seriousness, any of the following:

• "The Joes won't know what's coming."
• "Knowing is half the battle."
• "It's all up to the Joes, now."
• "Are they Joes?"

Worst of all, I had to sit there and watch Adebisi from Oz say, "Yo Joe," and be serious about it. (Oddly missing was someone yelling "Cobra!," which I guess even this terrible movie couldn't pull off.) I don't know if I'll ever recover.

Nilda tells me that District 9 was "so bad" that she gets credit for two more of her movies. I appealed, saying that I had gone to see Twilight with her, which only led to Nilda declaring that I would be seeing New Moon with her, in addition to some other movie, probably starring Katherine Heigl. I am in trouble.

Best Idea Ever

• Whoever thought of putting vitamins into gummies was a genius. I'm gonna be the healthiest motherfucker out there.
• Settling into the new apartment is better than I thought it was going to be.
• No, my commute isn't any longer, just two more stops on the same subway route I used before.
• I said this dishwasher was going to change my life and it has. I love my dishwasher, and I'm not afraid to admit it.
• My ice maker is my friend.
• Brian. Is. Ready. For. Football.
• It is an injustice that the Eagles are playing New England tonight and I can't watch it because Time Warner doesn't carry the NFL network. But who really cares because it's just preseason.
• Kate Gosselin is a genius. In just a few months, she went from having the whole country hating her to being on her side. She is the Hillary Clinton of reality tv.
• I've been running in the park in the mornings. I never would have thought I would, but I love it. And unlike going to the gym, I can shower at home. The parks around here are surprisingly nice at 6:30 in the morning:

The End Of The Renovations

We thought this day would never come, but here we are. We can cook, shower, AND go to the bathroom, so it seems we may have finally reached the end of renovating the apartment. Thank the lord and praise his name. Here's a look back on how far we've come. Nilda, if you post any comments about how how we have more to do, I swear to God I burning your Twilight dvd. And I am not kidding this time!

The bathroom before...

...and after.

The kitchen, "in all its 1940's glory..."

...and with enough counter space to take a nap.

The living room that is bigger than my old studio...

...now featuring everyone's favorite light fixtures. Please ignore the table. I am advised that it shall be replaced forthwith.

The bedroom before...

...and after Barney exploded, although I do have to admit that I like it. Yes, Nilda, I know it's not pink, but only because Dad confirmed your claims.

The foyer...

..and after we ripped out the poor kitchen door who didn't hurt anyone and just wanted to be loved. Check it out, we got our ketubah framed! It only took a little over two years, but at least we're the first of the Heller kids to get ours framed. Go team!

The second bedroom doesn't know what it wants to be when it grows up.

This room is like the Andrew of the apartment. No one really cares about it.

So there we are. I'm looking forward to putting the renovations and move behind us and getting back to wasting time on netflix and xbox. I'll even be able to stop focusing the blog on the apartment. Back to the Dark Crystal v. Dune, a topic that everyone can enjoy.

Your Dad Asks Questions About The Internet

Not my dad, of course. Ever since he finally accepted that high speed internet was a good thing, he's come around. But I can think of one person in my life who has not quite grasped the concepts of the internets...

On a related note, I want all of the interns to stop making fun of my aol account. Over the past 6 months, I've enjoyed such wonderful commentary as, "Who still uses aol?," "Oh my god, is that aim?!?!?" and "Not only is his email address 'boywonderesq,' but it's aol, too!" Really, there's nothing wrong with aol. It's not like yahoo or hotmail are such wonderful service providers. And gmail just finally got rid of its beta status, so is it really that much better? I think not.

Nilda Broke The Oven

We finally got to a point where we could pay attention to the new oven. So far, its greatest attribute was that the light fades on and off and, trust me, it's that cool. We watched the video with the "perfect turkey" feature and convection options and I was all set to use it for the weekend. Then Nilda, unable to hold off playing any longer, hit the "lock" button and was rewarded with lots and lots of beeping. Now, we can't open the oven and we need a service call to replace the locking mechanism. Awesome! At least there was no turkey being held hostage inside.

Luckily, we have a microwave that has a "convection oven" feature. I have no idea how this works, but I think it means that instead of microwaving whatever is inside, it simulates an oven by heating the air circulating inside. Whatever it does, it's cooking my meatloaf. Wow, this is the most exciting blog ever!!!

P.S. - Best result of a google search ever: "Can marijuana smell like mint or was I ripped off?" Really? There's no other test besides smell that you can think of?

Ode To The Laundry Basket

Thank you, laundry basket. My $9.99 investment (with a Bed Bath & Beyond coupon, of course) has been one of the best of my life. You make me a better person.

Gone are the days of me having to lug around the laundry bag. Finally, like when I was growing up, I can use you as a far superior method of transporting my dirty, and clean, laundry. You even go so far out of your way as to be the perfect clearance for the machines in the basement.

You truly are a blessed addition to our home. A benefit I had not even anticipated was that I can fold the laundry in living room, while watching Deadliest Catch of course, and then use you to transport said clean and folded laundry to the bedroom, to be put away.

It's like a miracle. So take a load off, Laundry Basket, and enjoy the rest of the evening. You've earned it.