Brian The Sports Fan

For the first time in my life, my weekend revolved around sports. Stop laughing:

• Caryn & Forrest got the girls the Wii. The best game on Wii sports is bowling. Francesca, my 5-year-old neice, is by far the best player in the family.
• Francesca and I watched bowling. We both agreed that she could have beaten them all. She got bored and called me a "diaper." I struck back with a powerful "laundry face." Francesca then launched a vicious "stroller brain," causing me to defend myself with barbed "envelope head." Nilda basked in my maturity.
• The tennis on the Wii is surprisingly interesting. This is the only explanation as to how I watched Wimbledon, and was actually interested.
• I watched a boxing match on HBO. Then I played boxing on the Wii. I'm a bad muthafucka.
• I watched a Phillies/Mets game and wanted the Phillies to win, even though I'm surrounded by Met fans in NY and never watch baseball. I now understand that I am and will always be a fan of ONLY Philly sports teams. I did not know this before, and learned this only by watching baseball.
• The one thing Met fans are afraid of is the Phillies. The one thing Phillies fans are afraid of is the Phillies.
• After playing a ton of the Wii on Friday, I woke up on Saturday with an incredibly sore right arm and shoulder. Just like my Dad, I spent the entire day explaining how sore I was to everyone. Then I got the fish platter at Famous Deli, just one stop on the world-renowned Jeffrey Heller Tennis Tour, where you can see all the places Dad plays tennis and eats afterwards. I became my father this weekend.