Saturday Night Thoughts

• I'm back from Florida, and yes, I'm stealing this idea from Andrew.
• Florida was good, but I was working so much I didn't get a chance to do anything fun. Still, it's always nice to wake up where it's 22 degrees, and then go where it's 75 degrees.
• I had to drag down all our exhibits and supplies for the deposition, which made my innocent-looking suitcase incredibly heavy. I just barely avoided having to pay a fee.

• I bought an iced coffee at Dunkin Donuts on the way down. You can only get the gigantor size straws.


• We were in Boca Raton the whole time, which is incredibly boring. There's nothing but cars and flat strip malls, and you can't see any people. It reminded me a lot of Michigan, but warmer.
• My view from my ground floor room at the Holiday Inn Express was fantastic.

• We had dinner at Chili's one night. I hadn't been to a Chili's in years and was very excited to go. But it wasn't the same, more corporate and generic, like an Applebee's. I'm afraid I'm starting to dislike the chains. Or maybe I just wasn't drunk enough.
• I used to think traveling for work would be fun, but all I wanted to do was get home to Nilda.
• I missed watching Obama's speech and only learned about it from tv. Apparently, I don't like Bobby Jindal.
• This is too soon to talk about, but Nilda and I may possibly-hopefully-we'll see be working on buying an apartment. Until I'm allowed to talk more about it, just know that we're not allowed to spend any money.
• I can't wait to see what my new nephew will look like. I had a dream that he was a little salamander who kept jumping out of his carriage and I had to go chase him. I had to be careful catching him because I didn't want to rip his arm off or something. I woke up freaked out.
• I've been making ice cream again. Two weeks ago I made a vanilla bean ice cream with raisins soaked in Pedro Ximenez sherry wine, tonight I'm making chocolate mousse ice cream with toasted almonds. For just a few dollars more, I can make ice cream that's almost as good as the old Breyer's vanilla.
• I'm still upset Andy Reid traded Brian Dawkins. I know his age, but he was the leader of the team and the best player they had. The good thing about Dawkins is that no matter who he's playing for, he'll always be loved by Phila, like Reggie White and Ron Hextall. I've made up my mind, I'm keeping my jersey.

One Last Post

Here's a video of a Representative from Illinois chewing out the Bailout Czar. It almost makes me respect Republicans again. Thanks to Big Guy Heller for the link.

Away Message

I'm off for a few days to go out of town for a deposition. Nilda, as we discussed, you are not allowed to watch Top Chef without me. Unborn nephew, I'll be back this weekend and you may be born then. And so everyone knows, the weird guy I saw at the turned out to actually be a woman with an eating disorder. Who knew?

Oscar Picks

The trick is not to pick who you want to win, or who you think should win, but who will have the most support. You can't talk about who "the academy" will pick as a whole; you need to focus on who will the individual members support. For example, Crash didn't win best picture because it was the best movie, but because it had the largest support pool (large cast and crew). Lesson: individual academy members vote out of self interest. Here's who will win this year, based upon the inside knowledge of The Most Important Blog In The Universe:

• Best Actor: Sean Penn, because Mickey Rourke has already had his moment in the sun and Penn has always been the snob actor's choice.
• Best Actress: Kate Winslet, because she gets naked in movies.
• Supporting Actor: Heath Ledger, because he probably won't have another chance (ouch!).
• Supporting Actress, Penelope Cruz, because she was really good and didn't win for Volver. I was torn between Cruz and Taraji P. Henson, because Henson is the only minority actress nominated and white guilt is a powerful tool.
• Best Director: Danny Boyle, because it's uncool to not be in love with everything Slumdog Millionaire, which I have never seen.
• Best Movie: Slumdog Millionaire. Duh.

Tips For A Deposition

• Bang the table.
• Slam your papers down.
• Accuse the other lawyer of coaching.
• Call him a bully and tell him you won't be pushed around (I use "him," not "her," because women are far more reasonable and many of these tips will not apply with a female lawyer).
• Tell him you know his type, that his tactic is to yell until the other lawyers gets intimidated and backs down, but that you know won't be intimidated so he should just back off.
• Cut him off so that the reporter can't write down what he's saying.
• Tell him you have a right to object and protect your client's rights and won't let him take that right away from your client. Really wave the flag.
• Remind him about the rules against speaking objections. Offer to send him a copy of the rules.
• Walk out and say, "Let's take a break."
• Be really sarcastic. Be really really polite two minutes later.
• Interrupt his objection so the reporter can't write it down.
• Threaten to call the court repeatedly, all the while knowing you'll never, ever call the court.
• Call his bluff and say, "Yes, let's call the court!"
• Be really nice to the witness right after you scream at the lawyer. Make sure he/she knows your not mad at him/her.

Marble Hill

It's time for interesting facts that no one cares about! Marble Hill is a small hill across the river at the northern tip of Manhattan. While it is technically located in the Bronx, it is legally considered part of Manhattan, also known as New York County.

Marble Hill is naturally part of Manhattan. The river ran up around the hill when the Dutch settlers first arrived in the early 1600s. (FYI: the exchange where European settlers purchased Manhattan from the Indians for $24 took place around there, in Inwood). In the 1890s, the Army Corps of Engineers built a canal for shipping routes, known as the Harlem River Ship Channel, which essentially rendered Marble Hill an Island. In 1897, the Greater New York Charter designated the island of Marble Hill as part of the borough of Manhattan. Even when the Bronx was established on January 1, 1914, Marble Hill remained part of Manhattan.

Later in 1914, the old river running north of the island was filled in, connecting Marble Hill to the rest of the Bronx. Despite many efforts by the Bronx to take over Marble Hill, the residents have maintained their connection to Manhattan. It was even referred to as the Bronx's "Sudetenland," a clever reference if you know about Hitler taking over Czechoslovakia's Sudetenland in 1939. In 1984, the issue was ended once and for all when New York State Legislature passed legislation declaring the neighborhood part of Manhattan.

I look forward to your comments expressing how "boring" this post is. Shut up, Matt!

Stupid Piece Of Shit

God damn, the Onion is brilliant...

lazypieceofshit

I can't believe I haven't posted for so long. It's been pretty crazy. I promise to get back to it and give the world the quality and leadership that the public has come to expect from The Most Important Blog In The World.

Arizona Should Have Won?

Thanks to Irene for sending the blog post this is from.

Curse you, Steve Martin!

It's been three days, and I can't get that banjo song he did on SNL out of my head. Normally, when I can't get a song out of my head, it means I like it. Not this time. It gets even worse every time my mind forces me to relive that terrible, terrible experience. I think its post-traumatic.

The music itself isn't bad, but those words are horrible! I understand and can even appreciate that he went for a strong visual narrative, but the execution was childish. He's got images of riding a kite to school, a neighbor yelling "tally ho!," fishing with dad and terrible rhymes like "Teacher says, that's not cool." for They have been eating away at me since Saturday night. He even uses the phrase "Monday morn," can you believe it?! It's Steve Martin's "Oh, grandpa!" moment.

One reference has him hitting his grandmother hit in the face with a pie before 8:00 am on a Saturday morning. How does this make any sense? What the hell was a pie doing lying around? It's just a cheap comical device from a guy who thought he could do no wrong. I might also add that the character is neither repentant nor reprimanded for striking his grandmother. What kind of message does that send, Steve Martin?

The worst part is that the character genuinely wants to get to school on time. Who can relate to that? That's not a fun song for a kid, but a transparent gimmick to trick kids into liking school. Hey, Steve Martin, leave them kids alone!

A NYTimes article described the dress rehearsal of the song like this:

"On the main stage of NBC's Studio 8H in Manhattan, wielding a Gibson Florentine from the 1920s and accompanied by a quintet of bluegrass musicians, Mr. Martin was plucking, strumming and, yes, singing his way through an original song called “Late for School,” about a young delinquent racing to beat the tardy bell. The hoedown brought the room to a halt, and when it was over even the surliest stagehands couldn’t help but stand and applaud."

What?!?! Were they hearing the same song the rest of the country was forced to endure?? How much did Steve Martin have to pay to get this written? Or is he simply so "revered" that he can't get a bad review. It's not like he was a Beatle, or something. Shenanigans!

The only good part is that I've been listening to a lot of bluegrass on last.fm. That shit is good.

NFL Players Doing Amazing Shit

What's Happened To You, Steve Martin?

Steve Martin is not and has never been a "comedic genius." Yeah, The Jerk and even All of Me was good, but never ground breaking. Now he's sunk to a new low. And I'm not even talking about The Pink Panther 2. If anyone missed the banjo song he played on SNL this weekend, you were lucky. It was like watching a terrible car accident in slow motion. I kept waiting for it to get funny, then realized it was only getting worse. I have no problem with him writing kids songs, but why would you play one of those on SNL, which is clearly not a kid audience? It shows just how out of touch he is with his audience. Let's spread the misery:



The thing is, Steve Martin is a really, really good banjo player. You have to look at some of his early, live material to get a sense of how good he was and, by comparison, how bad what he did on SNL was:

Late for school, Mr. Martin. Late for school, indeed.

Too Ghetto For Tropic Zone

There's an article in the Post this week about a woman who sued the Tropic Zone after they declined to hire her as a waitress. She's suing because they told her that the reason she was not hired was because she was "too ghetto," had a latin accent and does not "speak white." She said this was her "dream job" and that she had the body and the experience for the job.

Here is why this is a terrible case for a plaintiff's lawyer:

• Failure to hire cases are notoriously difficult. There are so many reasons why a person could not be hired that it is too speculative to say that it was this reason. Plus, you don't have any ability to prove that the plaintiff was a good worker, not just someone seeking a quick dollar, which is the most important part of any employment discrimination case.
• The first affirmative defense will be that she has a big ass. The entire case will be about the flaws in her body, which the defense lawyers will analyze and put on posters. They will take their hottest girls and compare them, feature by feature, to the plaintiff, to show the legitimate reasons why she did not meet their physical requirements. This will be a very difficult and emotional case for the plaintiff.
• The position she was applying for is all about the tastes of the customers. The owners can simply say that she did not meet their tastes. No court is going to intrude into a business decision like that.
• Is being "too ghetto" a protected category? Maybe that is a valid business consideration for a business that relies mostly on tourists. On the other hand, telling her that she doesn't "speak white" is pretty clear cut on her side.
• How do you evaluate her damages? If she makes money on tips, how do you prove how customers would have tipped her? How long could she have been in this position?

Bottom line: it's a fun and easy headline for the plaintiff's lawyer, but a terrible case to try with little hope of a meaningful recovery.

The Lily Ledbetter Fair Pay Act

As both of my loyal readers know, today, President Obama (I still love saying that) signed The Lily Ledbetter Fair Pay Act into law. This law overturns the Supreme Court's ruling in the Ledbetter case, which, as some of you may remember from my prior blog, held that Ledbetter could not sue for a discriminatory decision made years ago that lessened her retirement benefits.

I have not read the new law. I'm not even sure if it makes sense for me to do so. We really won't really know its impact until the Supreme Court interprets it. And its never a good thing when the Supreme Court interprets a law overruling its prior decision.

So here's what I think the Act does. It shifts the deciding factor of the statute of limitations from when the decision was made, to when the impact of that decision was made. Instead of looking at when the discriminatory decision was made, the statute of limitations would start to run after each paycheck where she was paid less than a man. She still will not be able to sue for the damages she suffered throughout her career, since the Court already decided in Morgan that each paycheck is a discrete act that starts its own limitations period (nerd alert!), but at least she would be able to get to court to make sure future payments are not discriminatory.

While its unclear what this Act will really mean for workers, its a good sign that Congress is watching the Courts with respect to employment discrimination. With all the Bush appointees holding life tenure, that's definitely a good thing for Obama to have accomplished right after his inauguration.

Brian Joins A Gym

Because the world needs to know. If I was going to do it, I had to do it before the end of the month. Nothing motivates me to work out like saving an initiation fee.

I get there and have to wait for the obligatory information session & tour, a process I absolutely despise. Maybe I'm alone on this, but I hate being the douche bag in pleated pants being guided around. We can skip the spinning room, please. It doesn't matter that I make it crystal clear that I have no interest in a personal trainer, I still have to be introduced to the head personal trainer. Nice to meet you, Floyd. They asked me what my "goals" were. I told them that I had already met my primary goal just by being there.

I've never known what would lead a person to being the one who shows people around. Then I met "Zach," a 22-year-old who likes to share too much. He's the Assistant (to the) Manager and just moved from Miami to New York three weeks ago for this job. He knows the elementary school Andrew and I went to and his family belonged to the same synagogue my family belonged to (Beth Shalom now Beth Shira). He still has a girlfriend in Gainesville, but they're both young and they understand where they are. His mother is a mediation judge of some sort and his father is an attorney, so he feels pushed to go into law. He wants to be a sports agent and thinks that going to law school will somehow help with that. Law school's a dead end, Zach.

Finally, I'm allowed to work out, but by now I only have a little bit of time before my first priority, getting home to watch Los--be with Nilda. I soon realize that based on my speed on the treadmill, I'm running a 10 minute mile. It would therefore take me approximately 26 hours to run a marathon. I clearly do not have the time to run a marathon.

My plan was that going to the gym would somehow make me want to keep going to the gym, and I think it worked. As you can tell, all of this proves that I am clearly better than Andrew.

Who's the Boss?

This is an insulting question. Of course Angela is the boss. She hired Tony to clean her house, and allows he and his daughter Samantha to live there. The title implies that because she is a woman, and he is a man, there is somehow a question as to their relationship. There is not, as she is the employer and is, by definition, the boss. Right, Mona?

Bad Brian

Yes, I need to blog, I'm well aware. I've been busy. I'll get to it as soon as I can and/or feel like it. Really, I promise.

President Bush

Bush's greatest failure has been his failure to act. He failed to prevent 9/11 (I'm done with the whole "no one could have known" argument, people told Bush and Condeleeza Rice and they ignored the warnings). He then failed to show any leadership on Katrina, torture, the housing bubble and the collapse of the economy. Most of all, he failed to control the forces in his administration that pushed to start a war that everyone now agrees should never have happened.

But still, after all that, I can't help but feel sorry for sorry for him. He'll be remembered as one of the worst Presidents in history, and given how the Presidency has become more visible and recognizable like never before, he will definitely stand out. But at the same time, it looks like the little guy did his best. There doesn't appear to be any malicious intent in the damage he's done, no mens rea. He's also enthusiastic about the transition to Obama, which is oddly reassuring.

I'm ok with feeling sorry for Bush mostly because Obama is taking over for him. I would feel completely different if McCain was being sworn in next week. If Bush had not been so terrible, it's doubtful that Obama could have won, that hope and a (black!) liberal democrat would have had a chance. The country seems to be back on track and Bush, as bad he was, is the vehicle that led us here. And that's not bad.

How To Crack A Master Lock

Part of me says it's time to go back to the gym. The other part of me says "Whoa whoa whoa whoa, mister! Aren't you getting an xbox? Do you really want to commit to going to the gym right before Operation Brian's Xbox just gets under way? Really, you're just being selfish at this point." Though the debate rages on, I've decided to bring my stuff to work. The problem is that I forgot my combo to my lock. If I was smart, I'd take that as a sign.

Master lock will only send you the combo if you submit a formal, notarized request, with proof that the lock is not attached to anything. And if you're a prisoner, the request needs to be submitted on the prison's letterhead.

Here's a video showing some geek mathalete with way too much time demonstrating how to limit the possible combinations from 64,000 to just 100 options, which, if you can stand to watch the whole video, you will never, ever do:



Lesson of the day: send yourself an email with the combo to the new lock you're going to have to buy and move it to saved mail. Duh.

Top That!

Blogging is hard, people! You have to not only sit down to actually write the thing, but you have to come up with an idea that (1) you can write about and (2) that people (Nilda & "anonymous" Matt) won't label boring. So I took a break for a little while, ok? If you don't like it, you can s my d:

• The Eagles have made it to the NFC Championship game. This was considered an impossible long shot the last time I blogged. In fact, some are saying that of the four teams left, the Eagles have the best shot to win the Superbowl. This is truly a wonderful moment.
• I'm predicting an Eagles-Steelers Superbowl (with the Eagles winning), and I'm not alone.
• Giants fans hate the Eagles more than Eagles fans hate the Giants. Yes, you'll find examples of angry Eagles fans, but Giants fans aren't happy unless the Eagles lose. My walking around the office whispering "Eagles!" to all the Giants fans probably hasn't helped.
• 30 Rock proved its brilliance once again by having Kenneth perform the "Top That" rap from the crappy 90's movie "Teen Witch." I thought only Andrew and I knew that, and by "knew that" I mean remember the lyrics to this day and repeat them often.
• Before you die, go to Katz's Deli for pastrami after a night of heavy drinking.
• Everyone please watch Friday Night Lights. You will not regret it.
• The countdown to Operation Brian Gets An Xbox has officially begun. I want Madden, Call of Duty 4, Guitar Hero and Command & Conquer. It's just a matter of time, now.
• Congress is considering a law to overturn the Supreme Court's decision in Ledbetter, which I've blogged about before. This would increase the statute of limitations for employees complaining about discrimination. One Republican said, "Trial lawyers, you can be sure, are salivating at this very prospect." Dude, you have no idea.
• Nilda's started looking at sofas. I am...totally...screwed.
• I'm hot. And you're not. But if you want to hang with me, I will give it one shot. Top that!
• Hey look, I wrote a blog! Top that!