Brian Joins A Gym

Because the world needs to know. If I was going to do it, I had to do it before the end of the month. Nothing motivates me to work out like saving an initiation fee.

I get there and have to wait for the obligatory information session & tour, a process I absolutely despise. Maybe I'm alone on this, but I hate being the douche bag in pleated pants being guided around. We can skip the spinning room, please. It doesn't matter that I make it crystal clear that I have no interest in a personal trainer, I still have to be introduced to the head personal trainer. Nice to meet you, Floyd. They asked me what my "goals" were. I told them that I had already met my primary goal just by being there.

I've never known what would lead a person to being the one who shows people around. Then I met "Zach," a 22-year-old who likes to share too much. He's the Assistant (to the) Manager and just moved from Miami to New York three weeks ago for this job. He knows the elementary school Andrew and I went to and his family belonged to the same synagogue my family belonged to (Beth Shalom now Beth Shira). He still has a girlfriend in Gainesville, but they're both young and they understand where they are. His mother is a mediation judge of some sort and his father is an attorney, so he feels pushed to go into law. He wants to be a sports agent and thinks that going to law school will somehow help with that. Law school's a dead end, Zach.

Finally, I'm allowed to work out, but by now I only have a little bit of time before my first priority, getting home to watch Los--be with Nilda. I soon realize that based on my speed on the treadmill, I'm running a 10 minute mile. It would therefore take me approximately 26 hours to run a marathon. I clearly do not have the time to run a marathon.

My plan was that going to the gym would somehow make me want to keep going to the gym, and I think it worked. As you can tell, all of this proves that I am clearly better than Andrew.