I Am Never Painting Again. Ever. Nilda.

The goal was to paint the new bedroom over the weekend, leaving only the wallpapering of one wall. As expected, it did not go well. Luckily, Nilda and I are still married.

Friday Night

• 7:07 pm: I arrive at the new apartment after work, having stopped by Rite Aid to buy more beer. The plan is to paint the trim white tonight, and then paint the walls on Saturday.
• 7:27 pm: After procrastinating as long as possible, Nilda makes me start painting.
• 7:31 pm: I realize how much I hate painting. I'm trying to paint the floorboards but can't seem to keep from painting the floor itself. However much the guy wanted to paint this room, it was totally worth it.
• 7:38 pm: We're going to need more paper towels.
• 7:52 pm: I give up on the floorboards, and start on the molding. It was around this time that I start refusing to make eye contact with Nilda.
• 8:10 pm: I realize that it still hasn't hit me that I'm actually going to be living in this apartment some day.
• 8:35 pm: Oh my god, are you fucking kidding me? How much more painting do we have to do? I may not make it through tomorrow. I am completely serious.
• 9:32 pm: We finally finish. Nilda, I am never painting again. Seriously. Ever. I'm so not fucking kidding.

Saturday

• 9:35 am: I call McDonalds to confirm that breakfast goes until at least 10:30 am.
• 10:20 am: We get to the apartment. I wonder how I ever let Nilda convince me that buying an apartment was a good idea.
• 10:50 am: I finally recognize that the color Nilda has selected is not pink. I think its grayple, a combination of purple and gray. Nilda calls it Barney color.

• 11:04 am: We have to paint two coats???
• 11:14 am: It's not too early to start drinking beer, right? Of course not!

• 11:53 am: I finally get into a groove, motivated by the knowledge that this is the last time I will ever be painting.
• 1:45 pm: Dad stops by on his way to pick up Harley and the kids. He calls Nilda's cell, saying he called her instead of me because he knew I'd be in a bad mood. He says, "Brian just doesn't like the work." At first I'm offended, until I realize he's right.

• 2:02 pm: Tell Nilda that I have to go to Rite Aid to get more painting tape as a rouse to get more beer.
• 2:22 pm: The allegation that "You aren't handy" ceases to have any effect on me. I accept that I have certain talents, but being handy is not one of them. But if you need a legal brief, I'm your guy.
• 3:10 pm: In a surprise twist, Nilda loses it and declares that she will never paint again. I'm as supportive as I can be, until she stops painting so that she can "wash the brushes" and "clean up spots on the floor." You best keep painting, woman! This was your idea!
• 4:07 pm: Nilda and I had learned from a neighbor that this apartment had been occupied by an elderly woman for many years. We take down the name tag on the front door of the apartment, which had clearly had been there for a long time. Goodbye, Mrs. Seidel!
• 4:55 pm: We're finally done.