Superbowl Halftime

The Who was awesome. Yeah, they've been around a while, but they know exactly who they are and don't give a shit what you think. It was the best halftime show since U2 in the Superbowl after 9/11. Next year, though, it's time for the big guns. I'm pushing for Chuck Mangione.



By the way, we're picking a jury in federal court tomorrow, a woman fired after she came back from cancer. I may not be blogging for a little while, as a result. Please, try to cope, as hard as the thought may be.

8 O'Clock Ranch

No one should be this excited about meat. Nilda and I signed up for a CSA ("community sponsored agriculture") with 8 O'Clock Ranch, a beef, pork and lamb ranch in up up upstate New York near the border of Canada. A CSA essentially allows you to purchase a "share" of a particular farm, a designated amount for a specific price. This means that between March and May, Nilda and I will be getting a shitload of meat. Here's why this is awesome:

• All of the cattle and sheep are grass fed, like they always were until corporate agriculture thought it would be cheaper to change everything and feed them grains.
• The fat in the meats have a yellowish twinge, from the beta-carotene in the grass.
• A six-ounce piece of grass-fed beef has about 100 calories less than its grain-fed counterpart.
• The animals are "humanely raised," meaning that there are no unhealthy living conditions or feedlots and the animals are free to pasture. Babies stay with their moms until weaned.
• The meat is dry-aged, which you won't find at the grocery store and makes the meat taste so much better.
• It's a tastier, better steak than I've ever had before. We got NY strip steaks before and it was the best I'd ever had. Even the ground beef is better than the supermarket.
• We had tried beef from a different ranch about a year ago that was good, but no where near as good as 8 O'Clock.
• They do not use any pesticides, hormones or herbicides. They only use antibiotics if the animal has a life-threatening illness (the last time was 3 years ago) and, then they will not include it in their herd.
• They are not "certified organic," which is because they don't want to have to comply with the expensive and, they say, unnecessary paperwork requirements to be designated organic.
• The bacon is, literally, the best bacon I've ever had.
• It's surprisingly well-priced. Not cheap, but no where near what you'd expect, and definitely cheaper than the specialty meat shops.
• It's a small family-owned organization that works the land themselves. When you call to place your order, you're talking to one of the owners. Nilda and Kassandra are on a first-name basis.
• The cuts are individually vacuum-sealed and delivered frozen by overnight delivery.

Since the CSA half-share we got doesn't start until March, the right thing to do was buy a shit-load of meat to last us the rest of February. The pic above is what we just got delivered. To prove it, here's the receipt:

Here are the short ribs Nilda's making on Sunday, when Andrew and Harley come over with the kids for the Superbowl:

Harley's not allowed to have any. And check out this porterhouse:

Food tastes better when you know where it's coming from. Btw, Food, Inc. was nominated for an Oscar. Holla!

Jon Stewart On Obama's Meeting With The GOP

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The Wire: Season 1

I promised Irene that if she lent me Season 1 of The Wire, I'd follow up in a blog post, so here it is, Irene. Yes, The Wire is incredible. An amazing show. Even Nilda loved it and, believe me, it was not easy to get her to start watching. Even then, it still took a few episodes to get her into it.

In trying to write why I like the show, I realize that I'm only blogging for the people who read this who actually watch The Wire. Both of them. Irene and Jeff. Hey, guys. You got me to watch it so thanks. Everything about it is complicated. Even at the big conclusion, no one is happy about the resolution. A cop show that I could actually like. Season 2: Disc 1 is number one on the netflix queue. Ok, that's enough.

By the way, Irene, this post on your "blog" was amazing. (It's about the relative size of everything in the universe so save your comments, people.)

Live Blogging The State Of The Union

Man, is this boring. I feel like I should watch it but I don't want to. Let's move on.

Yes, The Wire is a great show. We're up to episode 6 of the first season and we're totally into it. Naturally, I looked it up on wikipedia. It's written by a former police reporter who had previously worked on Homicide: Life on the Streets. NBC didn't like the show's pessimism so he took The Wire to HBO. HBO didn't want a police drama, but took a shot and here we are. More than a police drama, it's about life in a city, where everything is interconnected.

I need a new email address. It used to be that creating a clever email address was as important as coming up with a great answering machine message. Now, the kids can't come up with anything better than firstname_lastname@gmail.com. Therefore, my email address that is not only "boywonder" but is on aol!!! is just not cool enough. Kids today. Humpf.

Nilda and I had dinner at the CIA over the weekend (which was great) and discovered the Vesper martini. 3 parts gin, 1 part vodka, 1/2 part lillet blanc, shaken over ice, not stirred, until cold. It's what James Bond drinks. How is this not perfect?

We stayed at a bed & breakfast when we were upstate for the weekend. Bed & breakfasts are weird. You're basically staying at a stranger's house and then they make you eat there in the morning. What kind of a person wants to invite strangers over to their house and make them eat stuffed french toast the next morning? I don't get it. Still had a great time.

Tips For New Laywers

• The law is like Tetris. You get yourself into problems and have to work your way out of them.
• Legal research is probably your most significant task at this point. It is representative of everything else you will do in the law. If one query doesn't work, keep finding another way around the issue and don't give up.
• Do not underestimate the importance of picking up lunch during a trial. It's one of the most important jobs you have.
• Write it correctly the first time. It's less work over all. Don't wait to insert citations later on.
• Trusting your client doesn't mean believing everything he says. It's your job to make sure his story makes sense, and that means questioning his story.
• Simplify your writing. Think about what you want to say, then say it. Put your main point of the paragraph in the first sentence of the paragraph. Don't try to write your way out of a problem.
• One of the worst things that can happen to you is if your client lies. The smallest lie is harder to deal with than biggest truth.
• Taking a deposition is like riding a bike. It looks really hard, until you learn how to do it. Then it makes sense.
• Any douchebag can point out the problems. The valuable douchebags solve those problems.
• Prepare fallback arguments for oral argument. Know what you will say if the judge rejects your main argument.
• Prepare a backup to your backup.
• Do not lose the moral high ground by making an argument that even you don't agree with.
• When the judge starts talking, shut your mouth.
• If the judge is making your case for you, shut your mouth.
• Don't piss off court clerks. They can be miserable people who hate their jobs, but they have entirely too much power for you to piss them off.
• Experience is the only way you will ever truly learn.
• Deal with small problems before they become big problems.
• Do not be fooled by the comfort of inaction. It may be easier to do nothing, but it's never a good idea.
• If you get nervous about a deposition or a court appearance, remember that no one in the world is better prepared or more capable than you are because you know the topic better than anyone else.
• If you are given responsibility for something, it means you can do it.
• Do your homework. Google is your best research device.
• Decide carefully how you will do things. The habits that you develop now will stay with you for the rest of your life.
• Keep track of your hours. Find a system that works for you and use it.
• For God's sake, keep your desk clean. If you're done with a file, put it away.
• Don't make arguments that don't make any sense. This is harder than it sounds when you're following the letter of the law.
• Don't think out loud, especially in front of your adversary.
• Your value is your ability to make decisions on your own.
• Be willing to stand up to your boss. If you don't show him or her that you have a backbone, they won't think you'll have one with anyone else. Don't push it.
• When all else fails, make a scene.

Books

It's amazing how productive calling Mary out on her lack of blogging has been. Good job so far, Mary. I'm making a note to put in your permanent record. Anyway, everyone seems to be blogging about the books they're reading and I'm not going to be left out. Let the fun begin:

• Game Change: This is the book by the NYMag columnist I like and some other guy that tells the behind the scenes story of the 2008 election. I read the excerpt in NYMag about John and Elizabeth Edwards. I love reading histories of social movements and this one reads like a thriller. It's an obvious choice for me.


• K2: Life and Death On the World's Most Dangerous Mountain: Everest: Beyond the Limit got me interested in mountain climbing again and the article in last Sunday's NYTimes about K2 got me interested in that mountain. This book just came out in October and is a history of different expeditions to climb K2, including the 2008 disaster that led to the deaths of many climbers. I was hesitant to get this one because it was written by Ed Viesturs, a master climber which therefore makes him a douchebag whose book I don't want to read. But this one seems to good to pass up. Matt called dibs.


• Teach Yourself Better Handwriting: Because I'm making an effort. I've always had bad handwriting. Yes, people from work, I recognize there is a problem. I remember that at the end of second grade, my teacher showed me something I had written at the beginning of the year and something I wrote the day before. She said, "Look how much better your penmanship was at the beginning of the year." And she was write, my handwriting had been much better at the beginning of the year. Unfortunately, it's only gotten worse over time and now only I can read what I write. On the other hand, I'm an excellent typer. Or is it typist? Either way, pens are for dorks.


• American Pastoral: This is a 1997 Philip Roth book that won the Pulitzer. I've started it and it's incredible, absolutely amazing. I was enveloped within a few pages. The only words I can use are visual. It's a beautiful, intricate book. I'm on page 37.

On another note, Nilda and I are two episodes in to season 1 of The Wire. It's hard to get into a show that's been so hyped up, but we're giving it a shot. Thanks to Irene and Jeff for recommending the subtitles, it's a big help. I'm impressed so far with how many levels the show operates on, how conflicted and how real the issues appear. Like the sergeant who wants is upset that one of his officers hit a kid and blinded him in one eye, yet still feels compelled to defend him. We'll see.

The Avatar Screenplay

The Little Jersey Shore

I'd thank my sister Julie for the link, but she doesn't read the blog. Ham!

The Great Oyster Experiment

I had never had an oyster until Nilda and I started dating. For those of you who don't know why, it's because they're tref, non-kosher, something that did not fit into the Heller's kosher-style lifestyle. Needless to say, oysters are amazing. I've only had them at restaurants, however, and had never opened one myself. So when we saw oysters at the farmer's market, the Great Oyster Experiment began.

Nilda thought I was going to cut off a finger and was instantly against the oysters. Because I respect and listen to my wife, I went out and bought an oyster knife. We searched all over Inwood for an oyster glove, with no luck. You try translating "oyster glove" at C-Town.

Before we knew it, Saturday was oyster day. $10 per dozen for local oysters which is pretty good. I convinced the lady to give me the big mutha, which was bigger than most of the other oysters combined. In retrospect, I think she was trying to teach me a lesson.


I read up and watched youtube videos on how to shuck and got to work. I soon realized that it's not as hard as everyone makes it out to be and I probably didn't need my $1.99 work gloves. You jam the oyster knife into the only crevace that makes sense and push, turning the knife to pop off the shell. When you scrape the oyster from the top and bottom shells, trying to preserve as much of the juice as possible, you'll understand why the oyster knife is shaped the way it is.

Only a few were problematic, more of a learning curve than anything. When the oyster is long, you have to be careful not to break the top shell in half. The giant oyster seemed like a good idea, but the shell fell apart when I shucked it and it wasn't as good as the more medium-sized oysters. The Great Oyster Experiment was a success. And they said it couldn't be done...Nilda.

P.S. - I'm sparing you a post about the vanilla bourbon ice cream I made today. Yeah, I'm domesticated, you got a problem? I'll cut you with my oyster knife.

The Provisional Return Of Mary

The power of The Most Important Blog In The Universe. Less than 24 hours after being called out for abandoning the blog, Mary decided to come back to the fold.

Welcome back, Never Negotiate With Toddlers. As per the handbook, your return is subject to a 90-day probationary period. We will sit down and review your progress at the end of the probationary and determine whether you are eligible for permanent reinstatement. Congratulations!

Nilda Watched Grey's Anatomy Without Me And I'm Confused About My Feelings

I was out tonight for work, "lecturing" at a bar association. I was joking that it sounds prestigious, but I'd rather be home being forced to watch Grey's Anatomy at home. Then I finally get home and Nilda watched Grey's Anatomy without me.

How am I supposed to feel about this? Upset? Relieved? My initial reaction was to be upset that she didn't wait for me. This obviously doesn't make sense because since when have I looked forward to Grey's Anatomy. If she had watched The Vampire Diaries without me I wouldn't care. Does this mean I actually like watching Grey's Anatomy? Have I been using the "forced" line as a cover for liking this terrible, terrible show? Who am I?

How Could You, Mary?

It is time. The following blogs have been removed from the links to the right. It was starting to look like a graveyard over there. Sure, it was a great idea at the time to start a blog, right? Let's say goodbye:

• Don't Be So Dramatical (last post June 20, 2009): Harley started out strong, had a few really long posts, then fell off. I think she made each post such a herculean task that continuing to blog just became harder than it was worth. Goodbye.
• Never Follow A Hippie To A Second Location (last post April 28, 2009): I'm not sure exactly what Jen Simon was planning on with this. It seemed like she was trying to find a place to showcase all the stuff she found on the internets, which soon became more of a chore than anything else. It was only a matter of time. Adieu.
• Never Negotiate With Toddlers (last post September 16, 2009): I liked Mary's blog a lot. I thought she got the right tone and insights that made it interesting. I liked when she wrote about the funny stuff her kids did. Then she got pissed off and quit. That sucked. Bye bye.
• Climbing Out of This Hole (last blog unknown): This was Mary's alternative blog, where she planned to chronicle the story of a family's changed circumstances. Then she gave up and we lost this blog, too. Farewell.

Boy, I feel better. Like a big weight off my shoulders. Now I'm going to have Haagen-Dazs chocolate peanut butter ice cream, otherwise known as the best ice cream of all time.

Yup, It's A Blog

• I need to clean up the links you see to the right. I'm starting by deleting links to blogs that have been abandoned. I'm looking at you, Mary.
• We've started watching The Wire. We're giving it a shot.
• I'm dying to read the new book about the 2008 election, Game Change. And man, I need it. Politics have been boring since George Bush left office. I never thought I'd say this, but I miss George Bush.
• I've seen a lot of blogs recently (including mine) talking about how they're going to try to do better to keep up blogging. At first I thought that meant that blogging is dying. Now I just think that it's in a lull and will come back when something interesting happens. As much as the news is on a 24 hour cycle, there seems to be an overarching 6 month cycle on top of it.
• Our federal trial scheduled to start on January 19 got pushed back to February 9. The judge told us that there are five criminal trials and five civil trials set to start that day. The criminal trials get priority and the judge did not believe that there would be enough jurors for our trial. FYI - trial season has begun. We've got four scheduled for the upcoming months.
• The Eagles lost the Cowboys this weekend and it was depressing. This is the reason why I hate George Bush (for those of you who don't know, this is Bush with the owner of the Cowboys):

New Year's

The Most Important Blog In The Universe has been busy. Doing stuff. Kind of important. And stuff. Anyway, here are pics from New Year's:

Damn, I'm sexy.

The Kings (not shown, Greg's old roommate Alex):

Gary & Ellie


We went to Keen's Chophouse, which I had never heard of before but apparently is famous and great. A couple of us ordered the porterhouse for three "very extra rare." Before:

After:

We all went back to Jeremy & Irene's place in Brooklyn, and Nilda and I stayed over. Jeremy had a cigar soon after midnight, which was a great idea to have after three Manhattans and steak. He turned various shades of green and was gone within minutes. He woke up the next morning very proud that he was able to get to his bed on his power. Good times.

We watched The Hangover the next day and it was hilarious, as good as the hype. Irene showed us some Zach Galifianakis interviews, "Between Two Ferns" and they were hilarious.

Between Two Ferns with Zach Galifianakis from Between Two Ferns

Between Two Ferns with Zach Galifianakis from Between Two Ferns

Between Two Ferns With Zach Galifianakis from Between Two Ferns

P.S. - The eagles went from being the hottest team in football to being a sure fire loser to the cowboys. The cowboys! I don't want to talk about it.

P.S.S. - I still love the dishwasher. With all my heart.

The Most Important People Of The 2000s

No one seems to know what to call the 2000s. I heard the "naughts" or the "aughts" and those are terrible choices. The natural term seems to be "the 2000s" so that's what we're going with, people. The Most Important Blog In The Universe has spoken. And while we're at it, we're calling the next decade "the teens." And I swear to God, Irene, I'd better not get any posts about how this isn't really the start of the next decade since it won't "officially" be the teens until 2011 because no one cares except you. It's and Its are still fair game.

Anyway, here's a non-exhaustive list of the most important people of the last decade, in no particular order:

• George W. Bush: Unfortunately, he shaped the decade and the world. I still wonder what it would have been like if Gore had won.
• Osama Bin Laden: It's who was important, not who was good.
• Obama: The choice of a new generation. He's the brightest and most positive thing to come out the 2000s. Of course he deserved the Nobel.
• Jon Stewart: He was the only real social commentator that mattered, reminding everyone what the news media is supposed to be. Stephen Colbert runs a close second.
• Bill O'Reilly: He energized a segment of the right that has now become a mainstream political force, at a time when Rush Limbaugh was forgotten in a cloud of prescription medications. There would be no Sarah Palin or Glen Beck without him.
• Alan Greenspan: He got us into this mess, but at least has the decency to admit it.
• Justin Timberlake: Yes, this one is embarrassing to admit, but he went from boy band fluff to respected musician. The music industry is better because of him.
• The Guy Behind TMZ: Whoever invented this not only made people look at bloggers as a respected news source, but, unfortunately, made news sources act more like bloggers.
• Tina Fey: She brought political satire back to SNL and became the nonthreatening voice of the urban liberals.
• Michael Moore: He reinvented the documentary and, for better or worse, became the symbol of the angry left.
• Judd Apatow: Sensitive dorks are back. And they brought weed.
• Steve Jobs: This was the decade of the ipod and the iphone, neither of which would exist if it weren't for Jobs. He may be an ass, but he pushes the boundaries of technology all by himself.
• Simon Cowell: No one escapes American Idol.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!

All Apologies

Blogging is hard, people. You have to make time to think of something to say, then actually take the time to write it. It's not as easy as it sounds. I see that I had a burst of interest on Monday. That's not surprising, in retrospect, since everyone has been trying to kill time at their desks all week. I'm not looking forward to getting back into the swing of a rough work week. Anyway, I'm back. For now.

Random Boring Shit

• Hanukkah is not a religious holiday. It celebrates a revolt by a bunch of fanatics who turned out to be totalitarian zealots that ultimately could not hold onto power. Read David Brooks' column.
• Irene has me terrified about my "its" and "it's." "Its" really annoying.
• I read about a professor in Tel Aviv who is writing that the early Jews were not monotheistic. Moses said that there shall be no other gods before God, not that the other gods didn't exist. Now you know. You're welcome.
• I never would have thought that people would be so interested in Tiger Woods' affair. It seems that people projected so much of what they believed in hard work and talent on him that they feel let down. He was an icon, kind of like Bruce Springsteen, who turned out to be more human than anyone wanted him to be.
• I liked Obama on 60 Minutes. I trust that whatever he's doing, mistakes included, is exactly what I would be doing, and I like that. I'm still in the cult.
• Nilda and I are watching Dwarf Adoption. I have no idea why.
• Electric Box is a terribly addicting, but amazing iphone game. Curse you, Cousin Bill!
• Finally, I won the football pool. This, of course, is because I am AWESOME.
• Go Iggles.

That's A Dealbreaker

Goodbye, alarm clock. We've had some good times together. I got you at K-Mart in 2001, back when your cd player was actually an attractive feature. We've gone from the East Village, to Murray Hill, to Washington Heights, to Inwood. But now you're snooze bar isn't working, and how can anyone expect to function without a snooze bar. I'm sure you understand. I'll miss you.

How To Set Up A Christmas Tree

I always said I'd never have a tree, but here we go. First, you have to go out in the rain/sleet/snow on Saturday and pick out a tree before frostbite sets in. There are about 100 trees, but you're only allowed to choose between the two that the guy selects for you. And don't mess with that guy because he's been in the cold for a lot longer than you with only a port-a-potty to keep him company and he will cut you. Then he sticks the tree into one of those funnels they use to kill chickens and you're stuck with it.

After you walked home in the rain/sleet/snow and had to take several breaks because Nilda talks about how heavy the tree is and switches ends and then changes her mind until you decide to just pick the damn thing up yourself and carry it the rest of the way home which you should have probably done in the first place, you're ready to begin step 2. Set up the tree in five minutes and then spend the next 20 washing the sap off your hands and dustbusting up the fallen needles. Get used to dustbusting, it's part of the fun.

Step 3, pull out all of the ornaments that you had meticulously arranged in a box last January and start putting them up. You will say that you don't want to do this, but will inevitably be conscripted into helping. Nilda will start to lose steam after putting the lights up so you have to help to keep the momentum going. Make sure the Eagles ornaments get a prominent location. Garland = pain in the ass. Here it is, in all it's goyisha glory, with the shot that Nilda insisted upon to show perspective.

Last, but not least, you have to put all the empty boxes that the ornaments came in into a larger box. This is Brian Work as Nilda needs help with the spatial orientation. I blame a severe Tetris deficiency that Nilda suffered growing up. That's why The Most Important Blog In The Universe supports the Gameboy For Every Child Initiative.

Once the tree was up, we attended our new building's annual holiday party. Nilda made coquito for the first time (it was amazing!) and it was a huge hit. It's the undisputed principle of Christmas: white people love coquito. We also took this opportunity to play the "you show me yours, I'll show you mine" game of showing off our apartment. Hands down, Nilda has the best kitchen and bathroom in the building. I just live here.

The building likes to sing songs while musicians in the building play along. I swore I wouldn't sing, but before I knew it I was singing about how Our Lord Has Come and Our Savior Is Born. I move to New York, the Jewish capital of the world, only to sing Christmas carols with a tree in my home. Go figure. But we sang the dreidel song TWICE, so that apparently makes it even.

The best part about the process was that I finally got Nilda to go to Applebee's where I learned why and how America is obese. I also heard my new favorite song for the first time. THAT'S NOT MY NAME!