Can You Explain Internet?

Ah, the 90s. The forgotten decade. How misunderstood you remain. You remain a jumble of Generation X, Ben Stiller, Structure, Lisa Loeb, Friends, loud print clothing, three-disc CD players, boring economic booms, VCR rentals, a band called Live and, of course, the arrival of the internets. I remember my roommate and I going to the computer lab late at night on a Tuesday after wondering what would happen if we typed in "playboy.com." The wonders that awaited us. Here are three very white people trying to figure out what the internet is. Thanks for the link, Mom!!

Fuck You, Snow

Another snow storm, and I still have to go to work. I create the illusion that the snow slows me down, but the truth is that my sidewalks are always plowed and my underground subway line runs like any other day - except that there are less people, which means that the subway is actually better than normal during a snow storm.

The best purchase of the season has been putting the car in a garage. Every time I hear even a faint whisper of the possibility of snow, I am grateful that the enclosed garage will save me from having to dig the car out of the snow or force me to find parking among the snow dunes. Still, the garage is at best a close second to best purchase of the year. That honor remains with the touch sensor for the lamp, because it's just too much work for us to reach up and turn off the light.

P.S. - Check out this blog of kids posing with animals they killed while hunting. I've never had a problem with hunting before, but seeing a 12-year-old with a big grin proudly holding a freshly-killed deer by the antlers is freaky.

Back To Vermont

Last weekend was our ski trip to Vermont and it was great. We drove up on Saturday morning and went to Stratton Mountain.

Since I'm such an expert skier after my one trip last month, I left Nilda with the other 4-year-olds in the learn to ski group and went higher up the mountain. Check out GI Joe Nilda - Ski Patrol.

After a while, I started getting the hang of it. Other than one "How the fuck can they call this a green??" moment, I did just fine. Did you know they have beer on top of these mountains? How awesome is that?

We asked one guy to use my phone to take a picture of us together on the mountain. As you can tell, he did a great job.

I liked skiing so much that I went again on Sunday. Nilda had had enough after about 2 hours on Saturday. Instead, she had to suffer through a facial at the spa at Mt. Snow.

We went to the bed & breakfast and relaxed by the fireplace. It was a gas fireplace, though, which really makes it a big candle. Only wood can make a real fire.

This hallway was freaky. Every time I turned a corner on my big wheel, I was terrified I'd see those two twin girls again.

We especially liked the wallpaper, though. The snozzberries tasted like snozzberries!

I told Nilda that I want to open a ski slope that's all expert black diamond that dares people to ski, and posts videos of injuries. We'll call it Mount Doom. Nilda says, "What are you opening? A resort with no insurance?"

I'm still surprised how much I liked skiing. I'm looking forward to going again this season. Then I, like Uncle Traveling Matt from Fraggle Rock, may carry the honor of the white leg.

Wearing Ladies Slippers

The week before Christmas, Matt and I went to Lord & Taylor to buy Ugg slippers, me for Nilda and him for his sister. I asked the sales lady if they had Uggs for men, to which Matt replied, with clear disdain, "What?!?! No way." Two weeks later, Matt has a pair of Ugg slippers all his own. Two weeks after that, I now have my own.

These things are amazing. I've never worn slippers before, but now I don't want to take them off. It keeps my toes warm and even though my ankles get cold I don't mind. I don't know physics so I can't truly understand it. All day, I look forward to coming home so I can put my slippers on. What the hell has happened to me? As Matt says, "It's like my feet are having sex. It's not the straightest thing I've ever said, but it feels good so I'm going with it."

A Pox On My House

Nilda still has the chickenpox and oh my god is she not happy about it. It started out on Sunday with a few little bumps here and there. By Monday, she was covered in red blisters that varied from atom nucleus-size to old faithful geyser. I have learned that it is possible, in fact, to part Nilda’s hair to put calamine lotion on her scalp.

Nilda’s been in a lot of pain and it has sucked for her. She freaked out at me last night because, as Nilda put it, “I HAVE CHICKENPOX!!!” You just can’t argue with logic like that. But really, I’ve had a hangnail all afternoon that really, really hurt, but you don’t hear me whining about it.

Today seems to have been better and that’s a good sign. Maybe the anti-viral medicines they gave her are finally working. Nilda even went outside with me on an ice cream run tonight, which she normally is more than happy to let me do by myself. She even got to see some people during her expedition outside.

At least Nilda can look forward to a weekend away in Vermont in two weeks. We’re staying at a small bed & breakfast with a fireplace in the room that’s near Stratton, so we can go skiing. Nilda’s looking forward to skiing, which combines her two favorite activities: cold, wet snow and a new physical activity that’s she not comfortable with. It’s going to be great. We’re both looking forward to ending the day sitting in front of a fire and drinking. Heavily. Just thinking about it makes me sentimental.



P.S. – I read an article about Bunny Wailer of Bob Marley & The Wailers and I’ve been going through a reggae music phase since then. I’ve decided to write a reggae song. I don’t have the melody yet, but it's titled, “I Should Call The Credit Card Company About This Suspicious Charge."

Driving Into Suburbia

We went to Stew Leonards on Saturday and it was everything I hoped it would be. We had stopped in there before, but this was the first time we had made a special trip just to Stew Leonards. I bought all kinds of shit and I look forward to eating at least two-thirds of it.

After Stew Leonards, Nilda suggested we drive up Broadway and see what’s there. See, Nilda? We’re using the car for activities! Living this far up, the prospect of venturing into the unknown north was daunting, yet we forged ahead anyway. The problem was that we ended up in Yonkers.

While we were lost in Yonkers (get it? neither did Nilda), we (1) made a return at DSW, (2) ate at a Pizzeria Uno’s and (3) saw a movie, all without leaving the same strip mall. We saw The Fighter and loved it. It was date night in suburbia. The best part was that we could drive home and didn’t have to take the subway. I realized that one of the reasons we don’t see many movies any more is because of the horrible 45 minute subway ride afterwards, which is awkwardly depressing.

We went to a car wash on the way back, which I had never done before. For just $6, the car went from the dry dog shit gray color it was because of the dirt and salt, back to black. It’s not like I can wash the car myself, since I don’t even have a hose, and I didn’t even have to get out of the car. I love paying people to do things for me.

We also took down the Christmas tree, which is way more difficult than it sounds. They don’t teach Christmas tree removal in Hebrew school. The thing dries no matter how much water you give it, so that the arms twist like they’re desperately trying to hold on to the ornaments and the needles look to jump ship like they’re on the titanic. By the time we got it out of the apartment, it looked like a Christmas tree Holocaust.

Things took a turn for the worse when Nilda woke (me) up at 4:00 in the morning to discover that she now has the chickenpox, which she’s never had before. Nilda blames me for this, since I had shingles two weeks ago. I say how can anyone over the age of 10 never have had the chickenpox? I'm going to have to talk to Stella about this. I am sorry I gave you chicken pox, sweetheart. Feel better!!

Making things even worse, the Eagles lost in the playoffs to the Green Bay Packers. I watched with my neighbor Mike, who is a Packer fan. This sounds like a bad idea, but he was convinced that the Packers would lose because all the commentators were picking them to win. Things were going fine until Michael Vick threw a stupid interception to seal the win for the Packers. He started screaming and I had to tell him to calm down. Really, there’s no need for the violence. Nilda is really upset, because you know how much she loves the Eagles. Stupid David Akers.

Happy New Year

I always love the week between Christmas and New Year. Things are usually quiet at work and everyone's happy that Christmas is finally over. Add in a snow day to an already short work week and things were down right festive. And, really, you have to enjoy this week because starting January 2, it's cold and dark and you can only hope that you survive until March, and when March finally comes its still cold and life sucks. So, Happy New Year!

Andrew and I saw Phish at MSG on Thursday night and it was awesome. Did you know that they sell beer at madison square garden? I apparently didn't, because I was drinking it like there was never going to be beer anywhere else. Ever. So yes, Friday morning was great.

New Year's was Mark Joseph's and going back to Brooklyn, which is always a great time. Instead of ordering the steak blue, as we usually do, we got it rare. Or, as my mom describes it, "disgustingly raw" and "how can you eat that?"

We played Dance Central on the kinect, which is like Guitar Hero with dancing. This game had to be made, because everyone wants to see white guys in their 30s jumping around like assholes.

Happy new year. I have neither resolutions nor goals for 2011. Don't you tell me to go to the gym, Nilda!

P.S. - I heard the audio of Tony Romo taking the hit where his collar bone was broken, taking him out for the season. The trainers ran out to him and the first thing Romo said was, "Did he catch the pass?" They said, "Yes, it's a first down." I have a whole new respect for Tony Romo.