How To Talk Like A Lawyer

Notes taken while defending a deposition, for the benefit of mankind:

• Never give an exact date. Everything is "approximately."
• Use phrases like "in or around" instead of "-ish."
• "Yes" or "no" or any similar definitive answers are not acceptable. Usually.
• If you have something insightful or revealing to say, don't ever write it down.
• You are never wrong. If you do happen to be wrong, make a big deal about it to show everyone how magnanimous you are.
• Use big words like "magnanimous."
• If you can't remember something, say you can't remember "at this time," so that you can "remember" later on.
• Say "I don't recall" instead of "no."
• Use the phrase "refresh your recollection," even though it sounds creepy.
• If you are going to mischaracterize what someone has said, start off by saying, "I don't want to mischaracterize what you said, but..."
• Invite people to speculate by asking them not to speculate. For example, "I don't want you to speculate, but..."