Live Blogging The Trial

So we started a trial today. I know that I said we were starting a trial a few weeks ago, but that one settled. This one, despite my best hopes, is actually going forward, and I'm on board. There have been no real settlement discussions (or interest from the defendant), so we're going forward with nothing to lose. I've decided to enjoy it.

Today was jury selection and openings. We were out by 1:00 pm. You have to love federal court. Contrast this with my experience on jury duty a few weeks ago in state criminal court, where it took more than one day to pick a jury for a 2 day trial. This was a different experience, but you can count on people to do everything they can to get out of jury duty. The irony is that everyone who actually sits on a jury enjoys the experience and talks about it every opportunity they can. "It was really interesting," seems to be the universal description.

Anyway, we've got a jury and our client takes the stand tomorrow. You spend years preparing for this moment and there it is. Everyone builds up trials, but it's really not such a big deal when you're there. You go in, you try your case, and the jury sees what it sees. What's not to like?

In far more important news, Nilda won a bid on a new chair. I'm told that my life is now complete. Hooray, he said dryly. (The truth is, the chair is wicked comfortable and it's the same one that Jack Donaghy has on 30 Rock. It rocks, but don't tell Nilda I said that).

In Defense Of Times Square

Yes, Times Square is loud, crowded and full of zombies infected with the tourism. But the new pedestrian zones have made it tolerable. There's more room to avoid the tourists, who travel in herds. And the tourists, they're all so happy to be there. Even the snotty teenage girls can't help but feel cool and take pictures of themselves. It's nice to see people enjoying Times Square, even if it's a cliche for you. I'm not saying go and hang out there, but walking through isn't so bad.

Beating The Neighbors At Monopoly

The neighbors came over on Saturday and, over Nilda's objections, we had a massive game of Monopoly. We all know that I can take Monopoly a little too seriously, but this game was different. This wasn't like playing with lawyers. There was no merging. There were no hard core negotiations. There was no long discussion of rules, full of hypotheticals and policy arguments. This was just a straight up four-person death match. And it didn't end pretty. Check out this board.

I got the green monopoly, which everyone knows is the best monopoly, and all of the railroads. Really. And this was after I negotiated immunity on the yellows. I was even able to put monopolies on the dark blues, which everyone knows is a waste. It's not that I wanted to be so successful in the cut throat world of paper money real estate, it just happened. Sorry, Mike and Jen.

The game finally ended when I landed on free parking, at a time when I absolutely didn't need it.

Thanks for coming over, Mike and Jen. Hope to see you guys real soon after the baby is born. The lesson of the evening: Brian takes Monopoly way too seriously. Don't mess with the master.

How To Talk Like A Lawyer

Notes taken while defending a deposition, for the benefit of mankind:

• Never give an exact date. Everything is "approximately."
• Use phrases like "in or around" instead of "-ish."
• "Yes" or "no" or any similar definitive answers are not acceptable. Usually.
• If you have something insightful or revealing to say, don't ever write it down.
• You are never wrong. If you do happen to be wrong, make a big deal about it to show everyone how magnanimous you are.
• Use big words like "magnanimous."
• If you can't remember something, say you can't remember "at this time," so that you can "remember" later on.
• Say "I don't recall" instead of "no."
• Use the phrase "refresh your recollection," even though it sounds creepy.
• If you are going to mischaracterize what someone has said, start off by saying, "I don't want to mischaracterize what you said, but..."
• Invite people to speculate by asking them not to speculate. For example, "I don't want you to speculate, but..."

Breaking News

• Breaking news: Nilda and I are going to Cabo the first week in May for our third anniversary. The problem with planning a vacation is that you have to sit and wait months for it. The more pressing problem is that this gives Nilda plenty of time to attempt to get my sorry ass in shape.
• Now that it's getting warm again, I'm back to running again. I'm going through the park listening to Phish, like it's months ago.
• Thank God February is over. Winter is something to survive. Once February is over, you can see the end.
• The storm over the weekend was worse than I thought. Trees were falling and shit! Someone woke up on Sunday and learned they were having a bad morning.

• The most popular blog post ever: "Zodiaq Bianco Carrara Quartz Countertop Compare Look Review." At least twice a week, I get a spam comment on this post. Finally, I have earned the recognition and public approval I deserve.
• I've signed up for myfooddiary.com to keep track of what I'm eating. It's amazing how motivating a little sad face because you (a) didn't exercise today or (b) had too many saturated fats and/or sodium, can be. Curse you, Haagen Daaz!
• Nilda luuuvs her design shows and now she's got me hooked on Sarah's House. It's a Canadian show where this Candadian designer buys a Canadian house and renovates it. She goes through all the headaches and problems of a renovation and somehow comes out the other side with a great house. Once you can get beyond the Canadian accent ("Let's check the prohgress on the hause."), it's addictive. Curse you, Nilda!
• P.S. - Zima still exists. Seriously.

Badass Of The Day: Matt Lauer

Karl Rove was the architect of the Bush agenda, yet he's largely been forgotten. He's safe on Fox News and, at most, a relic of a long ago time we're all happy to forget. Now he even has a book out re-writing history. So who's the one holding him accountable? Who's the only person out there asking questions that can make Rove squirm? Matt friggin' Lauer. I always thought of Matt Lauer as the cheesy guy with Katie Couric. But he ripped Karl Rove's balls out through his ass and then mailed them to Dick Cheney. Good job, Matt.

Oscar Picks

Oscar picks have nothing to do with the movies. The winner selected is either (1) the person everyone wants to win, otherwise known as who's turn it is, or (2) the person or film that the most amount of voters have an incentive to win, which explains why Crash won best film. This is why I rock the office Oscar pool. Here are this year's picks:

• Picture: Avatar
• Director: James Cameron
• Actor: Jeff Bridges
• Actress: Sandra Bullock
• Supp. Actor: Christopher Walz
• Supp. Actress: Mo'Nique

The real race this year is between Hurt Locker and Avatar for best picture and, James Cameron and Kathryn Bigelow for best director. The common belief is that one movie will win for director, the other for best film, though no one can tell which movie will win for which category. I say that both of those voters will cancel each other out and that Avatar will win for both. Yeah, there's some new system of voting, but I don't understand it so it doesn't matter. You are mine, $75.

P.S. - The return of Mary has not been lost on me. Keep writing, we're loving it. It's good to have you back.

Running

As anyone who knows me is already aware, I am a health and fitness nut. Exercise and a healthy diet is extremely important to me. Since we've moved, I've enjoy running through Inwood Hill Park in the mornings on pretty much a daily basis. There are a few times, however, when running is simply not possible. Let's take a look. I can't run:

• When it's cold.
• When it's hot.
• When it's dark.
• Uphill.
• Downhill.
• When I'm tired.
• When I have to get up early.
• When I'm going to be up late that night.
• In the rain.
• In the snow.
• When it looks like it might rain or snow.
• When I don't feel like it
• Daylight savings time.
• Jewish high holidays.
• And everyone's favorite, when Nilda tells me I don't have to.

As you can see, my motto is just do it. No excuses, Nilda.

SNL: Olympics On Telemundo