Michael Jackson Is More Interesting Than I Thought

GQ had an article on Michael Jackson that focused on the time right before Off the Wall (and right before plastic surgery) through his appearance at the Motown 25th Anniversary show, where he performed Billie Jean. The cover reads, "When Michael Was Cool." Here are the highlights:

• Michael's great-great grandfather on his mother's side was an Alabama plantation slave named "Prince Screws," who names his son Prince Screws, Jr., who then had Prince Screws III. Michael naming his sons "Prince" actually means something.
• When Michael was 17, he watched Stevie Wonder made "Songs in the Key of Life." Stevie doesn't ask Michael to do anything on the record. Michael just watches.
• Michael started writing his own songs at home, singing the instrumental parts into a recorder. He is passable at piano and plays bass. This was how he made the first recording of "Don't Stop 'Til You Get Enough."
• He records at home with his brother Randy and sister Janet. They are both younger than him.
• Michael's high falsetto voice was carefully crafted to maintain his ability to sing in a higher range, isolating certain vocal cords.
• Michael, in a moment of anger, once, broke into a deep, gruff voice, his natural voice. Liza Minnelli claims to have heard this other voice, too.
• Michael would give detailed interviews to Ebony and Jet magazines, talking about how he trusted only them and that he would speak only them.
• He used to consistently push that he was not gay. He said, "There's a reason why I was created male. I'm not a girl."
• Quincy Jones, who produced Off the Wall and Thriller, used to call Michael "Smelly," since he kept covering up his nose.
• A songwriter brought "Rock with You" to him to record. He went home and wrote "Don't Stop 'Til You Get Enough."
• Michael only agreed to perform with the Jackson 5 at the Motown 25th Anniversary show after he was promised a solo performance of a non-Motown song. He did "Billie Jean." When he was done, Richard Pryor said, "That was the greatest performance I've ever seen."
• Michael messed up the dance moves on "Billie Jean." He wanted to hold toe stand after the moonwalk longer.
• He's got a weird thing with kids, but it seems too far-fetched to think that he was a child molester.
• There are pictures floating around of what Michael would look like if he had not had surgery. I don't know how accurate they are, but here's one of them.
  
  

Back From Miami

• Delta is horrible. We got to the airport and went to check in. After waiting in line, because you have to wait in line at Delta, we were told that we were 4 minutes late (seriously!) and could not check our bags. The flight was supposed to leave at 6:30 and it was 5:34 pm. This is after we already paid $15 just to check one bag. We are never flying Delta again.
• Once we got on the plane, we had to wait on the runway for 2 hours.
• A shitload of Rum & Cokes on the plane = happy Brian & Nilda.
• Miami is amazing to look at. I never thought I would say this or know what it means, but I love art deco architecture.
• Cuban coffee = fucking awesome.
• No one in Miami will speak Spanish to me. I speak Spanish to them, they answer me in English. I keep speaking Spanish to them, they keep eh-speaking English to me. I can't win.
• I love the beach.
• We stayed at Nilda's family's condo by the beach. I love it there, but I can't see how people live there year round, in that vacation limbo.
• I was floating in the ocean thinking how nice it would be to have a place near the beach. Then I remembered that we were staying there, dumbass.
• We had one of the best expensive dinners we ever had at the Palme D'Or at the Biltmore Hotel in Coral Cables. It was absolutely incredible. I kept thinking how Irene would love it.
• Having a car is nice, but having to drive everywhere sucks. It severely impacts your permitted alcohol consumption.
• We were bumped to first class on the way home. The flight attendant said it was because we didn't bother her during boarding. Lesson learned.
• There were a lot of kids on the flight. I realized that Andrew and I, as kids, must have been the worst passengers ever.
• At 10:00 am on Monday morning, I was thinking about how in 24 hours, I'd be at work. Tuesday morning at 10:00 am sucked.
• We have to go back this winter, Nilda.

Working Weekend

Things are crazy at work right now. I'm taking a deposition on Wednesday, defending a deposition on Thursday, both while I have an opposition to a motion for summary judgment due on Friday, which still needs a lot of work. Oh, and I also have another motion due early the following week, which I forgot about.

So, of course, I'm off to Miami for the weekend! Nilda and I are leaving tomorrow night and we won't be back until Monday night. See you next week.

GI Joe Is A Terrible Movie

In my ongoing efforts to be romantic, I took Nilda to see District 9 this weekend. It was a smart, thought-out movie that was well made and did not get boring. Even the plot holes (human and aliens understanding each other but each speaking their respective languages) seemed to make sense, somehow. The political allegory was there yet not overdone, and I loved it. Nilda, not so much.

Nilda, throughout the movie, entertained both myself and our fellow movie-goers with a running commentary on why the move was, and I quote, "the worst movie of all time." Ugly looking aliens that Nilda cannot look at + a shit load of gore = NOT NILDA'S MOVIE. As punishment, Nilda made me go see GI Joe the very next day. Two movies in two days seems like a lot, yes, but Nilda, apparently, had to get rid of the "bad taste" she had from District 9.

GI Joe was horrendous. It was not that it was stupid, with obvious plot holes and horrid acting. That was to be expected. This movie has made clear that no one, ever, should actually say, in any form of seriousness, any of the following:

• "The Joes won't know what's coming."
• "Knowing is half the battle."
• "It's all up to the Joes, now."
• "Are they Joes?"

Worst of all, I had to sit there and watch Adebisi from Oz say, "Yo Joe," and be serious about it. (Oddly missing was someone yelling "Cobra!," which I guess even this terrible movie couldn't pull off.) I don't know if I'll ever recover.

Nilda tells me that District 9 was "so bad" that she gets credit for two more of her movies. I appealed, saying that I had gone to see Twilight with her, which only led to Nilda declaring that I would be seeing New Moon with her, in addition to some other movie, probably starring Katherine Heigl. I am in trouble.

Best Idea Ever

• Whoever thought of putting vitamins into gummies was a genius. I'm gonna be the healthiest motherfucker out there.
• Settling into the new apartment is better than I thought it was going to be.
• No, my commute isn't any longer, just two more stops on the same subway route I used before.
• I said this dishwasher was going to change my life and it has. I love my dishwasher, and I'm not afraid to admit it.
• My ice maker is my friend.
• Brian. Is. Ready. For. Football.
• It is an injustice that the Eagles are playing New England tonight and I can't watch it because Time Warner doesn't carry the NFL network. But who really cares because it's just preseason.
• Kate Gosselin is a genius. In just a few months, she went from having the whole country hating her to being on her side. She is the Hillary Clinton of reality tv.
• I've been running in the park in the mornings. I never would have thought I would, but I love it. And unlike going to the gym, I can shower at home. The parks around here are surprisingly nice at 6:30 in the morning:

The End Of The Renovations

We thought this day would never come, but here we are. We can cook, shower, AND go to the bathroom, so it seems we may have finally reached the end of renovating the apartment. Thank the lord and praise his name. Here's a look back on how far we've come. Nilda, if you post any comments about how how we have more to do, I swear to God I burning your Twilight dvd. And I am not kidding this time!

The bathroom before...

...and after.

The kitchen, "in all its 1940's glory..."

...and with enough counter space to take a nap.

The living room that is bigger than my old studio...

...now featuring everyone's favorite light fixtures. Please ignore the table. I am advised that it shall be replaced forthwith.

The bedroom before...

...and after Barney exploded, although I do have to admit that I like it. Yes, Nilda, I know it's not pink, but only because Dad confirmed your claims.

The foyer...

..and after we ripped out the poor kitchen door who didn't hurt anyone and just wanted to be loved. Check it out, we got our ketubah framed! It only took a little over two years, but at least we're the first of the Heller kids to get ours framed. Go team!

The second bedroom doesn't know what it wants to be when it grows up.

This room is like the Andrew of the apartment. No one really cares about it.

So there we are. I'm looking forward to putting the renovations and move behind us and getting back to wasting time on netflix and xbox. I'll even be able to stop focusing the blog on the apartment. Back to the Dark Crystal v. Dune, a topic that everyone can enjoy.

Your Dad Asks Questions About The Internet

Not my dad, of course. Ever since he finally accepted that high speed internet was a good thing, he's come around. But I can think of one person in my life who has not quite grasped the concepts of the internets...

On a related note, I want all of the interns to stop making fun of my aol account. Over the past 6 months, I've enjoyed such wonderful commentary as, "Who still uses aol?," "Oh my god, is that aim?!?!?" and "Not only is his email address 'boywonderesq,' but it's aol, too!" Really, there's nothing wrong with aol. It's not like yahoo or hotmail are such wonderful service providers. And gmail just finally got rid of its beta status, so is it really that much better? I think not.

Nilda Broke The Oven

We finally got to a point where we could pay attention to the new oven. So far, its greatest attribute was that the light fades on and off and, trust me, it's that cool. We watched the video with the "perfect turkey" feature and convection options and I was all set to use it for the weekend. Then Nilda, unable to hold off playing any longer, hit the "lock" button and was rewarded with lots and lots of beeping. Now, we can't open the oven and we need a service call to replace the locking mechanism. Awesome! At least there was no turkey being held hostage inside.

Luckily, we have a microwave that has a "convection oven" feature. I have no idea how this works, but I think it means that instead of microwaving whatever is inside, it simulates an oven by heating the air circulating inside. Whatever it does, it's cooking my meatloaf. Wow, this is the most exciting blog ever!!!

P.S. - Best result of a google search ever: "Can marijuana smell like mint or was I ripped off?" Really? There's no other test besides smell that you can think of?