Twin Conversation

I have not been able to escape the youtube video of the two twin 17-month-old boys having a "conversation." If you have been so lucky, your time is up.

Being someone who has had those exact conversations, I can tell you that this is probably what they are saying to each other:

• “Idiot.”
• "Loser.”
• “God, I hate you.”
• “You are a disgrace to the entire family.”
• “I sharted in the womb and you came out.”
• “Your very existence makes Mom cry.”
• “Dad pretends that you’re me, so that he can forget you exist.”
• “I saw your little wee-wee in the womb and we are DEFINITELY not identical. No wonder you feel such same.”
• “Stop staring at my wee-wee, fag.”
• “Looking like you is like looking in a mirror that’s facing my ass hole.”
• “The family took a vote and decided that you should be left outside to die.”
• “You know what, it doesn’t matter what you say, because you were adopted. There, I said it.”
• “I’m going to stab you with a sippy cup.”
• “I can’t believe I shared a womb with you. I just threw up in my mouth a little.”
• “Do you want to go pee on the carpet?”
• “Totally.”
  

The Drunkard's Progress

This is an illustration from 1846 in support of the temperance movement. As you can see, it accurately portrays the stages of drinking:

Step 1. A glass with a Friend.

Step 2. A glass to keep the cold out.

Step 3. A glass too much.

Step 4. Drunk and riotous.

Step 5. The summit attained. Jolly companions. A confirmed drunkard.

Step 6. Poverty and disease.

Step 7. Forsaken by Friends.

Step 8. Desperation and crime.

Step 9. Death by suicide.

I figure I'm approaching Step 4, but I'm working my way up. I'll get there someday.

Friday

It's 11:55 pm on Thursday, I'm working to finish this brief that's due tomorrow, and I can't stop looking at this awful, awful video. Pleae help me. I can't stand everything about it. From the horrible, horrible words, to the horrible, horrible way she says "Friday," to the terrible production that her dad must have financed. Why is this so mesmerizing?? Be careful not to look too deep, you may not be able to turn away.

One Month, Two Trials, Two Verdicts

We won a plaintiff's verdict on the pregnancy discrimination case earlier in February. Then, on the day that Nilda and I got married at City Hall, I took a call from work about a particular case. Nilda's still pissed at me for that. Last Friday, a jury came down with a verdict on that same case and we won on all counts. We represented three former employees who were sued by their former employer after starting their own business, and we won a defense verdict on all counts. We even won our crappy counterclaims. Almost four years to the day the lawsuit started, and the plaintiff owes the defendants money. Booyah. Here's what I've learned:

• Potential jurors hate lawyers. You have to go out of your way to appear like a normal person.
• Saying "objection" is as fun as it looks.
• You can tell you're conducting a successful cross examination when the jury turns their head from you to the witness, like it's a tennis match. Zing!
• It's fun when the judge tells you to approach during your adversary's questioning. It means he or she is in trouble.
• Talk to the jury after the trial to find out what worked and what didn't.
• You must must must have your witnesses look at the jury when they're testifying. It's awkward for the witness, but it's essential. The witnesses for the plaintiff never looked at the jury, and it's the first thing the jury brought up after the trial.
• One juror said that I was aggressive during questioning and kept hitting the same point over and over again. Sounds like I did exactly what I wanted to do. I'm a dick.
• When you're speaking too fast, trying talking like Barack Obama to slow yourself down. It makes...you...have...to slow down...your pacing.
• Summations are surprisingly fun. It's like having a conversation where you're the only person who gets to talk, and who doesn't want that?
• Waiting for a verdict is terrible and painful. There's no greater anxiety in the law.
• I once heard a lawyer say that trials are fun, which made no sense to me at the time. You work as hard as you can to avoid them, but when you get into court, you're ready to go and that's why you do it. He's got a point. I'll take a trial over an annoying motion for summary judgment any day. Of course, that's easy to say after two straight verdicts.

On another note, here's The Strokes playing their new single on SNL and it's awesome. I keep listening to it over and over again. I might actually pay for this album when it comes out. It's that good. I can't believe it's been 10 years since "Is This It" came out.