The Birthing Class

On Saturday, Nilda and I went to a birthing class at the hospital, with 11 other couples. Here's what I learned:

• This shit gonna hurt.
• Nilda is going to be a pain in the ass and I, as the father, have to deal with her.
• If you put ice in your hand for 30 seconds, it hurts. But if you concentrate on your breathing and focus your eyes on one point, the pain becomes slightly more tolerable. This is the point of Lamaze.
• I do not want Nilda to have a c-section. It is major surgery that can exponentially increase your recovery time, right when you have a newborn at home. About 75% of the class was about ways to avoid a c-section.
• When you actually go into labor, stay at home for as long as you can. Once you get to the hospital, an imaginary clock starts ticking by when you have to get a c-section.
• There was a section on how to talk to doctors and nurses without sounding rude. For example, ask general questions instead of saying what you don't want. It was very comforting to be told how we have to be delicate with the hospital staff, because they're sensitive and will retaliate.
• Some couples will come up with a birth plan, setting forth their desires for the birth. The doctors and nurses at the hospital will ignore you, so don't even bother.
• You are not allowed to see the doctor perform the circumcision. This wasn't such a big deal to me, but one father there really wanted to see his son get circumcised.
• Labor is the contraction of the muscles in the uterus and abdomen. It is caused by a hormone called oxytocin, the synthetic version of which is called pitocin. Pitocin is a bad word.
• There are more c-sections on the east coast than the west coast, which is related to the fact that the east coast relies on pitocin more than the west coast.
• I thought that monitoring the baby before the birth sounded like a good idea, but this means strapping sensors to the mother that prevent her from getting out of bed, which may slow down the labor and lead to pitocin and, if the pregnancy still does not progress, a c-section. Once again, stay at home for as long as possible so that the hospital can't fuck you up.
• Wait for as long as you can before you get an epidural. If you get an epidural too soon, you will be sitting for too long and your labor may slow down, so you are more likely to get a c-section. If you wait too long to get an epidural and you're ready to push, it will be too late and you're fucked.
  
• One nice mother called an epidural an "epidermal." I'm sure it was an accident. It had to be an accident, right?
• If you are reading or seeing anything about labor, you are going to see female nipples. Not movie sex scene nipples, but massive, saucer size nipples.
• 10:00 am to 6:00 pm on a Saturday is a loooong day. I don't have to read any more books about labor, right?
  
• We have one more Saturday of classes in both newborn care and breastfeeding. This time, I say we do NOT take mushrooms beforehand.
  

We've come a long way and I am now anxious about the labor. As difficult as I know it will be with a newborn, I just want to have the kid home and know that he and Nilda are both ok. Just to see how far we've come, check out Nilda at 4 weeks and now, at 31 weeks: