My Favorite Metaphors

Nothing says "Thanksgiving" like a self-indulgent post about metaphors that I think about on a daily basis, leading to quotes that no one around me understands. How thankful you are.

The Swamp of Sadness: In "The Neverending Story," Atreyu has to cross the swamp of sadness on his quest to stop The Nothing. The swamp is an ugly and sad place, but if you let the sadness get to you, you sink into the swamp and never come out. The point is not to let yourself get so discouraged that you just give up. I use this one with interns all the time. And April.

The Beachhead: You have to decide if you're going to try to stop an issue "at the beach," like in Normandy in WWII, or whether you'll deal with the issue later. Sometimes you want to stop an issue before it starts, or try to build a better argument to use at a later time.

Burning the Boats: When Cortes landed in Mexico to conquer it on behalf of Spain, he burned the boats behind him so that his soldiers knew there would be no turning back. This one is about forcing commitment.

Princess and the Pea: When something is not right from the beginning, it never will be.

The Tortoise and the Hare: If you work diligently and keep moving forward, you'll ultimately be respected for it. Like Jon Stewart. Moving too quickly can lead to disaster.

The Slow Blade Penetrates the Shield: In Dune, Frank Herbert thought of shields that bullets will bounce off of, but which can be penetrated by a slow knife. Kind of like the tortoise and the hare, moving slowly and steadily can be the most effective method.

Why I Like The New Table

The table works a lot better in the apartment than it ever did on line. All the curves and angles that made me concerned about it in the store make it work perfectly in the apartment. The four corners are cut, so it looks like an octagon, so it doesn't feel boxy.

Plus, the beveling on all sides makes it fit more smoothly into the apartment without taking away surface area. I also appreciate the curved saber legs, which contrast with a lot of the straight lines that we already have.

In short, good job, Nilda. Don't say I don't ever listen to you. And don't ever, ever use this post as a reason to ignore what I say or I swear to God I'll take it down.

BLOG HIJACK!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY SWEETHEART!

Te quiero!

Jack Realizes I Am Not Daddy

...and he is not happy about it!

THE NEW TABLE!!!

IT'S FINALLY HERE!! AAAHHHHH!!! OH MY GAAAWWWWWD!!! YAAAY!!!!

Wow. My life is now almost complete. The new table came and Nilda could not be more excited. "It's a dining table, Brian," she tells me, reminding me that it finally replaces the crappy "country" table that she bought from Seaman's (hehehe) 9 years ago. We don't have chairs yet, and won't have any for the foreseeable future, but who needs chairs when you have two folding chairs that make the table look much much cheaper than it actually is?

This table is big, much bigger than Nilda or I thought it would be. Fortunately, the saber legs are not as feminine as I was afraid they'd be. ("We needed curves because the sofa is boxy, Brian," whatever that means.) And self storing leaf = Brian not having to lug this shit in and out of it's protective case in the closet with Nilda's changing whims. The real question is what I get out of this. The answer, is nothing.

Six Months Later

We closed on the apartment on April 29 and have lived here since June 19, yet it feels like much longer. It's been great getting accustomed to the new normal. Here are few things I've noticed:

• Thank God the renovations are done. The apartment looks great, but I'm still scarred months later.
• I passed a big milestone this weekend when the guy at the dry cleaner remembered my phone number without my telling him.
• This is my favorite neighborhood that I've lived in in New York, including the East Village. And I luuuved the East Village.
• I still love the dishwasher. I said it was going to change my life and it has.
• Nilda and I are loving the farmer's market. There's nothing like eating corn that was picked at 5:00 that morning. I think this is going to get bigger, since we saw Food, Inc. yesterday, a great documentary about the food industry. We're thinking about buying a share of grass fed beef (and pork!) from a ranch in upstate New York.
• Our ice maker has been broken for a couple of weeks and we can't seem to get any repairmen to actually come to a scheduled appointment. Damn you, Fisher and Paykel!!
• I go to the park a lot more than I thought I would. I'm hoping to keep that up.
• I don't go to PJ Wines as often as I thought I would, though I have to admit I'm in there at least once a week. I just love knowing that it's near.
• The deli on the corner has a great beer selection. Do not underestimate the importance of having a deli with a good beer selection.
• 3 hours later, we come back from the bar where we watched the Eagles game. They lost to the Chargers, but 5 beers, buffalo wings and an order of sweet potato fries still make a good day.
• I used to joke that the seasons were better "up here," but it's kind of true.

Afternoon Safari Theme Park Delight

The Lawyer Representing The Guy Accused Of Extorting David Letterman Is An Asshole

This douche bag's name is Gerald Shargel, and he makes all lawyers look bad. He seems to have no genuine defense for his client, so he's instead taking this opportunity to get his lame ass on tv. When he is on tv, all he talks about is how "excited" he is to cross examine Letterman, which is a transparent attempt to try to intimidate Letterman out of pressing charges. It won't work (Letterman is too publicly invested to let it go) and only makes him and his client look even sleazier than they already are. And when he is on tv, he alternates between saying how only he knows all the facts or, when he gets a hard question, claiming that he doesn't know all the facts. What a dirt bag.

The defense that the defendant was trying to make a "commercial transaction" is the best thing that has happened so far. How can anybody, with a straight face, argue that trying to sell a story about the purchaser's secret affairs, with a note saying that his "world is about to fall apart," is a simple business deal? And who pays $2 million for a screenplay written by a nobody who's never written anything before? And it matters that he delivered this package at 6:00 am. He did it early to keep it quiet, since it was blackmail.

I go for jury duty on March 8. Third adjournment, so I have to serve. Hey dirt bag, if I get on your jury panel, I have read nothing about this case and can be fair and impartial.

Dayman v. Nightman

Day Man-It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia - watch more funny videos

Four Blogs In One! Four Blogs In One!

Why I Didn't Vote: Yeah, Bloomberg is fine, but I can't forgive him for changing the rules to allow him to run for a third term. And it pissed me off how he spent so much trying to drive Thompson into the ground. The voters must have agreed with me, since there's no explanation why Thompon, who sucks, kept the race so close. Still, I'm glad Bloomberg won. If I had voted, I would have voted for Nilda for mayor. If I have to be bossed around by her, so should everyone else.

The Most Important Blog In The World Endorses The Phillies: This may all be moot by now, but I've realized that I have to go with the Philly team. I simply cannot come to grips with supporting the other side, especially the Yankees. They're successful but annoying, like Hugh Jackman, or Halle Berry. Rooting for the Phillies reaffirms my being from Philadelphia, just like fasting until 2:00 pm on Yom Kippur reaffirms my being Jewish. (Yes, Nilda, it's still fasting if you have coffee and Tastykake chocolate covered donuts.) I'm still more excited about the Eagles/Cowboys game on Sunday than about the World Series. I'm making ribs.

The New V Series Is Better Than I Thought It Would Be: It started out like any other crappy ABC series, but I was into it by the end. I also never realized how much I remembered from the original series, like the fact that the main lady was named Diana or that there was an alien with a square head who was called the "fifth column," whatever that meant. And it's cute how they're trying to make it this political allegory, with the aliens of unclear origins offering "hope" and universal health care, while the press is too busy sucking up to question them.

The Dark Days Begin: I thought it would settle, but that's not going to happen. Brian is about to get a lot of experience on a case where he has nothing to lose.