Fear Of Pickles

Hopefully this informative video will spread awareness about this devastating and debilitating disease that is sweeping Jewish delis everywhere.

This Guy Is Awesome

It's amazing to me how comfortable this guy is being President. Beyond his ability to capably juggle many issues at the press conference, here's an article about how the Obamas are seen all around town, including at neighborhood restaurants. Here's another article about how Obama has tried to bring the black media into the fold. He is the first President to invite Ebony magazine to a press conference and skipped over established journalists to give that publication a question. This does not seem like much now, but has the potential to establish a broader appeal and greater relevance for black media.

Obama is the new Michael Jordan. I've even started working out in the mornings.

Inwood

As you are all aware, the Hellers are moving to Inwood. Yes, Nilda, you're a Heller now. Fine, you can be Jewish too. I never thought that I would live so far north, but I'm really excited about moving there. The only local street that goes into Inwood from the rest of Manhattan is Broadway, giving the neighborhood a separate feel from the rest of the city. These are some pictures Nilda and I took a couple of weeks ago in the park, in the brief amount of time I had before Nilda got too cold:

That's me holding a carton of apple cider we got at the farmer's market, which is there every Saturday. Farmer's markets are awesome! You get to spend a lot of money for tiny, misshapen apples with holes in them.

Here's a tennis court that's nearby. Nilda and I are talking about how we could play tennis there, an idea we expect to be laughing about hardily, months from now. However, if you hear yelling and a lot of cursing, you know we're trying:

This is a picture of birds that Nilda made me take. I have no idea why this was such an important picture, but here it is. Nilda, this is your punishment. What did we learn???

Here are some other points that the public needs to know about Inwood:

• Peter Minuit's "purchase" of Manhattan from the Lenape Indians on May 24, 1626 allegedly took place in Inwood. There is a plaque marking what's believed to be the spot of the sale in Inwood Hill Park. I hope they used a coupon.
• Kareem Abdul-Jabbar and Jim Carroll (who wrote "The Basketball Diaries") are both from Inwood. Really? Are those the best people we have. Fine, then. Barak Obama is from Inwood. Yeah, that's the ticket.
• Inwood Hill Park is the last natural forest standing on Manhattan Island and contains a natural salt marsh. Nilda's standing in front of it in the picture above. I still don't know what a salt marsh is, but they have one there if you're into that kind of thing.
• The area was first developed in 1906 when the IRT train (the "1") opened, with many houses built east of Broadway. There was a second boom when the IND subway (the "A") was built, when many of the area's art deco buildings, like ours, were built west of Broadway.
• The neighborhood was initially populated by Irish immigrants, which gave way to a large Dominican population, until the awful, horrible yuppies moved in.
• There are also a lot of classically trained musicians up there, and you KNOW those people like to party.
• The area is not known for its restaurants, but there are a couple of really good ones, including Park Terrace Bistro, a Moroccan place owned by a husband and wife, Mamajuana, a fancy Latin-American place, and Grandpa's Brick Oven Pizza, which has great thin crust pizza. Too bad that buying this place means we will never, ever be allowed to eat out again.
• Best of all, our apartment is almost across the street from PJ Liquor Warehouse, probably the greatest, most amazing, best selection and best prices of wine and liquor store I've ever been to. Nilda and I go there every so often and stock up, now I can stop by on the way home. Goodbye liver, hello weight gain!!
• It's the last stop on the A. At first that sounds terrible, but then I realized that I'll always get a seat and, best of all, there is a bathroom in the station, as a safety precaution for tequila shots. Finally, you're safe, tunnel at the 190th Street station.
• Like with most neighborhoods in New York, some residents can get a little obsessive. One has even started an Inwood blog, which I have to admit I'll probably wind up reading. I promise, here and now, never to blog exclusively about the neighborhood, but only about things that will matter only to my readers, meaning Andrew and Nilda.

The New Apartment

In early February, Nilda and I found an apartment that we loved. Nilda found the listing on Friday morning, we went to see the apartment on Saturday morning, and by Monday evening we had made an offer. After six rounds of counteroffers, we finally signed the contract in early March.

To be honest, I'm getting a bit sick of the process. Nilda made me go look at appliances this weekend. This meant spending two hours on the subway to go to BUMBLEFUCK BROOKLYN to go to some place that Nilda said we just HAD to go to. After looking at all the brands and styles and features, I had an epiphany on Friday night that kitchen design could be an enjoyable process. I was simultaneously longing for the time when it would be over. All I want is an ice maker, Nilda, that's all I want.

Anyway, now that we are "in contract," I'm finally able to blog about the place. It's a fantastic pre-war art deco apartment, in fantastic condition. The only thing that needs to be updated are the kitchen and bath, which, you can probably guess is the best possible scenario for Nilda. Here are some pics, check out the archways and the herringbone floors:

Here's the main bedroom, there's a dining room that will serve as a second bedroom:This picture was taken on the first day we saw the apartment. You can see Nilda thinking, "Hmmm, how can I do this in a way that's most expensive?"

That other woman in the picture is our broker. She's great, and really outgoing for a hobbit. Here's the kitchen. As Nilda says, "All this is gonna go..."

The bathroom is a hideous shade of 1940s golden urine. I had to fight to keep the tub ("A standing glass shower is so much more elegant, Brian!"), but I think I won that one. Everything else is going to be changed.

We can't move in until the bathroom renovation is finished. You can live without a kitchen, but you can't live without a toilet. We're hoping to close in late April. Nilda told me the other day that I'm going to have to start being more handy. Nilda, I've been thinking about it, and I'm not going to be doing that.

One of the best features of the apartment is the neighborhood, Inwood. I would have never thought I'd be excited to live someplace so far north of mid-town, but it's really a great place to live. It's got a small town feel, but it's still on the subway. There's more, but I'll save that for another post.

Obama's Message To Iran

It's amazing that after all the furor and fear that the Bush administration sold on Iran, Obama's positive message to the Iranian went pretty much unnoticed this week. That is has been such a non-issue shows that this is what everyone wanted, all along. It's also smart, since the Iranian people have always been more liberal than their leaders and took to the streets in protest on 9/11. The message was well timed, too, as it comes before the elections this summer. Obama's message of working together has a much better chance of success than any of Bush's threats.

Obama's NCAA Picks

I'm not into college basketball. I'm not into basketball to begin with, but college especially. There's too many teams and I don't have the patience or attention span to care. But I love that Obama went on ESPN to share his tournament picks. It shows decisiveness in the face of many factors, both known and unknown. It's also nice to have a President that can hang. For the record, I'm going with his picks.

Imprisoned In A Cellar For 24 Years

The NYTimes had a story this morning about Josef Fritzl, an Austrian man who kept his daughter imprisoned in his cellar for 24 years, raping her and fathering seven children. This freaked me out immensely and obviously required further investigation. Here's my journalism-paraphrasing:

• Fritzl kept her locked in a cellar under the house, that he fixed up with a bathroom, refrigerator and hot plate.
• He made the daughter write letters in captivity, claiming that she had run off to join a religious cult. Fritzl's wife claims to have known nothing believes those letters.
• Fritzl told his wife that he was building machines down there. He had the door barred with a keyless lock that only he could open. He told the people in "the bunker," as he called it, that he would kill them with gas if they tried to escape, and that the door was electrified.
• Fritzl had a prior conviction for rape and said he was born to rape. He said he locked up his daughter when she started to get unruly as a teenager, to keep the influence of the outside world away from her.
• Three of the children lived underground with their mother. He claimed to have "found" three of them at his door step, and raised them with his wife as adopted children. He murdered one of a set of twins who was born with breathing problems.
• He put in an expansion to the basement to get more room.
• His wife claimed to know nothing of her daughter's captivity just below her, and believed that her daughter had run of to join a cult.
• Everything came crashing down for Fritz when the oldest daughter got sick and Fritzl took her to the hospital. The daughter is now free and, most likely, living in some kind of hospital with her children. She moved in with her mother for a short period of time, but had a falling out with her because her mom did not stand up for her growing up.
• Here's what she looked like as a teenager, and also a map of the cellar:

There's a lot more info on this story, since it's received worldwide attention. Here's a story with a movie clip attached that I could not embed. Of course, there's always Wikipdia, the world's most reliable source of information.

Wow, that was uplifting. Happy St. Patrick's Day, everybody!!!

Nerd Alert!

The Earth could easily fit in the space between the Sun and this solar prominence on the top right of this picture:

This one makes a great desktop background:

You have to love Astronomy Picture of the Day.

What It's Like To Be A Twin

• Every time I hear my voice on the answering machine, I think it's Andrew.
• One time I went into Andrew's work. It was like like having amnesia. I had no idea who anyone was, but they all said hello to me.
• Meeting Andrew's co-workers is always fun. When they finally realize I'm not Andrew, they stare at me like I'm the weirdest thing they've ever seen. Then they invariably say, "Weird!!!"
• When I talk, they say, "He sounds like him, too!"
• Every now and then, I'll be walking down the street and someone will say hi to me. That means they think I'm Andrew.
• When someone stares at me in line at the movie theater, I know they think I'm Andrew.
• Mom was grateful for caller id, so she could finally tell us apart on the phone.
• Being a twin doesn't mean I don't also think that twins are weird. One time in high school, I saw identical twins on the bus and wondered, "I wonder what that is like."
• We always shared birthday parties together. I never minded. I still refer to my birthdays in the third person.
• No matter what each of us is doing, if we both do it together, it's funny.
• Andrew and I were both counselors at a day camp. The kids would always ask, "are you you or your brother?" To this day, that's the still the stupidest question I've ever heard.
• The only person I've ever been happy to think I was Andrew is Lilah, but she's old enough to know better now.
• The nieces can't tell us apart, so they will generally call us both either Uncle Andrew or Uncle Brian, taking turns with both names. I take it as a major victory when they call Andrew "Uncle Brian."
• When someone tells me they saw my twin, they're probably right.
• I'm not sure I know what I look like, but I know I look like Andrew.
• I have a hard time telling us apart in baby pictures.
• There was one time when I was confused. We were kids and I thought Andrew and I were playing chicken by walking into each other. We both laughed, then I walked into the mirror.

The Onion Completes Me

Year Of Law School Now Mandatory For Nation's 25-Year-Olds

WASHINGTON—Under the provisions of a bill approved by Congress and signed into law Tuesday, every 25-year-old American, regardless of prior life commitments, is now legally obligated to enroll in a full year of study at one of the nation's accredited law schools. "This new measure gives us the means to compel 25-year-olds to simultaneously placate their parents, impress their friends with complex-sounding legal jargon, and effectively avoid any real-world responsibilities for another full year," said Rep. Steve Buyer (R-IN). "We can think of no better way for our young people to squander their postcollegiate aimlessness." Congress is reportedly seeking further legislation that would provide for an additional nine months of grumbling over LSAT prep, and up to five years of whining about paying off student loan debt.

Jim Cramer's Response

Visit msnbc.com for Breaking News, World News, and News about the Economy

I'm not sure why I find this so interesting. It's not like either of them are deciding policy, they're just arguing for the fun of it, with no chance of impacting anything. It reminds me of a debate in student government.

Good luck to Jack today on his bris! And happy birthday to Harley! Unfortunately, these celebrations will be eclipsed by the fact that today is the 20th anniversary of my Bar Mitzvah. Thank you in advance for your kind words and envelopes full of money.

The Daily Show On CNBC

Going Home

Everyone wish Jack luck, as he attempts to summit tonight.

Jack Heller

Jack Abrevaya Heller was born yesterday at 1:02 pm, weighing a good 7 pounds 12 ounces. He's the first Heller boy to be born since me. Yes, Hellers will soon be overtaking the planet.

Jack is a great name. It's familiar, but still distinct. Andrew says he can be anything with that name, "a rock star, a doctor, or a pirate." Interesting career choices, Andrew. Here Jack is saying "woe is me!"

Big sister Lilah was very excited to finally see baby Jack. She then promptly advised me that she wanted to sleep at my house. And yes, she definitely gets confused and often calls me Daddy. The nurses made the same mistake.


Aunt Nilda and I are very excited! We're also excited because we signed the contract for our new apartment tonight, but that's for a different blog.

Here he is a day later. I think he looks like a baby.


It's amazing to me that Andrew now has a second child. I've always felt that we were living the same life and comparing notes, like his was an alternate reality of how my life could have turned out. Good luck with the second one, douchebag. You make a great dad.

Musical Statistics

You've seen these before, but they're definitely worth checking out again. I especially love the milkshake post, which, Dad, you will never understand. FULL CREDIT for this post goes to Matt. See what you can accomplish when you're not trolling the internet for gay porn??