Saturday Night Thoughts

• I'm back from Florida, and yes, I'm stealing this idea from Andrew.
• Florida was good, but I was working so much I didn't get a chance to do anything fun. Still, it's always nice to wake up where it's 22 degrees, and then go where it's 75 degrees.
• I had to drag down all our exhibits and supplies for the deposition, which made my innocent-looking suitcase incredibly heavy. I just barely avoided having to pay a fee.

• I bought an iced coffee at Dunkin Donuts on the way down. You can only get the gigantor size straws.


• We were in Boca Raton the whole time, which is incredibly boring. There's nothing but cars and flat strip malls, and you can't see any people. It reminded me a lot of Michigan, but warmer.
• My view from my ground floor room at the Holiday Inn Express was fantastic.

• We had dinner at Chili's one night. I hadn't been to a Chili's in years and was very excited to go. But it wasn't the same, more corporate and generic, like an Applebee's. I'm afraid I'm starting to dislike the chains. Or maybe I just wasn't drunk enough.
• I used to think traveling for work would be fun, but all I wanted to do was get home to Nilda.
• I missed watching Obama's speech and only learned about it from tv. Apparently, I don't like Bobby Jindal.
• This is too soon to talk about, but Nilda and I may possibly-hopefully-we'll see be working on buying an apartment. Until I'm allowed to talk more about it, just know that we're not allowed to spend any money.
• I can't wait to see what my new nephew will look like. I had a dream that he was a little salamander who kept jumping out of his carriage and I had to go chase him. I had to be careful catching him because I didn't want to rip his arm off or something. I woke up freaked out.
• I've been making ice cream again. Two weeks ago I made a vanilla bean ice cream with raisins soaked in Pedro Ximenez sherry wine, tonight I'm making chocolate mousse ice cream with toasted almonds. For just a few dollars more, I can make ice cream that's almost as good as the old Breyer's vanilla.
• I'm still upset Andy Reid traded Brian Dawkins. I know his age, but he was the leader of the team and the best player they had. The good thing about Dawkins is that no matter who he's playing for, he'll always be loved by Phila, like Reggie White and Ron Hextall. I've made up my mind, I'm keeping my jersey.

One Last Post

Here's a video of a Representative from Illinois chewing out the Bailout Czar. It almost makes me respect Republicans again. Thanks to Big Guy Heller for the link.

Away Message

I'm off for a few days to go out of town for a deposition. Nilda, as we discussed, you are not allowed to watch Top Chef without me. Unborn nephew, I'll be back this weekend and you may be born then. And so everyone knows, the weird guy I saw at the turned out to actually be a woman with an eating disorder. Who knew?

Oscar Picks

The trick is not to pick who you want to win, or who you think should win, but who will have the most support. You can't talk about who "the academy" will pick as a whole; you need to focus on who will the individual members support. For example, Crash didn't win best picture because it was the best movie, but because it had the largest support pool (large cast and crew). Lesson: individual academy members vote out of self interest. Here's who will win this year, based upon the inside knowledge of The Most Important Blog In The Universe:

• Best Actor: Sean Penn, because Mickey Rourke has already had his moment in the sun and Penn has always been the snob actor's choice.
• Best Actress: Kate Winslet, because she gets naked in movies.
• Supporting Actor: Heath Ledger, because he probably won't have another chance (ouch!).
• Supporting Actress, Penelope Cruz, because she was really good and didn't win for Volver. I was torn between Cruz and Taraji P. Henson, because Henson is the only minority actress nominated and white guilt is a powerful tool.
• Best Director: Danny Boyle, because it's uncool to not be in love with everything Slumdog Millionaire, which I have never seen.
• Best Movie: Slumdog Millionaire. Duh.

Tips For A Deposition

• Bang the table.
• Slam your papers down.
• Accuse the other lawyer of coaching.
• Call him a bully and tell him you won't be pushed around (I use "him," not "her," because women are far more reasonable and many of these tips will not apply with a female lawyer).
• Tell him you know his type, that his tactic is to yell until the other lawyers gets intimidated and backs down, but that you know won't be intimidated so he should just back off.
• Cut him off so that the reporter can't write down what he's saying.
• Tell him you have a right to object and protect your client's rights and won't let him take that right away from your client. Really wave the flag.
• Remind him about the rules against speaking objections. Offer to send him a copy of the rules.
• Walk out and say, "Let's take a break."
• Be really sarcastic. Be really really polite two minutes later.
• Interrupt his objection so the reporter can't write it down.
• Threaten to call the court repeatedly, all the while knowing you'll never, ever call the court.
• Call his bluff and say, "Yes, let's call the court!"
• Be really nice to the witness right after you scream at the lawyer. Make sure he/she knows your not mad at him/her.

Marble Hill

It's time for interesting facts that no one cares about! Marble Hill is a small hill across the river at the northern tip of Manhattan. While it is technically located in the Bronx, it is legally considered part of Manhattan, also known as New York County.

Marble Hill is naturally part of Manhattan. The river ran up around the hill when the Dutch settlers first arrived in the early 1600s. (FYI: the exchange where European settlers purchased Manhattan from the Indians for $24 took place around there, in Inwood). In the 1890s, the Army Corps of Engineers built a canal for shipping routes, known as the Harlem River Ship Channel, which essentially rendered Marble Hill an Island. In 1897, the Greater New York Charter designated the island of Marble Hill as part of the borough of Manhattan. Even when the Bronx was established on January 1, 1914, Marble Hill remained part of Manhattan.

Later in 1914, the old river running north of the island was filled in, connecting Marble Hill to the rest of the Bronx. Despite many efforts by the Bronx to take over Marble Hill, the residents have maintained their connection to Manhattan. It was even referred to as the Bronx's "Sudetenland," a clever reference if you know about Hitler taking over Czechoslovakia's Sudetenland in 1939. In 1984, the issue was ended once and for all when New York State Legislature passed legislation declaring the neighborhood part of Manhattan.

I look forward to your comments expressing how "boring" this post is. Shut up, Matt!

Stupid Piece Of Shit

God damn, the Onion is brilliant...

lazypieceofshit

I can't believe I haven't posted for so long. It's been pretty crazy. I promise to get back to it and give the world the quality and leadership that the public has come to expect from The Most Important Blog In The World.

Arizona Should Have Won?

Thanks to Irene for sending the blog post this is from.

Curse you, Steve Martin!

It's been three days, and I can't get that banjo song he did on SNL out of my head. Normally, when I can't get a song out of my head, it means I like it. Not this time. It gets even worse every time my mind forces me to relive that terrible, terrible experience. I think its post-traumatic.

The music itself isn't bad, but those words are horrible! I understand and can even appreciate that he went for a strong visual narrative, but the execution was childish. He's got images of riding a kite to school, a neighbor yelling "tally ho!," fishing with dad and terrible rhymes like "Teacher says, that's not cool." for They have been eating away at me since Saturday night. He even uses the phrase "Monday morn," can you believe it?! It's Steve Martin's "Oh, grandpa!" moment.

One reference has him hitting his grandmother hit in the face with a pie before 8:00 am on a Saturday morning. How does this make any sense? What the hell was a pie doing lying around? It's just a cheap comical device from a guy who thought he could do no wrong. I might also add that the character is neither repentant nor reprimanded for striking his grandmother. What kind of message does that send, Steve Martin?

The worst part is that the character genuinely wants to get to school on time. Who can relate to that? That's not a fun song for a kid, but a transparent gimmick to trick kids into liking school. Hey, Steve Martin, leave them kids alone!

A NYTimes article described the dress rehearsal of the song like this:

"On the main stage of NBC's Studio 8H in Manhattan, wielding a Gibson Florentine from the 1920s and accompanied by a quintet of bluegrass musicians, Mr. Martin was plucking, strumming and, yes, singing his way through an original song called “Late for School,” about a young delinquent racing to beat the tardy bell. The hoedown brought the room to a halt, and when it was over even the surliest stagehands couldn’t help but stand and applaud."

What?!?! Were they hearing the same song the rest of the country was forced to endure?? How much did Steve Martin have to pay to get this written? Or is he simply so "revered" that he can't get a bad review. It's not like he was a Beatle, or something. Shenanigans!

The only good part is that I've been listening to a lot of bluegrass on last.fm. That shit is good.

NFL Players Doing Amazing Shit

What's Happened To You, Steve Martin?

Steve Martin is not and has never been a "comedic genius." Yeah, The Jerk and even All of Me was good, but never ground breaking. Now he's sunk to a new low. And I'm not even talking about The Pink Panther 2. If anyone missed the banjo song he played on SNL this weekend, you were lucky. It was like watching a terrible car accident in slow motion. I kept waiting for it to get funny, then realized it was only getting worse. I have no problem with him writing kids songs, but why would you play one of those on SNL, which is clearly not a kid audience? It shows just how out of touch he is with his audience. Let's spread the misery:



The thing is, Steve Martin is a really, really good banjo player. You have to look at some of his early, live material to get a sense of how good he was and, by comparison, how bad what he did on SNL was:

Late for school, Mr. Martin. Late for school, indeed.