The Most Important People Of The 2000s

No one seems to know what to call the 2000s. I heard the "naughts" or the "aughts" and those are terrible choices. The natural term seems to be "the 2000s" so that's what we're going with, people. The Most Important Blog In The Universe has spoken. And while we're at it, we're calling the next decade "the teens." And I swear to God, Irene, I'd better not get any posts about how this isn't really the start of the next decade since it won't "officially" be the teens until 2011 because no one cares except you. It's and Its are still fair game.

Anyway, here's a non-exhaustive list of the most important people of the last decade, in no particular order:

• George W. Bush: Unfortunately, he shaped the decade and the world. I still wonder what it would have been like if Gore had won.
• Osama Bin Laden: It's who was important, not who was good.
• Obama: The choice of a new generation. He's the brightest and most positive thing to come out the 2000s. Of course he deserved the Nobel.
• Jon Stewart: He was the only real social commentator that mattered, reminding everyone what the news media is supposed to be. Stephen Colbert runs a close second.
• Bill O'Reilly: He energized a segment of the right that has now become a mainstream political force, at a time when Rush Limbaugh was forgotten in a cloud of prescription medications. There would be no Sarah Palin or Glen Beck without him.
• Alan Greenspan: He got us into this mess, but at least has the decency to admit it.
• Justin Timberlake: Yes, this one is embarrassing to admit, but he went from boy band fluff to respected musician. The music industry is better because of him.
• The Guy Behind TMZ: Whoever invented this not only made people look at bloggers as a respected news source, but, unfortunately, made news sources act more like bloggers.
• Tina Fey: She brought political satire back to SNL and became the nonthreatening voice of the urban liberals.
• Michael Moore: He reinvented the documentary and, for better or worse, became the symbol of the angry left.
• Judd Apatow: Sensitive dorks are back. And they brought weed.
• Steve Jobs: This was the decade of the ipod and the iphone, neither of which would exist if it weren't for Jobs. He may be an ass, but he pushes the boundaries of technology all by himself.
• Simon Cowell: No one escapes American Idol.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!

All Apologies

Blogging is hard, people. You have to make time to think of something to say, then actually take the time to write it. It's not as easy as it sounds. I see that I had a burst of interest on Monday. That's not surprising, in retrospect, since everyone has been trying to kill time at their desks all week. I'm not looking forward to getting back into the swing of a rough work week. Anyway, I'm back. For now.

Random Boring Shit

• Hanukkah is not a religious holiday. It celebrates a revolt by a bunch of fanatics who turned out to be totalitarian zealots that ultimately could not hold onto power. Read David Brooks' column.
• Irene has me terrified about my "its" and "it's." "Its" really annoying.
• I read about a professor in Tel Aviv who is writing that the early Jews were not monotheistic. Moses said that there shall be no other gods before God, not that the other gods didn't exist. Now you know. You're welcome.
• I never would have thought that people would be so interested in Tiger Woods' affair. It seems that people projected so much of what they believed in hard work and talent on him that they feel let down. He was an icon, kind of like Bruce Springsteen, who turned out to be more human than anyone wanted him to be.
• I liked Obama on 60 Minutes. I trust that whatever he's doing, mistakes included, is exactly what I would be doing, and I like that. I'm still in the cult.
• Nilda and I are watching Dwarf Adoption. I have no idea why.
• Electric Box is a terribly addicting, but amazing iphone game. Curse you, Cousin Bill!
• Finally, I won the football pool. This, of course, is because I am AWESOME.
• Go Iggles.

That's A Dealbreaker

Goodbye, alarm clock. We've had some good times together. I got you at K-Mart in 2001, back when your cd player was actually an attractive feature. We've gone from the East Village, to Murray Hill, to Washington Heights, to Inwood. But now you're snooze bar isn't working, and how can anyone expect to function without a snooze bar. I'm sure you understand. I'll miss you.

How To Set Up A Christmas Tree

I always said I'd never have a tree, but here we go. First, you have to go out in the rain/sleet/snow on Saturday and pick out a tree before frostbite sets in. There are about 100 trees, but you're only allowed to choose between the two that the guy selects for you. And don't mess with that guy because he's been in the cold for a lot longer than you with only a port-a-potty to keep him company and he will cut you. Then he sticks the tree into one of those funnels they use to kill chickens and you're stuck with it.

After you walked home in the rain/sleet/snow and had to take several breaks because Nilda talks about how heavy the tree is and switches ends and then changes her mind until you decide to just pick the damn thing up yourself and carry it the rest of the way home which you should have probably done in the first place, you're ready to begin step 2. Set up the tree in five minutes and then spend the next 20 washing the sap off your hands and dustbusting up the fallen needles. Get used to dustbusting, it's part of the fun.

Step 3, pull out all of the ornaments that you had meticulously arranged in a box last January and start putting them up. You will say that you don't want to do this, but will inevitably be conscripted into helping. Nilda will start to lose steam after putting the lights up so you have to help to keep the momentum going. Make sure the Eagles ornaments get a prominent location. Garland = pain in the ass. Here it is, in all it's goyisha glory, with the shot that Nilda insisted upon to show perspective.

Last, but not least, you have to put all the empty boxes that the ornaments came in into a larger box. This is Brian Work as Nilda needs help with the spatial orientation. I blame a severe Tetris deficiency that Nilda suffered growing up. That's why The Most Important Blog In The Universe supports the Gameboy For Every Child Initiative.

Once the tree was up, we attended our new building's annual holiday party. Nilda made coquito for the first time (it was amazing!) and it was a huge hit. It's the undisputed principle of Christmas: white people love coquito. We also took this opportunity to play the "you show me yours, I'll show you mine" game of showing off our apartment. Hands down, Nilda has the best kitchen and bathroom in the building. I just live here.

The building likes to sing songs while musicians in the building play along. I swore I wouldn't sing, but before I knew it I was singing about how Our Lord Has Come and Our Savior Is Born. I move to New York, the Jewish capital of the world, only to sing Christmas carols with a tree in my home. Go figure. But we sang the dreidel song TWICE, so that apparently makes it even.

The best part about the process was that I finally got Nilda to go to Applebee's where I learned why and how America is obese. I also heard my new favorite song for the first time. THAT'S NOT MY NAME!

The New Gin

For my birthday, Stella got me a bottle of a boutique gin, just like I wanted. She got me a gin called "Geneviere" that is an old-style "genever" gin, as opposed to the london dry gin that we’re all used to. Instead of being a vodka flavored with juniper berries, it’s essentially a whiskey flavored with juniper berries. And it’s horrible. It’s like medicine with a bouquet of vomit. Who wants to try it?