It's A Boy

We went for an elective 3D ultrasound yesterday and we got the great news that we're having a boy! That means there will be another Heller saying inappropriate things he'll regret later on and who will have to defend himself on the subway for bumping into people who are too incompetent to move into the car.

Here's the traditional 2D picture. You're looking at the kid's butt, the u-shape is the two legs. If you look closely right in the middle of the u, you can see an itty bitty tiny little pee pee sticking out there. Just like dad! Nilda asked, "Are those balls?"

I can't say we're surprised. A few weeks ago, Nilda took a home test called the Intelligender that purportedly shows if you're have a boy or girl based on urine. Ours came up ridiculously boy, and Nilda's been preparing for a boy every since. I think it's safe to say she might even be excited about it, though she's weirded out by the fact that there's a penis inside of her. Growing up, it was always Nilda and her mom with her dad, so this will be the first time she's outnumbered by boys. Thank God for that.

The discussion about names has gone into overdrive. "Chloe Sofia Heller," the most adorable name I can think of, is out. Harley pointed out that if the kid's name was Brian, Jr., everyone would call him "B.J." Within 8 hours of finding out the gender, Nilda had figured out the baby's room, from the wallpaper on the accent wall to the furniture.

We also got a 3D picture of the kid. He was hiding his face behind the placenta, so you can't get a look at his face, but at least he was showing us the money shot of his package, so we can't be too upset.

We've been wanting this for a while, but I'm still weirded out. I'm not weirded out that it's a boy, I'm weirded out that it's a kid, and that I'm responsible for it. It just seems like there should be an adult present.

P.S. - Nilda's very pregnant friend went to the Yankees game this weekend and had an O'Doul's with the label off, so that people wouldn't know it was non-alcoholic, saying, "I want people to judge me." Nilda, we are so doing that.

Baby Baby Baby Baby Baby

Nilda is about 14 weeks pregnant and I can finally talk openly about it. It's weird to talk about it since it still seems so tenuous and temporary. Here's some of what's been going on.

• The kid's due date is December 17, so his/her Christmas is pretty much fucked.
• Following the Jewish tradition of naming after those who passed (at least the tradition in my family), we are going to be giving the kid a name that begins with "C," after Nilda's dad, Carlos.
• "C" is a surprisingly difficult letter for a name. It's easier with a girl, but boy names are tough. "Carlos" will make the kid an enigma at Hebrew school, and I'll let you guess why "Christian" doesn't work.
• Yes, we want to know if it's a boy or a girl. I don't understand how people could wait. If you have the ability to know, why would you want to wait until you have to find out? It will be just as much of a surprise now as it will when the kid is here!
• We're convinced it's a boy.
• Nilda has been feeling well. It took a while for her to even feel pregnant, then she started feeling some nausea and her most significant complaint has been headaches. Then there's the mood swings. We were sitting on the sofa and Nilda says, "Oh no, I'm getting sad" and starts bawling for no reason. I know sweetheart, it's a very moving episode of Deadliest Catch.
• We finally have a use for the second bedroom. Nilda saw a t-shirt online that said, "Baby Finally On Board." It was quite appropriate.
• We should still be able to go out for New Years Eve, right? I mean the kid will be two weeks old by then. Yeah, that should be enough time.
• Stella is ridiculously excited, as are my parents.
• My mother cannot keep a secret. We went in for Memorial Day and told my whole family about it at a barbecue. My Uncle Alan says to me, "You know, I already knew Nilda was pregnant. When your parents came over earlier this week, I asked how you guys were. She said, 'Nilda...is...EXCELLENT.'" Good secret keeping, Mom!
• We're excited for you, Baby C. You're gonna love it here. Just don't get poop on the sofa or else Mommy will kill you. Trust me.

My Super Quinceanera

Nilda and I went to her cousin's Quinceanera on Friday night. Since my only prior contact with Quinceaneras had been on My Super Sweet Sixteen, this was an experience. Nilda, as usual, looked absolutely stunning. Here she is in all her pregger glory:

The girl comes out in a ballgown, along with five guys and five girls her age that form the court. I knew to expect this, and the tiara being carried by one of the girls made sense, but I had no clue what the shoes being carried on a pillow were for. Nilda said its so that her father can switch her from flats to heels, because she's a "woman" now. Then she has to sit in a large fan while they force her to watch a video about her childhood. It was a lot like a bat mitzvah.

Then there's a whole choreographed routine by the court. Or as I called it, "Dancing Faux Hawks." They were all really, really good! Even the one who was visibly counting 1-2-3 doing the waltz. During my years on the bar mitvah circuit, guys dancing would be running around and hitting each other. But these kids were moving like they knew what they were doing. I was thoroughly impressed. With Nilda as the mom, there's actually a chance my kid could dance. Imagine that, a Heller that can dance.

The best thing I heard all night was a version of Coldplay's "Clocks" by the Buena Vista Social Club. It's amazing. Give it a shot.

Nilda introduced me to Tio Tivo, Tio Manolo, Tio Roberto and Tio Pititi. Tio Pititi's real name is Orlando, though no one knows how he came to be Pititi. Tio Pititi is the dancing man! This guy was up all night, dancing with every girl in the place! Nilda asked me to dance when the group dancing began, with everyone watching. I will not be the white guy dancing the white guy dance. Go dance with Tio Pititi.

I took Spanish all through high school, got a 4 on the AP Spanish test, and took top level classes taught in Spanish in college, and I still can't understand a thing these people say. I stood up when DJ said to, but no on else did, until he said it in Spanish. Way to stand out, blanco. I've decided I'm going to become Cuban. Like Hemmingway. I'll wear a guyavera on formal occasions.

By the end of the night, I had enough drinks that I could actually try to dance. It wasn't pretty, but by that time everyone else had had enough drinks to not notice. Mauricio, the Dad, and I hugged each other twice before I left, and we'd never met before. I couldn't leave without a picture with Tio Pititi. He's my new hero.

I Went To Another Phish Show

It's time again for Andrew & Brian's Biannual Phish Show. Trey seemed a little hesitant in the first half and was turning every song into Chalkdust, but Page and Mike were on fire and the second set was the best Phish show I've ever seen. It was great, though stopping at the Roy Rodgers on the turnpike on the way home was, surprisingly, not a good idea. We are way too old to go to the second night, though. It's a school night.

I finally get Twitter. I only joined to follow Team Coco ("Green tea is so much better when it's black coffee." "Does anyone know how to get chocolate milk out of an ipad?"). But now I follow a few Phish accounts so I'm up to day on what's happening on the tour by the minute, because Nilda needs to know. One thing I've learned is that some people take Phish way too seriously. But now I can't stop thinking in Phish parlance. "How'd your deposition go?" "The first set was a little choppy, but the second set was smoking."

National Geographic has these photos of these idiots rock climbing in Yosemite and they are freaking me the fuck out. Who wants to stand on an 18-inch ledge 1,800 feet in the air without a rope? Don't these people have parents?

You may have seen this before, but check out this video of moron Dan Osman speed climbing. He first climbs the rock slowly, mapping out a path, then does it again at super fast speed, without a rope or any safety harness. My favorite comment to the video is, "I'm surprised he's not slowed down by his giant balls." He died in 1998 at the age of 35, after a rope broke during a "controlled free fall," whatever the hell that is. At least we have the youtube video to show our kids what they are never allowed to do.

Speaking of kids, I got this onesie at the Phish show for the one Nilda and I are expecting. We we we so excited.

Thank You, Pernil

Oh my god. Food. Food amazing. So good. How has it been allowed that I was denied pernil for so many years of my life? Oregano + salt + pork shoulder = you're welcome. It's Puerto Rican corned beef, and it cannot be beat. And it comes with crispy skin, so it's even better. Even Mark Bittman knows that every good Jewish boy needs a pernil. I now have to start making a pernil at least once a month. Ah, the benefits of marrying a Hispanic.

Speaking of fantastic, check out this parallel parking job. A few weeks ago, Nilda told me that the key is to make an "s" with the car. I have no idea what that means, but I somehow figured out parallel parking as a result.

P.S. - We have 12 interns starting tomorrow. God help us all.

Montreal

Last week was our 4-year anniversary, so Nilda and I took a trip to Montreal for a long weekend. We chose Montreal because we wanted to take a trip in the car, our first long road trip. We had a great time, and here are the highlights:

• The key to getting along on a long car trip is an amicable distribution of music. Although we both agreed that the "new music" I got specifically for the trip pretty much sucked.
• In my head, I understand that Montreal is French Canada and that they speak French. I still got confused every time I heard "Bonjour." Yet, somehow, watching Family Guy in French made sense.
• We thought it was weird when the waiter at dinner our first night there asked us if we wanted one check or two. When it happened every time we ate, we realized that Canadians are just weird.
• We had a great dinner at Garde Manager, which I only know about because it's the restaurant from "Chuck's Day Off" on the Cooking Channel. I knew it was going to be good when it started off with a huge spicy bloody mary with a crab leg sticking out of it. For dessert, a deep fried Mars bar with ice cream. (Note: Canadians call Milky Way a Mars bar. I don't get it either.)
• There's something about hotel tv that makes shows better. I now understand the appeal of Cash Cab.
• Montreal is a hip city with a larger neighbor (Toronto), that has a lot of history and an "old" section. It reminded me a lot of Philadelphia.
• Montreal is freakin' cold! We thought, it's May, how bad could it be? The answer is COLD!
• McGill University is located in Montreal and actually has a really nice campus. I say "actually" because it's located in Montreal and is freaking COLD!
• The key to a great trip is naps. My parents are on the other side of the world right now on vacation in China and I don't have the stamina for their schedule. I can't keep up with my parents, and they're AARP members.
• Being in Canada gave me a sudden and unexplained desire to name all of the Canadian ice hockey teams I know. The Quebec Nordics moved to Denver in 1995 and became the Colorado Avalanche, winning the Stanley Cup in their first season. These are the facts Nilda needs to know.
• We usually go to Spanish-speaking countries where Nilda can communicate with everyone. It was nice to see Nilda be in a country where she was dependent solely on her memory of her high school French class. For the first time, I saw Nilda's efforts to speak the local language fade like MC Hammer's haircut. I know, sweetheart, I know.
• We put 732 miles on the car, door to door. We started with a full tank and filled the car twice, with most of the third tank left over. These are the facts my dad needs to know.

Happy anniversary, Nilda, I had a great time and I love you. Here's to many, many more anniversaries. But next time there better be a beach involved.

PS - On a side note, damn, I feel good about Osama Bin Laden being dead. Obama gave the order for the SEALs to kill Bin Laden, then toured the tornado damage and gave a speech at the White House Correspondent's Dinner. That is bad ass.

Live Blogging The Vampire Diaries

It's 8:00 pm on Thursday, which means I'm not allowed to watch tv. Didn't I once have a blog or something? It was good during the apartment renovations, but it's really gone downhill since then...

• Matt & Mary came in for the weekend and the whole law school crowd got back together again. We played a fierce game of Monopoly where Nilda had to tell me to be nice and we had a big discussion over whether shaker furniture should be considered "art." It was just like old times. It's amazing how formative two years of living together in a mouse-infested shithole in the projects can be.
  
• Francesca is turning 8. How is that possible?? I remember rushing home on NJTransit to see her and how excited I was that we had a baby in the family. Now there are so many babies you have to watch where you walk and I'm going to a rolling skating party on Sunday.
• I like spring and, yes, I admit it, I like flowers. Take that, people at work making fun of me for going to the NY Botanical Gardens. The Japanese have a word ("Ohanami") for enjoying cherry blossoms. Flowers are aggressive extensions of the fight for survival that create colors and images seen no where else in nature. Plus, they're generally accompanied by warmer weather and the blooming of the boobies.
• I'm ok with not being a finalist for the cover of Madden 2012. Vick had a good year and he deserves it.
• I just read another book on Al Qaeda and it was awesome. I'll spare you the blog on it, but here's one: There was a suicide plot to bomb commercial airplanes in the mid-2000s where the bombers planned to bring highly concentrated hydrogen peroxide (the explosive device of choice) on a plane in soda bottles, then make a bomb using disposable cameras as a trigger and detonate it mid-flight. That's why you can't bring liquids onto planes.
• This may be old to a lot of you, but one of the funniest things I've seen on the internet in a while was Brian Williams on Morning Joe back in December. During a discussion of the biggest news stories of 2010, Williams' points to the NY Time's "discovery" of Brooklyn. Check it out.

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• Andrew made fun of me in the car ride home from the second seder, telling me that my playlist had "all the hits of 1998." That pissed me off, mostly because he's right. I came up with a playlist long ago and have basically just been adding to it ever since. Good songs don't become bad just because time passes. Give "My Humps" the respect it's due.
• I an now making a concerted effort to listen to new music. Here's what I'm going to try to listen to: Megafaun, "Heretofore;" LCD, "This Is Happening;" and Tame Impala, "InnerSpeaker." You can practically see the beards and plaid shirts in the names.
• I'm looking forward to getting bored and going back to listening exclusively to Phish. I just downloaded a '99 show. I know, I'm expanding.
• Speaking of new music, someone please get this song out of my head (Andrew, check out how he uses the delay):

The Honey Badger

Andrew's narrating a National Geographic video! We're all very proud.

Glasses

I don't trust my eye doctor. Ever since I had the Lasik done in 2006, I knew my prescription wasn't as strong as it should be and it's been a constant reason for my bitching. Ask Nilda. In November, he tells me that my vision is fine, only -.25 and-.50, and I know he's full of shit. I go to the expert 24-year-old eye doctor at the exclusive Cohen's Fashion Optical who tells me that I am -1.0 in both eyes. Finally, someone who understands.

I have the glasses and now I'm afraid I won't be able to stop wearing them. I didn't realize how bad my eyes were, or how much I was missing. I never felt like the tv we bought in 2008 was as crystal clear as it should be. Now, I think it's amazing. Blu-ray means something. But God do I still hate the fucking glasses. At least I don't need to wear them all the time.

Buying glasses again was a throw back. I couldn't believe how many brands of eyeglasses they had. Even Randy Jackson of American Idol has a line, which is ridiculous. I picked out a frame that says "Zyloware" on the left temple and I'm good to go. Only when I pick them up the next day do I look at the right temple, which says, "Randy Jackson." I now bear the shame of having Randy Jackson glasses.

WHAT UP, DAWG??

Twin Conversation

I have not been able to escape the youtube video of the two twin 17-month-old boys having a "conversation." If you have been so lucky, your time is up.

Being someone who has had those exact conversations, I can tell you that this is probably what they are saying to each other:

• “Idiot.”
• "Loser.”
• “God, I hate you.”
• “You are a disgrace to the entire family.”
• “I sharted in the womb and you came out.”
• “Your very existence makes Mom cry.”
• “Dad pretends that you’re me, so that he can forget you exist.”
• “I saw your little wee-wee in the womb and we are DEFINITELY not identical. No wonder you feel such same.”
• “Stop staring at my wee-wee, fag.”
• “Looking like you is like looking in a mirror that’s facing my ass hole.”
• “The family took a vote and decided that you should be left outside to die.”
• “You know what, it doesn’t matter what you say, because you were adopted. There, I said it.”
• “I’m going to stab you with a sippy cup.”
• “I can’t believe I shared a womb with you. I just threw up in my mouth a little.”
• “Do you want to go pee on the carpet?”
• “Totally.”
  

The Drunkard's Progress

This is an illustration from 1846 in support of the temperance movement. As you can see, it accurately portrays the stages of drinking:

Step 1. A glass with a Friend.

Step 2. A glass to keep the cold out.

Step 3. A glass too much.

Step 4. Drunk and riotous.

Step 5. The summit attained. Jolly companions. A confirmed drunkard.

Step 6. Poverty and disease.

Step 7. Forsaken by Friends.

Step 8. Desperation and crime.

Step 9. Death by suicide.

I figure I'm approaching Step 4, but I'm working my way up. I'll get there someday.

Friday

It's 11:55 pm on Thursday, I'm working to finish this brief that's due tomorrow, and I can't stop looking at this awful, awful video. Pleae help me. I can't stand everything about it. From the horrible, horrible words, to the horrible, horrible way she says "Friday," to the terrible production that her dad must have financed. Why is this so mesmerizing?? Be careful not to look too deep, you may not be able to turn away.

One Month, Two Trials, Two Verdicts

We won a plaintiff's verdict on the pregnancy discrimination case earlier in February. Then, on the day that Nilda and I got married at City Hall, I took a call from work about a particular case. Nilda's still pissed at me for that. Last Friday, a jury came down with a verdict on that same case and we won on all counts. We represented three former employees who were sued by their former employer after starting their own business, and we won a defense verdict on all counts. We even won our crappy counterclaims. Almost four years to the day the lawsuit started, and the plaintiff owes the defendants money. Booyah. Here's what I've learned:

• Potential jurors hate lawyers. You have to go out of your way to appear like a normal person.
• Saying "objection" is as fun as it looks.
• You can tell you're conducting a successful cross examination when the jury turns their head from you to the witness, like it's a tennis match. Zing!
• It's fun when the judge tells you to approach during your adversary's questioning. It means he or she is in trouble.
• Talk to the jury after the trial to find out what worked and what didn't.
• You must must must have your witnesses look at the jury when they're testifying. It's awkward for the witness, but it's essential. The witnesses for the plaintiff never looked at the jury, and it's the first thing the jury brought up after the trial.
• One juror said that I was aggressive during questioning and kept hitting the same point over and over again. Sounds like I did exactly what I wanted to do. I'm a dick.
• When you're speaking too fast, trying talking like Barack Obama to slow yourself down. It makes...you...have...to slow down...your pacing.
• Summations are surprisingly fun. It's like having a conversation where you're the only person who gets to talk, and who doesn't want that?
• Waiting for a verdict is terrible and painful. There's no greater anxiety in the law.
• I once heard a lawyer say that trials are fun, which made no sense to me at the time. You work as hard as you can to avoid them, but when you get into court, you're ready to go and that's why you do it. He's got a point. I'll take a trial over an annoying motion for summary judgment any day. Of course, that's easy to say after two straight verdicts.

On another note, here's The Strokes playing their new single on SNL and it's awesome. I keep listening to it over and over again. I might actually pay for this album when it comes out. It's that good. I can't believe it's been 10 years since "Is This It" came out.

On Trial

Has it really been that long since I posted? This is embarrassing. Embarrassing, Nilda! Seriously, you should be ashamed.

I started a trial on February 5, which ended on February 14. Plaintiff's verdict, thank you very much. Then I had an oral argument before the First Department (appellate court) on February 17, and started another trial on February 22, which should go into next week. I need a nap.

The first trial was a pregnancy discrimination case, where we represented the woman who got fired three weeks after she told the company she was pregnant. In the current trial, we represent three former employees who are being sued by their former employer for starting an allegedly competing business. Here are a few of the things I have learned:

• People are conservative at heart. They are inherently programmed to disbelieve and are skeptical of whoever is looking for money.
• I treat opening and closing statements like a Heller Theory show: When you feel like you're losing the audience, speed up. Yes, I am working on talking slower. No, I don't like it.
• Surprisingly, trials are much easier than the rest of litigation. If there wasn't so much at stake, I'd rather go straight to trial than deal with a God awful summary judgment motion.
• Once you get to trial, most of the things you spent the previous years doing, like document production and depositions, are pretty meaningless. You can only do so much with a deposition transcript and exhibits are boring and break up the flow.
• It's better to be the plaintiff, where you're fighting for right and wrong, but it's easier to be the defendant. You get to go second and you don't have any burden.
• Picking a jury is fun. You get to pry into people's lives and they have to answer you.
• Not surprisingly, lawyers who work at large law firms are inherently defendant-friendly. What is surprising is that for all their volunteer work and pro bono work, they still disbelieve all plaintiffs.
• Juries like it when you say hello and thank you.
• When you're working every night and all weekend and you can't get everything done, blogging has to wait. Sorry, world.

P.S. - Nilda and I went to Red Lobster for dinner on Sunday night (at the rocking hour of 5:00) and it was everything I hoped it would be. Why yes, I would like to add on an additional order of crab legs for $4.50.

Best Reply Letter Ever Written

Can You Explain Internet?

Ah, the 90s. The forgotten decade. How misunderstood you remain. You remain a jumble of Generation X, Ben Stiller, Structure, Lisa Loeb, Friends, loud print clothing, three-disc CD players, boring economic booms, VCR rentals, a band called Live and, of course, the arrival of the internets. I remember my roommate and I going to the computer lab late at night on a Tuesday after wondering what would happen if we typed in "playboy.com." The wonders that awaited us. Here are three very white people trying to figure out what the internet is. Thanks for the link, Mom!!

Fuck You, Snow

Another snow storm, and I still have to go to work. I create the illusion that the snow slows me down, but the truth is that my sidewalks are always plowed and my underground subway line runs like any other day - except that there are less people, which means that the subway is actually better than normal during a snow storm.

The best purchase of the season has been putting the car in a garage. Every time I hear even a faint whisper of the possibility of snow, I am grateful that the enclosed garage will save me from having to dig the car out of the snow or force me to find parking among the snow dunes. Still, the garage is at best a close second to best purchase of the year. That honor remains with the touch sensor for the lamp, because it's just too much work for us to reach up and turn off the light.

P.S. - Check out this blog of kids posing with animals they killed while hunting. I've never had a problem with hunting before, but seeing a 12-year-old with a big grin proudly holding a freshly-killed deer by the antlers is freaky.

Back To Vermont

Last weekend was our ski trip to Vermont and it was great. We drove up on Saturday morning and went to Stratton Mountain.

Since I'm such an expert skier after my one trip last month, I left Nilda with the other 4-year-olds in the learn to ski group and went higher up the mountain. Check out GI Joe Nilda - Ski Patrol.

After a while, I started getting the hang of it. Other than one "How the fuck can they call this a green??" moment, I did just fine. Did you know they have beer on top of these mountains? How awesome is that?

We asked one guy to use my phone to take a picture of us together on the mountain. As you can tell, he did a great job.

I liked skiing so much that I went again on Sunday. Nilda had had enough after about 2 hours on Saturday. Instead, she had to suffer through a facial at the spa at Mt. Snow.

We went to the bed & breakfast and relaxed by the fireplace. It was a gas fireplace, though, which really makes it a big candle. Only wood can make a real fire.

This hallway was freaky. Every time I turned a corner on my big wheel, I was terrified I'd see those two twin girls again.

We especially liked the wallpaper, though. The snozzberries tasted like snozzberries!

I told Nilda that I want to open a ski slope that's all expert black diamond that dares people to ski, and posts videos of injuries. We'll call it Mount Doom. Nilda says, "What are you opening? A resort with no insurance?"

I'm still surprised how much I liked skiing. I'm looking forward to going again this season. Then I, like Uncle Traveling Matt from Fraggle Rock, may carry the honor of the white leg.

Wearing Ladies Slippers

The week before Christmas, Matt and I went to Lord & Taylor to buy Ugg slippers, me for Nilda and him for his sister. I asked the sales lady if they had Uggs for men, to which Matt replied, with clear disdain, "What?!?! No way." Two weeks later, Matt has a pair of Ugg slippers all his own. Two weeks after that, I now have my own.

These things are amazing. I've never worn slippers before, but now I don't want to take them off. It keeps my toes warm and even though my ankles get cold I don't mind. I don't know physics so I can't truly understand it. All day, I look forward to coming home so I can put my slippers on. What the hell has happened to me? As Matt says, "It's like my feet are having sex. It's not the straightest thing I've ever said, but it feels good so I'm going with it."

A Pox On My House

Nilda still has the chickenpox and oh my god is she not happy about it. It started out on Sunday with a few little bumps here and there. By Monday, she was covered in red blisters that varied from atom nucleus-size to old faithful geyser. I have learned that it is possible, in fact, to part Nilda’s hair to put calamine lotion on her scalp.

Nilda’s been in a lot of pain and it has sucked for her. She freaked out at me last night because, as Nilda put it, “I HAVE CHICKENPOX!!!” You just can’t argue with logic like that. But really, I’ve had a hangnail all afternoon that really, really hurt, but you don’t hear me whining about it.

Today seems to have been better and that’s a good sign. Maybe the anti-viral medicines they gave her are finally working. Nilda even went outside with me on an ice cream run tonight, which she normally is more than happy to let me do by myself. She even got to see some people during her expedition outside.

At least Nilda can look forward to a weekend away in Vermont in two weeks. We’re staying at a small bed & breakfast with a fireplace in the room that’s near Stratton, so we can go skiing. Nilda’s looking forward to skiing, which combines her two favorite activities: cold, wet snow and a new physical activity that’s she not comfortable with. It’s going to be great. We’re both looking forward to ending the day sitting in front of a fire and drinking. Heavily. Just thinking about it makes me sentimental.



P.S. – I read an article about Bunny Wailer of Bob Marley & The Wailers and I’ve been going through a reggae music phase since then. I’ve decided to write a reggae song. I don’t have the melody yet, but it's titled, “I Should Call The Credit Card Company About This Suspicious Charge."

Driving Into Suburbia

We went to Stew Leonards on Saturday and it was everything I hoped it would be. We had stopped in there before, but this was the first time we had made a special trip just to Stew Leonards. I bought all kinds of shit and I look forward to eating at least two-thirds of it.

After Stew Leonards, Nilda suggested we drive up Broadway and see what’s there. See, Nilda? We’re using the car for activities! Living this far up, the prospect of venturing into the unknown north was daunting, yet we forged ahead anyway. The problem was that we ended up in Yonkers.

While we were lost in Yonkers (get it? neither did Nilda), we (1) made a return at DSW, (2) ate at a Pizzeria Uno’s and (3) saw a movie, all without leaving the same strip mall. We saw The Fighter and loved it. It was date night in suburbia. The best part was that we could drive home and didn’t have to take the subway. I realized that one of the reasons we don’t see many movies any more is because of the horrible 45 minute subway ride afterwards, which is awkwardly depressing.

We went to a car wash on the way back, which I had never done before. For just $6, the car went from the dry dog shit gray color it was because of the dirt and salt, back to black. It’s not like I can wash the car myself, since I don’t even have a hose, and I didn’t even have to get out of the car. I love paying people to do things for me.

We also took down the Christmas tree, which is way more difficult than it sounds. They don’t teach Christmas tree removal in Hebrew school. The thing dries no matter how much water you give it, so that the arms twist like they’re desperately trying to hold on to the ornaments and the needles look to jump ship like they’re on the titanic. By the time we got it out of the apartment, it looked like a Christmas tree Holocaust.

Things took a turn for the worse when Nilda woke (me) up at 4:00 in the morning to discover that she now has the chickenpox, which she’s never had before. Nilda blames me for this, since I had shingles two weeks ago. I say how can anyone over the age of 10 never have had the chickenpox? I'm going to have to talk to Stella about this. I am sorry I gave you chicken pox, sweetheart. Feel better!!

Making things even worse, the Eagles lost in the playoffs to the Green Bay Packers. I watched with my neighbor Mike, who is a Packer fan. This sounds like a bad idea, but he was convinced that the Packers would lose because all the commentators were picking them to win. Things were going fine until Michael Vick threw a stupid interception to seal the win for the Packers. He started screaming and I had to tell him to calm down. Really, there’s no need for the violence. Nilda is really upset, because you know how much she loves the Eagles. Stupid David Akers.

Happy New Year

I always love the week between Christmas and New Year. Things are usually quiet at work and everyone's happy that Christmas is finally over. Add in a snow day to an already short work week and things were down right festive. And, really, you have to enjoy this week because starting January 2, it's cold and dark and you can only hope that you survive until March, and when March finally comes its still cold and life sucks. So, Happy New Year!

Andrew and I saw Phish at MSG on Thursday night and it was awesome. Did you know that they sell beer at madison square garden? I apparently didn't, because I was drinking it like there was never going to be beer anywhere else. Ever. So yes, Friday morning was great.

New Year's was Mark Joseph's and going back to Brooklyn, which is always a great time. Instead of ordering the steak blue, as we usually do, we got it rare. Or, as my mom describes it, "disgustingly raw" and "how can you eat that?"

We played Dance Central on the kinect, which is like Guitar Hero with dancing. This game had to be made, because everyone wants to see white guys in their 30s jumping around like assholes.

Happy new year. I have neither resolutions nor goals for 2011. Don't you tell me to go to the gym, Nilda!

P.S. - I heard the audio of Tony Romo taking the hit where his collar bone was broken, taking him out for the season. The trainers ran out to him and the first thing Romo said was, "Did he catch the pass?" They said, "Yes, it's a first down." I have a whole new respect for Tony Romo.

Nicole Responds To The Snow Day

Dear Lord baby Jesus, lyin' there in your ghost manger, just lookin' at your Baby Einstein developmental videos, learnin' 'bout shapes and colors. I would like to thank you for bringin' me this ridiculous storm that has at the very least delayed my work day. You're the best baby J.

Skiing

Gary had his bachelor party this weekend and used it as an excuse to drag us all up to northern Vermont for the weekend. To make it even worse, we had to go skiing, too. It was a five hour drive and it wasn't so bad. You can see the change from boring to snow.

We finally get close and can see the mountain. It's like walking up to Mordor. We get beers and food with Gary and there's no way out. I've got 18 layers on, I can't move my elbows, and now I get to prove my athletic prowess by getting heckled by 8-year-old snowboarders.

Skiing was actually fun. Other than falling on the kiddie lift, falling getting both on and off the ski lift, and skidding off the track, I did pretty well. I finally get the skiing lifestyle. You hang out on the mountain all day, then hang out in front of a fire at a lodge drinking beer. There's nothing wrong with that.

We stopped on the drive home the next day to watch the Eagles game. It went from bad, to terrible, to amazing. The best kind of football game. There's one bar in mid-Vermont that now really hates the Eagles, or at least Eagles fans. We're kicking it old school.

Shutting Up Mary

Because the world needs to know, and because I'm easily bullied by Mary's two comments, here are pictures of Jeremy and Irene's awesome wedding:

That's right. I showed you pictures of semi-eaten fish tacos. Fish tacos in the Keys are amazing. Instead of the sauteed whitefish like in California, the Keys use deep fried chunks of fish and lobster, which is obviously way better.

Happy Brian

I would like to thank the kid whose streaming the Eagles-Texans game on justin.tv. You are my friend. Mary will be mad at you because now I will not be posting pictures tonight. I will buy you beer. Btw, I took this picture with my new droid. It's not cool how much I like this phone.

I Have A Blog?!?!?

I'm a bad blogger. I tell myself every day, a lot has been happening that the world needs to know about. I'm not upholding my commitment to the world. The world needs me to post. Here are things that I may or may not write blogs about:

• Jeremy & Irene FINALLY got married. In the Florida Keys. And it was awesome. The best part of the entire weekend, by far, was Irene singing Tina and Aretha at the reception. She was amazing. As the wedding singer put it, "She's going to Hollywoooooood!!!!"
• It was Thanksgiving, which you probably didn't know. I love how Thanksgiving has become food + shopping. How is that not everyone's favorite holiday?
• Nilda got me a watch for my birthday and I love it, even though it doesn't have a calculator on it. I haven't worn a watch since I broke my wrist twice in high school, and apparently I am capable of wearing one. Score one for Team Brian.
• I turned 35 and did NOT do well with it. I got heartburn the day before and thought, "Here we go, it's all downhill from here."
• I'm now ridiculously into Boardwalk Empire. My favorite parts are the references to World War 1, with all these soldiers coming home from a quiet war that no one has to talk about. It's the best representation of the Iraq and Afghanistan wars I've seen on television.
• Within five days, I went to an Eagles game, a Knicks game and a Rangers game. Here's what I learned: The Eagles game was the most fun, which is probably because I went with my sister Caryn, though football makes more sense on tv. Basketball is a boring sport and I was bored by halftime. I still love hockey and wish the Flyers were on tv in NY. Maybe I should buy the Time Warner hockey package once football is over. Nilda would love that. Here's a video on how they switch MSG from basketball to hockey in less than 24 hours.
• The biggest news of the last 20 minutes is that I got a new phone. I got the Droid X and, shockingly, I love it. I was convinced that I'd go through iphone withdrawal and mourn my apps (though I do miss my pinochle app), but I'm surprisingly happy with the Droid. The iphone has much better graphics and is far more intuitive, but the droid offers more control and is far more reliable and consistent than AT&T ever could ever be.
• This was not an easy purchase. I started out by just asking the guys at the Verizon store when the Verizon iphone will come out. They said they didn't know, but also said that the rumors about a January 2011 date are not possible, since Verizon is setting up a new network platform that won't be ready until April 2011. I couldn't imagine another six months with that terrible iphone.
• Oh, and I like that my phone can make actual phone calls.
• I got the phone thinking I'd switch as soon as the Verizon iphone came out, but now I'm not so sure. It's like when I moved in with Nilda at 498th Street in southern New Hampshire. I made it very clear that we'd move as soon as her lease was up in 6 months. But once all my stuff was there and I realized how much less my rent was, the place didn't seem so far away. I stayed 4 years.
• My parents got me an ipad for my birthday, and it's amazing. Apparently, turning 35 means you get good stuff this year. It's more than I thought it would be. At first, everyone criticized the ipad for being just a big ipod touch. What I didn't realize was that that's the best part.
• Andrew is still a huge disappointment to the family.

Twins

When I see twins, I think two things, in this order:

1. That's weird.
2. Which one is Andrew and which one is me?

The responses are, respectively, (1) yes and (2) I'm the cool one.

More Freakin' Politics

• People are making way to much of this election. The only lesson here is that Obama is still the Democratic MVP.
• The Republican victory is going to make things easier for Obama. He'll be able to respond to arguments, where he's better. Instead of trying to push through his own agenda, he'll be able to point out that the Republicans have no actual ideas other than to claim they don't like Obama's. Obama always looks better in comparison, and there's finally an orange man to compare him to. Obama is going to become much more popular over the next year. This election all but confirms an Obama victory in 2012.
• Sarah Palin keeps me up at night. Who out there really supports a candidate who has commercials for her reality show during Sister Wives? Nilda, why are you making me watch Sister Wives?? Don't you tell me you don't watch Sister Wives, it was on for an hour after I got home!
• The real lesson from this election is that bi-partisanship is impossible. Obama's crucial sin was compromising. It killed him with the left, who saw that Obama was not the progressive they thought, and it didn't stop the conservatives from labeling him as a liberal, which was always inevitable.
• But he really had no choice but to at least try to forge a coalition for health care reform and financial regulation. His mandate was to change Washington and create a new tone.
• Another lesson is the power of the media. The administration kept its head out of the cable news cycle and focused on legislation, but didn't realize that the rest of the country only saw the debate. As soon as there were talks of death panels, the content of the health care legislation was lost.
• Maureen Dowd had a pretty good column comparing this Republican victory to the 1994 victory.
• For some reason, I miss Bush. Is it bad that I want to read his crappy memoir? It seems like an easier read than Harry Potter, with less big words.
• Everything I write is true and you have to believe it. It's The Rules.

Gimme A Break

April was telling me the facts of a potential case. It sounded remarkably similar to an episode of Gimme A Break. April says, "What's that?" Putting aside how I remember the plot of an episode of Gimme A Break, how can you not remember Gimme A Break? The show Joey Lawrence was on before Blossom?



Generational lines are drawn with sitcoms. I was too young for Barney Miller, WKRP In Cincinnati, Benson and Alice. I was just in time for Silver Spoons, Family Ties, Perfect Strangers, Mr. Belvedere and Just The Ten Of Us. But I was too old for Family Matters, Sabrina The Teenage Witch and Sister Sister. I barely qualified for Full House. Here's Alf in Spanish.

So You Want To Be A Lawyer...

I Messed Up

Jeremy & Irene's wedding is on Saturday, November 20th. Nilda and I have airline tickets, unlike the bride and groom (snap!), which we purchased a while ago. We leave Florida on Sunday November 21th, taking off at 7:55 pm and landing at 10:50 pm.

That, unfortunately, is the exact time that the Eagles/Giants game is on that night. And the plane we're on does not have any televisions. We could have taken JetBlue, which has tv's, but I neglected to check the football schedule. Now, I'll have to dvr the game and wait until I get home at midnight to watch it. How could I let this happen? I have no one to blame but myself. And Nilda.

Another Stupid Post About Stupid Painting

As both of you may remember, we painted the foyer last July. Here's the before:


It's been 15 months, so that means it's time to paint again. I'm actually surprised I was able to hold off Nilda for this long. As soon as we were done painting the first time, Nilda was complaining that the color could be darker. Right away, I knew I was screwed.

Painting is just as bad as you remember it. 10 minutes into it, Nilda declared that this is the last time we will ever be painting the foyer. This may not be the last time the foyer will be painted, she clarified, but not by us. At least we had enough beer.

Luckily, we're still married. Let's just say I don't have the attention to detail that Nilda possesses. In fact, my attention to detail is quite different from last year. I used to be concerned that the trim was pristine and had a clean lines. Now, I don't give a fuck. If you see spots that can be touched up, stop looking at them. Go away. Don't even look at the wall.

I now appreciate Coldplay's Viva La Vida. I never really liked it before, but then I heard Weezer's version.

Vegas

• Vegas is friggin' big. Much bigger than I imagined. The Venetian, where we stayed, has 7,000 rooms in three towers. The Wynn, right next door, has two gigantic towers that are even bigger. And both of those are next to the Mirage and Caesar's and a ton more that are huge. There's one gigantic resort after another for more than a mile. Do enough people really come to Vegas to stay at all these hotels? How do the crappy ones even stay in business?

• I understood the concept that Vegas was big, but never appreciated just how big. It's like when my parents came back from Eastern Europe and my dad said, "The Holocaust was really bad!" Yes, it was bad, Dad, it's the Holocaust! Anyway, I'm not sure how I made an analogy between Las Vegas and the Holocaust, but Vegas is big.

• I prep for a flight like I'm never getting off the plane, so I had plenty of activities. And Cousin Bill was definitely right. Plants v. Zombies is by far the best iphone game, ever. I beat the game on the train ride home and I'm actually upset that it's over. Now I know how Nilda felt when she finished reading the Twilight books. Oh, the emptiness...

• In light of that, here I am enjoying the wonderful sites of Vegas:

• Don't worry, everyone, I was able to watch the second half of the Eagles game on the plane. I then watched the Giants/Bears game. On a flight into Newark. Which means that there were tons of Giants fans, each watching on individual televisions with headphones clapping in unison every time the Giants scored. Forrest would have loved it.

• The best part of Vegas was, as expected, Joel Robuchon Restaurant. It was ridiculously good. They treat you like an asshole, which is suprisingly enjoyable. This means the hotel sending a limo to pick you up and taking you through the back entrance of the super swanky Mansion at the MGM, which is reserved exclusively for ass hole guests, and calling you "messier." It was awesome.

• They have a bread cart with 20 kinds of bread. There is a petit four cart with all kinds of amazing cookies, including corn flakes covered in chocolate and gold leaf. We had an incredible cream of chestnut soup with foie gras, bacon, bacon foam and chestnuts. And if I tell you that the chestnuts, the stupid chestnuts, were the best part, you know it was good. I had veal cheeks. Nilda had caramelized sea urchin with lobster. It was awesome.

• My favorite part of dinner was when the short asian woman with huge boobs and bleach blonde hair that Nilda suspects was puking in the bathroom fell flat on her ass while attempting to walk back to her table. Yes, that was my favorite part.

• We ate like crazy the whole weekend, and it was all amazing. Joel Robuchon, Bouchon, Bradley Ogden and the buffet at the Wynn. I didn't know just how good we had it until I ordered my crappy Italian wedding soup for lunch on Monday. That was not a good moment.

• We didn't gamble that much, but when we did it was fun. Nilda even stayed up waaaay past her bed time. Gold star for Nilda.

• Vegas loves New York. The restaurants and stores all advertise about New York. All I could think was that New York wishes it was like Vegas.

• We saw Cirque de Soleil's "O" and I really enjoyed it. The problem is that seeing a Cirque de Soleil show is that since everyone talks about how great it is, you feel like you're drinking the kool aid. Anyway, I loved it. It was much better than Cats. I'm going to see it again and again.

• On the way to the airport, I heard one guy say to his friends, "I wish Atlantic City was half as cool as this." I couldn't agree more.

• The only bad part was that I had to miss The Heller Theory show. Luckily, Andrew made a video for me with a special message from the crowd:

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Baby Monkey!

You have to watch this five times. It gets better every time. The audio was added to the video. This means that some guy saw the video of a monkey riding a pig and thought, "THIS NEEDS A SONG!" The Most Important Blog In The Universe has uncovered that this brilliant person was Parry Gripp, the former front man for the Nerf Herders who now writes jingles. I remember that the Nerf Herders was one of the many bands with Star Wars inspired names, but I couldn't name any of their songs. I'll check them out on youtube, but first I'm going to check out nom nom nom nom nom nom nom.