Michael Jackson Is More Interesting Than I Thought

GQ had an article on Michael Jackson that focused on the time right before Off the Wall (and right before plastic surgery) through his appearance at the Motown 25th Anniversary show, where he performed Billie Jean. The cover reads, "When Michael Was Cool." Here are the highlights:

• Michael's great-great grandfather on his mother's side was an Alabama plantation slave named "Prince Screws," who names his son Prince Screws, Jr., who then had Prince Screws III. Michael naming his sons "Prince" actually means something.
• When Michael was 17, he watched Stevie Wonder made "Songs in the Key of Life." Stevie doesn't ask Michael to do anything on the record. Michael just watches.
• Michael started writing his own songs at home, singing the instrumental parts into a recorder. He is passable at piano and plays bass. This was how he made the first recording of "Don't Stop 'Til You Get Enough."
• He records at home with his brother Randy and sister Janet. They are both younger than him.
• Michael's high falsetto voice was carefully crafted to maintain his ability to sing in a higher range, isolating certain vocal cords.
• Michael, in a moment of anger, once, broke into a deep, gruff voice, his natural voice. Liza Minnelli claims to have heard this other voice, too.
• Michael would give detailed interviews to Ebony and Jet magazines, talking about how he trusted only them and that he would speak only them.
• He used to consistently push that he was not gay. He said, "There's a reason why I was created male. I'm not a girl."
• Quincy Jones, who produced Off the Wall and Thriller, used to call Michael "Smelly," since he kept covering up his nose.
• A songwriter brought "Rock with You" to him to record. He went home and wrote "Don't Stop 'Til You Get Enough."
• Michael only agreed to perform with the Jackson 5 at the Motown 25th Anniversary show after he was promised a solo performance of a non-Motown song. He did "Billie Jean." When he was done, Richard Pryor said, "That was the greatest performance I've ever seen."
• Michael messed up the dance moves on "Billie Jean." He wanted to hold toe stand after the moonwalk longer.
• He's got a weird thing with kids, but it seems too far-fetched to think that he was a child molester.
• There are pictures floating around of what Michael would look like if he had not had surgery. I don't know how accurate they are, but here's one of them.
  
  

Back From Miami

• Delta is horrible. We got to the airport and went to check in. After waiting in line, because you have to wait in line at Delta, we were told that we were 4 minutes late (seriously!) and could not check our bags. The flight was supposed to leave at 6:30 and it was 5:34 pm. This is after we already paid $15 just to check one bag. We are never flying Delta again.
• Once we got on the plane, we had to wait on the runway for 2 hours.
• A shitload of Rum & Cokes on the plane = happy Brian & Nilda.
• Miami is amazing to look at. I never thought I would say this or know what it means, but I love art deco architecture.
• Cuban coffee = fucking awesome.
• No one in Miami will speak Spanish to me. I speak Spanish to them, they answer me in English. I keep speaking Spanish to them, they keep eh-speaking English to me. I can't win.
• I love the beach.
• We stayed at Nilda's family's condo by the beach. I love it there, but I can't see how people live there year round, in that vacation limbo.
• I was floating in the ocean thinking how nice it would be to have a place near the beach. Then I remembered that we were staying there, dumbass.
• We had one of the best expensive dinners we ever had at the Palme D'Or at the Biltmore Hotel in Coral Cables. It was absolutely incredible. I kept thinking how Irene would love it.
• Having a car is nice, but having to drive everywhere sucks. It severely impacts your permitted alcohol consumption.
• We were bumped to first class on the way home. The flight attendant said it was because we didn't bother her during boarding. Lesson learned.
• There were a lot of kids on the flight. I realized that Andrew and I, as kids, must have been the worst passengers ever.
• At 10:00 am on Monday morning, I was thinking about how in 24 hours, I'd be at work. Tuesday morning at 10:00 am sucked.
• We have to go back this winter, Nilda.

Working Weekend

Things are crazy at work right now. I'm taking a deposition on Wednesday, defending a deposition on Thursday, both while I have an opposition to a motion for summary judgment due on Friday, which still needs a lot of work. Oh, and I also have another motion due early the following week, which I forgot about.

So, of course, I'm off to Miami for the weekend! Nilda and I are leaving tomorrow night and we won't be back until Monday night. See you next week.

GI Joe Is A Terrible Movie

In my ongoing efforts to be romantic, I took Nilda to see District 9 this weekend. It was a smart, thought-out movie that was well made and did not get boring. Even the plot holes (human and aliens understanding each other but each speaking their respective languages) seemed to make sense, somehow. The political allegory was there yet not overdone, and I loved it. Nilda, not so much.

Nilda, throughout the movie, entertained both myself and our fellow movie-goers with a running commentary on why the move was, and I quote, "the worst movie of all time." Ugly looking aliens that Nilda cannot look at + a shit load of gore = NOT NILDA'S MOVIE. As punishment, Nilda made me go see GI Joe the very next day. Two movies in two days seems like a lot, yes, but Nilda, apparently, had to get rid of the "bad taste" she had from District 9.

GI Joe was horrendous. It was not that it was stupid, with obvious plot holes and horrid acting. That was to be expected. This movie has made clear that no one, ever, should actually say, in any form of seriousness, any of the following:

• "The Joes won't know what's coming."
• "Knowing is half the battle."
• "It's all up to the Joes, now."
• "Are they Joes?"

Worst of all, I had to sit there and watch Adebisi from Oz say, "Yo Joe," and be serious about it. (Oddly missing was someone yelling "Cobra!," which I guess even this terrible movie couldn't pull off.) I don't know if I'll ever recover.

Nilda tells me that District 9 was "so bad" that she gets credit for two more of her movies. I appealed, saying that I had gone to see Twilight with her, which only led to Nilda declaring that I would be seeing New Moon with her, in addition to some other movie, probably starring Katherine Heigl. I am in trouble.

Best Idea Ever

• Whoever thought of putting vitamins into gummies was a genius. I'm gonna be the healthiest motherfucker out there.
• Settling into the new apartment is better than I thought it was going to be.
• No, my commute isn't any longer, just two more stops on the same subway route I used before.
• I said this dishwasher was going to change my life and it has. I love my dishwasher, and I'm not afraid to admit it.
• My ice maker is my friend.
• Brian. Is. Ready. For. Football.
• It is an injustice that the Eagles are playing New England tonight and I can't watch it because Time Warner doesn't carry the NFL network. But who really cares because it's just preseason.
• Kate Gosselin is a genius. In just a few months, she went from having the whole country hating her to being on her side. She is the Hillary Clinton of reality tv.
• I've been running in the park in the mornings. I never would have thought I would, but I love it. And unlike going to the gym, I can shower at home. The parks around here are surprisingly nice at 6:30 in the morning:

The End Of The Renovations

We thought this day would never come, but here we are. We can cook, shower, AND go to the bathroom, so it seems we may have finally reached the end of renovating the apartment. Thank the lord and praise his name. Here's a look back on how far we've come. Nilda, if you post any comments about how how we have more to do, I swear to God I burning your Twilight dvd. And I am not kidding this time!

The bathroom before...

...and after.

The kitchen, "in all its 1940's glory..."

...and with enough counter space to take a nap.

The living room that is bigger than my old studio...

...now featuring everyone's favorite light fixtures. Please ignore the table. I am advised that it shall be replaced forthwith.

The bedroom before...

...and after Barney exploded, although I do have to admit that I like it. Yes, Nilda, I know it's not pink, but only because Dad confirmed your claims.

The foyer...

..and after we ripped out the poor kitchen door who didn't hurt anyone and just wanted to be loved. Check it out, we got our ketubah framed! It only took a little over two years, but at least we're the first of the Heller kids to get ours framed. Go team!

The second bedroom doesn't know what it wants to be when it grows up.

This room is like the Andrew of the apartment. No one really cares about it.

So there we are. I'm looking forward to putting the renovations and move behind us and getting back to wasting time on netflix and xbox. I'll even be able to stop focusing the blog on the apartment. Back to the Dark Crystal v. Dune, a topic that everyone can enjoy.

Your Dad Asks Questions About The Internet

Not my dad, of course. Ever since he finally accepted that high speed internet was a good thing, he's come around. But I can think of one person in my life who has not quite grasped the concepts of the internets...

On a related note, I want all of the interns to stop making fun of my aol account. Over the past 6 months, I've enjoyed such wonderful commentary as, "Who still uses aol?," "Oh my god, is that aim?!?!?" and "Not only is his email address 'boywonderesq,' but it's aol, too!" Really, there's nothing wrong with aol. It's not like yahoo or hotmail are such wonderful service providers. And gmail just finally got rid of its beta status, so is it really that much better? I think not.

Nilda Broke The Oven

We finally got to a point where we could pay attention to the new oven. So far, its greatest attribute was that the light fades on and off and, trust me, it's that cool. We watched the video with the "perfect turkey" feature and convection options and I was all set to use it for the weekend. Then Nilda, unable to hold off playing any longer, hit the "lock" button and was rewarded with lots and lots of beeping. Now, we can't open the oven and we need a service call to replace the locking mechanism. Awesome! At least there was no turkey being held hostage inside.

Luckily, we have a microwave that has a "convection oven" feature. I have no idea how this works, but I think it means that instead of microwaving whatever is inside, it simulates an oven by heating the air circulating inside. Whatever it does, it's cooking my meatloaf. Wow, this is the most exciting blog ever!!!

P.S. - Best result of a google search ever: "Can marijuana smell like mint or was I ripped off?" Really? There's no other test besides smell that you can think of?

Ode To The Laundry Basket

Thank you, laundry basket. My $9.99 investment (with a Bed Bath & Beyond coupon, of course) has been one of the best of my life. You make me a better person.

Gone are the days of me having to lug around the laundry bag. Finally, like when I was growing up, I can use you as a far superior method of transporting my dirty, and clean, laundry. You even go so far out of your way as to be the perfect clearance for the machines in the basement.

You truly are a blessed addition to our home. A benefit I had not even anticipated was that I can fold the laundry in living room, while watching Deadliest Catch of course, and then use you to transport said clean and folded laundry to the bedroom, to be put away.

It's like a miracle. So take a load off, Laundry Basket, and enjoy the rest of the evening. You've earned it.

MGMT

I don't want to like these guys, but I can't help it. They're arrogant, yet comical. They use techno equipment, which sounds like a terrible idea, but the songs they produce have heart and great hooks. Their videos are artistic and thought out. In short, they're everything that Andrew and I wanted to be. Dicks. The record company doesn't let you embed, but check out Time To Pretend and Kids.

This Dishwasher Has Changed My Life

It's absolutely amazing. You put your dirty dishes inside of it and they come out clean. And I don't have to do anything! It's not that I can't imagine life without it, because I can. Really, it's been about four days with the dishwasher. But god damn does this thing make life easier.

This was especially nice after Nilda made dinner last night, mainly from things we got at the farmer's market. We had local scallops, local basil and even a white wine from New York that was actually pretty good. I know Nilda's Hispanic and all, but damn we're white.

We did what we did best today, which is drink prosecco and st. germaine in the park. We started thinking about it and learned (thanks, iphone) that it is a violation under the NYC Administrative Code to possess alcohol in a park or public area with an intent to consume, intent being determined by an open container. This is a civil violation, not criminal, so that you're not "arrested" for an open container violation. Or something. This blog is not intended to nor does it provide or attempt to provide legal advice and should not be consulted or relied upon for any such purposes.

Nilda and I don't give a shit because we're bad asses. We're gonna start a gang.

Zodiaq Bianco Carrara Quartz Countertop Compare Look Review

This blog post goes out to those people googling to see how the Bianco Carrara looks as a countertop. This will be boring to most, but, trust me, after having done the same search for months, I know there is someone out there who will appreciate it. And I hear all you people are somehow interested in all this crap, but I'll never believe that. Anyway, here goes:

Dear Google Searcher,

I know. It's tough. You're picking your countertops and you're stuck. You love the way marble bianco carrara looks, but you're concerned that it won't hold up like quartz. The Zodiaq Bianco Carrara seems like a great alternative. It looks arguably like marble and there are some great pictures of it on the internets.

The problem is that the sample you got doesn't look anything like that. It looks like a piece of plain white with black specks. At best, it's a disappointment.

You hope that the sample you got is a fluke or that it will look better in a larger slab, but you know that's not true. You ultimately can't pick it because its runs the risk of looking cheap. There's a reason they don't have samples of it at Home Depot.

We ultimately decided to go with the Silestone Bianco River, and we're thrilled with it. It goes great with our gray (or is it grey?) cabinets and was clearly the safer choice.

I know this isn't the result you were hoping for. If I'm wrong and the Bianco Carrara looks great, let me know, so that Nilda and I can continue, once again, enjoy agonizing over a choice that is now already made.

Yours very truly,

The Most Important Blog In The Universe

P.S. You're welcome.

Best Rickroll Ever

Only Irene could find something like this.

My Most Important Blog Post Of The Evening

We hit a milestone this weekend. The contractor officially finished on Friday, putting up the kitchen backsplash, and we had our kitchen faucet installed on Saturday. It's almost like we really live here. Here's the kitchen thus far, sans microwave and working dishwasher:

Nilda's most-favorite-exciting-oh-my-god-this-is-going-to-change-my-life-appliance is the kitchen faucet, which is the touch sensitive Delta Pilar. It is pretty cool, I have to admit. I've seen a bunch of ads for it in National Geographic and on the Discovery Channel. I guess they know the spouses of their market. Show them how it works, Nilda:

Just like on tv! This weekend also marked our foray into the exciting and dangerous world of painting. We did the trim on Friday night. We don't paint the trim last, like you're supposed to. We do things the mavericky way and paint it first. Check out the before and after picks on the trim. Can you tell which pic is before and which is after? I can't.

We started painting in earnest on Saturday morning and finally finished around 9:00 that night. Don't ask, it took a while, all right?

Having finally finished painting, we were finally able to start putting things in their place, like the bar in the pic above. We spent most of Sunday putting away all the things that had to wait for us to finish painting. It's been a month exactly since we moved and we finally were able to put this stuff away. It was glorious. Here's the cabinet under the kitchen sink and the bookcase. It may look like cleaning supplies and books to you, but it looks like six empty boxes to me:

The place is finally starting to come together and I love love love it. Btw, did you know that they are planning a remake of Red Dawn? This is a movie that just HAS to be made. WOLVERINES!!!!