Nilda Watched Grey's Anatomy Without Me And I'm Confused About My Feelings

I was out tonight for work, "lecturing" at a bar association. I was joking that it sounds prestigious, but I'd rather be home being forced to watch Grey's Anatomy at home. Then I finally get home and Nilda watched Grey's Anatomy without me.

How am I supposed to feel about this? Upset? Relieved? My initial reaction was to be upset that she didn't wait for me. This obviously doesn't make sense because since when have I looked forward to Grey's Anatomy. If she had watched The Vampire Diaries without me I wouldn't care. Does this mean I actually like watching Grey's Anatomy? Have I been using the "forced" line as a cover for liking this terrible, terrible show? Who am I?

How Could You, Mary?

It is time. The following blogs have been removed from the links to the right. It was starting to look like a graveyard over there. Sure, it was a great idea at the time to start a blog, right? Let's say goodbye:

• Don't Be So Dramatical (last post June 20, 2009): Harley started out strong, had a few really long posts, then fell off. I think she made each post such a herculean task that continuing to blog just became harder than it was worth. Goodbye.
• Never Follow A Hippie To A Second Location (last post April 28, 2009): I'm not sure exactly what Jen Simon was planning on with this. It seemed like she was trying to find a place to showcase all the stuff she found on the internets, which soon became more of a chore than anything else. It was only a matter of time. Adieu.
• Never Negotiate With Toddlers (last post September 16, 2009): I liked Mary's blog a lot. I thought she got the right tone and insights that made it interesting. I liked when she wrote about the funny stuff her kids did. Then she got pissed off and quit. That sucked. Bye bye.
• Climbing Out of This Hole (last blog unknown): This was Mary's alternative blog, where she planned to chronicle the story of a family's changed circumstances. Then she gave up and we lost this blog, too. Farewell.

Boy, I feel better. Like a big weight off my shoulders. Now I'm going to have Haagen-Dazs chocolate peanut butter ice cream, otherwise known as the best ice cream of all time.

Yup, It's A Blog

• I need to clean up the links you see to the right. I'm starting by deleting links to blogs that have been abandoned. I'm looking at you, Mary.
• We've started watching The Wire. We're giving it a shot.
• I'm dying to read the new book about the 2008 election, Game Change. And man, I need it. Politics have been boring since George Bush left office. I never thought I'd say this, but I miss George Bush.
• I've seen a lot of blogs recently (including mine) talking about how they're going to try to do better to keep up blogging. At first I thought that meant that blogging is dying. Now I just think that it's in a lull and will come back when something interesting happens. As much as the news is on a 24 hour cycle, there seems to be an overarching 6 month cycle on top of it.
• Our federal trial scheduled to start on January 19 got pushed back to February 9. The judge told us that there are five criminal trials and five civil trials set to start that day. The criminal trials get priority and the judge did not believe that there would be enough jurors for our trial. FYI - trial season has begun. We've got four scheduled for the upcoming months.
• The Eagles lost the Cowboys this weekend and it was depressing. This is the reason why I hate George Bush (for those of you who don't know, this is Bush with the owner of the Cowboys):

New Year's

The Most Important Blog In The Universe has been busy. Doing stuff. Kind of important. And stuff. Anyway, here are pics from New Year's:

Damn, I'm sexy.

The Kings (not shown, Greg's old roommate Alex):

Gary & Ellie


We went to Keen's Chophouse, which I had never heard of before but apparently is famous and great. A couple of us ordered the porterhouse for three "very extra rare." Before:

After:

We all went back to Jeremy & Irene's place in Brooklyn, and Nilda and I stayed over. Jeremy had a cigar soon after midnight, which was a great idea to have after three Manhattans and steak. He turned various shades of green and was gone within minutes. He woke up the next morning very proud that he was able to get to his bed on his power. Good times.

We watched The Hangover the next day and it was hilarious, as good as the hype. Irene showed us some Zach Galifianakis interviews, "Between Two Ferns" and they were hilarious.

Between Two Ferns with Zach Galifianakis from Between Two Ferns

Between Two Ferns with Zach Galifianakis from Between Two Ferns

Between Two Ferns With Zach Galifianakis from Between Two Ferns

P.S. - The eagles went from being the hottest team in football to being a sure fire loser to the cowboys. The cowboys! I don't want to talk about it.

P.S.S. - I still love the dishwasher. With all my heart.

The Most Important People Of The 2000s

No one seems to know what to call the 2000s. I heard the "naughts" or the "aughts" and those are terrible choices. The natural term seems to be "the 2000s" so that's what we're going with, people. The Most Important Blog In The Universe has spoken. And while we're at it, we're calling the next decade "the teens." And I swear to God, Irene, I'd better not get any posts about how this isn't really the start of the next decade since it won't "officially" be the teens until 2011 because no one cares except you. It's and Its are still fair game.

Anyway, here's a non-exhaustive list of the most important people of the last decade, in no particular order:

• George W. Bush: Unfortunately, he shaped the decade and the world. I still wonder what it would have been like if Gore had won.
• Osama Bin Laden: It's who was important, not who was good.
• Obama: The choice of a new generation. He's the brightest and most positive thing to come out the 2000s. Of course he deserved the Nobel.
• Jon Stewart: He was the only real social commentator that mattered, reminding everyone what the news media is supposed to be. Stephen Colbert runs a close second.
• Bill O'Reilly: He energized a segment of the right that has now become a mainstream political force, at a time when Rush Limbaugh was forgotten in a cloud of prescription medications. There would be no Sarah Palin or Glen Beck without him.
• Alan Greenspan: He got us into this mess, but at least has the decency to admit it.
• Justin Timberlake: Yes, this one is embarrassing to admit, but he went from boy band fluff to respected musician. The music industry is better because of him.
• The Guy Behind TMZ: Whoever invented this not only made people look at bloggers as a respected news source, but, unfortunately, made news sources act more like bloggers.
• Tina Fey: She brought political satire back to SNL and became the nonthreatening voice of the urban liberals.
• Michael Moore: He reinvented the documentary and, for better or worse, became the symbol of the angry left.
• Judd Apatow: Sensitive dorks are back. And they brought weed.
• Steve Jobs: This was the decade of the ipod and the iphone, neither of which would exist if it weren't for Jobs. He may be an ass, but he pushes the boundaries of technology all by himself.
• Simon Cowell: No one escapes American Idol.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!

All Apologies

Blogging is hard, people. You have to make time to think of something to say, then actually take the time to write it. It's not as easy as it sounds. I see that I had a burst of interest on Monday. That's not surprising, in retrospect, since everyone has been trying to kill time at their desks all week. I'm not looking forward to getting back into the swing of a rough work week. Anyway, I'm back. For now.

Random Boring Shit

• Hanukkah is not a religious holiday. It celebrates a revolt by a bunch of fanatics who turned out to be totalitarian zealots that ultimately could not hold onto power. Read David Brooks' column.
• Irene has me terrified about my "its" and "it's." "Its" really annoying.
• I read about a professor in Tel Aviv who is writing that the early Jews were not monotheistic. Moses said that there shall be no other gods before God, not that the other gods didn't exist. Now you know. You're welcome.
• I never would have thought that people would be so interested in Tiger Woods' affair. It seems that people projected so much of what they believed in hard work and talent on him that they feel let down. He was an icon, kind of like Bruce Springsteen, who turned out to be more human than anyone wanted him to be.
• I liked Obama on 60 Minutes. I trust that whatever he's doing, mistakes included, is exactly what I would be doing, and I like that. I'm still in the cult.
• Nilda and I are watching Dwarf Adoption. I have no idea why.
• Electric Box is a terribly addicting, but amazing iphone game. Curse you, Cousin Bill!
• Finally, I won the football pool. This, of course, is because I am AWESOME.
• Go Iggles.

That's A Dealbreaker

Goodbye, alarm clock. We've had some good times together. I got you at K-Mart in 2001, back when your cd player was actually an attractive feature. We've gone from the East Village, to Murray Hill, to Washington Heights, to Inwood. But now you're snooze bar isn't working, and how can anyone expect to function without a snooze bar. I'm sure you understand. I'll miss you.

How To Set Up A Christmas Tree

I always said I'd never have a tree, but here we go. First, you have to go out in the rain/sleet/snow on Saturday and pick out a tree before frostbite sets in. There are about 100 trees, but you're only allowed to choose between the two that the guy selects for you. And don't mess with that guy because he's been in the cold for a lot longer than you with only a port-a-potty to keep him company and he will cut you. Then he sticks the tree into one of those funnels they use to kill chickens and you're stuck with it.

After you walked home in the rain/sleet/snow and had to take several breaks because Nilda talks about how heavy the tree is and switches ends and then changes her mind until you decide to just pick the damn thing up yourself and carry it the rest of the way home which you should have probably done in the first place, you're ready to begin step 2. Set up the tree in five minutes and then spend the next 20 washing the sap off your hands and dustbusting up the fallen needles. Get used to dustbusting, it's part of the fun.

Step 3, pull out all of the ornaments that you had meticulously arranged in a box last January and start putting them up. You will say that you don't want to do this, but will inevitably be conscripted into helping. Nilda will start to lose steam after putting the lights up so you have to help to keep the momentum going. Make sure the Eagles ornaments get a prominent location. Garland = pain in the ass. Here it is, in all it's goyisha glory, with the shot that Nilda insisted upon to show perspective.

Last, but not least, you have to put all the empty boxes that the ornaments came in into a larger box. This is Brian Work as Nilda needs help with the spatial orientation. I blame a severe Tetris deficiency that Nilda suffered growing up. That's why The Most Important Blog In The Universe supports the Gameboy For Every Child Initiative.

Once the tree was up, we attended our new building's annual holiday party. Nilda made coquito for the first time (it was amazing!) and it was a huge hit. It's the undisputed principle of Christmas: white people love coquito. We also took this opportunity to play the "you show me yours, I'll show you mine" game of showing off our apartment. Hands down, Nilda has the best kitchen and bathroom in the building. I just live here.

The building likes to sing songs while musicians in the building play along. I swore I wouldn't sing, but before I knew it I was singing about how Our Lord Has Come and Our Savior Is Born. I move to New York, the Jewish capital of the world, only to sing Christmas carols with a tree in my home. Go figure. But we sang the dreidel song TWICE, so that apparently makes it even.

The best part about the process was that I finally got Nilda to go to Applebee's where I learned why and how America is obese. I also heard my new favorite song for the first time. THAT'S NOT MY NAME!

The New Gin

For my birthday, Stella got me a bottle of a boutique gin, just like I wanted. She got me a gin called "Geneviere" that is an old-style "genever" gin, as opposed to the london dry gin that we’re all used to. Instead of being a vodka flavored with juniper berries, it’s essentially a whiskey flavored with juniper berries. And it’s horrible. It’s like medicine with a bouquet of vomit. Who wants to try it?

My Favorite Metaphors

Nothing says "Thanksgiving" like a self-indulgent post about metaphors that I think about on a daily basis, leading to quotes that no one around me understands. How thankful you are.

The Swamp of Sadness: In "The Neverending Story," Atreyu has to cross the swamp of sadness on his quest to stop The Nothing. The swamp is an ugly and sad place, but if you let the sadness get to you, you sink into the swamp and never come out. The point is not to let yourself get so discouraged that you just give up. I use this one with interns all the time. And April.

The Beachhead: You have to decide if you're going to try to stop an issue "at the beach," like in Normandy in WWII, or whether you'll deal with the issue later. Sometimes you want to stop an issue before it starts, or try to build a better argument to use at a later time.

Burning the Boats: When Cortes landed in Mexico to conquer it on behalf of Spain, he burned the boats behind him so that his soldiers knew there would be no turning back. This one is about forcing commitment.

Princess and the Pea: When something is not right from the beginning, it never will be.

The Tortoise and the Hare: If you work diligently and keep moving forward, you'll ultimately be respected for it. Like Jon Stewart. Moving too quickly can lead to disaster.

The Slow Blade Penetrates the Shield: In Dune, Frank Herbert thought of shields that bullets will bounce off of, but which can be penetrated by a slow knife. Kind of like the tortoise and the hare, moving slowly and steadily can be the most effective method.

Why I Like The New Table

The table works a lot better in the apartment than it ever did on line. All the curves and angles that made me concerned about it in the store make it work perfectly in the apartment. The four corners are cut, so it looks like an octagon, so it doesn't feel boxy.

Plus, the beveling on all sides makes it fit more smoothly into the apartment without taking away surface area. I also appreciate the curved saber legs, which contrast with a lot of the straight lines that we already have.

In short, good job, Nilda. Don't say I don't ever listen to you. And don't ever, ever use this post as a reason to ignore what I say or I swear to God I'll take it down.

BLOG HIJACK!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY SWEETHEART!

Te quiero!

Jack Realizes I Am Not Daddy

...and he is not happy about it!

THE NEW TABLE!!!

IT'S FINALLY HERE!! AAAHHHHH!!! OH MY GAAAWWWWWD!!! YAAAY!!!!

Wow. My life is now almost complete. The new table came and Nilda could not be more excited. "It's a dining table, Brian," she tells me, reminding me that it finally replaces the crappy "country" table that she bought from Seaman's (hehehe) 9 years ago. We don't have chairs yet, and won't have any for the foreseeable future, but who needs chairs when you have two folding chairs that make the table look much much cheaper than it actually is?

This table is big, much bigger than Nilda or I thought it would be. Fortunately, the saber legs are not as feminine as I was afraid they'd be. ("We needed curves because the sofa is boxy, Brian," whatever that means.) And self storing leaf = Brian not having to lug this shit in and out of it's protective case in the closet with Nilda's changing whims. The real question is what I get out of this. The answer, is nothing.

Six Months Later

We closed on the apartment on April 29 and have lived here since June 19, yet it feels like much longer. It's been great getting accustomed to the new normal. Here are few things I've noticed:

• Thank God the renovations are done. The apartment looks great, but I'm still scarred months later.
• I passed a big milestone this weekend when the guy at the dry cleaner remembered my phone number without my telling him.
• This is my favorite neighborhood that I've lived in in New York, including the East Village. And I luuuved the East Village.
• I still love the dishwasher. I said it was going to change my life and it has.
• Nilda and I are loving the farmer's market. There's nothing like eating corn that was picked at 5:00 that morning. I think this is going to get bigger, since we saw Food, Inc. yesterday, a great documentary about the food industry. We're thinking about buying a share of grass fed beef (and pork!) from a ranch in upstate New York.
• Our ice maker has been broken for a couple of weeks and we can't seem to get any repairmen to actually come to a scheduled appointment. Damn you, Fisher and Paykel!!
• I go to the park a lot more than I thought I would. I'm hoping to keep that up.
• I don't go to PJ Wines as often as I thought I would, though I have to admit I'm in there at least once a week. I just love knowing that it's near.
• The deli on the corner has a great beer selection. Do not underestimate the importance of having a deli with a good beer selection.
• 3 hours later, we come back from the bar where we watched the Eagles game. They lost to the Chargers, but 5 beers, buffalo wings and an order of sweet potato fries still make a good day.
• I used to joke that the seasons were better "up here," but it's kind of true.

Afternoon Safari Theme Park Delight

The Lawyer Representing The Guy Accused Of Extorting David Letterman Is An Asshole

This douche bag's name is Gerald Shargel, and he makes all lawyers look bad. He seems to have no genuine defense for his client, so he's instead taking this opportunity to get his lame ass on tv. When he is on tv, all he talks about is how "excited" he is to cross examine Letterman, which is a transparent attempt to try to intimidate Letterman out of pressing charges. It won't work (Letterman is too publicly invested to let it go) and only makes him and his client look even sleazier than they already are. And when he is on tv, he alternates between saying how only he knows all the facts or, when he gets a hard question, claiming that he doesn't know all the facts. What a dirt bag.

The defense that the defendant was trying to make a "commercial transaction" is the best thing that has happened so far. How can anybody, with a straight face, argue that trying to sell a story about the purchaser's secret affairs, with a note saying that his "world is about to fall apart," is a simple business deal? And who pays $2 million for a screenplay written by a nobody who's never written anything before? And it matters that he delivered this package at 6:00 am. He did it early to keep it quiet, since it was blackmail.

I go for jury duty on March 8. Third adjournment, so I have to serve. Hey dirt bag, if I get on your jury panel, I have read nothing about this case and can be fair and impartial.

Dayman v. Nightman

Day Man-It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia - watch more funny videos

Four Blogs In One! Four Blogs In One!

Why I Didn't Vote: Yeah, Bloomberg is fine, but I can't forgive him for changing the rules to allow him to run for a third term. And it pissed me off how he spent so much trying to drive Thompson into the ground. The voters must have agreed with me, since there's no explanation why Thompon, who sucks, kept the race so close. Still, I'm glad Bloomberg won. If I had voted, I would have voted for Nilda for mayor. If I have to be bossed around by her, so should everyone else.

The Most Important Blog In The World Endorses The Phillies: This may all be moot by now, but I've realized that I have to go with the Philly team. I simply cannot come to grips with supporting the other side, especially the Yankees. They're successful but annoying, like Hugh Jackman, or Halle Berry. Rooting for the Phillies reaffirms my being from Philadelphia, just like fasting until 2:00 pm on Yom Kippur reaffirms my being Jewish. (Yes, Nilda, it's still fasting if you have coffee and Tastykake chocolate covered donuts.) I'm still more excited about the Eagles/Cowboys game on Sunday than about the World Series. I'm making ribs.

The New V Series Is Better Than I Thought It Would Be: It started out like any other crappy ABC series, but I was into it by the end. I also never realized how much I remembered from the original series, like the fact that the main lady was named Diana or that there was an alien with a square head who was called the "fifth column," whatever that meant. And it's cute how they're trying to make it this political allegory, with the aliens of unclear origins offering "hope" and universal health care, while the press is too busy sucking up to question them.

The Dark Days Begin: I thought it would settle, but that's not going to happen. Brian is about to get a lot of experience on a case where he has nothing to lose.