Why I Don't Like Baseball

So I'm watching the World Series, but I still can't see myself getting into baseball year round. I'm from Philly and I live in New York, so a Phillies/Yankees World Series has some obvious appeal to me. But I don't care enough about either team, or baseball, really, to get interested. Here's why:

• Baseball is too simple. Every down in football is like a chess match, but you know what to expect with each play in baseball.
• There will be a lot of football analogies. If my readers can't handle it, then both of them should stop reading any further.
• There's no time to figure out how to react in baseball. The pitches go too fast for me to figure out what's going on, and by then it's too late.
• What can be planned is too boring to be interesting. For example, hitting it to left field, bunting, throwing a fast ball v. a breaking ball, that's all easily categorized into simple rules for different scenarios. There isn't enough room in the rules for innovation.
• Baseball is all about pitching. You could strip the game down to a pitcher and a batter and it would still make sense. If you don't like pitching, like me, then most of the game is lost.
• The calling of balls and strikes is way too subjective, like grades in law school. A pitch that looks clearly out to me will be called a strike and I don't get it.
• Standing on "base" is gay.
• Full disclosure = Andrew and I played little league and we both sucked. I was told I always stepped "away" from the pitch, not wanting to get hit by the ball. One time I decided to step into the pitch and got hit right in the nose. From then on, I was called "Target 2" (Andrew was "Target 1," which I thought was unfair, since he never got hit). Why didn't I like sports?
• Of course I stepped away from the pitch! Some 8-year-old with no idea what he's doing is throwing a ball at me and I'm supposed to just stand there? No thank you, Mr. Clipboard!
• I have good memories of going to Red Berry's Baseball Camp during the summers in Florida. One of the counselors called us "Heckle & Jekyll" and it took me all summer to figure out what the hell that meant.
• The counselors once asked the campers who was going to win the All Star game that night and I was one of only two who thought the American League was going to beat the National League. I was all proud of myself but the truth was that I had no idea what the hell they were talking about and I only voted for the American League because we're American, right?
• Baseball was fun because when it was all over, you'd get a snow cone.
• There are still moments where I get baseball. It's more of a game than a sport. Still, when it's professional football season, which is on a level that is way beyond me, baseball seems like a kid's game.

Getting More Out Of Life

• Ha! Gotcha. I don't blog about that shit. I'm perfectly content getting as little out of life as possible.
• For last night's game, I got the Desert Pepper queso instead of the Tostito's queso. The Tostito's is way better. One time in law school we ran out of chips so I had it with Total cereal and it was amazing.
• I never want anything for my birthday, but if I were to make a list this year, here's what would be on it, in no particular order: that book about Manhattan before people, Beatles Rock Band (which Nilda cannot get me), cuff links, a wireless keyboard and mouse set for work, some kind of specialty micro-brew style gin. Nilda, of course, is not allowed to get me any of that. She has to "surprise" me.
• I'm bored with the news. I think that's because I trust that whatever Obama is doing is exactly what I would be doing in the same situation. I actually miss George Bush sometimes.
• I do not like Michael Bloomberg. Yeah he's a good mayor and all, but there should be a price for changing the rules so that you can run for a third term.
• Häagen-Dazs' "five ingredient" vanilla ice cream is perhaps the best ice cream ever made. Andrew, you have to try it.
• "Häagen-Dazs" has absolutely no meaning and was made up by its creators (Polish immigrants from the Bronx) to look Scandinavian.
• The Philadelphia Eagles can destroy the Washington Redskins on Monday Night Football, and the Philadelphia press will still complain about how terrible they played. You have to love fans that care and know their stuff.
• We're switching from Westlaw to Lexis at the office. Wish us luck.

Thursday Night News

• Nilda bought the crappy paper towels again. I don't know what brand they are because Nilda threw out the packaging, but I know they're crappy because (a) Nilda threw out the packaging and (b) they feel crappy. Hey Nilda, stop buying the crappy paper towels.
• I'd like to amend my recent comment that Lisa Loeb's "Stay" would be a hit if it came out today to include that within three years, someone will re-record the song and it will featured on a teen drama. Remember my name.
• Running in the morning has changed in the fall. It's now colder and darker. Any tips, Jeff?
• Nilda, is not allowed to get me Beatles Rock Band for my birthday. It's not that I don't want it. It's that I always have to "surprise" her and letting her get me that is just too damn easy.
• Andrew got me really into The Band. They were a bunch of guys who used to back Bob Dylan (hence, "the band), and went on their own. They tried to capture the spirit of the south in the immediate post-civil war period and, in the process, changed the perception of southern music. The irony is that they're Canadian.

P.S. - Andrew and I are getting a rehearsal space this weekend. We're putting the band back together.

You Haven't Blogged In A While

• Oh really, Nilda? Thanks for letting me know.
• This is a week late, but Obama deserved to win the Nobel peace prize. No other figure in recent history has done such a powerful job of changing the tone of the world in such a short period of time. Because of him, it's now popular for world leaders to talk in open dialogues, which is a remarkable achievement.
• Lisa Loeb's "Stay" came on my itunes today. It's a cheesy and dated song, but it'd be a hit if it came out today. Yeah, I said it.
• There's a scene in Woody Allen's "Annie Hall" where the two main characters are people watching and say that one pedestrian won the "Truman Capote look-alike contest." That pedestrian was actually Truman Capote in a cameo appearance.
• I put Annie Hall on my iphone and watched it on the train. You should really watch it if you haven't seen it. Even if you don't like Woody Allen, it's an amazing movie and you can understand why it beat Star Wars for the best picture oscar.
• I am addicted to the Phase 10 application I got for the iphone. Admitting I have a problem is the first step.
• Nilda and I are experimenting with our oven's "perfect turkey" feature. It's an exciting night in the Heller house. That's right, Nilda, you're a Heller now.
• Michael Vick isn't working out with the Eagles. They don't really need him and nobody seems to be fooled by the wildcat. But signing him was still a brilliant move. They got him really cheap and after a one year PR fix-up, they can trade him for a lot more, probably with draft picks. That's right, Andy Reid's gonna flip Michael Vick like a house on TLC.
• Phish is playing another Halloween show this year, where they dress up like another band and play an album. Previous Halloween shows have included the Beatles' White Album and the Talking Heads' Remain in Light. They've listed a whole bunch of albums they might cover.
• Here's a moral quandary. Someone out there has created a blog with a link to where you can download each of these albums for free. I don't know how I feel about this. On the one hand, I know I should be paying for music, but on the other hand, it's free and it's hard to say no. I blame the music industry for failing to figure out how to deal with the internet.
• The super finally installed the tub faucet. I know you're just DYING to see what it looks like, so here it is, you lucky devils, you:

Hitler Learns Which Album Phish Will Cover On Halloween

Nilda's New Stationary

Letterman & Sexual Harassment

I know nothing about the case or what happened, and the following is not a legal opinion or advice blah blah blah, but in my EXPERT opinion, there does not seem to be much risk to CBS for a sexual harassment lawsuit. It doesn't look like any of the conduct was unwelcome and it's not against the law to have a relationship with your boss (though it's not a good idea to have a relationship with your employee). In short, unless some allegations come out about Letterman making threats to coerce these relationships, which seems highly unlikely, it's not a case I'd be interested in handling.

Where The Wild Things Are

"Where the Wild Things Are" was published in 1963, written by Maurice Sendak, the third child of a Jewish couple from the Warsaw shtetls. The book originally focused on horses, but his publisher said he couldn't draw horses and he instead drew "things" of caricatures of his aunts and uncles from his childhood in Brooklyn. The book was well received, but criticized for being too scary for kids.

Spike Jonze has been working on a film version of the movie since about 2002. Sendak, a fan of "Being John Malkovich" and "Adaptation," had been asking Jonze for years prior to that, but Jonze declined, saying he did not know what he could add. He finally agreed to make the film after realizing that he could make a movie where the "wild things" are the big and scary emotions kids face growing up. The movie is about what it's like to be 9 years old.

The film took five years to make, stalling when Universal balked at initial audience reactions and fears that children would find it too scary. Ironically, these are the same fears that critics erroneously felt about Sendak's book.



P.S. - Spike Jonze's real name is Adam Spiegel. People started calling him "Spike" when he was 13 because of the haircut he had and would give to others, and the "Jonze" referred to an old bandleader named Spike Jonze.

Happy Birthday, Nilda!

Happy birthday, pookie butt. I love you with all my heart and I hope you're looking forward to dinner at a surprise location. I don't want to give anything away, but let's just say that if you like soup, salad and BREADSTICKS, you're going to be happy. Happy birthday. May your year be filled with teen vampire dramas, design, endless pasta bowls and more of me than you can handle. Kisses!

People To Know

Here's a list of of the top 10 occupations of people that are the most useful to have in your life:

1. Doctor - someone to call when you just need an antibiotic and don't have time to go to the doctor.
2. Contractor - because you'll always need something fixed, and an all around handyman is ideal.
3. Lawyer - at first I thought about not even including this on the list, but have since reconsidered and think it's good to have someone who knows the legal system and knows how to argue.
4. Accountant - they can take a look at your returns and make sure you're not missing anything. For free!
5. Stock broker - if you're into that kind of thing, and it would probably be easier to be into that kind of thing if a friend of yours was a stock broker.
6. IT guy - who you gonna call when your computer breaks? Dell?
7. Mechanic - someone who will take a look at your car without making you feel ripped off.
8. Policeman - not having any friends who are cops, I can only imagine that having one is a big help under the right circumstances.
9. Electrician - something electrical is going to break, or you're going to need install a light fixture, and your contractor friend isn't licenced for that.
10. Carpenter/plumber - you can never know enough people who know how to fix shit.

Others that didn't make the top ten: parking professional (having someone who can get you a spot at a lot for free is awesome. thanks, Forrest), butcher (for fun), mortgage broker/insurance salesman (when you need him, you need him, and it's free so it's great), tailor (to fix your pants), chef (great dinner parties), politician/judge (more of a fantasy), bartender (this seems to be more of a benefit for girls), account representative for a branding agency (wait, what? who needs that?).

Badass Of The Day: Paul Brown

Paul Brown is arguably the most influential and important coach in professional football history. Born in 1909 in Ohio, he played quarterback in high school and college, at the Miami University of Ohio, but was too small for Ohio State or professionally (he was only 140 lbs). He returned to his high school alma mater as a football coach, with a 80 victories, 8 defeats and 2 ties over 9 seasons. Brown was nominated by the high-school coaches association to become the head coach for Ohio State in 1941, which many thought was to get him out of their league. He led Ohio State to a Big Ten championship before being commissioned into the navy in 1943.

After the war, Brown was signed to be coach and general manager of Cleavland's team in the new (and doomed) All-America Football Conference ("AAFC"), a rival to the NFL. The team was dubbed "the Browns" in honor of Brown, in a contest where fans named the team. The Browns won all four championships in the AAFC from 1946-49. Brown went on to found the Cincinnati Bengals and won seven NFL conference titles and three championships from 1950-62.

Brown's innovations changed the game of football, and included:

• Brown was the first to use game film to evaluate players and to teach new plays to players.
• Brown introduced playbooks and classroom instruction to professional football.
• Brown was the first to hire full-time, year-round assistant coaches, instead of part-time assistant coaches. He used these assistants' contacts at colleges to develop a scouting system.
• Brown was the first to give players intelligence and psychological tests to judge their ability to learn and improve.
• He was the first to test speed in the 40-yard dash.
• He was the first to use players as messengers to call plays to the quarterback.
• Brown was the first to station assistants high in the stadium to get a better view of the plays, with a telephone to the bench.
• Brown invented the face mask.
• Brown believed that the solid foundation of a football team was blocking and tackling.
• Brown was strict that his players be able to write out plays from memory. He once fired an All-American rookie who failed one of these tests.
• Brown insisted that his players clean up the image of professional football players, implementing rules against smoking, swearing and going to nightclubs. He required that his players wear coats and ties on the road.

Stealing From Irene's Blog, Again

Because really, where else can you find this stuff?


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On Notice

As the most important blog of all time, it is my responsibility to foster and mentor younger, blogs. It reflects my commitment to the future. But sometimes, new blogs don't live up to their end of the bargain. You started a blog because it looks fun and easy, only to learn that it can be a pain in the ass. So you forget about your blog and ignore the responsibility that you assumed. So all those errant blogs to the right -- and you know who you are -- are all on notice. Show some commitment. Poop or get off the internets.

P.S. - I now have "All The Single Ladies" as my ring tone. This officially makes me the coolest person of all time.

An Admission

Miley Cyrus' "The Climb" is a great song and she sounds great singing it. There. I said it. Let the healing begin.

Kanye Interrupts Obama

Chinese Guy v. Kanye West

Japanese Toilet Humor

Toilettes japonaises piégées - Koreus

I Need To Stop Using The Word "Wicked" So Often

• I need a good idea for an interesting blog. Any ideas? Or are you just going to keep bitching, Matt?
• Go Iggles. I'm trying to think of ideas that do not involve football. It's harder than it sounds.
• Dexter season 3 was amazing. If you have not watched Dexter yet, put it in your queue. Yes, I assume that everyone else has netflix, too.
• I think I have to buy the Beatles Rock Band. It's not that I'm dying to play Rock Band, but come on, it's the Beatles. I'm probably going to have to get the remasters, too. I'll bet they're amazing.
• A public option for health insurance sounds like a really good deal to me. I'd probably save a fortune.
• Nilda has started watching Gossip Girl. God help us all.

Kingda Ka

Nilda and I went to Great Adventure (Gran Aventura!!!!) on Sunday and it was awesome. I'd never been and it was great. Nilda, of course, hurt her neck on all the roller coasters, because only Nilda would hurt her neck on a roller coaster. Needless to say, we spent the NJTransit trip back to NY on Monday looking up "whiplash" on webmd. Our children are going to be remarkable athletes.

My favorite coaster was the Kingda Ka, a stupid name for the fastest (0 to 128 mph in 3 seconds) and largest (456 feet) roller coaster in the world. It's only a 50 second ride, shooting the car from a launcher onto a straight, vertical spiral, up and then down again. Nilda spent all day working up the courage to go on it and is VERY PROUD of herself for going on it! Except now she can't turn her head. Good times.



I also liked the El Toro roller coaster, and yes I realize that "the" and "el" mean the same thing, so that "the El Toro" really doesn't make sense grammatically. Sue me. It has the steepest drop of any wooden roller coaster in the world (76 degrees) and is the third fastest (70 mph). As high as it is, it's still less than half the height of Kingda Ka, but is an intense ride.



Then I kicked the old dancing guy in the teeth and had funnel cake. What a great day!

Nilda, Destroyer of Plants, Vanquisher of Flora