It Is Done

We went into Philly for Rosh Hashanah - and a Happy New Year to you all - and left with a car. The plan was to go test drive and see what we think. Nilda was very adamant that there would be no purchase this weekend. Of course, this is the same person who got totally caught up in the crappy time share presentation in Cabo. Brian really dodged a bullet on that one.

We brought my dad along so we'd have a grown up. It was great to have him, mostly so that whatever we did had dad's seal of approval. Even if he didn't like it, he was there so he was still responsible. Thanks, Dad, for squeezing into those tiny backseats and listening to Len the car salesmen and his never ending diatribes about the history of the Jewish people in Northeast Philadelphia.

We first test drove the Honda Fit, which was the car Nilda was excited about. That lasted about two seconds into the test drive, when Nilda shook her head no and said "mmm-mmm," which was fine with me. We then drove the Civic, which Nilda liked more than either of us thought she would. But then we drove the Mazda3 and we realized that we were right about our first chioce. As my dad said, suddenly "Ms. Not Today" was calling for insurance quotes. Nilda, of course, maintained her poker face, only saying how much she liked it when the dealer wasn't looking at her. Way to go, Nilda.

It's a Mazda3 i Touring, shiny black with black interior. We've already set up the bluetooth for our phones and know how we'll hook up the ipod. This is my first car and it is AWESOME! Though there was a moment today where I realized holy shit I now have a car and how the hell did that happen. I don't need a car, I live in New York! Too late now, sucka.

Nilda and I have discussed what we will call the car. You can't give it a name like Earl or Kit, since that's just weird (though Nilda advised me right off the bat that "Captain Phil" will not fly). I say we should call the car "the car" (no capitals). Growing up, we had the Camry, the Bonneville and the Horizon. We had The Heller Mobile, too, either the worst or most awesome station wagon ever created, but that's a different blog post. Since we only have one car, it doesn't make sense to identify it by brand.

Finally, I'd like to thank New Jersey Transit, for shuttling me to and from Philadelphia all these years. But now you and your no round trip tickets during peak hours policy can go fuck yourselves.

Drinking Outside Is Good

Ah, it's been a while. Hello to all. I write to advise you all about the magical wonder that is drinking outdoors. Yesterday, the plan was that Nilda and I would meet Jeremy & Irene at a beer garden and then go out to dinner. We are, however, talking about Jeremy & Irene, so that did not happen. (Am I right, Mary?) Anyway, Nilda and I found ourselves at the Biergarten at The Standard, since I am NOT getting Nilda to the beer garden in Astoria.

Beer...gardens...are...awesome. There is so much to be said about drinking outside that cannot be said while you're sober. Some of the reviews of this place said there aren't enough beer selections. But it's a beer garden, dumbass, you're lucky if you get three options (light, dark AND wheat). Nilda was into it, then throw in some bratwurst and she's in heaven.

Nilda and I then went to dinner at Colicchio & Sons, where we were, yet again, underwhelmed by Tom Colicchio. I want to like the guy from Top Chef, but it always seems to fall flat for us. At least Jeremy & Irene showed up just as we were finishing. Drinking after dinner is just as good as drinking before dinner.

It was decided that today would be take 2 at the beer garden. We started out at the rooftop bar at The Standard, which is literally above the High Line. Check out this picture of some douchebag in front of the hotel.

It was a good Labor Day weekend. This week is Rosh Hashanah, followed by a weekend of car shopping and football. It's looking like it will be a good fall.

The Douche In Front Of Me At Phish

They start playing a slow song about an hour into the Phish show at Jones Beach on Wednesday night, so everyone starts to sit down. It's nice to finally sit. Then the guy in front of me decides that he's going to stand up and do that white boy dance. You know the dance, with guys jumping around, some with their hands up in the air like it's a christian rock show. This was the same guy who was so looking forward to air guitar that he brought his own inflatable guitar balloon to the show, the same kind that they give away at bar mitzvahs. Man, he was awesome.

At least it wasn't the guy who jumped off the balcony during the set break. He pushed people out of the way and then jumped face first, like anyone would. A doctor on the scene diagnosed him as having a "busted up" face, but it sounds like he'll be ok. They've actually got a video of the guy jumping.

Proposed Dog Names

Luke Skybarker
Kit
Dr. Awesome
Not Penny's Dog
Ochobarko
Feego from Bowwowzikstan
Kanye Woofst
The Dude
Shithead
Mrs. Ellen Barkin'
Michael Doglas
Mordechai Von Poopsalot
Captain Phil
Oprah
Hamen (grogger required)
President Poopenstein

We Need A Car For Activities

If we had a car, we could get so much more activities done, Nilda!

Brian Wants A Car...NOW!

• I've decided that I want a car. And I want it now. NOW, Nilda!
• We rented a car for the weekend and drove to Philly. We only had traffic where the NJ turnpike merges, and putting that aside, it was glorious. I want a car. I don't want to take New Jersey Transit anymore.
• I'm in the bargaining stage. I will forgo the tv in the bedroom to get it. And if the Verizon iphone doesn't come out in January 2011, like the rumors say, I might even consider getting a Droid, so that Nilda and I are on the same plan. I'm a giver.
• We're looking at the Mazda 3. We were originally thinking about a Porche, but the Mazda 3 has a bigger back seat. We're practical.
• Congratulations to Matt for making partner! I guess they set the bar low in Minnesota. Jus' keeding! Welcome to the wonderful world of the non-equity partner. No one knows what that is, but it basically means you have less authority than you should have.
• Years ago, I got an Eagles mastercard because it's awesome. Now the card is expiring and I have a ton of points that can only be redeemed at the NFL store by the end of the month. So in addition to learning that getting an Eagles card was a horrible waste of credit card rewards, I've got a ton of Eagles gear. Check it out:

• Needing to replace my McNabb jersey, I got a Kevin Kolb jersey. Yes, a bold move, but it feels right.
• Nilda got a white DeSean Jackson jersey, and she's SO EXCITED!! Nilda loves football.
• Phish concert on Wednesday night at Jones Beach. Andrew and I are renting a car to get out there. If only I had a car of my own...

Carrots That I Am Advised Are Purple

• I've been following Eagles training camp for the first time. I usually don't get interested in football until September, but man, I'm ready for the season to start now. Maybe it's the ridiculously hot weather that has me ready for fall.
• I don't mind the heat. Yeah, it's hot and the subway sucks, but at least it's not cold.
• I have decided that I am a Kevin Kolb supporter, though I do think McNabb will have a better season in Washington.
• I want a car. I have absolutely no need for a car, yet I want one. I look at cars in the street and critique each one of them. I've realized that my dream car is my parent's 1990 burgundy Toyota Camry. Man, I loved that car.
• I thought the Camry was brown until last week when my parents told me that it was burgundy. Same difference. At least I didn't say it was red.
• Facebook is thrilled that a federal court judge invalidated Prop 8 under federal law. This is not a good sign. I can get beyond the problem of a court invalidating a referendum (the civil rights movement would have never survived a referendum).
• The real problem is that the Roberts court - the most conservative Supreme Court in decades - is going to decide this issue. I see the court using Prop 8 as an opportunity to write a scathing decision about judicial activism, upholding a discriminatory law under the banner of public opinion.
• Strangely enough, the left's best hope is Ted Olson, the guy who made sure Bush got into office over Gore.
• Nilda gets way too into Shark Week.
• The best part about summer is the farmer's market. I never appreciated corn and donut peaches so much. And, of course, crazy carrots:

EPIC SAX GUY!!!

Blue Balls

The case settled. We picked a jury on Tuesday, then went to our judge. While we're there, let me point out that the state court method for jury selection makes no sense. Instead of having one judge assigned to each case, you show up to court on your trial date without any clue who the judge will be. You first go to a judicial hearing officer (a retired judge who reached the mandatory retirement age of 72), whose only role is to send you to the jury selection room, where you will pick your jury. If you're lucky, there will be another retired judge at the jury room to resolve any conflicts with jury selection. It's whack, yo!

You then talk to a bunch of jurors and try to come up with a jury. The whole process can take more than a day. In federal court, on the other hand, you have a judge from the start who runs the jury selection quickly. The whole thing is done by lunch on day one and is far more efficient. It's my guess that state court judges don't like jury selection and therefore delegated that annoying task to others. Also, state court cases will have more of the personal injury and smaller claims, which are likely to settle before the trial even starts.

Anyway, this case settled. And I didn't even get to do my opening! I had been practicing this thing for days. I made Nilda listen to it over and over again. I was all ready, and I didn't get to do it. Bummer. What I was really looking forward to was the closing.

P.S. - If I ever own a boat, I'm calling it "Not Penny's Boat." There, I called it. Dibs.

Quote Of The Day

If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be “meetings.”

• This truly captures all of our lives, doesn't it?
• I've given up on speaking Spanish. I tried ordering from the chicharron lady in Spanish and it wound up with me having no idea what she was saying while desparately trying to ask for one more piece. I speak too much Spanish for my own good, and not enough to do me any good.
• We're starting a trial tomorrow. Logically, I know that it's the kind of case that you'd dream about taking to court. Yet when you actually have to try it, all you can think of is the reasons why it's best to stay in bed.
• This trial is mine. I'm doing the opening, most of the witnesses, and the closing. Here's hoping I don't epically fuck this up.
• If we win, I will probably look something like this.
  

Teen Mom

Please help me. I put on this MTV reality show on Sunday just to see what it was and now I can't stop watching. It follows four teen moms through their white trash lives and dead beat (or dead) baby daddies and I'm hooked. Two girls stand out:

Farrah: She is the worst human being to ever live on this planet. She was a snotty cheerleader who got pregnant. The father of the baby died in a car accident and she was left raising the baby with her family. This would be a sad story if she wasn't such a complete and total brat. She dumps he daughter on her parents and then cops an attitude when they ask her to take responsibility for her life. Asshole. This season premieres with the mom getting arrested for punching Farrah in the face. I call that an amazing feat of restraint by the mother.

Catelynn: Catelynn is my hero. Despite the white trash family of her and her boyfriend Tyler (Tyler is awesome), the two of them are more mature than most lawyers I yell at. After considering both their lives and the life of their baby, they decided to give up their daughter for adoption. Most of the show is about how they miss their daughter and reconfirm that they made the right decision. They get engaged at 17 and you think it's a good idea.

P.S - The iPhone operating system 4.0 is terrible. It's slow, it freezes and many of my gps programs like runkeeper won't work. Fix it, Steve Jobs.

Food

I can tell from ze counter that most hits on the blog come on a Monday, after a weekend. That makes sense, but does not change the fact that most posts will come on Tuesdays through Thursdays, as far away from the weekends as possible. It's been a while, but the most I can offer is a blog about our eating adventures. Oh, the fun:

• Shake Shack: I'd heard about this place for years and we finally went, and damn was it worth it. After being disappointed by the big fancy burgers at places like Rare, I had accepted the fact that hamburgers were all uniform and boring. But Shake Shack is different. It's perfectly seasoned on a potato roll and is just incredible. And a black and white milkshake made with custard and fudge goes perfectly with the salty burger. It's not just for tourists, and it's worth the wait.
• Luke's Lobster: A NYMag article told me about how the price of lobster dropped due to an increase in supply due to the closing of a Canadian plant or something. Anyway, my bandwagon-induced craving for lobster led us to Luke's, which has the best lobster roll I've ever had. Lobster claws with no mayo on top of a toasted and lightly-buttered roll earns its place in the city's best cheap eats. Nilda and I agreed that the crab roll was good, but not in the same league as the lobster. And they just opened up a location right near Andrew.
• Pretzel M&M's: Have you tried these things? Amazing. As good as it sounds. On a side note, Coconut M&M's are good, but Nilda tells me there's not actually any coconut in them.
• I'm mad at corn. The agriculture industry has turned corn into the wonder vegetable and it pisses me off. Sugar should come from cane, not corn.
• La Reina De Chicharron: The sleeper of the city. A hole in the wall near our apartment in Inwood (holla!) is a branch of a chain based in New Jersey that sells the most amazing fried pork you ever had. About 20 years ago, some white guy realized that if he baked a slab of bacon and called it "pork belly" that everyone would like it. He was way behind the hispanics, who long ago realized that if you deep fry the same cut of meat, with the skin still on it, you have perhaps the most tasty dish ever made. I was standing in line for 10 minutes thinking how I never stand in line that long for food. Then the guy cut me a piece like I was at Katz's. I can't believe we've lived here a year and I'm only having this now. Chicharron = crack cocaine. And the yuca does not hurt. Well, it hurts your arteries, but who's counting.
  
  
  

Happy 4th

I never wanted to just write about stuff I was doing, but that's what you're getting. Keep reading, suckas!!

• The parents came in and we saw Next to Normal on Broadway, which was surprisingly good! Nilda and I don't really go to shows and we were very skeptical sitting in the theater. It was like waiting for a BarBri lecture to begin, when you think nothing good can come of this.
• We finally went to ABC Kitchen with Irene and Jeremy on Sunday and it was amazing. It's trying to play off the local and organic fad, but damn, was the food good. I need to find a recipe to make salted caramel ice cream.
• The city is great during a holiday weekend. Everyone leaves and it's kind of like the opening scene from Vanilla Sky.
• The fireworks are much better on tv than in person. In person, you just stand there watching them, wondering at each pause if it's over or not. On tv, there's music and narrators telling you what's happening and no crowds to deal with. Either way, you're bored within five minutes.
• I made sure to get in some Independence Day appropriate activities by watching an episode of The Revolution on The History Channel. Go, Amurica.
• Turns out our Benedict Arnold was a great, vain and ambitious (all the founding fathers were ambitious) military leader whose accomplishments kept getting ignored, so he got pissed off and joined the British.
• George Washington first gained recognition as a military officer when he surrendered and admitted to killing a French officer, which started the Seven Years War. He went on to become a wealthy landowner and state politician, until the revolution.
• John Hancock was the leader of the first revolutionary organization and thought he was a shoe in to lead the army, until his good friend John Adams nominated George Washington instead.
• Is it too hot to run? Yeah, it's too hot to run. Darn it!

Switching To Gmail

I finally did it. After months of agonizing and procrastinating, I am now the confused and regret-filled owner of a gmail account. Welcome to 2004. And, I don't have to worry about the young-uns making fun of my aol account. I never knew what it was to be old until I saw the open mouth gasp of the 26-year-old upon hearing that I, just now, after all these years, stopped using aol. But the truth is that I can't stand the gmail interface. Yeah, aol is annoying and slow and there's too much spam. But I knew all the shortcuts and now I have to learn everything all over again. I figure it will take at least 6 months before I'm fully comfortable with gmail. Bye, aol. I ain't missing you at all. Since you been gone. Away. I can lie to myself.

P.S. - I hit some buttons by accident and messed up the way the blog looks. Sorry.

The Cornelia Marie

The Cornelia Marie was built in 1989, after being commissioned by owner Ralph Collins. The boat was named after Ralph's wife, Cornelia Marie Collins. In 1990, Phil Harris bought into the ship. Cornelia ultimately took majority ownership of the boat after she and Ralph divorced. Phil continued as captain, while Cornelia operated her end of the business from Anchorage.

The Cornelia Marie fishes for King, Tanner, and Opilio crab, and also does salmon and herring tendering (hauling fish from smaller boats to canneries onshore). The ship was seen, but not named, in the two pilots of Deadliest Catch. It was featured in season 1 of the series and every season since, along with the Maverick, the Northwestern and the Time Bandit and the Wizard.

Captain Phil suffered a stroke on January 29, 2010. Several days later, while in the hospital, Phil awoke from a medically induced coma and, unable to speak, wrote a note saying, “Keep filming. There has to be an end to this story.” Captain Phil passed away on February 9, 2010, at the age of 53. His two sons, Josh and Jake, continue to work on the boat.

All this because Josh said on last night's episode that he was "going to call Cornelia."

One Year Later

June 19, 2010 made one year since we moved to the new apartment, and thank god. Remember all those blog posts about renovations? Remember how much that sucked? I sure do! I think back one year ago and remember all the things we didn't have, things like a toilet, a shower, a sink, curtains, food and cable. Yeah, I guess I don't need those things, but you get used to them. Call me spoiled.

One year later and I still love the apartment. It's great to have everything the way we chose it, despite the renovation flashbacks. The dishwasher is my best friend. Nilda did a great job decorating, too. I think that women would prefer a single guy who has no decorating sense whatsoever (me) over a guy who has his place fully decorated. A guy who decorates is an obstacle, where a guy like me means a blank slate, thus explaining my Barney-purple bedroom.

Air Supply

Air Supply haunts my childhood. I was about five years old in their heyday and I still shudder when I hear the name. I blame my sisters, who, for better or worse, taught me everything I know about music. Who knew a pair of theater nerds (one British, one Australian) who met while performing in Jesus Christ Superstar could be so terrifying. Check out this video for "Making Love Out of Nothing At All." It's worse than you remember. The premise is that a Sonny Crockett wannabe leaves his shoulder pad, power-suit wearing girlfriend. Hijinks ensue.

The crazy part is that AIR SUPPLY STILL EXISTS AS A BAND!! They even have a facebook page! It keeps me up at night, too.

Omar Listening

• We just finished season 3 of The Wire and goddamn is that an amazing show. The Wire is to tv what Phish is to music.
• I'm loving your blog, Jeff. I especially liked the post about the guy who died climbing Everest. Just because there are no comments doesn't mean there aren't any readers.
• I watched the USA/England World Cup game, so no one can say I didn't give it a chance. Soccer is a boring version of ice hockey. The Simpsons said it best, "Low scoring, fast kicking and ties."
• Nilda and I did nothing this weekend and it was wonderful. Man, I'm old.
• The farmer's market is finally coming back to life after the winter. I always looked for the largest strawberries at the supermarket, but it turns out the smallest strawberries are sweeter and much better. Did I just say that? Man, I'm old.
• Like it or not, this is a great song, once you can get past the hair, clothes and 80's synth. Andrew and I can prove it.
• The interns started at work and it seems to be going well. They haven't yet figured out that we're all full of shit. I give them another two weeks. Then we're screwed.

Snowball The Dancing Cockatoo

This is a video of a bird dancing to Lady Gaga. Come on, that's hilarious. But what's interesting is the scientific explanation. CBS had a piece on the significance of an animal not just mimicking dancing or jumping around, but actually following a beat. They think that the ability to keep a beat might be connected to the ability to speak, something birds and humans share. Maybe birds are smart, after all. Anyway...DANCING BIRD!!

I'm Too Sexy For My Job

All week, I've been seeing articles about the lawsuit filed by a former Citibank employee who claims that she was fired because her bosses claimed that she was too attractive. As someone who knows a little about employment law, it's touched a nerve.

My first reaction was, really? Too sexy for you job? This just seems like some sleazy lawyer looking for his name in the paper.

But when you look at the allegations a little more closely, there might be something to it. She was singled out from her coworkers. She was told what she could and could not wear. She was judged not on abilities or performance, but based on her looks. If you believe the plaintiff, which I always do, she was fired for it. If you believe her, she was treated differently because of gender, and definitely has a claim.

But still, too sexy? With those pictures? Why would the law want to protect this woman? And this isn't even a jury trial, since she had signed an arbitration agreement.

It all comes down to a strategic decision by the lawyer. He could have played it as a straight gender case, a strong claim that, at best, might get a short column on the daily news. Instead, he made it a flamboyant case about sex, taking sexy pictures that he knew would get into the paper. Its a harder case for him now. He's got to prove that she's sexy and, even more difficult, get an arbitrator to like her. If its a female arbitrator, that's rough (female arbitrators are notoriously skeptical to begin with). If it's a male arbitrator, that's even harder (he's got to tell his wife he ruled in favor of the sexy lady? "Sorry, honey, that's privileged.").

But the lawyer has successfully crafted an argument that led to national exposure and even earned an op-ed from Maureen Dowd. Once you realize it's this guy, it makes some sense.

The Art Of Not Blogging

It's deceptively alluring. You forget about it for a few days and life seems easy. Then you look back over the past few days and think about all the wonderful and amazing things that the world has missed. This one's for future generations:

• I'm back into hockey. I was into it in middle school and then again in law school, but I stopped paying attention after the player's strike in whenever that was. The Flyers make it to the Stanley Cup finals and I'm back into it.
• It's true, there's no such thing as a tv that's too big. Take a look at Forrest's (and Caryn's) new 65 inch tv.

• Now that I'm monopolizing the tv, I think I've finally convinced Nilda that we need a tv in the bedroom. Score.
• My parents have been on a two week trip through Eastern Europe, from Poland to Vienna. At my parents' insistence, we've had my mom's car for the past week and it's been great. Nilda started calling it "my car."
• Who goes to Poland for vacation? I guess they felt obligated to do the whole Jewish history/Auschvitz tour. But I'll choose Cabo instead any day.

Back To Running

It's amazing how coming back from vacation can kill any desire to exercise. Before Cabo, I was exercising all the time and watching what I eat. Now, I don't want the hassle. I'm even thinking about quitting myfooddiary.com. (Gasp!) In an effort to re-invest in physical activity, I went looking for a new running path this morning. I've heard that there is a path that goes down the west side starting at Dyckman Street (200th Street), so I figure I'd look for it. My first mistake was going through the shady looking gap in the fence. It was like going into Narnia.

The wardrobe leads to a dirt path in the narrow gap between the railroad tracks and the river. You'd never know this was Manhattan.

The path ends at about 181st Street, as displayed by a lovely ripped out section of chain link fence, which safely leads you out to the railroad tracks. Based on my extensive knowledge of railroads, derived from years of cartoons, I was careful not to get my foot caught in the tracks.

Still, being outside at 6:20 when it's light and warm, but not too warm (listening to Phish from '93, no less), it's hard to complain.

Happy Birthday, Stella!!!

Monday is Stella's __ birthday, and Nilda & I threw her a surprise birthday party at our apartment to celebrate! She was completely surprised, and it was a blast. The plan was for her to stop by with Nilda's cousin, Kristin, so that we could go out to dinner near our apartment. Apparently, she had been telling her neighbors that she was going out to dinner, even though they all knew about the party. She had no clue.

Nilda played Martha Stewart and the place looked great. This also meant me speaking Spanish to Stella's family and friends, which was even more awkward because it was in front of my parents, and you just know they're dying to see me speak Spanish. We had a ton of food (and Presidente!) and it was all great. Nilda made an amazing pernil (pork shoulder), but my dad still wouldn't try it. The best part was that I got to put all the alcohol out on display.


Happy __ Birthday, Stella. I'd tell you her age, but then she'd kill me. And she doesn't even go on the internet! We love you.

Congratulations, Andrew!

Andrew has always been a disappointment. But now, after years of whinning, complaining and yes, maybe a little hard work, my brother has finally earned a Master's Degree from New York University. With a focus on bullshit. Did you really write a 60-something page paper about food labels? He started the program about four years ago and, two kids later, is still a loser. But a highly-educated loser. Good job, dude.

And he's a wonderful father. Truly a role model for us all.

It Sucks To Be Home

We just got back from Cabo, and it's depressing. More than you can imagine. I guess that's a sign that it was a good trip, but still. The resort was amazing and the margaritas were even better. I have new found respect for tequila. And for drinking it before 11:00 am. From a pool bar. I don't want to go through all the details, but here are a few pics:

Ahh, Spring...

6 Days

• 6 days till we leave for Cabo on Sunday, staying until Friday. We're staying at the Cabo Azul Resort in San Jose de Los Cabos, which has great reviews on tripadvisor. It should be amazing.
• Here's the thing. We booked this trip in late February, I was excited, I couldn't wait to go, then the excitement passes. By the time you start getting ready for the actual trip, it feels like old news.
• Ask me how I feel when I'm lying by the pool with a margarita.
• MyFoodDiary.com has changed the way I look at food. It makes you accountable for whatever you eat. You have no idea how motivating an unhappy face can be.
• Things that I used to think were light turn out to be unhealthy. I would sometimes get buttered toast for breakfast. Not any more. That shit is bad for you!
• A salad from Chipotle is surprisingly healthy, if you skip the cheese, sour cream and salad dressing. I was ordering one the other day when the lady ignored me and dropped a huge spoonful of sour cream as I watched in horror. They scraped off as much as they could. That one bite with sour cream was by far the best part.
• I am not leaving Mexico without going to a taco truck.
• I'm back into running in the park again. I find that the best tool to get me to exercise is shame. I set the alarm clock early and shame myself into getting up. I am my own gym teacher.
• I think I've figured out how to run downhill. It sounds easy, but you wind up plopping your feet down and basically trying not to fall. The trick is to lean back and sort of trot down, as if you're hopping. I'm sharing. I help people.
• I'm sparing you all the interesting facts from the Phish biography I'm reading. Your loss.
• The best time to go for an annual physical is right before a vacation. You'll never be healthier.
• We finally got our wedding pictures. It's only been three years. They arrived on a dvd and I can't wait to get post them. Of course, this is the time that my dvd drive decides to stop recognizing cds in the drive, so I can't access them. Curse you, hp pavilion entertainment pc!
• In other news, Nilda's never-ending-fill-the-apartment-with-furniture continues with the addition of a new cocktail table, which I am advised is a great deal. Both people reading the blog? Meet the new cocktail table. New cocktail table? Meet both people reading the blog.

Goldman Sachs Is Evil

This is my understanding, based on this and this. Goldman Sachs, like every other bank, bundled together all kinds of terrible mortgages together into securities. Once Goldman realized that the market was going to tank, it asked John A. Paulson, a prominent hedge fund manager who recognized the housing bubble, to pick which securities he thought were most likely to go first. Goldman then bundled those securities into a new stock called "Abacus." This means that Goldman was selling its customers a product that it knew was going to fail.

At the same time that Goldman was selling Abacus, it was preparing to make money off of Abacus' failure. Goldman bought a fancy-dancy insurance on the Abacus stocks, which are called credit default swaps, from AIG. The swaps, sold by insurance companies like AIG, provide that a certain payment be made if a stock drops below a certain value.

When Abacus failed, as Goldman knew it would, Goldman went to collect the billions it had coming back to it on the swaps. AIG didn't have the money, Goldman didn't care. AIG had to get the money from somewhere or else risk failing, which it was too big to do. All of Wall Street counts on AIG as a safety net, and losing that meant the collapse of the system. So, the Federal Reserve has no choice but to step in and grant a $182 billion bailout for AIG, making sure Goldman makes its money. By the way, the head of the Federal Reserve, Henry Paulson, used to be the head of Goldman Sachs. This didn't motivate the bailout, but it might have helped prevent requiring any oversight or putting through new regulations.

Maybe Goldman Sachs isn't evil. It's not that they knew everything that would happen, just that they hedged their investments wisely and, when the market collapsed, had positioned themselves to make out well. Or, they're just evil and completely manipulated the system.

Math Class April Fools

Ben Folds

If you squint, you can kind of see Ben Folds at Town Hall last night. It was a great show. He's an amazing song writer and seeing him live shows how good of a piano player he is. For anyone who cares, he played Annie Waits, Narcolepsy and Army, among others. No Bitches Ain't Shit, unfortunately, but what can you do. I can see why he's touring without a band. He doesn't have to rehearse with anyone, can improve without messing other people up and doesn't have to share. The only thing was that it sometimes felt like it was Ben playing all his greatest hits. Still, loved it.

A few weeks ago, he was going on Chatroulette on stage, while improvising on the piano. If you don't know what Chatroulette is, welcome to last week.

There was an opening act, but I have no idea who they were. Gary tells me it was the chick who sings the facebook song.

P.S. - The last time I was at Town Hall was taking BarBri and we were sitting in the same spot. This may not mean anything to you, but it made me think that I had post-traumatic stress disorder.

P.P.S. - If anyone knows how to keep the embeded videos from getting cut off, please tell me. Help.

Bad Bad Romance

This is Nicole if she were an overweight 8-year-old boy. The world needs to know.

Live Blogging The Trial: Day 5

Defense verdict. I don't want to talk about it.

Look, it was a tough case to begin with. We wouldn't have been at trial if it wasn't. I thought we put in a good case, thought. But maybe I'm too close. You can't really prepare for a trial without getting emotionally invested. I wonder how I would have felt if I had just heard the case for the first time, like the jury did.

At least - I feel - we got a fair shot. We knew when we started the lawsuit that this was a possibility. We signed up for this. I just hate that the asshole defense lawyer is now high-fiving himself. You're weren't that good, dickhead.

Jeff once wrote on his blog that you can't grow unless you leave your comfort zone. I've thought a lot about that the past week and I couldn't agree more. The next couple of days will suck, but I think we're better off for the experience.

Live Blogging The Trial: Day 4

I killed the expert. I felt good about the other witnesses I did during this trial, but this was different. I don't want to sound full of myself, but I beat the shit out of him. I found an article he wrote 11 years ago and tore him apart with it. I had this professional expert, who's done this many more times than me, shaking. I don't think he ever expected it from this twerp. America's got talent, bitch!

The evidence is in and the end is in sight. You could tell that it was a short day from the way the jury was dressed. They were all in nice clothes because they had to go to work afterwards.

We have summations tomorrow afternoon, jury charges and then the case goes to the jury. We would prefer the case to go to the jury on Thursday morning instead of the late afternoon on Wednesday. The concern is that the jury won't want to come back the next day and will reach a defense verdict just to end it. The jurors have been watching this story for a week now and have not been allowed to talk about it with anyone. They're going to want to talk about it. I also think they're going to be surprised by the different opinions they hear when they finally are allowed to talk about the case.

To answer all of you, yes, I have been making eye contact with the jury. Not crazy-I'm-gonna-stalk-you stares, but just not looking away. I don't know it makes any difference. I've got a job to do and making sure I stare at the jury isn't part of that.

Like in most cases, I think the case will be won or lost on summation. Yes, the jury makes up its mind early on, but the closing, when all the pieces of the puzzle are brought together, is where their opinions are cemented. I've decided not to start thinking about the outcome until after the closing. I've got a lot to worry about and shaking confidence isn't going to help. It's a hard case, but it went in well.

Live Blogging The Trial: Day 3

We have a full day of trial and then I spent most of the night preparing to cross the defendant's medical expert tomorrow morning, so this is going to have to be quick.

It's amazing how much the case can change after a day and a half of trial. Even after all the preparation we've done, all of Friday was dedicated to recalculating our strategy and figuring out how to handle the rest of the trial. Witnesses that we thought were essential were suddenly no longer needed. Even the defendant reduced their witness list. The case has become much

tighter.

Even though we can't speak to them, you can tell that the jury's demeanor has changed. Whereas they were trying to get out of jury duty, now they are invested and active members of the trial. They understand the importance of their role and take it seriously. Ironically, they know that the significance of their role gives them a certain freedom. The female juror who wore a suit on day 1 wears sweatpants on day 3.

I've been re-thinking this whole eye contact with the jury thing. Yes, I try to look at them, but I don't want to creep them out. But when I'm doing cross examination, I'm more focused on the witness than the jury, which is how I feel it should be. A cross examination is a lot like an open mic. You have a short amount of time to make your point before the crowd gets bored. You've got to put on a show to be memorable.

We have the last witness tomorrow and then the charging conference, to finalize what the judge will tell the jury as to the law they have to follow. Summations and jury charges will follow on Wednesday afternoon, since the judge is busy on Wednesday morning. It's good to be the judge. The jury will begin deliberations on Wednesday, we'll probably have a verdict on Thursday. I think our case is going in well, but don't ask me how I think the jury is going to find. I haven't thought about that yet.

Live Blogging The Trial: Day 2

• Things move a lot faster than I had imagined. Questioning that I had thought would take an hour took 10 minutes.
• Cross examination is much easier than direct. You can plan out cross question by question. Every question on direct, to a friendly witness, comes with the threat that your witness will say something stupid.
• And if your client messes up, the judge will blame you. And that will mean the jury will blame you, so you're screwed.
• After being so invested in our version of the facts, its jarring to hear the other lawyer ask questions. A case is like a novel with two authors who can't stand each other.
• Some lawyers make eye contact with the jurors, but that's just weird to me.
• I questioned a minor witness today. I did the got to do the whole walk up to the witness with a piece of paper and say "I'm showing you what's been marked as Exhibit blah blah blah." It felt a lot more stupid than I thought it would.
• One witness with a thick accent said that he was a "master baker" today. Three times. Hehehehe.
• Our trial strategy has slimmed dramatically in two days. People we thought we needed are now off our witness list. It's interesting to see how, after years of work, a case actually presents at trial.
• We're off tomorrow, back to court on Monday. We're expecting to rest on Monday. We may be able to close on Tuesday.

Live Blogging The Trial

So we started a trial today. I know that I said we were starting a trial a few weeks ago, but that one settled. This one, despite my best hopes, is actually going forward, and I'm on board. There have been no real settlement discussions (or interest from the defendant), so we're going forward with nothing to lose. I've decided to enjoy it.

Today was jury selection and openings. We were out by 1:00 pm. You have to love federal court. Contrast this with my experience on jury duty a few weeks ago in state criminal court, where it took more than one day to pick a jury for a 2 day trial. This was a different experience, but you can count on people to do everything they can to get out of jury duty. The irony is that everyone who actually sits on a jury enjoys the experience and talks about it every opportunity they can. "It was really interesting," seems to be the universal description.

Anyway, we've got a jury and our client takes the stand tomorrow. You spend years preparing for this moment and there it is. Everyone builds up trials, but it's really not such a big deal when you're there. You go in, you try your case, and the jury sees what it sees. What's not to like?

In far more important news, Nilda won a bid on a new chair. I'm told that my life is now complete. Hooray, he said dryly. (The truth is, the chair is wicked comfortable and it's the same one that Jack Donaghy has on 30 Rock. It rocks, but don't tell Nilda I said that).

In Defense Of Times Square

Yes, Times Square is loud, crowded and full of zombies infected with the tourism. But the new pedestrian zones have made it tolerable. There's more room to avoid the tourists, who travel in herds. And the tourists, they're all so happy to be there. Even the snotty teenage girls can't help but feel cool and take pictures of themselves. It's nice to see people enjoying Times Square, even if it's a cliche for you. I'm not saying go and hang out there, but walking through isn't so bad.

Beating The Neighbors At Monopoly

The neighbors came over on Saturday and, over Nilda's objections, we had a massive game of Monopoly. We all know that I can take Monopoly a little too seriously, but this game was different. This wasn't like playing with lawyers. There was no merging. There were no hard core negotiations. There was no long discussion of rules, full of hypotheticals and policy arguments. This was just a straight up four-person death match. And it didn't end pretty. Check out this board.

I got the green monopoly, which everyone knows is the best monopoly, and all of the railroads. Really. And this was after I negotiated immunity on the yellows. I was even able to put monopolies on the dark blues, which everyone knows is a waste. It's not that I wanted to be so successful in the cut throat world of paper money real estate, it just happened. Sorry, Mike and Jen.

The game finally ended when I landed on free parking, at a time when I absolutely didn't need it.

Thanks for coming over, Mike and Jen. Hope to see you guys real soon after the baby is born. The lesson of the evening: Brian takes Monopoly way too seriously. Don't mess with the master.

How To Talk Like A Lawyer

Notes taken while defending a deposition, for the benefit of mankind:

• Never give an exact date. Everything is "approximately."
• Use phrases like "in or around" instead of "-ish."
• "Yes" or "no" or any similar definitive answers are not acceptable. Usually.
• If you have something insightful or revealing to say, don't ever write it down.
• You are never wrong. If you do happen to be wrong, make a big deal about it to show everyone how magnanimous you are.
• Use big words like "magnanimous."
• If you can't remember something, say you can't remember "at this time," so that you can "remember" later on.
• Say "I don't recall" instead of "no."
• Use the phrase "refresh your recollection," even though it sounds creepy.
• If you are going to mischaracterize what someone has said, start off by saying, "I don't want to mischaracterize what you said, but..."
• Invite people to speculate by asking them not to speculate. For example, "I don't want you to speculate, but..."