It Sucks To Be Home

We just got back from Cabo, and it's depressing. More than you can imagine. I guess that's a sign that it was a good trip, but still. The resort was amazing and the margaritas were even better. I have new found respect for tequila. And for drinking it before 11:00 am. From a pool bar. I don't want to go through all the details, but here are a few pics:

Ahh, Spring...

6 Days

• 6 days till we leave for Cabo on Sunday, staying until Friday. We're staying at the Cabo Azul Resort in San Jose de Los Cabos, which has great reviews on tripadvisor. It should be amazing.
• Here's the thing. We booked this trip in late February, I was excited, I couldn't wait to go, then the excitement passes. By the time you start getting ready for the actual trip, it feels like old news.
• Ask me how I feel when I'm lying by the pool with a margarita.
• MyFoodDiary.com has changed the way I look at food. It makes you accountable for whatever you eat. You have no idea how motivating an unhappy face can be.
• Things that I used to think were light turn out to be unhealthy. I would sometimes get buttered toast for breakfast. Not any more. That shit is bad for you!
• A salad from Chipotle is surprisingly healthy, if you skip the cheese, sour cream and salad dressing. I was ordering one the other day when the lady ignored me and dropped a huge spoonful of sour cream as I watched in horror. They scraped off as much as they could. That one bite with sour cream was by far the best part.
• I am not leaving Mexico without going to a taco truck.
• I'm back into running in the park again. I find that the best tool to get me to exercise is shame. I set the alarm clock early and shame myself into getting up. I am my own gym teacher.
• I think I've figured out how to run downhill. It sounds easy, but you wind up plopping your feet down and basically trying not to fall. The trick is to lean back and sort of trot down, as if you're hopping. I'm sharing. I help people.
• I'm sparing you all the interesting facts from the Phish biography I'm reading. Your loss.
• The best time to go for an annual physical is right before a vacation. You'll never be healthier.
• We finally got our wedding pictures. It's only been three years. They arrived on a dvd and I can't wait to get post them. Of course, this is the time that my dvd drive decides to stop recognizing cds in the drive, so I can't access them. Curse you, hp pavilion entertainment pc!
• In other news, Nilda's never-ending-fill-the-apartment-with-furniture continues with the addition of a new cocktail table, which I am advised is a great deal. Both people reading the blog? Meet the new cocktail table. New cocktail table? Meet both people reading the blog.

Goldman Sachs Is Evil

This is my understanding, based on this and this. Goldman Sachs, like every other bank, bundled together all kinds of terrible mortgages together into securities. Once Goldman realized that the market was going to tank, it asked John A. Paulson, a prominent hedge fund manager who recognized the housing bubble, to pick which securities he thought were most likely to go first. Goldman then bundled those securities into a new stock called "Abacus." This means that Goldman was selling its customers a product that it knew was going to fail.

At the same time that Goldman was selling Abacus, it was preparing to make money off of Abacus' failure. Goldman bought a fancy-dancy insurance on the Abacus stocks, which are called credit default swaps, from AIG. The swaps, sold by insurance companies like AIG, provide that a certain payment be made if a stock drops below a certain value.

When Abacus failed, as Goldman knew it would, Goldman went to collect the billions it had coming back to it on the swaps. AIG didn't have the money, Goldman didn't care. AIG had to get the money from somewhere or else risk failing, which it was too big to do. All of Wall Street counts on AIG as a safety net, and losing that meant the collapse of the system. So, the Federal Reserve has no choice but to step in and grant a $182 billion bailout for AIG, making sure Goldman makes its money. By the way, the head of the Federal Reserve, Henry Paulson, used to be the head of Goldman Sachs. This didn't motivate the bailout, but it might have helped prevent requiring any oversight or putting through new regulations.

Maybe Goldman Sachs isn't evil. It's not that they knew everything that would happen, just that they hedged their investments wisely and, when the market collapsed, had positioned themselves to make out well. Or, they're just evil and completely manipulated the system.

Math Class April Fools

Ben Folds

If you squint, you can kind of see Ben Folds at Town Hall last night. It was a great show. He's an amazing song writer and seeing him live shows how good of a piano player he is. For anyone who cares, he played Annie Waits, Narcolepsy and Army, among others. No Bitches Ain't Shit, unfortunately, but what can you do. I can see why he's touring without a band. He doesn't have to rehearse with anyone, can improve without messing other people up and doesn't have to share. The only thing was that it sometimes felt like it was Ben playing all his greatest hits. Still, loved it.

A few weeks ago, he was going on Chatroulette on stage, while improvising on the piano. If you don't know what Chatroulette is, welcome to last week.

There was an opening act, but I have no idea who they were. Gary tells me it was the chick who sings the facebook song.

P.S. - The last time I was at Town Hall was taking BarBri and we were sitting in the same spot. This may not mean anything to you, but it made me think that I had post-traumatic stress disorder.

P.P.S. - If anyone knows how to keep the embeded videos from getting cut off, please tell me. Help.

Bad Bad Romance

This is Nicole if she were an overweight 8-year-old boy. The world needs to know.

Live Blogging The Trial: Day 5

Defense verdict. I don't want to talk about it.

Look, it was a tough case to begin with. We wouldn't have been at trial if it wasn't. I thought we put in a good case, thought. But maybe I'm too close. You can't really prepare for a trial without getting emotionally invested. I wonder how I would have felt if I had just heard the case for the first time, like the jury did.

At least - I feel - we got a fair shot. We knew when we started the lawsuit that this was a possibility. We signed up for this. I just hate that the asshole defense lawyer is now high-fiving himself. You're weren't that good, dickhead.

Jeff once wrote on his blog that you can't grow unless you leave your comfort zone. I've thought a lot about that the past week and I couldn't agree more. The next couple of days will suck, but I think we're better off for the experience.

Live Blogging The Trial: Day 4

I killed the expert. I felt good about the other witnesses I did during this trial, but this was different. I don't want to sound full of myself, but I beat the shit out of him. I found an article he wrote 11 years ago and tore him apart with it. I had this professional expert, who's done this many more times than me, shaking. I don't think he ever expected it from this twerp. America's got talent, bitch!

The evidence is in and the end is in sight. You could tell that it was a short day from the way the jury was dressed. They were all in nice clothes because they had to go to work afterwards.

We have summations tomorrow afternoon, jury charges and then the case goes to the jury. We would prefer the case to go to the jury on Thursday morning instead of the late afternoon on Wednesday. The concern is that the jury won't want to come back the next day and will reach a defense verdict just to end it. The jurors have been watching this story for a week now and have not been allowed to talk about it with anyone. They're going to want to talk about it. I also think they're going to be surprised by the different opinions they hear when they finally are allowed to talk about the case.

To answer all of you, yes, I have been making eye contact with the jury. Not crazy-I'm-gonna-stalk-you stares, but just not looking away. I don't know it makes any difference. I've got a job to do and making sure I stare at the jury isn't part of that.

Like in most cases, I think the case will be won or lost on summation. Yes, the jury makes up its mind early on, but the closing, when all the pieces of the puzzle are brought together, is where their opinions are cemented. I've decided not to start thinking about the outcome until after the closing. I've got a lot to worry about and shaking confidence isn't going to help. It's a hard case, but it went in well.

Live Blogging The Trial: Day 3

We have a full day of trial and then I spent most of the night preparing to cross the defendant's medical expert tomorrow morning, so this is going to have to be quick.

It's amazing how much the case can change after a day and a half of trial. Even after all the preparation we've done, all of Friday was dedicated to recalculating our strategy and figuring out how to handle the rest of the trial. Witnesses that we thought were essential were suddenly no longer needed. Even the defendant reduced their witness list. The case has become much

tighter.

Even though we can't speak to them, you can tell that the jury's demeanor has changed. Whereas they were trying to get out of jury duty, now they are invested and active members of the trial. They understand the importance of their role and take it seriously. Ironically, they know that the significance of their role gives them a certain freedom. The female juror who wore a suit on day 1 wears sweatpants on day 3.

I've been re-thinking this whole eye contact with the jury thing. Yes, I try to look at them, but I don't want to creep them out. But when I'm doing cross examination, I'm more focused on the witness than the jury, which is how I feel it should be. A cross examination is a lot like an open mic. You have a short amount of time to make your point before the crowd gets bored. You've got to put on a show to be memorable.

We have the last witness tomorrow and then the charging conference, to finalize what the judge will tell the jury as to the law they have to follow. Summations and jury charges will follow on Wednesday afternoon, since the judge is busy on Wednesday morning. It's good to be the judge. The jury will begin deliberations on Wednesday, we'll probably have a verdict on Thursday. I think our case is going in well, but don't ask me how I think the jury is going to find. I haven't thought about that yet.

Live Blogging The Trial: Day 2

• Things move a lot faster than I had imagined. Questioning that I had thought would take an hour took 10 minutes.
• Cross examination is much easier than direct. You can plan out cross question by question. Every question on direct, to a friendly witness, comes with the threat that your witness will say something stupid.
• And if your client messes up, the judge will blame you. And that will mean the jury will blame you, so you're screwed.
• After being so invested in our version of the facts, its jarring to hear the other lawyer ask questions. A case is like a novel with two authors who can't stand each other.
• Some lawyers make eye contact with the jurors, but that's just weird to me.
• I questioned a minor witness today. I did the got to do the whole walk up to the witness with a piece of paper and say "I'm showing you what's been marked as Exhibit blah blah blah." It felt a lot more stupid than I thought it would.
• One witness with a thick accent said that he was a "master baker" today. Three times. Hehehehe.
• Our trial strategy has slimmed dramatically in two days. People we thought we needed are now off our witness list. It's interesting to see how, after years of work, a case actually presents at trial.
• We're off tomorrow, back to court on Monday. We're expecting to rest on Monday. We may be able to close on Tuesday.

Live Blogging The Trial

So we started a trial today. I know that I said we were starting a trial a few weeks ago, but that one settled. This one, despite my best hopes, is actually going forward, and I'm on board. There have been no real settlement discussions (or interest from the defendant), so we're going forward with nothing to lose. I've decided to enjoy it.

Today was jury selection and openings. We were out by 1:00 pm. You have to love federal court. Contrast this with my experience on jury duty a few weeks ago in state criminal court, where it took more than one day to pick a jury for a 2 day trial. This was a different experience, but you can count on people to do everything they can to get out of jury duty. The irony is that everyone who actually sits on a jury enjoys the experience and talks about it every opportunity they can. "It was really interesting," seems to be the universal description.

Anyway, we've got a jury and our client takes the stand tomorrow. You spend years preparing for this moment and there it is. Everyone builds up trials, but it's really not such a big deal when you're there. You go in, you try your case, and the jury sees what it sees. What's not to like?

In far more important news, Nilda won a bid on a new chair. I'm told that my life is now complete. Hooray, he said dryly. (The truth is, the chair is wicked comfortable and it's the same one that Jack Donaghy has on 30 Rock. It rocks, but don't tell Nilda I said that).

In Defense Of Times Square

Yes, Times Square is loud, crowded and full of zombies infected with the tourism. But the new pedestrian zones have made it tolerable. There's more room to avoid the tourists, who travel in herds. And the tourists, they're all so happy to be there. Even the snotty teenage girls can't help but feel cool and take pictures of themselves. It's nice to see people enjoying Times Square, even if it's a cliche for you. I'm not saying go and hang out there, but walking through isn't so bad.

Beating The Neighbors At Monopoly

The neighbors came over on Saturday and, over Nilda's objections, we had a massive game of Monopoly. We all know that I can take Monopoly a little too seriously, but this game was different. This wasn't like playing with lawyers. There was no merging. There were no hard core negotiations. There was no long discussion of rules, full of hypotheticals and policy arguments. This was just a straight up four-person death match. And it didn't end pretty. Check out this board.

I got the green monopoly, which everyone knows is the best monopoly, and all of the railroads. Really. And this was after I negotiated immunity on the yellows. I was even able to put monopolies on the dark blues, which everyone knows is a waste. It's not that I wanted to be so successful in the cut throat world of paper money real estate, it just happened. Sorry, Mike and Jen.

The game finally ended when I landed on free parking, at a time when I absolutely didn't need it.

Thanks for coming over, Mike and Jen. Hope to see you guys real soon after the baby is born. The lesson of the evening: Brian takes Monopoly way too seriously. Don't mess with the master.

How To Talk Like A Lawyer

Notes taken while defending a deposition, for the benefit of mankind:

• Never give an exact date. Everything is "approximately."
• Use phrases like "in or around" instead of "-ish."
• "Yes" or "no" or any similar definitive answers are not acceptable. Usually.
• If you have something insightful or revealing to say, don't ever write it down.
• You are never wrong. If you do happen to be wrong, make a big deal about it to show everyone how magnanimous you are.
• Use big words like "magnanimous."
• If you can't remember something, say you can't remember "at this time," so that you can "remember" later on.
• Say "I don't recall" instead of "no."
• Use the phrase "refresh your recollection," even though it sounds creepy.
• If you are going to mischaracterize what someone has said, start off by saying, "I don't want to mischaracterize what you said, but..."
• Invite people to speculate by asking them not to speculate. For example, "I don't want you to speculate, but..."

Breaking News

• Breaking news: Nilda and I are going to Cabo the first week in May for our third anniversary. The problem with planning a vacation is that you have to sit and wait months for it. The more pressing problem is that this gives Nilda plenty of time to attempt to get my sorry ass in shape.
• Now that it's getting warm again, I'm back to running again. I'm going through the park listening to Phish, like it's months ago.
• Thank God February is over. Winter is something to survive. Once February is over, you can see the end.
• The storm over the weekend was worse than I thought. Trees were falling and shit! Someone woke up on Sunday and learned they were having a bad morning.

• The most popular blog post ever: "Zodiaq Bianco Carrara Quartz Countertop Compare Look Review." At least twice a week, I get a spam comment on this post. Finally, I have earned the recognition and public approval I deserve.
• I've signed up for myfooddiary.com to keep track of what I'm eating. It's amazing how motivating a little sad face because you (a) didn't exercise today or (b) had too many saturated fats and/or sodium, can be. Curse you, Haagen Daaz!
• Nilda luuuvs her design shows and now she's got me hooked on Sarah's House. It's a Canadian show where this Candadian designer buys a Canadian house and renovates it. She goes through all the headaches and problems of a renovation and somehow comes out the other side with a great house. Once you can get beyond the Canadian accent ("Let's check the prohgress on the hause."), it's addictive. Curse you, Nilda!
• P.S. - Zima still exists. Seriously.

Badass Of The Day: Matt Lauer

Karl Rove was the architect of the Bush agenda, yet he's largely been forgotten. He's safe on Fox News and, at most, a relic of a long ago time we're all happy to forget. Now he even has a book out re-writing history. So who's the one holding him accountable? Who's the only person out there asking questions that can make Rove squirm? Matt friggin' Lauer. I always thought of Matt Lauer as the cheesy guy with Katie Couric. But he ripped Karl Rove's balls out through his ass and then mailed them to Dick Cheney. Good job, Matt.

Oscar Picks

Oscar picks have nothing to do with the movies. The winner selected is either (1) the person everyone wants to win, otherwise known as who's turn it is, or (2) the person or film that the most amount of voters have an incentive to win, which explains why Crash won best film. This is why I rock the office Oscar pool. Here are this year's picks:

• Picture: Avatar
• Director: James Cameron
• Actor: Jeff Bridges
• Actress: Sandra Bullock
• Supp. Actor: Christopher Walz
• Supp. Actress: Mo'Nique

The real race this year is between Hurt Locker and Avatar for best picture and, James Cameron and Kathryn Bigelow for best director. The common belief is that one movie will win for director, the other for best film, though no one can tell which movie will win for which category. I say that both of those voters will cancel each other out and that Avatar will win for both. Yeah, there's some new system of voting, but I don't understand it so it doesn't matter. You are mine, $75.

P.S. - The return of Mary has not been lost on me. Keep writing, we're loving it. It's good to have you back.

Running

As anyone who knows me is already aware, I am a health and fitness nut. Exercise and a healthy diet is extremely important to me. Since we've moved, I've enjoy running through Inwood Hill Park in the mornings on pretty much a daily basis. There are a few times, however, when running is simply not possible. Let's take a look. I can't run:

• When it's cold.
• When it's hot.
• When it's dark.
• Uphill.
• Downhill.
• When I'm tired.
• When I have to get up early.
• When I'm going to be up late that night.
• In the rain.
• In the snow.
• When it looks like it might rain or snow.
• When I don't feel like it
• Daylight savings time.
• Jewish high holidays.
• And everyone's favorite, when Nilda tells me I don't have to.

As you can see, my motto is just do it. No excuses, Nilda.

SNL: Olympics On Telemundo

Goodbye, Suit

Goodbye, brown suit. It's been wonderful. We've seen a lot together. You showed me what the color "mushroom" is. But it's time to move on. I tried to delay this for as long as possible. I designated you the suit I wear in the snow, but even now that is too much. It's the end of an era. Goodbye, old friend. Te extrano .

The Apple Store...

...is an age discrimination case waiting to happen. I went in there tonight and saw only people in their 20's and 30's. It's like Children of the Corn, where people who reach a certain age are sent off into the corn to be sacrificed to He Who Walks Behind the Rows. He wants you too, Malachai.

I get the logic for wanting only young faces in the store. Apple wants to project an image that is hip and cutting edge, and thinks that it needs young employees to accomplish that. It also plays off the stereotype that only young people are good at new technology.

But this logic doesn't hold up in reality. If you've got a question at the store, you're only going to be able to talk to some kid with no real experience. It's like speaking to the assistant manager at Wendy's. They even have the same headsets. People who have been with Apple for years will be removed just as they become valuable, in favor of a kid with no experience. It also sends a terrible message to new employees. A job with Apple is a job with no future. Luckily for Apple, the kids they hire don't think that far ahead.

People should be judged based on their experience and qualifications, not just on their age. This policy based on age keeps out the experienced people that are in the best position to help the company. The longevity and experience that has let Steve Jobs turn Apple into the company it is today is tossed aside in favor of a young face. Jobs is too old to work in one of his own stores.

I'm not saying I'm camping outside of the Apple store looking for clients. But if you're sent into the corn, give me a call.

Shani Davis

Shani Davis is now the first speed skater to win two consecutive gold medals in the 1,000 race. While not a badass of the day, he's interesting enough to earn a post.

• Davis started on roller skates when he was 2. He started ice skating at age 6. His mother, Cherie Davis, worked for an attorney with a speed skating son who recommended that Davis try speed skating.
• When he was very young (around 10), Davis and his mother moved from the south side of Chicago to the North side so he could be close to a speed skating ice rink.
• Davis is an African-American athlete in an all white world. His mother, a single mom, has earned a reputation for being overprotective and overly aggressive.
• When Davis' mother mentioned Michael Phelps’s mother, another single mother of a world-class athlete, she said, “she talks about all they had to go through. I have to laugh. She has no idea.”
• Davis said of his mother, "Some of the best things in my life have happened to me because I listened to my mother. And some of the worst things in my life have happened to me because I listened to my mother."
• In the 2006 Olympics in Turin, Italy, he won a gold in the 1,000 meters and a silver in the 1,500.
• Davis was accused of making the 2006 team because his teammate Apolo Ohno eased up in a race. An arbitrator determined discredited that claim but Davis was still pissed about it.
• Davis is primarily a long track speed skater, but also trains as a short track racer. He is known as one of the best turners in the sport (he doesn't lose speed going into turns), which he credits to his short track experience.
• Davis does not train or travel with the US team or use the same coaches. He gets along great with everyone from other countries. Speed skating is an individual sport and Davis thrives on the competition. He does not want to give anything away.
• Davis is barely known in the US, but is a huge star in the Netherlands, where speed skating is the country's most popular sport.
• Stephen Colbert made a big push to support the US speed skating team. Davis called Colbert a "jerk," possibly in response to Colbert's skit that was satirical against Canadians. (Colbert and Davis have since reconciled, and all is right in the world.)
• Davis relies on a panel of coaches rather than one single coach. He looks at them almost like consultants to address specific issues.
• He is 6-foot-2 and 185 pounds, which is large for long track and a giant for short track.
• Davis' website has a flash intro page and everything. He's even got a logo.

The Winter Olympics

I love the Olympics. I love watching competitors who have spent their whole lives training for sports that I've never seen or heard of before. Even if it's not important to the rest of the world, it's important to someone. What's not to like. Here's a history on some of the various sports, some of which are surprisingly recent:

The Winter Olympics - The first international multi-sport event specifically for winter sports were the Nordic Games, held in 1901 in Sweden, and were then held every four years thereafter. The organizer, General Viktor Gustaf Balck of Norway, was a charter member of the International Olympic Committee and tried to have these games included in the Olympics. Figure skating was included in the 1908 summer games in London and a week of winter sports were held at the 1912 Olympics in Stockholm. The games were suspended in 1916 due to the outbreak of World War I. An "International Winter Sports Week" was to be held at the 1924 Olympics in France, which soon was retroactively designated as the first Winter Olympics, featuring 16 events.

Biathlon - The biathlon tests the balance of rifle marksmanship with physical exertion. It started out as an exercise for Norwegian soldiers in the 1800s, as an alternative training. The first club was formed in Norway in 1861, to promote national defense at the local level. The biathlon, then called "military patrol," was held at the games in 1924, but did not become an Olympic sport until 1960. Women were first permitted to compete in the Olympic biathlon in the 1992 games in Alberta.

Luge - Like the skeleton and the bobsled, luge originated at a hotel in the health-spa town of St Moritz, Switzerland, in the mid-to-late 1800s. The first recorded use of the term "luge" is from 1905, coming from either the French word meaning "small coasting sled" or a Gaulish word with the same root as English sled.English guests began adapting delivery boys' sleds for recreation, which led to them learning how to steer. Ultimately, a "half-pipe" was built in 1870 to avoid pedestrian collisions, at track which is still in use today. The first organized meeting of the sport took place in 1883 in Switzerland. The luge became part of the Olympics in 1964.

Ski jumping - Ski jumping originates from Norway, where Olaf Rye, a Norwegian lieutenant, jumped 8.5 meters in 1809. The first proper competition was held in 1862. Ski jumping has been part of the Olympics since 1924, though the Large Hill competition was not included until the 1964 games in Innsbruck. The IOC rejected a proposal to allow female ski jumping in 2009. A Canadian judge ruled that while the IOC's policy was discriminatory, Canada did not have jurisdiction over the IOC.

Speed skating - Speed skating dates back over a millennium to Scandinavia, Northern Europe and the Netherlands, where the natives added bones to their shoes and used them to travel on frozen rivers, canals and lakes. Skating for recreation did not develop until the 1500s. In 1592, a Scotsman a skate with a iron blade. The first official skating club opened in 1642 and the first race took place in 1763. The sport became popular in North America in the mid 1800s, where the all-steel blade was developed, which was both lighter and sharper. Speed skating was supposed to be held at the 1916 Olympics, until it was put off because of WWI. It was part of the 1924 Olympics. Short track originated in North America and was officially sanctioned in the 1970s, becoming an Olympic sport in 1992.

Figure skating - "A Treatise on Skating" (1772) by Englishman Robert Jones, is the first known account of figure skating. In the mid-1860s, an American named Jackson Haines introduced a new style of skating, which incorporated free and expressive techniques. Haines is now considered the "father of modern figure skating," though his style was not adopted in the United States until long after his death. The International Skating Union was founded in 1892 and the first World Championship was held in 1896. Women competed for the first time in 1902. Pairs skating was introduced at the 1908 World Championships. Figure skating debuted at the Olympics in 1908.

Superbowl Halftime

The Who was awesome. Yeah, they've been around a while, but they know exactly who they are and don't give a shit what you think. It was the best halftime show since U2 in the Superbowl after 9/11. Next year, though, it's time for the big guns. I'm pushing for Chuck Mangione.



By the way, we're picking a jury in federal court tomorrow, a woman fired after she came back from cancer. I may not be blogging for a little while, as a result. Please, try to cope, as hard as the thought may be.

8 O'Clock Ranch

No one should be this excited about meat. Nilda and I signed up for a CSA ("community sponsored agriculture") with 8 O'Clock Ranch, a beef, pork and lamb ranch in up up upstate New York near the border of Canada. A CSA essentially allows you to purchase a "share" of a particular farm, a designated amount for a specific price. This means that between March and May, Nilda and I will be getting a shitload of meat. Here's why this is awesome:

• All of the cattle and sheep are grass fed, like they always were until corporate agriculture thought it would be cheaper to change everything and feed them grains.
• The fat in the meats have a yellowish twinge, from the beta-carotene in the grass.
• A six-ounce piece of grass-fed beef has about 100 calories less than its grain-fed counterpart.
• The animals are "humanely raised," meaning that there are no unhealthy living conditions or feedlots and the animals are free to pasture. Babies stay with their moms until weaned.
• The meat is dry-aged, which you won't find at the grocery store and makes the meat taste so much better.
• It's a tastier, better steak than I've ever had before. We got NY strip steaks before and it was the best I'd ever had. Even the ground beef is better than the supermarket.
• We had tried beef from a different ranch about a year ago that was good, but no where near as good as 8 O'Clock.
• They do not use any pesticides, hormones or herbicides. They only use antibiotics if the animal has a life-threatening illness (the last time was 3 years ago) and, then they will not include it in their herd.
• They are not "certified organic," which is because they don't want to have to comply with the expensive and, they say, unnecessary paperwork requirements to be designated organic.
• The bacon is, literally, the best bacon I've ever had.
• It's surprisingly well-priced. Not cheap, but no where near what you'd expect, and definitely cheaper than the specialty meat shops.
• It's a small family-owned organization that works the land themselves. When you call to place your order, you're talking to one of the owners. Nilda and Kassandra are on a first-name basis.
• The cuts are individually vacuum-sealed and delivered frozen by overnight delivery.

Since the CSA half-share we got doesn't start until March, the right thing to do was buy a shit-load of meat to last us the rest of February. The pic above is what we just got delivered. To prove it, here's the receipt:

Here are the short ribs Nilda's making on Sunday, when Andrew and Harley come over with the kids for the Superbowl:

Harley's not allowed to have any. And check out this porterhouse:

Food tastes better when you know where it's coming from. Btw, Food, Inc. was nominated for an Oscar. Holla!

Jon Stewart On Obama's Meeting With The GOP

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The Wire: Season 1

I promised Irene that if she lent me Season 1 of The Wire, I'd follow up in a blog post, so here it is, Irene. Yes, The Wire is incredible. An amazing show. Even Nilda loved it and, believe me, it was not easy to get her to start watching. Even then, it still took a few episodes to get her into it.

In trying to write why I like the show, I realize that I'm only blogging for the people who read this who actually watch The Wire. Both of them. Irene and Jeff. Hey, guys. You got me to watch it so thanks. Everything about it is complicated. Even at the big conclusion, no one is happy about the resolution. A cop show that I could actually like. Season 2: Disc 1 is number one on the netflix queue. Ok, that's enough.

By the way, Irene, this post on your "blog" was amazing. (It's about the relative size of everything in the universe so save your comments, people.)

Live Blogging The State Of The Union

Man, is this boring. I feel like I should watch it but I don't want to. Let's move on.

Yes, The Wire is a great show. We're up to episode 6 of the first season and we're totally into it. Naturally, I looked it up on wikipedia. It's written by a former police reporter who had previously worked on Homicide: Life on the Streets. NBC didn't like the show's pessimism so he took The Wire to HBO. HBO didn't want a police drama, but took a shot and here we are. More than a police drama, it's about life in a city, where everything is interconnected.

I need a new email address. It used to be that creating a clever email address was as important as coming up with a great answering machine message. Now, the kids can't come up with anything better than firstname_lastname@gmail.com. Therefore, my email address that is not only "boywonder" but is on aol!!! is just not cool enough. Kids today. Humpf.

Nilda and I had dinner at the CIA over the weekend (which was great) and discovered the Vesper martini. 3 parts gin, 1 part vodka, 1/2 part lillet blanc, shaken over ice, not stirred, until cold. It's what James Bond drinks. How is this not perfect?

We stayed at a bed & breakfast when we were upstate for the weekend. Bed & breakfasts are weird. You're basically staying at a stranger's house and then they make you eat there in the morning. What kind of a person wants to invite strangers over to their house and make them eat stuffed french toast the next morning? I don't get it. Still had a great time.

Tips For New Laywers

• The law is like Tetris. You get yourself into problems and have to work your way out of them.
• Legal research is probably your most significant task at this point. It is representative of everything else you will do in the law. If one query doesn't work, keep finding another way around the issue and don't give up.
• Do not underestimate the importance of picking up lunch during a trial. It's one of the most important jobs you have.
• Write it correctly the first time. It's less work over all. Don't wait to insert citations later on.
• Trusting your client doesn't mean believing everything he says. It's your job to make sure his story makes sense, and that means questioning his story.
• Simplify your writing. Think about what you want to say, then say it. Put your main point of the paragraph in the first sentence of the paragraph. Don't try to write your way out of a problem.
• One of the worst things that can happen to you is if your client lies. The smallest lie is harder to deal with than biggest truth.
• Taking a deposition is like riding a bike. It looks really hard, until you learn how to do it. Then it makes sense.
• Any douchebag can point out the problems. The valuable douchebags solve those problems.
• Prepare fallback arguments for oral argument. Know what you will say if the judge rejects your main argument.
• Prepare a backup to your backup.
• Do not lose the moral high ground by making an argument that even you don't agree with.
• When the judge starts talking, shut your mouth.
• If the judge is making your case for you, shut your mouth.
• Don't piss off court clerks. They can be miserable people who hate their jobs, but they have entirely too much power for you to piss them off.
• Experience is the only way you will ever truly learn.
• Deal with small problems before they become big problems.
• Do not be fooled by the comfort of inaction. It may be easier to do nothing, but it's never a good idea.
• If you get nervous about a deposition or a court appearance, remember that no one in the world is better prepared or more capable than you are because you know the topic better than anyone else.
• If you are given responsibility for something, it means you can do it.
• Do your homework. Google is your best research device.
• Decide carefully how you will do things. The habits that you develop now will stay with you for the rest of your life.
• Keep track of your hours. Find a system that works for you and use it.
• For God's sake, keep your desk clean. If you're done with a file, put it away.
• Don't make arguments that don't make any sense. This is harder than it sounds when you're following the letter of the law.
• Don't think out loud, especially in front of your adversary.
• Your value is your ability to make decisions on your own.
• Be willing to stand up to your boss. If you don't show him or her that you have a backbone, they won't think you'll have one with anyone else. Don't push it.
• When all else fails, make a scene.

Books

It's amazing how productive calling Mary out on her lack of blogging has been. Good job so far, Mary. I'm making a note to put in your permanent record. Anyway, everyone seems to be blogging about the books they're reading and I'm not going to be left out. Let the fun begin:

• Game Change: This is the book by the NYMag columnist I like and some other guy that tells the behind the scenes story of the 2008 election. I read the excerpt in NYMag about John and Elizabeth Edwards. I love reading histories of social movements and this one reads like a thriller. It's an obvious choice for me.


• K2: Life and Death On the World's Most Dangerous Mountain: Everest: Beyond the Limit got me interested in mountain climbing again and the article in last Sunday's NYTimes about K2 got me interested in that mountain. This book just came out in October and is a history of different expeditions to climb K2, including the 2008 disaster that led to the deaths of many climbers. I was hesitant to get this one because it was written by Ed Viesturs, a master climber which therefore makes him a douchebag whose book I don't want to read. But this one seems to good to pass up. Matt called dibs.


• Teach Yourself Better Handwriting: Because I'm making an effort. I've always had bad handwriting. Yes, people from work, I recognize there is a problem. I remember that at the end of second grade, my teacher showed me something I had written at the beginning of the year and something I wrote the day before. She said, "Look how much better your penmanship was at the beginning of the year." And she was write, my handwriting had been much better at the beginning of the year. Unfortunately, it's only gotten worse over time and now only I can read what I write. On the other hand, I'm an excellent typer. Or is it typist? Either way, pens are for dorks.


• American Pastoral: This is a 1997 Philip Roth book that won the Pulitzer. I've started it and it's incredible, absolutely amazing. I was enveloped within a few pages. The only words I can use are visual. It's a beautiful, intricate book. I'm on page 37.

On another note, Nilda and I are two episodes in to season 1 of The Wire. It's hard to get into a show that's been so hyped up, but we're giving it a shot. Thanks to Irene and Jeff for recommending the subtitles, it's a big help. I'm impressed so far with how many levels the show operates on, how conflicted and how real the issues appear. Like the sergeant who wants is upset that one of his officers hit a kid and blinded him in one eye, yet still feels compelled to defend him. We'll see.

The Avatar Screenplay

The Little Jersey Shore

I'd thank my sister Julie for the link, but she doesn't read the blog. Ham!

The Great Oyster Experiment

I had never had an oyster until Nilda and I started dating. For those of you who don't know why, it's because they're tref, non-kosher, something that did not fit into the Heller's kosher-style lifestyle. Needless to say, oysters are amazing. I've only had them at restaurants, however, and had never opened one myself. So when we saw oysters at the farmer's market, the Great Oyster Experiment began.

Nilda thought I was going to cut off a finger and was instantly against the oysters. Because I respect and listen to my wife, I went out and bought an oyster knife. We searched all over Inwood for an oyster glove, with no luck. You try translating "oyster glove" at C-Town.

Before we knew it, Saturday was oyster day. $10 per dozen for local oysters which is pretty good. I convinced the lady to give me the big mutha, which was bigger than most of the other oysters combined. In retrospect, I think she was trying to teach me a lesson.


I read up and watched youtube videos on how to shuck and got to work. I soon realized that it's not as hard as everyone makes it out to be and I probably didn't need my $1.99 work gloves. You jam the oyster knife into the only crevace that makes sense and push, turning the knife to pop off the shell. When you scrape the oyster from the top and bottom shells, trying to preserve as much of the juice as possible, you'll understand why the oyster knife is shaped the way it is.

Only a few were problematic, more of a learning curve than anything. When the oyster is long, you have to be careful not to break the top shell in half. The giant oyster seemed like a good idea, but the shell fell apart when I shucked it and it wasn't as good as the more medium-sized oysters. The Great Oyster Experiment was a success. And they said it couldn't be done...Nilda.

P.S. - I'm sparing you a post about the vanilla bourbon ice cream I made today. Yeah, I'm domesticated, you got a problem? I'll cut you with my oyster knife.

The Provisional Return Of Mary

The power of The Most Important Blog In The Universe. Less than 24 hours after being called out for abandoning the blog, Mary decided to come back to the fold.

Welcome back, Never Negotiate With Toddlers. As per the handbook, your return is subject to a 90-day probationary period. We will sit down and review your progress at the end of the probationary and determine whether you are eligible for permanent reinstatement. Congratulations!

Nilda Watched Grey's Anatomy Without Me And I'm Confused About My Feelings

I was out tonight for work, "lecturing" at a bar association. I was joking that it sounds prestigious, but I'd rather be home being forced to watch Grey's Anatomy at home. Then I finally get home and Nilda watched Grey's Anatomy without me.

How am I supposed to feel about this? Upset? Relieved? My initial reaction was to be upset that she didn't wait for me. This obviously doesn't make sense because since when have I looked forward to Grey's Anatomy. If she had watched The Vampire Diaries without me I wouldn't care. Does this mean I actually like watching Grey's Anatomy? Have I been using the "forced" line as a cover for liking this terrible, terrible show? Who am I?

How Could You, Mary?

It is time. The following blogs have been removed from the links to the right. It was starting to look like a graveyard over there. Sure, it was a great idea at the time to start a blog, right? Let's say goodbye:

• Don't Be So Dramatical (last post June 20, 2009): Harley started out strong, had a few really long posts, then fell off. I think she made each post such a herculean task that continuing to blog just became harder than it was worth. Goodbye.
• Never Follow A Hippie To A Second Location (last post April 28, 2009): I'm not sure exactly what Jen Simon was planning on with this. It seemed like she was trying to find a place to showcase all the stuff she found on the internets, which soon became more of a chore than anything else. It was only a matter of time. Adieu.
• Never Negotiate With Toddlers (last post September 16, 2009): I liked Mary's blog a lot. I thought she got the right tone and insights that made it interesting. I liked when she wrote about the funny stuff her kids did. Then she got pissed off and quit. That sucked. Bye bye.
• Climbing Out of This Hole (last blog unknown): This was Mary's alternative blog, where she planned to chronicle the story of a family's changed circumstances. Then she gave up and we lost this blog, too. Farewell.

Boy, I feel better. Like a big weight off my shoulders. Now I'm going to have Haagen-Dazs chocolate peanut butter ice cream, otherwise known as the best ice cream of all time.

Yup, It's A Blog

• I need to clean up the links you see to the right. I'm starting by deleting links to blogs that have been abandoned. I'm looking at you, Mary.
• We've started watching The Wire. We're giving it a shot.
• I'm dying to read the new book about the 2008 election, Game Change. And man, I need it. Politics have been boring since George Bush left office. I never thought I'd say this, but I miss George Bush.
• I've seen a lot of blogs recently (including mine) talking about how they're going to try to do better to keep up blogging. At first I thought that meant that blogging is dying. Now I just think that it's in a lull and will come back when something interesting happens. As much as the news is on a 24 hour cycle, there seems to be an overarching 6 month cycle on top of it.
• Our federal trial scheduled to start on January 19 got pushed back to February 9. The judge told us that there are five criminal trials and five civil trials set to start that day. The criminal trials get priority and the judge did not believe that there would be enough jurors for our trial. FYI - trial season has begun. We've got four scheduled for the upcoming months.
• The Eagles lost the Cowboys this weekend and it was depressing. This is the reason why I hate George Bush (for those of you who don't know, this is Bush with the owner of the Cowboys):

New Year's

The Most Important Blog In The Universe has been busy. Doing stuff. Kind of important. And stuff. Anyway, here are pics from New Year's:

Damn, I'm sexy.

The Kings (not shown, Greg's old roommate Alex):

Gary & Ellie


We went to Keen's Chophouse, which I had never heard of before but apparently is famous and great. A couple of us ordered the porterhouse for three "very extra rare." Before:

After:

We all went back to Jeremy & Irene's place in Brooklyn, and Nilda and I stayed over. Jeremy had a cigar soon after midnight, which was a great idea to have after three Manhattans and steak. He turned various shades of green and was gone within minutes. He woke up the next morning very proud that he was able to get to his bed on his power. Good times.

We watched The Hangover the next day and it was hilarious, as good as the hype. Irene showed us some Zach Galifianakis interviews, "Between Two Ferns" and they were hilarious.

Between Two Ferns with Zach Galifianakis from Between Two Ferns

Between Two Ferns with Zach Galifianakis from Between Two Ferns

Between Two Ferns With Zach Galifianakis from Between Two Ferns

P.S. - The eagles went from being the hottest team in football to being a sure fire loser to the cowboys. The cowboys! I don't want to talk about it.

P.S.S. - I still love the dishwasher. With all my heart.

The Most Important People Of The 2000s

No one seems to know what to call the 2000s. I heard the "naughts" or the "aughts" and those are terrible choices. The natural term seems to be "the 2000s" so that's what we're going with, people. The Most Important Blog In The Universe has spoken. And while we're at it, we're calling the next decade "the teens." And I swear to God, Irene, I'd better not get any posts about how this isn't really the start of the next decade since it won't "officially" be the teens until 2011 because no one cares except you. It's and Its are still fair game.

Anyway, here's a non-exhaustive list of the most important people of the last decade, in no particular order:

• George W. Bush: Unfortunately, he shaped the decade and the world. I still wonder what it would have been like if Gore had won.
• Osama Bin Laden: It's who was important, not who was good.
• Obama: The choice of a new generation. He's the brightest and most positive thing to come out the 2000s. Of course he deserved the Nobel.
• Jon Stewart: He was the only real social commentator that mattered, reminding everyone what the news media is supposed to be. Stephen Colbert runs a close second.
• Bill O'Reilly: He energized a segment of the right that has now become a mainstream political force, at a time when Rush Limbaugh was forgotten in a cloud of prescription medications. There would be no Sarah Palin or Glen Beck without him.
• Alan Greenspan: He got us into this mess, but at least has the decency to admit it.
• Justin Timberlake: Yes, this one is embarrassing to admit, but he went from boy band fluff to respected musician. The music industry is better because of him.
• The Guy Behind TMZ: Whoever invented this not only made people look at bloggers as a respected news source, but, unfortunately, made news sources act more like bloggers.
• Tina Fey: She brought political satire back to SNL and became the nonthreatening voice of the urban liberals.
• Michael Moore: He reinvented the documentary and, for better or worse, became the symbol of the angry left.
• Judd Apatow: Sensitive dorks are back. And they brought weed.
• Steve Jobs: This was the decade of the ipod and the iphone, neither of which would exist if it weren't for Jobs. He may be an ass, but he pushes the boundaries of technology all by himself.
• Simon Cowell: No one escapes American Idol.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!

All Apologies

Blogging is hard, people. You have to make time to think of something to say, then actually take the time to write it. It's not as easy as it sounds. I see that I had a burst of interest on Monday. That's not surprising, in retrospect, since everyone has been trying to kill time at their desks all week. I'm not looking forward to getting back into the swing of a rough work week. Anyway, I'm back. For now.

Random Boring Shit

• Hanukkah is not a religious holiday. It celebrates a revolt by a bunch of fanatics who turned out to be totalitarian zealots that ultimately could not hold onto power. Read David Brooks' column.
• Irene has me terrified about my "its" and "it's." "Its" really annoying.
• I read about a professor in Tel Aviv who is writing that the early Jews were not monotheistic. Moses said that there shall be no other gods before God, not that the other gods didn't exist. Now you know. You're welcome.
• I never would have thought that people would be so interested in Tiger Woods' affair. It seems that people projected so much of what they believed in hard work and talent on him that they feel let down. He was an icon, kind of like Bruce Springsteen, who turned out to be more human than anyone wanted him to be.
• I liked Obama on 60 Minutes. I trust that whatever he's doing, mistakes included, is exactly what I would be doing, and I like that. I'm still in the cult.
• Nilda and I are watching Dwarf Adoption. I have no idea why.
• Electric Box is a terribly addicting, but amazing iphone game. Curse you, Cousin Bill!
• Finally, I won the football pool. This, of course, is because I am AWESOME.
• Go Iggles.

That's A Dealbreaker

Goodbye, alarm clock. We've had some good times together. I got you at K-Mart in 2001, back when your cd player was actually an attractive feature. We've gone from the East Village, to Murray Hill, to Washington Heights, to Inwood. But now you're snooze bar isn't working, and how can anyone expect to function without a snooze bar. I'm sure you understand. I'll miss you.

How To Set Up A Christmas Tree

I always said I'd never have a tree, but here we go. First, you have to go out in the rain/sleet/snow on Saturday and pick out a tree before frostbite sets in. There are about 100 trees, but you're only allowed to choose between the two that the guy selects for you. And don't mess with that guy because he's been in the cold for a lot longer than you with only a port-a-potty to keep him company and he will cut you. Then he sticks the tree into one of those funnels they use to kill chickens and you're stuck with it.

After you walked home in the rain/sleet/snow and had to take several breaks because Nilda talks about how heavy the tree is and switches ends and then changes her mind until you decide to just pick the damn thing up yourself and carry it the rest of the way home which you should have probably done in the first place, you're ready to begin step 2. Set up the tree in five minutes and then spend the next 20 washing the sap off your hands and dustbusting up the fallen needles. Get used to dustbusting, it's part of the fun.

Step 3, pull out all of the ornaments that you had meticulously arranged in a box last January and start putting them up. You will say that you don't want to do this, but will inevitably be conscripted into helping. Nilda will start to lose steam after putting the lights up so you have to help to keep the momentum going. Make sure the Eagles ornaments get a prominent location. Garland = pain in the ass. Here it is, in all it's goyisha glory, with the shot that Nilda insisted upon to show perspective.

Last, but not least, you have to put all the empty boxes that the ornaments came in into a larger box. This is Brian Work as Nilda needs help with the spatial orientation. I blame a severe Tetris deficiency that Nilda suffered growing up. That's why The Most Important Blog In The Universe supports the Gameboy For Every Child Initiative.

Once the tree was up, we attended our new building's annual holiday party. Nilda made coquito for the first time (it was amazing!) and it was a huge hit. It's the undisputed principle of Christmas: white people love coquito. We also took this opportunity to play the "you show me yours, I'll show you mine" game of showing off our apartment. Hands down, Nilda has the best kitchen and bathroom in the building. I just live here.

The building likes to sing songs while musicians in the building play along. I swore I wouldn't sing, but before I knew it I was singing about how Our Lord Has Come and Our Savior Is Born. I move to New York, the Jewish capital of the world, only to sing Christmas carols with a tree in my home. Go figure. But we sang the dreidel song TWICE, so that apparently makes it even.

The best part about the process was that I finally got Nilda to go to Applebee's where I learned why and how America is obese. I also heard my new favorite song for the first time. THAT'S NOT MY NAME!

The New Gin

For my birthday, Stella got me a bottle of a boutique gin, just like I wanted. She got me a gin called "Geneviere" that is an old-style "genever" gin, as opposed to the london dry gin that we’re all used to. Instead of being a vodka flavored with juniper berries, it’s essentially a whiskey flavored with juniper berries. And it’s horrible. It’s like medicine with a bouquet of vomit. Who wants to try it?