Homeowners

We finally closed today. Everyone at the closing was amazed at how easy it all went, but don't tell that to Nilda. We stopped by the new place tonight and finally opened that bottle of '98 Dom Perignon we got as a wedding gift. For me, tonight was a reprieve from the renovation hell I am about to enter. I'll take it.

Grey Gardens

Grey Gardens is the story of a mother and daughter in East Hampton, Long Island, who came from a wealthy depression-era family that, over time, lost all their money and retreated from the world into their house. They are cousins of Jackie O, but that is not the main part of the story. They've sort of become a camp classic about an isolated mother and daughter who think they're still high society. The daughter had dreams of becoming a performer, but ultimately stayed with her aging mother. The house became so filthy that it was literally rendered inhabitable, a condition that was captured in magazine articles and a documentary. Here's the really boring trailer for that movie:



I only bring this up to prove to Nilda that Grey Gardens has a lot in common with Gilmore Girls. Not that they're at all the same story, but there are certain significant similarities. Let's look at the facts:

• Both stories involve a mother and daughter relationship (although I'll concede that Gilmore Girls shows a far more positive relationship).
• Both mothers and daughters are Sr./Jr. (Big Edie & Little Edie v. Lorilai & Rori).
• Both engage in witty banter that drives away all the men in their lives.
• Both are families that came from money, but no longer have any.
• Both mothers are divorced and the closest relationships in their lives are with their daughters.
• Gilmore Girls referenced Grey Gardens on two separate episodes (thanks, Wikipedia!), proving that even the writers of Gilmore Girls saw a connection.

So you see, Nilda, I was right all along. And now it's written on the internet, so you know it's true.

Jeremy Maclin

Andrew's post of a Cowboys fan's disappointment in learning that the Eagles drafted Jeremy Maclin got me wondering about who this guy is. Check out his highlight reel. This guy is fast and strong, and he's a wide receiver can run out of the backfield. He's the perfect accompaniment for Westbrook. Yes, I'm ready for some football.

Football On The High Holidays

This interview encapsulates my feelings about the NFL games that were scheduled for Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur. Sorry, no embedding available. This link came from Mom. Yes, Mom! I know!!

Stealing From Irene's Blog

Thanks, Desolution Boliviation!

Yankee Stadium

Andrew's in-laws sent Andrew and I and his brothers-in-law, Jon and Adam, to the Yankee game tonight at the new stadium, and it was sweet. Thank you, Neil and Paula! We had a great time. And surprise, I have a blog, read by millions of adoring fans all of the world. You're famous now. Here's a quick recap:

• It doesn't matter that the website specifically says that backpacks are allowed, you still can't bring in your briefcase. Why were you looking at the website when the little sign outside the stadium specifically contradicts it? Luckily there's a bar nearby that has made a very clever business as a bag check.
• When taking a walk around to check things out, you're going to need a beer for the walk. We recommend Heineken, which was surprisingly kick ass at the stadium.
• It's amazing how under the right circumstances, $11 for a beer is a reasonable value.
• Andrew and I tried to get away with showing only Andrew's ID by pointing out that we were identical twins. The woman looked at us, smiled and got really excited, then asked for my ID.
• Two sausage hot dogs with onions & peppers + large nachos with everything = good idea for Andrew and Brian.
• Apparently, Yankee fans do not like anyone wearing a Red Sox hat.
• Baseball games are a good opportunity for Andrew and I to talk about Battles BC, potential blog posts, and how we should play a show again.
• Johnny Damon hit a home run. This was a lot more exciting than it is on tv.
• Tonight was a lot of fun, but damn I miss football.

Obama's Handshake With Chavez

How is this not the exact picture we would want to have of Obama's first meeting with Chavez? I first saw this picture on Saturday morning and was elated to see how Obama is changing the US' relations with Latin America. Instead of a bully who refuses to listen, we have a President who knows that he will only be able to make progress with oppressive nations by being a friend, not an enemy. These countries obviously won't be pressured into granting basic freedoms, so it's time to try a different approach.

Only by shaking hands will Obama get any leverage to convince these countries, like Venezuela and Cuba, to show a real commitment to human rights. If that doesn't work, then we're back where we started (make the lifting of all trade restrictions conditional on certain benchmarks), but at least the US maintains the moral high ground. It's more of a start than anything Bush ever did.

Then this morning I have to hear Newt "the Dewche" Gingrich bitching about how Obama should not have shown the common courtesy of at least shaking the man's hand, and how we should continue the ridiculously stupid policy of demanding complete compliance with all US demands before giving any ground. Newt believes that we should stick to the policy that has proven to be an abysmal failure. He focuses on how the world will perceive Obama but ignores how now, Chavez will no longer be able to call the US the devil. The pressure is now on Chavez to change, not on Obama to do anything. Newt ignores all this and advocates a failed policy just for the sake of coming up with some kind of opposition.

Bottom line, Newt heard all the chatter from last week about how he should run for President in 2012 and has decided to make a go for it starting this morning. By all accounts, he seems off to a great start for Obama.

My First Call To Andrew's New Job

I went over Andrew's place last night after work. On the way to his place, I called his new work for the first time to see if he was there. He does not have voicemail and someone picked up. I knew exactly what would happen the moment she heard my voice. Here's a transcript of that phone call:

"Hello (nice, British accent lady)."

"Hi... Is Andrew Heller there?"

"Nooo, I'm sorry, he's just stepped out."

"Ok... This is his brother Brian..." (wait for it).

"OHH!! I was about to say, isn't this Andrew? Are you sure you're not Andrew!"

"No, this is his brother."

"OH MY GOD!!! YOU SOUND JUST LIKE HIM!!! That's incredible!!"

"Yeah, that's what Mom says."

"OH MY GOD!!! That is amazing. You sound JUST LIKE HIM!!!"

"Yeah, that's what they tell me..."

"I can't believe this! I'm going to need to put you on speakerphone, so that everyone can hear."

"Ok..." (speakerphone didn't work out, but she tried)

"All right, I'll jut call his cell. Thanks."

"Ok, well you are definitely going to have to stop by so we can get a look at you. Wow, that is amaaazing!"

I never get annoyed when people who know only Andrew get weirded out by me, since I know how weird twins are. Then I finally got to Andrew's house and me the new babysitter Julie for the first time. She looked at me strangely and said, "Oh my God! I've seen identical twins before, but you guys are really identical!"

Mannahatta

NY Magazine had another article this week about what New York City looked like before the Europeans arrived, when it was known as Mannahatta:

• There was a deep fresh water lake downtown that was a main hub of native civilization. The lake was ultimately poisoned by the tanning industry and had to be drained by a canal (now Canal Street), after which the area turned into the slum neighborhood known as Five Points.
• The largest settlement of the Lenape Indians was in Inwood. Manhattan was used primarily as a summer residence.
• Here's a pdf showing the original borders of the island. Inhabitants would walk to what is now the Bronx by walking over "the Wading Place," near 220th Street and Broadway.
• Manhattan was almost a paradise, full of animal life (but not the wolves) and natural forest. Henry Hudson noted how suitable good the island was for ship-building.

I love this stuff and I'm not sure why. It's amazing to think that all the concrete and buildings that we all think of is new and, most likely, only temporary. It also helps to relieve those horrible, horrible kid's songs that have been stuck in my head since spending the weekend with my nieces. I don't know how Andrew can take it:

Thank You

This is the actual thank you card that I sent to Uncle Allan and Aunt Sheila after my Bar Mitzvah, when I was 13:

"Uncle Allan, Aunt Sheila, Lisa and Amy,

Thank you very much for your gift. I want you to know that I spent it all on drugs and whores. All of it. Send more if you got some. By the way, I hope you're enjoying my Bat Mitzvah cards as much as I am. Mazel tov on your achievement.

Love,

Brian"

Perhaps The Funniest Commercial Nilda And I Have Ever Seen

Phoenix

I saw this band on SNL over the weekend and was very impressed. They sound like the Strokes but seem to be less pretentious, even though they're...French. I wonder why I haven't listened to them before. They played these two songs, both of which should be on their new album coming out in late May. But since that will be right after we close on the new place, I, of course, will not be able to afford air.

The Burden Of Blogging Presses Upon Me At All Times

Yesterday, I had this great idea while walking outside for a post called "Live Blogging The Internal Monologue." I was going to have a rant of bullets like, "Is ER still on tv?" "I'm glad its Saturday," "I'll never not be into Phish," "Is it just me or is Lost really good again?," "Seaman and Dyckman (streets in Inwood)...hehehe," and the ever controversial, "I think they've made daylight savings time start too early because, among other things, (a) just when it starts getting light when I wake up, I suddenly have to deal with waking up in darkness and (b) I no longer get that sudden change where it's both warmer and lighter out after work." It was a good idea, but then I sobered up and it lost its charm.

Nilda and I checked out the beer distributor at 207th Street and the river today. It was heaven. Imagine a gigantic warehouse filled with not just beers from all over the world, but anything you can imagine. You want Strawberry Sunkist? They got it. They even have a room stocked with Sunny D, if you're into that kind of thing. Needless to say, Brian was very excited:

They even have every kind of Boone's you could hope for:

We picked up a six-pack of Leffe Blonde and a ceramic growler of Belgian porter, because you just can't walk out empty-handed. Then we took a look at the East River. Nilda, would you please model the river for us?

Thank you, sweetheart, that was wonderful. And happy 23-month anniversary. I'm getting you a case of Yoohoo.

Fear Of Pickles

Hopefully this informative video will spread awareness about this devastating and debilitating disease that is sweeping Jewish delis everywhere.

This Guy Is Awesome

It's amazing to me how comfortable this guy is being President. Beyond his ability to capably juggle many issues at the press conference, here's an article about how the Obamas are seen all around town, including at neighborhood restaurants. Here's another article about how Obama has tried to bring the black media into the fold. He is the first President to invite Ebony magazine to a press conference and skipped over established journalists to give that publication a question. This does not seem like much now, but has the potential to establish a broader appeal and greater relevance for black media.

Obama is the new Michael Jordan. I've even started working out in the mornings.

Inwood

As you are all aware, the Hellers are moving to Inwood. Yes, Nilda, you're a Heller now. Fine, you can be Jewish too. I never thought that I would live so far north, but I'm really excited about moving there. The only local street that goes into Inwood from the rest of Manhattan is Broadway, giving the neighborhood a separate feel from the rest of the city. These are some pictures Nilda and I took a couple of weeks ago in the park, in the brief amount of time I had before Nilda got too cold:

That's me holding a carton of apple cider we got at the farmer's market, which is there every Saturday. Farmer's markets are awesome! You get to spend a lot of money for tiny, misshapen apples with holes in them.

Here's a tennis court that's nearby. Nilda and I are talking about how we could play tennis there, an idea we expect to be laughing about hardily, months from now. However, if you hear yelling and a lot of cursing, you know we're trying:

This is a picture of birds that Nilda made me take. I have no idea why this was such an important picture, but here it is. Nilda, this is your punishment. What did we learn???

Here are some other points that the public needs to know about Inwood:

• Peter Minuit's "purchase" of Manhattan from the Lenape Indians on May 24, 1626 allegedly took place in Inwood. There is a plaque marking what's believed to be the spot of the sale in Inwood Hill Park. I hope they used a coupon.
• Kareem Abdul-Jabbar and Jim Carroll (who wrote "The Basketball Diaries") are both from Inwood. Really? Are those the best people we have. Fine, then. Barak Obama is from Inwood. Yeah, that's the ticket.
• Inwood Hill Park is the last natural forest standing on Manhattan Island and contains a natural salt marsh. Nilda's standing in front of it in the picture above. I still don't know what a salt marsh is, but they have one there if you're into that kind of thing.
• The area was first developed in 1906 when the IRT train (the "1") opened, with many houses built east of Broadway. There was a second boom when the IND subway (the "A") was built, when many of the area's art deco buildings, like ours, were built west of Broadway.
• The neighborhood was initially populated by Irish immigrants, which gave way to a large Dominican population, until the awful, horrible yuppies moved in.
• There are also a lot of classically trained musicians up there, and you KNOW those people like to party.
• The area is not known for its restaurants, but there are a couple of really good ones, including Park Terrace Bistro, a Moroccan place owned by a husband and wife, Mamajuana, a fancy Latin-American place, and Grandpa's Brick Oven Pizza, which has great thin crust pizza. Too bad that buying this place means we will never, ever be allowed to eat out again.
• Best of all, our apartment is almost across the street from PJ Liquor Warehouse, probably the greatest, most amazing, best selection and best prices of wine and liquor store I've ever been to. Nilda and I go there every so often and stock up, now I can stop by on the way home. Goodbye liver, hello weight gain!!
• It's the last stop on the A. At first that sounds terrible, but then I realized that I'll always get a seat and, best of all, there is a bathroom in the station, as a safety precaution for tequila shots. Finally, you're safe, tunnel at the 190th Street station.
• Like with most neighborhoods in New York, some residents can get a little obsessive. One has even started an Inwood blog, which I have to admit I'll probably wind up reading. I promise, here and now, never to blog exclusively about the neighborhood, but only about things that will matter only to my readers, meaning Andrew and Nilda.

The New Apartment

In early February, Nilda and I found an apartment that we loved. Nilda found the listing on Friday morning, we went to see the apartment on Saturday morning, and by Monday evening we had made an offer. After six rounds of counteroffers, we finally signed the contract in early March.

To be honest, I'm getting a bit sick of the process. Nilda made me go look at appliances this weekend. This meant spending two hours on the subway to go to BUMBLEFUCK BROOKLYN to go to some place that Nilda said we just HAD to go to. After looking at all the brands and styles and features, I had an epiphany on Friday night that kitchen design could be an enjoyable process. I was simultaneously longing for the time when it would be over. All I want is an ice maker, Nilda, that's all I want.

Anyway, now that we are "in contract," I'm finally able to blog about the place. It's a fantastic pre-war art deco apartment, in fantastic condition. The only thing that needs to be updated are the kitchen and bath, which, you can probably guess is the best possible scenario for Nilda. Here are some pics, check out the archways and the herringbone floors:

Here's the main bedroom, there's a dining room that will serve as a second bedroom:This picture was taken on the first day we saw the apartment. You can see Nilda thinking, "Hmmm, how can I do this in a way that's most expensive?"

That other woman in the picture is our broker. She's great, and really outgoing for a hobbit. Here's the kitchen. As Nilda says, "All this is gonna go..."

The bathroom is a hideous shade of 1940s golden urine. I had to fight to keep the tub ("A standing glass shower is so much more elegant, Brian!"), but I think I won that one. Everything else is going to be changed.

We can't move in until the bathroom renovation is finished. You can live without a kitchen, but you can't live without a toilet. We're hoping to close in late April. Nilda told me the other day that I'm going to have to start being more handy. Nilda, I've been thinking about it, and I'm not going to be doing that.

One of the best features of the apartment is the neighborhood, Inwood. I would have never thought I'd be excited to live someplace so far north of mid-town, but it's really a great place to live. It's got a small town feel, but it's still on the subway. There's more, but I'll save that for another post.

Obama's Message To Iran

It's amazing that after all the furor and fear that the Bush administration sold on Iran, Obama's positive message to the Iranian went pretty much unnoticed this week. That is has been such a non-issue shows that this is what everyone wanted, all along. It's also smart, since the Iranian people have always been more liberal than their leaders and took to the streets in protest on 9/11. The message was well timed, too, as it comes before the elections this summer. Obama's message of working together has a much better chance of success than any of Bush's threats.

Obama's NCAA Picks

I'm not into college basketball. I'm not into basketball to begin with, but college especially. There's too many teams and I don't have the patience or attention span to care. But I love that Obama went on ESPN to share his tournament picks. It shows decisiveness in the face of many factors, both known and unknown. It's also nice to have a President that can hang. For the record, I'm going with his picks.

Imprisoned In A Cellar For 24 Years

The NYTimes had a story this morning about Josef Fritzl, an Austrian man who kept his daughter imprisoned in his cellar for 24 years, raping her and fathering seven children. This freaked me out immensely and obviously required further investigation. Here's my journalism-paraphrasing:

• Fritzl kept her locked in a cellar under the house, that he fixed up with a bathroom, refrigerator and hot plate.
• He made the daughter write letters in captivity, claiming that she had run off to join a religious cult. Fritzl's wife claims to have known nothing believes those letters.
• Fritzl told his wife that he was building machines down there. He had the door barred with a keyless lock that only he could open. He told the people in "the bunker," as he called it, that he would kill them with gas if they tried to escape, and that the door was electrified.
• Fritzl had a prior conviction for rape and said he was born to rape. He said he locked up his daughter when she started to get unruly as a teenager, to keep the influence of the outside world away from her.
• Three of the children lived underground with their mother. He claimed to have "found" three of them at his door step, and raised them with his wife as adopted children. He murdered one of a set of twins who was born with breathing problems.
• He put in an expansion to the basement to get more room.
• His wife claimed to know nothing of her daughter's captivity just below her, and believed that her daughter had run of to join a cult.
• Everything came crashing down for Fritz when the oldest daughter got sick and Fritzl took her to the hospital. The daughter is now free and, most likely, living in some kind of hospital with her children. She moved in with her mother for a short period of time, but had a falling out with her because her mom did not stand up for her growing up.
• Here's what she looked like as a teenager, and also a map of the cellar:

There's a lot more info on this story, since it's received worldwide attention. Here's a story with a movie clip attached that I could not embed. Of course, there's always Wikipdia, the world's most reliable source of information.

Wow, that was uplifting. Happy St. Patrick's Day, everybody!!!

Nerd Alert!

The Earth could easily fit in the space between the Sun and this solar prominence on the top right of this picture:

This one makes a great desktop background:

You have to love Astronomy Picture of the Day.

What It's Like To Be A Twin

• Every time I hear my voice on the answering machine, I think it's Andrew.
• One time I went into Andrew's work. It was like like having amnesia. I had no idea who anyone was, but they all said hello to me.
• Meeting Andrew's co-workers is always fun. When they finally realize I'm not Andrew, they stare at me like I'm the weirdest thing they've ever seen. Then they invariably say, "Weird!!!"
• When I talk, they say, "He sounds like him, too!"
• Every now and then, I'll be walking down the street and someone will say hi to me. That means they think I'm Andrew.
• When someone stares at me in line at the movie theater, I know they think I'm Andrew.
• Mom was grateful for caller id, so she could finally tell us apart on the phone.
• Being a twin doesn't mean I don't also think that twins are weird. One time in high school, I saw identical twins on the bus and wondered, "I wonder what that is like."
• We always shared birthday parties together. I never minded. I still refer to my birthdays in the third person.
• No matter what each of us is doing, if we both do it together, it's funny.
• Andrew and I were both counselors at a day camp. The kids would always ask, "are you you or your brother?" To this day, that's the still the stupidest question I've ever heard.
• The only person I've ever been happy to think I was Andrew is Lilah, but she's old enough to know better now.
• The nieces can't tell us apart, so they will generally call us both either Uncle Andrew or Uncle Brian, taking turns with both names. I take it as a major victory when they call Andrew "Uncle Brian."
• When someone tells me they saw my twin, they're probably right.
• I'm not sure I know what I look like, but I know I look like Andrew.
• I have a hard time telling us apart in baby pictures.
• There was one time when I was confused. We were kids and I thought Andrew and I were playing chicken by walking into each other. We both laughed, then I walked into the mirror.

The Onion Completes Me

Year Of Law School Now Mandatory For Nation's 25-Year-Olds

WASHINGTON—Under the provisions of a bill approved by Congress and signed into law Tuesday, every 25-year-old American, regardless of prior life commitments, is now legally obligated to enroll in a full year of study at one of the nation's accredited law schools. "This new measure gives us the means to compel 25-year-olds to simultaneously placate their parents, impress their friends with complex-sounding legal jargon, and effectively avoid any real-world responsibilities for another full year," said Rep. Steve Buyer (R-IN). "We can think of no better way for our young people to squander their postcollegiate aimlessness." Congress is reportedly seeking further legislation that would provide for an additional nine months of grumbling over LSAT prep, and up to five years of whining about paying off student loan debt.

Jim Cramer's Response

Visit msnbc.com for Breaking News, World News, and News about the Economy

I'm not sure why I find this so interesting. It's not like either of them are deciding policy, they're just arguing for the fun of it, with no chance of impacting anything. It reminds me of a debate in student government.

Good luck to Jack today on his bris! And happy birthday to Harley! Unfortunately, these celebrations will be eclipsed by the fact that today is the 20th anniversary of my Bar Mitzvah. Thank you in advance for your kind words and envelopes full of money.

The Daily Show On CNBC

Going Home

Everyone wish Jack luck, as he attempts to summit tonight.

Jack Heller

Jack Abrevaya Heller was born yesterday at 1:02 pm, weighing a good 7 pounds 12 ounces. He's the first Heller boy to be born since me. Yes, Hellers will soon be overtaking the planet.

Jack is a great name. It's familiar, but still distinct. Andrew says he can be anything with that name, "a rock star, a doctor, or a pirate." Interesting career choices, Andrew. Here Jack is saying "woe is me!"

Big sister Lilah was very excited to finally see baby Jack. She then promptly advised me that she wanted to sleep at my house. And yes, she definitely gets confused and often calls me Daddy. The nurses made the same mistake.


Aunt Nilda and I are very excited! We're also excited because we signed the contract for our new apartment tonight, but that's for a different blog.

Here he is a day later. I think he looks like a baby.


It's amazing to me that Andrew now has a second child. I've always felt that we were living the same life and comparing notes, like his was an alternate reality of how my life could have turned out. Good luck with the second one, douchebag. You make a great dad.

Musical Statistics

You've seen these before, but they're definitely worth checking out again. I especially love the milkshake post, which, Dad, you will never understand. FULL CREDIT for this post goes to Matt. See what you can accomplish when you're not trolling the internet for gay porn??

Saturday Night Thoughts

• I'm back from Florida, and yes, I'm stealing this idea from Andrew.
• Florida was good, but I was working so much I didn't get a chance to do anything fun. Still, it's always nice to wake up where it's 22 degrees, and then go where it's 75 degrees.
• I had to drag down all our exhibits and supplies for the deposition, which made my innocent-looking suitcase incredibly heavy. I just barely avoided having to pay a fee.

• I bought an iced coffee at Dunkin Donuts on the way down. You can only get the gigantor size straws.


• We were in Boca Raton the whole time, which is incredibly boring. There's nothing but cars and flat strip malls, and you can't see any people. It reminded me a lot of Michigan, but warmer.
• My view from my ground floor room at the Holiday Inn Express was fantastic.

• We had dinner at Chili's one night. I hadn't been to a Chili's in years and was very excited to go. But it wasn't the same, more corporate and generic, like an Applebee's. I'm afraid I'm starting to dislike the chains. Or maybe I just wasn't drunk enough.
• I used to think traveling for work would be fun, but all I wanted to do was get home to Nilda.
• I missed watching Obama's speech and only learned about it from tv. Apparently, I don't like Bobby Jindal.
• This is too soon to talk about, but Nilda and I may possibly-hopefully-we'll see be working on buying an apartment. Until I'm allowed to talk more about it, just know that we're not allowed to spend any money.
• I can't wait to see what my new nephew will look like. I had a dream that he was a little salamander who kept jumping out of his carriage and I had to go chase him. I had to be careful catching him because I didn't want to rip his arm off or something. I woke up freaked out.
• I've been making ice cream again. Two weeks ago I made a vanilla bean ice cream with raisins soaked in Pedro Ximenez sherry wine, tonight I'm making chocolate mousse ice cream with toasted almonds. For just a few dollars more, I can make ice cream that's almost as good as the old Breyer's vanilla.
• I'm still upset Andy Reid traded Brian Dawkins. I know his age, but he was the leader of the team and the best player they had. The good thing about Dawkins is that no matter who he's playing for, he'll always be loved by Phila, like Reggie White and Ron Hextall. I've made up my mind, I'm keeping my jersey.

One Last Post

Here's a video of a Representative from Illinois chewing out the Bailout Czar. It almost makes me respect Republicans again. Thanks to Big Guy Heller for the link.

Away Message

I'm off for a few days to go out of town for a deposition. Nilda, as we discussed, you are not allowed to watch Top Chef without me. Unborn nephew, I'll be back this weekend and you may be born then. And so everyone knows, the weird guy I saw at the turned out to actually be a woman with an eating disorder. Who knew?

Oscar Picks

The trick is not to pick who you want to win, or who you think should win, but who will have the most support. You can't talk about who "the academy" will pick as a whole; you need to focus on who will the individual members support. For example, Crash didn't win best picture because it was the best movie, but because it had the largest support pool (large cast and crew). Lesson: individual academy members vote out of self interest. Here's who will win this year, based upon the inside knowledge of The Most Important Blog In The Universe:

• Best Actor: Sean Penn, because Mickey Rourke has already had his moment in the sun and Penn has always been the snob actor's choice.
• Best Actress: Kate Winslet, because she gets naked in movies.
• Supporting Actor: Heath Ledger, because he probably won't have another chance (ouch!).
• Supporting Actress, Penelope Cruz, because she was really good and didn't win for Volver. I was torn between Cruz and Taraji P. Henson, because Henson is the only minority actress nominated and white guilt is a powerful tool.
• Best Director: Danny Boyle, because it's uncool to not be in love with everything Slumdog Millionaire, which I have never seen.
• Best Movie: Slumdog Millionaire. Duh.

Tips For A Deposition

• Bang the table.
• Slam your papers down.
• Accuse the other lawyer of coaching.
• Call him a bully and tell him you won't be pushed around (I use "him," not "her," because women are far more reasonable and many of these tips will not apply with a female lawyer).
• Tell him you know his type, that his tactic is to yell until the other lawyers gets intimidated and backs down, but that you know won't be intimidated so he should just back off.
• Cut him off so that the reporter can't write down what he's saying.
• Tell him you have a right to object and protect your client's rights and won't let him take that right away from your client. Really wave the flag.
• Remind him about the rules against speaking objections. Offer to send him a copy of the rules.
• Walk out and say, "Let's take a break."
• Be really sarcastic. Be really really polite two minutes later.
• Interrupt his objection so the reporter can't write it down.
• Threaten to call the court repeatedly, all the while knowing you'll never, ever call the court.
• Call his bluff and say, "Yes, let's call the court!"
• Be really nice to the witness right after you scream at the lawyer. Make sure he/she knows your not mad at him/her.

Marble Hill

It's time for interesting facts that no one cares about! Marble Hill is a small hill across the river at the northern tip of Manhattan. While it is technically located in the Bronx, it is legally considered part of Manhattan, also known as New York County.

Marble Hill is naturally part of Manhattan. The river ran up around the hill when the Dutch settlers first arrived in the early 1600s. (FYI: the exchange where European settlers purchased Manhattan from the Indians for $24 took place around there, in Inwood). In the 1890s, the Army Corps of Engineers built a canal for shipping routes, known as the Harlem River Ship Channel, which essentially rendered Marble Hill an Island. In 1897, the Greater New York Charter designated the island of Marble Hill as part of the borough of Manhattan. Even when the Bronx was established on January 1, 1914, Marble Hill remained part of Manhattan.

Later in 1914, the old river running north of the island was filled in, connecting Marble Hill to the rest of the Bronx. Despite many efforts by the Bronx to take over Marble Hill, the residents have maintained their connection to Manhattan. It was even referred to as the Bronx's "Sudetenland," a clever reference if you know about Hitler taking over Czechoslovakia's Sudetenland in 1939. In 1984, the issue was ended once and for all when New York State Legislature passed legislation declaring the neighborhood part of Manhattan.

I look forward to your comments expressing how "boring" this post is. Shut up, Matt!

Stupid Piece Of Shit

God damn, the Onion is brilliant...

lazypieceofshit

I can't believe I haven't posted for so long. It's been pretty crazy. I promise to get back to it and give the world the quality and leadership that the public has come to expect from The Most Important Blog In The World.

Arizona Should Have Won?

Thanks to Irene for sending the blog post this is from.

Curse you, Steve Martin!

It's been three days, and I can't get that banjo song he did on SNL out of my head. Normally, when I can't get a song out of my head, it means I like it. Not this time. It gets even worse every time my mind forces me to relive that terrible, terrible experience. I think its post-traumatic.

The music itself isn't bad, but those words are horrible! I understand and can even appreciate that he went for a strong visual narrative, but the execution was childish. He's got images of riding a kite to school, a neighbor yelling "tally ho!," fishing with dad and terrible rhymes like "Teacher says, that's not cool." for They have been eating away at me since Saturday night. He even uses the phrase "Monday morn," can you believe it?! It's Steve Martin's "Oh, grandpa!" moment.

One reference has him hitting his grandmother hit in the face with a pie before 8:00 am on a Saturday morning. How does this make any sense? What the hell was a pie doing lying around? It's just a cheap comical device from a guy who thought he could do no wrong. I might also add that the character is neither repentant nor reprimanded for striking his grandmother. What kind of message does that send, Steve Martin?

The worst part is that the character genuinely wants to get to school on time. Who can relate to that? That's not a fun song for a kid, but a transparent gimmick to trick kids into liking school. Hey, Steve Martin, leave them kids alone!

A NYTimes article described the dress rehearsal of the song like this:

"On the main stage of NBC's Studio 8H in Manhattan, wielding a Gibson Florentine from the 1920s and accompanied by a quintet of bluegrass musicians, Mr. Martin was plucking, strumming and, yes, singing his way through an original song called “Late for School,” about a young delinquent racing to beat the tardy bell. The hoedown brought the room to a halt, and when it was over even the surliest stagehands couldn’t help but stand and applaud."

What?!?! Were they hearing the same song the rest of the country was forced to endure?? How much did Steve Martin have to pay to get this written? Or is he simply so "revered" that he can't get a bad review. It's not like he was a Beatle, or something. Shenanigans!

The only good part is that I've been listening to a lot of bluegrass on last.fm. That shit is good.

NFL Players Doing Amazing Shit

What's Happened To You, Steve Martin?

Steve Martin is not and has never been a "comedic genius." Yeah, The Jerk and even All of Me was good, but never ground breaking. Now he's sunk to a new low. And I'm not even talking about The Pink Panther 2. If anyone missed the banjo song he played on SNL this weekend, you were lucky. It was like watching a terrible car accident in slow motion. I kept waiting for it to get funny, then realized it was only getting worse. I have no problem with him writing kids songs, but why would you play one of those on SNL, which is clearly not a kid audience? It shows just how out of touch he is with his audience. Let's spread the misery:



The thing is, Steve Martin is a really, really good banjo player. You have to look at some of his early, live material to get a sense of how good he was and, by comparison, how bad what he did on SNL was:

Late for school, Mr. Martin. Late for school, indeed.

Too Ghetto For Tropic Zone

There's an article in the Post this week about a woman who sued the Tropic Zone after they declined to hire her as a waitress. She's suing because they told her that the reason she was not hired was because she was "too ghetto," had a latin accent and does not "speak white." She said this was her "dream job" and that she had the body and the experience for the job.

Here is why this is a terrible case for a plaintiff's lawyer:

• Failure to hire cases are notoriously difficult. There are so many reasons why a person could not be hired that it is too speculative to say that it was this reason. Plus, you don't have any ability to prove that the plaintiff was a good worker, not just someone seeking a quick dollar, which is the most important part of any employment discrimination case.
• The first affirmative defense will be that she has a big ass. The entire case will be about the flaws in her body, which the defense lawyers will analyze and put on posters. They will take their hottest girls and compare them, feature by feature, to the plaintiff, to show the legitimate reasons why she did not meet their physical requirements. This will be a very difficult and emotional case for the plaintiff.
• The position she was applying for is all about the tastes of the customers. The owners can simply say that she did not meet their tastes. No court is going to intrude into a business decision like that.
• Is being "too ghetto" a protected category? Maybe that is a valid business consideration for a business that relies mostly on tourists. On the other hand, telling her that she doesn't "speak white" is pretty clear cut on her side.
• How do you evaluate her damages? If she makes money on tips, how do you prove how customers would have tipped her? How long could she have been in this position?

Bottom line: it's a fun and easy headline for the plaintiff's lawyer, but a terrible case to try with little hope of a meaningful recovery.

The Lily Ledbetter Fair Pay Act

As both of my loyal readers know, today, President Obama (I still love saying that) signed The Lily Ledbetter Fair Pay Act into law. This law overturns the Supreme Court's ruling in the Ledbetter case, which, as some of you may remember from my prior blog, held that Ledbetter could not sue for a discriminatory decision made years ago that lessened her retirement benefits.

I have not read the new law. I'm not even sure if it makes sense for me to do so. We really won't really know its impact until the Supreme Court interprets it. And its never a good thing when the Supreme Court interprets a law overruling its prior decision.

So here's what I think the Act does. It shifts the deciding factor of the statute of limitations from when the decision was made, to when the impact of that decision was made. Instead of looking at when the discriminatory decision was made, the statute of limitations would start to run after each paycheck where she was paid less than a man. She still will not be able to sue for the damages she suffered throughout her career, since the Court already decided in Morgan that each paycheck is a discrete act that starts its own limitations period (nerd alert!), but at least she would be able to get to court to make sure future payments are not discriminatory.

While its unclear what this Act will really mean for workers, its a good sign that Congress is watching the Courts with respect to employment discrimination. With all the Bush appointees holding life tenure, that's definitely a good thing for Obama to have accomplished right after his inauguration.

Brian Joins A Gym

Because the world needs to know. If I was going to do it, I had to do it before the end of the month. Nothing motivates me to work out like saving an initiation fee.

I get there and have to wait for the obligatory information session & tour, a process I absolutely despise. Maybe I'm alone on this, but I hate being the douche bag in pleated pants being guided around. We can skip the spinning room, please. It doesn't matter that I make it crystal clear that I have no interest in a personal trainer, I still have to be introduced to the head personal trainer. Nice to meet you, Floyd. They asked me what my "goals" were. I told them that I had already met my primary goal just by being there.

I've never known what would lead a person to being the one who shows people around. Then I met "Zach," a 22-year-old who likes to share too much. He's the Assistant (to the) Manager and just moved from Miami to New York three weeks ago for this job. He knows the elementary school Andrew and I went to and his family belonged to the same synagogue my family belonged to (Beth Shalom now Beth Shira). He still has a girlfriend in Gainesville, but they're both young and they understand where they are. His mother is a mediation judge of some sort and his father is an attorney, so he feels pushed to go into law. He wants to be a sports agent and thinks that going to law school will somehow help with that. Law school's a dead end, Zach.

Finally, I'm allowed to work out, but by now I only have a little bit of time before my first priority, getting home to watch Los--be with Nilda. I soon realize that based on my speed on the treadmill, I'm running a 10 minute mile. It would therefore take me approximately 26 hours to run a marathon. I clearly do not have the time to run a marathon.

My plan was that going to the gym would somehow make me want to keep going to the gym, and I think it worked. As you can tell, all of this proves that I am clearly better than Andrew.

Who's the Boss?

This is an insulting question. Of course Angela is the boss. She hired Tony to clean her house, and allows he and his daughter Samantha to live there. The title implies that because she is a woman, and he is a man, there is somehow a question as to their relationship. There is not, as she is the employer and is, by definition, the boss. Right, Mona?

Bad Brian

Yes, I need to blog, I'm well aware. I've been busy. I'll get to it as soon as I can and/or feel like it. Really, I promise.

President Bush

Bush's greatest failure has been his failure to act. He failed to prevent 9/11 (I'm done with the whole "no one could have known" argument, people told Bush and Condeleeza Rice and they ignored the warnings). He then failed to show any leadership on Katrina, torture, the housing bubble and the collapse of the economy. Most of all, he failed to control the forces in his administration that pushed to start a war that everyone now agrees should never have happened.

But still, after all that, I can't help but feel sorry for sorry for him. He'll be remembered as one of the worst Presidents in history, and given how the Presidency has become more visible and recognizable like never before, he will definitely stand out. But at the same time, it looks like the little guy did his best. There doesn't appear to be any malicious intent in the damage he's done, no mens rea. He's also enthusiastic about the transition to Obama, which is oddly reassuring.

I'm ok with feeling sorry for Bush mostly because Obama is taking over for him. I would feel completely different if McCain was being sworn in next week. If Bush had not been so terrible, it's doubtful that Obama could have won, that hope and a (black!) liberal democrat would have had a chance. The country seems to be back on track and Bush, as bad he was, is the vehicle that led us here. And that's not bad.

How To Crack A Master Lock

Part of me says it's time to go back to the gym. The other part of me says "Whoa whoa whoa whoa, mister! Aren't you getting an xbox? Do you really want to commit to going to the gym right before Operation Brian's Xbox just gets under way? Really, you're just being selfish at this point." Though the debate rages on, I've decided to bring my stuff to work. The problem is that I forgot my combo to my lock. If I was smart, I'd take that as a sign.

Master lock will only send you the combo if you submit a formal, notarized request, with proof that the lock is not attached to anything. And if you're a prisoner, the request needs to be submitted on the prison's letterhead.

Here's a video showing some geek mathalete with way too much time demonstrating how to limit the possible combinations from 64,000 to just 100 options, which, if you can stand to watch the whole video, you will never, ever do:



Lesson of the day: send yourself an email with the combo to the new lock you're going to have to buy and move it to saved mail. Duh.

Top That!

Blogging is hard, people! You have to not only sit down to actually write the thing, but you have to come up with an idea that (1) you can write about and (2) that people (Nilda & "anonymous" Matt) won't label boring. So I took a break for a little while, ok? If you don't like it, you can s my d:

• The Eagles have made it to the NFC Championship game. This was considered an impossible long shot the last time I blogged. In fact, some are saying that of the four teams left, the Eagles have the best shot to win the Superbowl. This is truly a wonderful moment.
• I'm predicting an Eagles-Steelers Superbowl (with the Eagles winning), and I'm not alone.
• Giants fans hate the Eagles more than Eagles fans hate the Giants. Yes, you'll find examples of angry Eagles fans, but Giants fans aren't happy unless the Eagles lose. My walking around the office whispering "Eagles!" to all the Giants fans probably hasn't helped.
• 30 Rock proved its brilliance once again by having Kenneth perform the "Top That" rap from the crappy 90's movie "Teen Witch." I thought only Andrew and I knew that, and by "knew that" I mean remember the lyrics to this day and repeat them often.
• Before you die, go to Katz's Deli for pastrami after a night of heavy drinking.
• Everyone please watch Friday Night Lights. You will not regret it.
• The countdown to Operation Brian Gets An Xbox has officially begun. I want Madden, Call of Duty 4, Guitar Hero and Command & Conquer. It's just a matter of time, now.
• Congress is considering a law to overturn the Supreme Court's decision in Ledbetter, which I've blogged about before. This would increase the statute of limitations for employees complaining about discrimination. One Republican said, "Trial lawyers, you can be sure, are salivating at this very prospect." Dude, you have no idea.
• Nilda's started looking at sofas. I am...totally...screwed.
• I'm hot. And you're not. But if you want to hang with me, I will give it one shot. Top that!
• Hey look, I wrote a blog! Top that!

This Is CNN

The odd part is that I now actually respect Kathy Griffin. Go Eagles.

True Love

Badass Of The Day - Fridtjof Nansen

On July 21, 1893, Fridtjof Nansen left his homeland of Norway on a ship called the Fram, meaning "forward," on a mission to explore the Arctic circle. At that time, Nansen was already an experienced adventurer, having written a book on the year he spent in Greenland.

The expedition's goal was to intentionally lodge the ship in the ice (the ship was reinforced) to explore the currents of the Arctic ice sheets. Accordingly, the Fram was decked out to allow the crew of 13 to stay warm, with insulation of felt, reindeer hair, cork shavings and tar. There was even a windmill to run electric lamps. They left with enough food for five years. As expected, the Fram became locked in the ice and followed the currents. He took pictures:

Early in the second year of the trip, it became apparent that the boat would not reach the North Pole, which had yet to be conquered. Accordingly, Nansen and a companion, Hjalmar Johansen, tried to reach the pole on three sleds with 28 dogs, in March 1895. They quickly ran into trouble, running out of supplies and butchering the weaker dogs to feed the stronger ones (gross).

Since Nansen has promised his wife that he would come home alive, they turned around just 226 miles south of the Pole, yet the highest that any human had ever made in 400 years of exploration. Since the ship was too far away, the two tried to go back to reach a distant island. They spent four months trying to make it to shipping lanes, killing off all the dogs and even eating a porridge made of canine blood.

They reached the island in August 1895, but realized they would have to spend the winter in the Arctic circle. They dug a hovel out of the ice and spent 9 months surviving on polar bear meat fried in walrus blubber, sharing a greasy sleeping bag. They were finally rescued at the next thaw, when they came across another explorer on his way to try to reach the pole (he didn't make it), who knew that Nansen might be in the area.

Nansen and Johansen returned home as heroes on August 13, 1896, more than three years after they left and just one week before the Fram returned home safely from its own trip. The Fram's trip was a striking success, remarkably without a single man lost, as it realized, for the first time, that there was no land in the Arctic and that it was, in fact, an ocean. Nansen became a celebrity, as well as an ambassador, and became something of a ladies man in his later years, after his wife passed away. He passed away in 1930, at the age of 69. The Fram is displayed prominently in Oslo, and children are read bedtime stories of his adventures.

Thanks, subscription to National Geographic!