Um, uh, can I ask you a question?

Getting a new iphone is not easy. They are not available online and there's a significant wait to buy one at an AT&T store. The best way to get an iphone is at an Apple store. You cannot reserve an iphone or make a reservation, and the stores will only let you know the availability of iphones at 9:00 pm the night before.

Nilda and I went to the 14th Street store this weekend, and they were sold out by the time we got there, around 4:00. Apparently, you have to get there at 8:00 am to receive a voucher, then come back before 6:00 pm to pick up your iphone, which must be activated before you leave the store, and there was a line of people waiting - reading newspapers! - to pick up their iphones. You have to dedicate a whole day to buying this thing and it's more of a pain in the ass than it's probably worth.

So my question is, should I get the 8G or the 16G?

The Olympics

After a day kicking all ass in a non-party deposition, I come home and see men's volleyball on the Olympics. This is something amazing to me. All kids in the US play volleyball, and here is the country's very best of those players. There are no professional teams to look forward to, this is the pinnacle event for these players, going up against the best in the world, just once every four years. What does Nilda want to watch? CSI.

Nilda may not like indoor men's volleyball, but we both love women's beach volleyball. Maybe it's the amazing team of May-Treanor and Walsh, who have been unreal and had a great win against Belgium tonight. I'm not sure why I like it.

The Chinese believe that these Olympics are the most important event in their recent history, and will usher in a new era for China in the modern world. It was no coincidence that the opening ceremony took place on 8/8/08 at 8:00 pm, given China's belief in the special nature of the number 8. All indications are that China may very well have accomplished their goal, as it is unquestionable that they have done an amazing job of hosting the Olympics. They have done such a good job that I haven't even finished the last two episodes of the first season of Mad Men. Impressive, China. Very impressive.

Sticking It To The Man

Last night, Schwartz and I lectured at the City Bar Association on employment law. There were about 30 people, mostly management attorneys, and there was a webcast. I spoke about various issues in the field and, specifically, the New York City Human Rights Law and the Restoration Act of 2005.

When I was talking about the City Law and how it is, by its very language, to be interpreted more broadly than its state and federal counterparts, I noted the Restoration Act’s amendment to the retaliation provisions. The City Law holds that an act punishing an employee for complaining about discrimination need not result in an ultimate employment action and need not be materially adverse, but must merely result in conduct that would reasonably deter an employee from complaining.

I also noted that the Supreme Court recently adopted a similar standard for the federal law. A guy who was clearly a management attorney started nodding his head, as if he got me. However, I continued, the Supreme Court held that the act must be materially adverse, while the City Law, by the very language of the statute, does not impose such a requirement. He stopped nodding.

Barack-Rolled

This is brilliant. Make sure you watch through the verse:



Thanks to Irene for the link!

I Wish It Was A Three Day Weekend

• Continued the tradition of ridiculously expensive dinners with Jeremy & Irene at BLT Fish on Friday. It was interesting to go to a restaurant that focused on fish - not seafood, but fish. I wouldn't have picked it, but Frank Bruni gave it 3 stars twice, so Irene said we had to go. She (and Bruni) were right, and it was incredible. Get the dover sole.
• Loving the Olympics, especially the opening ceremony. 2008 Chinese men banging on drums in unison is an intimidating sight. They told the drummers to smile to take the edge off. That was sweet.
• Check out this incredible video my sister Julie sent out:

• I will never again go to Philadelphia in flip-flops and without a pair of sneakers. What was I thinking, I work at Abercrombie?
• The Atlantic is going to be running an article on Tuesday outlining the in-fighting in Clinton's campaign. Mark Penn suggested trying to portray Obama as somehow un-American, recommending that Clinton rely heavily on the flag and talk about "our" America.
• This is a forward I got today. Not sure if it's real or if it's a beer commercial that was banned in the UK, but it's pretty crazy:

• Here's a link to a really horific bungee accident that's definitely real.
• Only 27 days until I get my iphone!
  

Three Things

1. No Country For Old Men is an amazing book. Better than the movie, it portrays the Javier Bardem character more than just the bad guy, but as the anti-Christ everyone has been fearing. My favorite line so far, when the main character is on the run after taking the money: "He ate in a restaurant with white tablecloths and waiters in white jackets. He ordered a glass of red wine and a porterhouse steak. It was early and the restaurant was empty save for him. He sipped the wine and when he steak came he cut into it and chewed slowly and thought about his life."

2. Mad Men is a fantastic tv show. I wouldn't like it if I heard only the premise, but it's so well written that it transcends its plot. It highlights the problems in modern society by focusing on the ones we've supposedly overcome.

3. So far, it looks like we've got three trials coming up in the fall, in addition to the trip to Israel. That is ok with me.

I Place Too Much Importance On My Facebook Status

• Marino told me on Friday what is perhaps the funniest story I've heard in a long time. His friend, a young lawyer at Paul Weiss, based on a dare, stated, on the record at a deposition, "Are you intimidated by how handsome I am?" The partner pulled him out of the deposition and threw him off the case. Ahh, the life and priorities of a Horace Mann graduate.
• At the firm bbq on Saturday, I was told that I drank a lot and that I was the whiffle ball mvp. I don't believe either of them. My ipod playlist, however, was a universal hit.
• On Mad Men, one of the secretaries points out that the main character is having an affair with a woman outside the office because, "He's so good looking that he can look outside the office." I had to pause the dvd after hearing that line, since that represents and significant part of my career. These guys are only able to have relationships with these women based on the power that they have from their positions at work.
• I can almost understand why Obama isn't running a more aggressive campaign against McCain. He realizes that the last thing an African-American candidate can do is get angry.
• My weird dream: I couldn't understand why I had to take the Bar exam again, when I just took it two years ago. So I said, "Andrew, we're not doing this again. Francesca (our 5-year-old niece) has to take the Bar for the first time, but we've already passed so we're leaving." So we went back to the movie theater where, for some reason, I suddenly found myself naked, again.
• Favorite products: Downey wrinkle releaser, Burt's Bees cuticle wax, Visine Tears, Neosporin with pain relief, Nivea face balm, shirt collar stays.
• My Greatest Idea Ever: I put the wine bottle AND the ice pack into the sandwich cooler we got from Daniel's Bat Mitvah, so that the wine not only got cold, but stayed cold at the park. Freakin' genius!

The Real Problem With Obama

Check out today's Doonesbury. It's right on the money.

Professor Obama

The NY Times had an article today on Obama's 12-year tenure as a law professor at the University of Chicago. What was most interesting to me, as a recovering law student, was Obama's final exams. His last one was in 2003, in Constitutional Law. It was an open-book take home, that had to be completed and returned 8 hours after it was picked up. It consisted of two questions, 2 and 3 pages respectively, and relate to same-sex marriage and voting rights. He has the audacity to write: "Read each question and think before you write. Please do not feel obliged to make use of the maximum number of words in formulating your answers. Precision and imagination, rather than volume, are what I am looking for."

Conclusion: Professor Obama was a dick.

Self-Cleaning Clothing

Brian: "Hey, Nilda, I was reading an article in Scientific American about self-cleaning clothing."

Nilda (facing the computer): "Self-cleaning clothing?"

Brian: "It said that lotus flowers have tiny bumps covered with wax that trap air. When rain falls on the that surface, the water and dirt are more attracted to each other than to the flower, and they both fall together. They're trying to use this concept to create clothing with small, synthetic bumps that will repel dirt in a similar way."

Nilda (turning around): "You need to buy stock in that company."

Brian (pause): "I'm going to write a blog about this."

Obama on Vacationing And Time To Think

Here's a NYTimes article recounting a conversation between Obama and British Tory Leader David Cameron on Saturday, when they did not know they were miked:

Mr. Cameron: You should be on the beach. You need a break. Well, you need to be able to keep your head together.

Mr. Obama: You've got to refresh yourself.

Mr. Cameron: Do you have a break at all?

Mr. Obama: I have not. I am going to take a week in August. But I agree with you that somebody, somebody who had worked in the White House who — not Clinton himself, but somebody who had been close to the process — said that should we be successful, that actually the most important thing you need to do is to have big chunks of time during the day when all you’re doing is thinking. And the biggest mistake that a lot of these folks make is just feeling as if you have to be ...

Mr. Cameron: These guys just chalk your diary up.

Mr. Obama: Right. ... In 15 minute increments and ...

Mr. Cameron: We call it the dentist waiting room. You have to scrap that because you’ve got to have time.

Mr. Obama: And, well, and you start making mistakes or you lose the big picture. Or you lose a sense of, I think you lose a feel ...

Mr. Cameron: Your feeling. And that is exactly what politics is all about. The judgment you bring to make decisions.

Mr. Obama: That’s exactly right. And the truth is that we’ve got a bunch of smart people, I think, who know 10 times more than we do about the specifics of the topics. And so if what you’re trying to do is micromanage and solve everything then you end up being a dilettante, but you have to have enough knowledge to make good judgments about the choices that are presented to you.

****
Wouldn't it be great to have a president who understands that you need time to think, and that you need to rely on the people below you without micromanaging everything? The only thing that concerns me is that this description sounds exactly like our current President.

Things That Piss Me Off About The Bar Exam

It's been a long time, but this list from a kid studying for the Bar brings it all back. Here are some of my favorites:

1. People who don't record their deeds: Hey. Fuck face. That's a nice deed you got there. Went ahead and bought Stankacre, didya? That's awesome. Owning property is a sign of real maturity. Now, why don't you do us all a fucking favor, and go record the fucking deed. Right. Fucking. Now. Don't put it in a goddamn drawer. Don't go off to India for 20 years. Don't leave the deed in your will for dear cousin Victorianox. Get your fat lazy ass down to the records office, and record it before I burn your goddamn house down.

2. Wily property sellers: Here is a suggestion to those Bill of Rights violatin' petty thug ass clowns, the Police. How about you go down to Doucheacre, and arrest the son of a bitch who sells the same house to 15 different people, over and over. I'm sick of this guy getting away every time he pulls this shit, and I'm left to sort out the fucking pieces.

4. People who back out of conspiracies. Why don't you just stick with it and save us all some trouble, you pussy.

9. Bank Mortgages. Hi there, First National Bank of South Calizonachussettsas. I don't mean to tell you how to run your business, but allow me to impart a bit of sage wisdom. When someone: 1) named Defaultina McBankrupstein, 2) is taking out her 17th mortgage with you, 3) on a place called Mushacre 4) so she can buy a new hat,do NOT fucking come crying to me when the inevitable judicial foreclosure sale nets $34, a button, and some lint, all of which are devoured by the banks that are 20 miles ahead of you in creditor line. And do not ask me whether you are a junior or senior mortgagor, or whether you debt is secured, or some other bullshit I don't understand, because the answer is always the same. D) You are Fucked. Take it like a man.

Thanks to Matt From Work for the find. Have a great weekend.

New Band For Brian

Weeds is a surprisingly good show. Nilda says I use the word "surprisingly" too much, but I say it's better than using "shockingly" again. Anyway, it's a great show with great writing and Mary Louise Parker carries it. It also has a great soundtrack (sorry for the fourth "great," couldn't help it). We don't get Showtime and have only seen up to season 3 from netflix, so don't tell us what happens.

Here's a great song from an episode we saw tonight. The band is "Page France," who actually broke up last last year. It's one of those great songs that made me buy the album right away.

Sorry about the weird, homemade video, but I couldn't find an actual video. Here's a link to a video of them performing it live, but I think you should hear the studio version first.

The Dancing Guy

You've all seen this video before, of the guy dancing in front of places all over the world:

Here's the back story. His name is Matt Harding. He's 31-years-old and from Connecticut. He lived in LA for a time working on video games ("Kill All Humans" was his idea), until he got sick of it and decided to travel. His friend told him to "do the dance" he did on camera, and he did it everywhere they went. He made a video of that and it became popular. Stride gum loved the idea and paid for two more trips to use for commercials (here's Stride's web page on Matt). The third trip, the second paid for by Stride, included fans dancing in additon to Matt. The video above includes footage from all three trips. A recent article in the NYTimes about Matt has increased his visibility recently. His video was featured on today's APOD, leading to this here post.

What's the lesson from all this from this amazing video of people all over the world finding common ground? Dancing dude = dork.

I Still Prefer This Heat Wave Over The Cold

• Prediction: Obama will pick Joe Biden as his VP before the start of the Olympics on August 8.
• Best new joke I've heard. Knock knock. Who's there? 9/11. 9/11 who? You said you wouldn't forget.
• At the hospital last week, Stella (Nilda's mom) asked a little girl to draw her a picture of a house since Stella said she needed to learn how to draw a house. After the girl drew a very pretty house, she said that Stella could keep the picture, "So you can learn to draw a house."
• Who is this T. Boone Pickens guy, calling for energy innovation on commercials on MSNBC, and why is he so awesome?
• Denise Richards' reality show is surprisingly compelling. Tack that onto the fact that I'm mysteriously drawn to Jon & Kate +8, and I need some serious help.
• WWADD: I couldn't figure out why the bodega didn't sell Presidente beer. Then I remembered that it's a Dominican bodega, which means they have a freezer near the front full of single bottles of Presidente and Corona. When looking for Presidente, think: "What would a Dominican do?"
• I finally organized all of my music files onto the laptop's itunes. Do not underestimate how satisfying organizing music on a computer can be.
• There are tons of new on demand channels in the 1000s on Time Warner Cable. Why was I not informed of this sooner?!?!
• Nilda and I have started watching Mad Men on said on demand channels. If you ever want to be reminded why employment law exists, check out this show.

Bad Ass Of The Day: Al Gore

I've been a fan of Al Gore since the sixth grade, where I read a Weekly Reader article outlining each of the candidates and agreed with all of Gore's issues. In the early 1990's, Gore wrote a book where he labeled the environment as the largest issue of our time, and called for the end of the internal combustion engine. We all know now that he was right, but it took courage. George Bush mocked him as "ozone man" for it in the 1992 election. It was hard for me to watch him sell out in 2000, but losing allowed him to get back to what he truly believed in.

Gore's recent speech outlining a goal of energy independence within 10 years is a bold and absolutely necessary step. Although wind and solar energies are not nearly ready to replace oil and coal, he points to the technological leaps Americans were able to accomplish with the silicon chip. He creates an urgency that America has not seen since the Manhattan project and the space race, while combining it with the innovation of the internet. He's found a role as a leader in the greatest threat our civilization is facing, without holding any office that labels him as such. That's bad ass.

It makes sense that Gore declined to run for office. His last run resulted in being required to back off his goals for the country, while being free from office permitted him to fulfill those same goals. The question is what's next. James Carville has recommended that Gore serve as Vice President, leading the country's energy initiatives. I can't think of anything better, but that's not likely. In the alternative, I'd love to see Arnold Schwarzenegger assume a cabinet-level position as energy czar. He's a popular, talented politician who's shown results in California's energy crisis. Plus, Obama choosing a Republican (at least a nominal Republican) would get both parties working together on what we all now recognize as a dire issue.

There are two things that 1988-Brian does not understand: how Arnold Schwarzenegger became a respected politician and how the Beastie Boys became an important musical group. The success of Pink Floyd is another mystery, but I'm not looking to pick a fight.

Mates of State

In 2004 (I think), Andrew and I saw a Cake show at Wester Hall during their Comfort Eagle period. Cake was great, but what really stuck with me was the opening act, Mates of State. It was a husband and pregnant wife (which really impressed me), playing drums and organ, respectively. I'm generally not into two person acts and don't like the White Stripes (no bass!), but MOS was amazing. They had innovative key and tempo changes and sang mostly meaningless lyrics with dueling harmonies. They were amazing and Andrew bought the album, Team Boo, at the show, which I promptly stole from him. It wasn't long until I bought all their other albums, as well.

They came out with a new album in May and finally appear to be getting press. They were featured in NY Magazine and appeared on Conan. They keep a blog, Band on the Diaper Run, which I link to on the right.

The new album isn't as good as the old stuff. They've got more musicians now, less gibberish lyrics and appear to have settled down with their two kids. But it's still great. Here's the newly released video of "My Only Offer," the best song on the new album. Notice the bass on the track:



Back to work.

I Like Obama As Much As Francesca Used To Like Dora

I'm more impressed with Obama right now than I ever have before. He's still got the idealist allure, but no one's calling him naive or a lightweight any more. He's has the calculating strategy of the Clintons without the ego. He's still the change candidate, but is now viewed as savy enough to ward off the "kid" label. He's respected in a way that he wasn't during the primaries. McCain being a terrible candidate helps, but part of McCain's problem is that he's being compared to a candidate who's being increasingly viewed as substantial.

Tacking to the right immediately after getting the nomination, by giving a speech on patriotism and endorsing faith-based programs, was a calculated effort to make him less threatening to the right, and it worked. But if you look at Obama's positions, he's been consistent throughout. It's more likely that the country has moved to the left.

His an op-ed in the NYTimes outlining a plan to get out of Iraq seems completely reasonable, and no one's presented anything against it. If anything, Obama's plan to get us out, pragmatically flexible, is the national consensus. Obama has nullified the fact that McCain supported the surge. By conceding that the surge worked, he is able to argue that we should therefore be able to leave, like we were promised before the surge.

Obama's biggest problem is that he has no support for his alleged new politics. Politicians in Washington wonder why, if Obama is so eager to cross party lines, he didn't do so during his time in the senate. It's a good point, but if you're gonna take a chance, this is guy to do it with.

Best Obama joke so far goes to The Onion: "Black Guys Asks Nation For Change."

Do You Like Crytal Gel?

I've been cracking up at Yael's post about Jim Gaffigan’s Hot Pockets routine ("They come in ice cold or lava hot."). Here's the thing: I don't like stand up. Haven't since I was a kid watching Turkey TV. Someone standing up and trying to "be funny" makes me as uncomfortable as I felt when the "special guest" in kindergarten or on Sesame Street would sing and play guitar to the class...making EYE CONTACT. It's just weird. (Surprisingly, musicians and comedians, though both performing in front of an audience, don't get along. Andrew and I proudly mocked the comedians who were stupid enough to try to perform at Sidewalk.)

Yet, for some reason, stand up works incredibly well on the internet. Whether it's the short videos, the close ups, or the fact that I'm at work, stand up works on youtube. Check this one out:



She's now on MadTV. It's good that she's making a living doing comedy, but you know that same skit isn't nearly half as good as the stand-up routine.

Brown Bagging It Flashback

Nilda and I bought some sliced turkey this weekend. Last night, I figured I could make a sandwich and bring it to work for lunch. Then I thought I could also bring one of the oranges we got. Then, I thought why not pack some of the Cheese-its we bought, as well. (If you haven't tried Cheez-its in a while, do it.) Next thing I know, I'm in 10th grade again. Turkey sandwiches were always a favorite.

"Build A Wiffle Ball Field And Lawyers Will Come"

After reading that headline in today's NY Times, everyone in my office was instantly excited. We've talked about putting together a softball team or something and this seemed perfect. Then we actually read the article, and saw how it's not about lawyers playing wiffle ball, but about the legal problems surrounding a field that teenagers cleared to play wiffle ball. Rather than being about lawyers playing organized sports, it's another example of how lawyers cause problems in this country.

Bad tease, NY Times!

Brian The Sports Fan

For the first time in my life, my weekend revolved around sports. Stop laughing:

• Caryn & Forrest got the girls the Wii. The best game on Wii sports is bowling. Francesca, my 5-year-old neice, is by far the best player in the family.
• Francesca and I watched bowling. We both agreed that she could have beaten them all. She got bored and called me a "diaper." I struck back with a powerful "laundry face." Francesca then launched a vicious "stroller brain," causing me to defend myself with barbed "envelope head." Nilda basked in my maturity.
• The tennis on the Wii is surprisingly interesting. This is the only explanation as to how I watched Wimbledon, and was actually interested.
• I watched a boxing match on HBO. Then I played boxing on the Wii. I'm a bad muthafucka.
• I watched a Phillies/Mets game and wanted the Phillies to win, even though I'm surrounded by Met fans in NY and never watch baseball. I now understand that I am and will always be a fan of ONLY Philly sports teams. I did not know this before, and learned this only by watching baseball.
• The one thing Met fans are afraid of is the Phillies. The one thing Phillies fans are afraid of is the Phillies.
• After playing a ton of the Wii on Friday, I woke up on Saturday with an incredibly sore right arm and shoulder. Just like my Dad, I spent the entire day explaining how sore I was to everyone. Then I got the fish platter at Famous Deli, just one stop on the world-renowned Jeffrey Heller Tennis Tour, where you can see all the places Dad plays tennis and eats afterwards. I became my father this weekend.

Jon & Kate +8

My new guilty pleasure is Jon & Kate Plus 8. It's a reality show about a couple in Central Pennsylvania with a set of 6-year-old twin girls, and a set of sixtuplets (3 boys, 3 girls). What really interests me is the dad, who's barely over 30. His days, when he's not working as an IT guy, are spent following 8 kids around and doing everything he can not to piss off his control-freak of a wife.

The dad has moved beyond being happy or sad with his life. He's in survival mode. It's not that he's unhappy or that he doesn't love his kids. It's just a hectic life, and the only time he seems genuily relaxed is when he's playing golf. I can't help but feel for him. But maybe that's just because he's being careful about what he says on camera. I think about how often Nilda gets mad at me for saying things I'm not supposed to say, and I'm only talking to Andrew. And this guy's on tv, so you KNOW he's in trouble a lot. If you're interested, I highly recommend it. It's good for your vagina.

Akira

Akira is a Japanese comic book (or "magna," as the geeks call them), from the 80's turned into a Japanese anime movie in 1988. So there's no suspense, it tells the story of a group of telekinetic youths in a post-apocalyptic Tokyo that focuses on the powers of the title character.Andrew and I watched the movie, IN JAPANESE, Lyle Bogin's basement when we were 13 years old. It was as bad an idea as it sounds.

Anyway, I have just learned that a live-action movie is in the works, rumored to be produced and possibly staring Leonardo DiCaprio. If there is anyone out there, anyone at all besides Andrew, who finds this the least bit interesting, please tell me I'm not alone.

Happy 4th of July

New favorite: tequila. I've finally opened that bottle of Patron Stella got me and I'm loving it. Goes fantastic with lime and St. Germain, or great with lime and triple sec. Anything but straight up.

Tomorrow is the last day for our first session of interns, and we're going to Benjamin's steakhouse next door. My big problem is what kind of steak I'm going to order. This normally difficult choice is further complicated by the fact that they're serving surf & turf at Amy & Sagi's wedding tomorrow night. I shouldn't get the rib-eye, because it's high fat (i.e., deliciousness), would make it harder to have another steak that night. I'm thinking of either the filet or the ny strip on the bone (suggestions are welcome). Either way, I'm ordering it raw.

And finally, Obama did not pull a "fist snub" on a little kid. The kid was not looking to fist pump, but wanted Obama to sign his hand, as did another girl near him, and Obama refused saying that "Mom wouldn't be happy tonight." See for yourself:

Congrats to Sagi & Amy!! We've got to do Sagi's bachelor party again real soon. Sagi is the one on the left:

I'm looking forward to their wedding tomorrow night, especially the open bar. Julie, you're my sister and I love you.

Obama & Religion

Obama's recent announcement that he'll promote faith-based programs has me worried. After the past eight years of Bush and his "higher father," I trust mixing politics and religion about as much as I trust Nilda in Crate & Barrel. Even worse, this reeks of pandering to the evangelicals, who, according to a poll I saw tonight on Olbermann, heavily favor McCain.

On the other hand, the faith-based programs have actually done a lot of good and should be supported. Not to give any credit to Bono, but he said that once Christians realized that AIDS victims in Africa are the lepers of our time, they, to their credit, took action to help. Lumping them together with Bush isn't fair, since Bush just used them to get elected. Furthermore, Obama's start as a community organizer focused a lot on churches, so he knows first hand how religion can touch the people government should be helping.

So I'll give Obama this one, but I'm keeping my eye on him. Like I say to Nilda, "No Jesus in the house!"

More Challenger

Since everyone loves a disaster story, here's more video. This is an ABC piece from days after the crash, with video of the fuel leak that caused the explosion:




This one has this weird computer voice, but at about 1:35, it identifies several parts of the ship, including a wing and the crew cabin. Notice how small the crew cabin is in relation to the explosion:

Ok, now I'm done.

The TRUTH About Barack Obama

Here's a forward everyone will soon see. It's a rip off of Chuck Norris, but it's hilarious. Thanks to Jason Salus for the forward.

• Barack Obama wears a FLAG PIN at all times. Even in the shower.·
• Barack Obama says the PLEDGE OF ALLEGIANCE every time he sees an American flag. He also ends every sentence by saying, "WITH LIBERTY AND JUSTICE FOR ALL." Click here for video of Obama quietly mouthing the PLEDGE OF ALLEGIANCE in his sleep.
• A tape exists of Michelle Obama saying the PLEDGE OF ALLEGIANCE at a conference on PATRIOTISM.
• Every weekend, Barack and Michelle take their daughters HUNTING.
• Barack Obama is a PATRIOTIC AMERICAN. He has one HAND over his HEART at all times. He occasionally switches when one arm gets tired, which is almost never because he is STRONG.
• Barack Obama has the DECLARATION OF INDEPENDENCE tattooed on his stomach. It's upside-down, so he can read it while doing sit-ups.
• There's only one artist on Barack Obama's iPod: FRANCIS SCOTT KEY.
• Barack Obama is a DEVOUT CHRISTIAN. His favorite book is the BIBLE, which he has memorized. His name means HE WHO LOVES JESUS in the ancient language of Aramaic. He is PROUD that Jesus was an American.
• Barack Obama goes to church every morning. He goes to church every afternoon. He goes to church every evening. He is IN CHURCH RIGHT NOW.
• Barack Obama's new airplane includes a conference room, a kitchen, and a MEGACHURCH.
• Barack Obama's skin is the color of AMERICAN SOIL.
• Barack Obama buys AMERICAN STUFF. He owns a FORD, a BASEBALL TEAM, and a COMPUTER HE BUILT HIMSELF FROM AMERICAN PARTS. He travels mostly by FORKLIFT.
• Barack Obama says that Americans cling to GUNS and RELIGION because they are AWESOME.

Challenger Disaster

Nilda and I just finished "When We Left The Earth" and loved it. But what's stuck with me was its section on the Challenger explosion. I didn't know the crew survived the initial explosion.

The explosion was caused by a failure of the O-rings in the boosters, which were supposed to flex and move to seal in gases at the joints. But it was so cold (40 degrees following a freeze in the low 20s, beating the previous coldest launch at 53 degrees) that day that the O-rings froze and were brittle, unable to bend and move as needed to create a seal. And since the launch was scheduled for the morning, there was not enough time for the sun to thaw the O-rings. A puff of black smoke at liftoff revealed the first crack in the seal, which later erupted into a fireball during liftoff.

The crew survived the explosion. Despite NASA's attempt to create the appearance otherwise, they were alive when the ship exploded and they knew what was going on. Three of the astronauts' air packs were turned on and the pilot's last transmission was "Uh-oh." The theory is that they blacked out almost immediately after the cabin lost pressure, although there is no way to tell whether or not the cabin lost pressure.

It is undisputed that they were all alive when they hit the water, and no one survived after that. They fell for 2 minutes, 45 seconds. There was a transcript of the final moments of the astronauts, but this was proved to be a hoax. The boosters were detonated remotely.

There was enough blame to go around. NASA was blamed for launching in unsafe conditions, there was pressure to launch too many missions, and Congress was faulted for not giving enough funding.

Here's CNN's coverage (notice the narrator who seems completely unprepared)

Here's footage with a view from the ground.

Victorious

Somewhere, in the deep recesses of my mind, the world cheers my achievements at spider solitaire.

VP Ledbetter

I'm sick of election blogs, too, but check this out. Obama's main goal right now is not fucking things up. He's ahead in the battleground states and he's way ahead in the national polls. There's no need for him to even go negative because McCain is tanking himself. Obama's even smoothings this out with Hillary by helping her with her campaign debt (a deal that was probably brokered weeks ago but kept under wraps until the attention died down).

Obama's VP choice, therefore, shouldn't rock the boat. Rather than being exciting or ground-breaking, Obama should pick a nice, boring VP candidate who won't mess up what's been a great campaign, so far. To me, Biden is looking better and better. He's been around a long time, so he's not a new face to get in the way, while at the same time letting Obama tout his experience and foreign policy experience. I was thinking he'd be Secretary of State, but with the current situation, he's a safe pick for VP, plagiarism and all.

On a whole other topic, I've only glanced at today's Supreme Court decision holding, for the first time, that the 2nd Amendment provides an individual right to bear arms, but I'm going into it with an open mind. The Court took a lot of heat for holding earlier this year, in a case called Ledbetter, that a woman who was discriminatorily paid less then her male counterparts for 20 years could not sue, based on the statute of limitations.

The Court held that since the discriminatory decision was made 20 years ago, and that since she conceded that the decisions since then were not discriminatory, she could not sue based on discrimination from two decades ago. The Court specifically distinguished its prior decision in Bazemore, where the Court held that decisions made with discriminatory intent that continued into the statutory period were actionable. As bad as the result was, a woman paid less then men for her whole career could not sue, it was based on valid reasoning.

Election Bored

I've come to accept that Nilda and I are Obama's base. When all the talking heads talk about how Obama won the college-educated liberals, all I can think is, "That's us!" The problem is that things can only go downhill from here.

I was so excited for Obama to win the nomination. I looked forward to Obama being the first democrat to break through the Republican cloud and finally make the changes that me and all my elitist, liberal friends were hoping for. But then, to my utter dismay, John McCain turned out to be a terrible candidate. From his horrific green screen speech to his embrace of Bush's hated policies, he has no idea how to motivate his own party, much less the general electorate. If anything, McCain makes Obama look even sharper and more appealing as the future of this country.

So the general election has become boring. Obama looks like he's going to waltz through to the election and I won't get the climactic showdown I was hoping for. If anything, it seems clear that the country is no where near McCain's position. My biggest fear is that Obama (or a supporter) is going to do something stupid, either a flubbed comment or speech that doesn't meet my unreasonably high expectations. I've peaked, and it's only June.

To all the Clinton supporters still mourning her loss, I know it's tough to watch somebody you don't really trust take the lead. But remember, this is how the rest of us felt throughout the entire Clinton era. It's your turn to take the backseat, now.

Also, here's a great New York Magazine article about the intricacies of Obama's speeches, how his use of alliteration, groupings of three and simple phrases has raised the bar on speech-making in American politics.

Then look at this idiotic op-ed by David Brooks about how Bush was sooooo smart for the surge, even though everyone at the time said he should have done that a long time ago. Maybe, David, if Bush hadn't ignored common sense up until that time, the surge wouldn't have been necessary.

Finally, here's a great completely unrelated video from my mom. Thanks, Mom!

Bad Ass Of The Day: George Carlin

I tried watching a George Carlin special on HBO a few months ago and couldn't get through it. It was long-winded, a bit elitist and a lot dated. And he looked terrible, a lot older than his 71 years. But he was still awesome. He turned down a successful career as a clean-cut comedian to become a counterculture comic for their pot-smoking kids. He kept up his routine even though it led to an arrest for obscenity. It was his balls early on that led to his later elevation to icon. Here's a link to his "Seven Dirty Words" routine from his prime, which was specifically mentioned in a Supreme Court decision about obscenity.

We Went Outside This Weekend!

We did! For about five hours on Saturday, and it was everything I thought it would be. Here's a recap of our weekend:

• We saw The Diving Bell & The Butterfly, a true story about a french editor of Elle who, after suffering a stroke in 1995, was diagnosed with "locked in" syndrome, where the only thing he could move were his eyelids. The movie is about how he wrote his autobiography by blinking to a nurse. I just ordered it on Amazon. It fucked me up for the whole weekend.
• Nilda and I sat in the park for a few hours on Saturday watching other people open at least 5 bottles of prosecco. Good idea, universe.
• I convinced the Mr. Softee truck to make me a float, but to blend it like a milkshake. I. Am. Brilliant.
• Nilda got a milkshake. I drink your milkshake, Nilda.
• In preparation for Sunday, Nilda and I then went to PJ Liquor Warehouse, the absolute best wine & liquor shop you will ever go to. The woman giving samples of Absolut, after looking at our cart, asked if we were having a party. We said no, just stocking up the house. She responded, "I like how you roll."
• We got St. Germain, a french liqueur which tastes like lychee, and Patron XO, a tequila liqueur that goes great in coffee (like Baileys).
• St. Germain + Tanqueray 10 + tonic = awesome.
• David Brooks, who's usually hit or miss, had a fantastic article about how Obama, for all his talk about "new politics," is a shrewd and talented politician. One talking head on Sunday morning said that liberals love that split personality. We do.
• The plan was to take a bottle of Proseco to the park on Sunday, but the rain kept us in.
• St. Germain + Brugal rum + fresh mint + seltzer = perfect Sunday afternoon.
• Too much perfect Sunday afternoon leads to nap.
• I met my goal of writing a blog post this weekend! Hooray!

Letting The Whole School Down

I know, I know. I've been lax in my continuing obligation to entertain the masses with my witty and insightful musings on the meaning of life, the universe and Andrew's inner conflict over his gayness. Just so you know, I'm thinking about writing blogs on Tiger Woods, how I'm proud of my country for the first time in my adult life and the difficulty of blogging & why Yael's blog is the ideal blog. In the meantime, here's a link to a blog about the tv show "Coach" that Jeremy somehow found. I have no desire to read it, either.

Bad Ass Of The Day: Dennis Kucinich

Today, Kucinich proposed two dozen charges against President Bush seeking his impeachment for executing a "calculated and wide-ranging strategy" to deceive citizens and Congress into believing that Iraq posed an imminent threat to the United States. Both Congressional Democrats and Obama, understandably, want nothing to do with this radioactive motion, but good for Kucinich for showing the balls to stand up and let history know that at least one Congressman stood up and took a stand about how we were wrongly led into war.

Brian's Energy Policy

We've finally learned what the price of gas would need to reach to impact consumer usage, and it's $4/barrel. The goal must be energy independence where the US is not so dependent on one form of energy that we are vulnerable enough to be held hostage by it.

Here's The Golden Path:

Technology. As I've been saying for years, individuals will not change their daily lives. We need to adapt our technology to foster cars, buildings and appliances that take no extra effort, but save energy (like the energy-saver light bulbs). People won't stop driving, but they won't mind driving more energy-efficient vehicles.

Taxes. The market must change so that there is an incentive to be energy-efficient. The only way to do that is to keep gas over $4/gallon, the point that actually impacts the market. Simply taxing the US oil companies won't help, since they only control about 10% of the worldwide oil supply. Once we find a way to get gas prices under control, we need taxes that will keep gas above $4, with the revenues going to finance alternative energies elsewhere. Oil can no longer be a cheap energy solution.

Drilling. Before we can adopt new energy resources, we need a short-term solution to get out of our oil-dependent crisis. This means harvesting oil in North America, including ANWAR and the continental shelf. This is is full of hard choices and we need to think long-term. Democrats need to bend on this one. While we cannot go in and drill everything in sight, we need to get as much oil as we can now, to give us some breathing room until we can develop other energy resources.

There. The Most Important Blog In The Country has spoken.

The Beatles Rule

It's a fact. The Beatles are the perfect band, holding together the early days of rock 'n roll and modern music as we know it. The only thing better than the Beatles is the myth that surround them. Here are some random facts:

• George wrote "Here Comes the Sun" when he played hooky from work and spent the day at a friend's garden. That friend was Eric Clapton.
• George was not upset when his wife Patti left him to marry Eric Clapton. While Clapton thought they had to fight it out, George recognized that his marriage had been falling apart for years and was happy for Eric and Patti.
• Although John was the leader, Paul was always in control. He decided to make the second side of Abbey Road a medley and nixed George's proposed guitar part on "Hey Jude" that answered the verse.
• Paul wrote "Her Majesty" while waiting for the others to get to the studio. It was supposed to go between "Mean Mr. Mustard" and "Polythene Pam" but didn't work. He was right.
• Ringo blames the fact that he is left-handed for the lack of drum rolls on the Beatles records (he always needed a beat to get his hands in the right place). He was very proud of his drumming on "Rain" because he finally had a good fill.
• By the time of the "early" Beatles years of "Love Me Do" and "She Loves You," the Beatles had been playing together for years, including spending most of 2 years in Hamburg, Germany. Ringo was not yet in the band and would not join until after they were signed.
• John said that by the time they went to America, their best days as a band were behind them.
• The Beatles did not get a recording contract on their first audition with Decca Records. The guy who turned them down later started an auto-biography called, "The Man Who Turned Down the Beatles," but passed away before finishing it. Following the Beatles, he later signed the Rolling Stones.
• Cynthia Lennon claims that during their 5 year relationship, they never used birth control of any kind and only had one child, Sean. I don't believe her, either.
• In their early days, Paul lived with the family of his girlfriend, Jane Asher. His relationship with Jane's family turned out to have been more important than his relationship with Jane.
• Cynthia Lennon came home from a vacation to find John and Yoko sitting in their living room together, with Yoko wearing Cynthia's bathrobe. Cynthia responded by saying, "John, would you like to come to dinner?"
• Here's a video from the "early" days, playing "Some Other Guy," a rare cover song that the Beatles were proudly one of the few bands to play. As great as this is, the most striking thing is how normal the performance is by today's standards:

Sex & The Shitty: Post-Mortem

I sat in a theater full of women watching Sex & The City and pondered my blog. The world needs to know how The Most Important Blog In The World would respond, and I recognized the significance of the responsibility I was to bare. But that was a week ago and I still hadn't written anything. Here goes.

I did not hate the movie. There I said it, and that's as close to a "like" as you're going to get. I think it helped that I saw the movie in a crowd of fans. The lobby was full of women looking like they were getting ready to go "dancing," female code for going out to have guys hit on them. Waiting for the movie to start, Nilda had fun picking out how many "husbands" she could find. She found three husbands, not counting the two male couples who were there together.

Without giving away any of the plot for the ladies who have not seen it yet (i.e., Matt), the movie was not bogged down by many of the flaws from the show. There was no random sex, at least among the characters, and there wasn't enough of the male characters to make them a focus of everything. The movie, if anything, was a statement about sexuality and women over 40.

Reaction has been mixed, and here's where I see the spilt: If you liked the series finale, you'll hate the movie; if you didn't like the finale or were ambivalent, you'll love the movie. The movie will be loved most by women who - correctly - thought the finale was contrived and a little too easy. This is the big emotional crescendo that they had hoped for.

But the crying. Oy, the crying. But that's why they were there! You could smell estrogen. The smart ones, like Nilda, didn't wear mascara because they were prepared. Whoever wrote this knew that they were writing a movie for women to watch after a break-up. The dvd sales are going to be through the roof on this one!

A Cotton Ball Died In Our Bedroom

Everyone, this is the new rug. New rug, this is everyone.


This is all Nilda's fault. Luckily, I can make snow angels in it.

Keep Your Mazel Tov

Over the past few days, I've heard, "It must be happy at your house" or "Congratulations" or some other question implying that I should feel some kind of personal satisfaction that Obama is now conclusively the nominee. Putting aside the fact that we've all known for quite some time that Obama would be the nominee, I feel no sense of personal accomplishment. There's no need to congratulate me. That just makes me feel weird.

While we're at it, nothing is being "taken away" from Hillary. There were a series of elections to see who could get more delegates, and she lost. That's it. You can't say she wasn't given a chance, since she was the inevitable nominee right up until the voting started. The superdelegates didn't take it away from her, since they were all on her side right up until she started losing all the caucus states that she ignored. And let's not forget that she would have been just fine if the superdelegates had ignored the pledged delegates to make her the nominee in spite of the voters. This was an election and she lost. The only way it could have been taken from her is if it was hers in the first place, and it wasn't.

So no, don't congratulate me. I'm not happy that it had to end this way, with a bitter division in the party that Hillary is trying to use as leverage to get something, although no one is allowed to know what that something is. There's no need to congratulate anyone where the losing candidate's supporters are going to support McCain, even though he is completely at odds with Hillary and adverse to many of the issues she's fought for. Please, let's not be so dramatical.

Clinton As VP

So Hillary Clinton did not endorse Obama, as I predicted. But that's just because she's intimidated by The Most Important Blog In The World.

The real question now is whether Hillary will be the VP nominee. She will not. Yes, she told her supporters that she would accept the slot if offered to her, but that was just for show. This is because (1) she doesn't play second fiddle to anyone and (2) she knows that Obama would not ask her. But she has to at least give the appearance of being willing to accept the position so that she doesn't look like a sore loser.

You can really see the fact that Hillary knows her campaign season is over by Bill's statements yesterday that it would be his last time working on a campaign. Clearly, he should support whoever is the Democratic nominee, especially since he's not trying to stay out of politics. But Bill Clinton, like Brian, doesn't campaign for anyone other than himself. Ever.

Clinton's Exit Strategery

Tomorrow night, following the last of the primaries, Clinton will suspend her campaign and endorse Barack Obama. She has told her biggest fundraisers to attend her speech in NYC tomorrow. She is scheduled to return to Washington on Wednesday and has no further campaign events planned. She has told her staffers to submit all receipts for reimbursement by the end of the week.

The condition for her departure is that she gets to be the one to heal and unite the party. Obama has told all of the superdelegates who will support him that they must publicly commit immediately after Tuesday night, and no later than Thursday. This, of course, will let Hillary position herself as the great healer, the one who gave up "the popular vote*" in favor of party unity. Hillary has allegedly threatened that if there is no rush of support to Obama following her withdrawal, she will resume her campaign and take it all the way to the Convention.

Lessons of the day:

• Hillary's like that little kid who won't give up an argument unless he gets to end it on his terms and, if not, threatens to take his ball and go home.
• Clinton must endorse Obama tomorrow. Anything less will make her endorsement meaningless and will prevent her from becoming the great unifier of the Democratic Party.
• The fact that Clinton did not win the popular vote is no reason for her not to say she did.
• Tomorrow night will determine Clinton's legacy. I say she'll give a guarded endorsement of Obama, leaving the door open just enough for a run in 2012. Whether Obama wins or loses, the party will never forgive her for making the election about her.
• The Clinton era is over. The Clinton influence, like the Kennedy influence, will never go away.

Random Fact

The actor who plays the helicopter pilot on Lost is the same actor who played The Lawnmower Man.

This fascinating bit of information was just not interesting enough for Nilda, so I felt the need to share.

Sex And The Shitty

This morning, Nilda asked me to go see the Sex in the City movie with her this weekend. Let me be clear: I hated Sex in the City series. I found it boring, pretentious and completely out of touch with the reality of life in New York City. I was also painfully aware that so many women identified with the show and particularly its characters, which made my failure to relate to those characters all the more frustrating. The show was a reminder that I was not living the way that I was supposed to, even though it was a way of life I did not want and could not understand. I understood exactly why people either loved the show or hated it.

The movie seems different, and the reviews have been overwhelming positive. The critics have said that while it remains true to the original series, it is not a traditionally happy story, and it focuses on the sense of aging of the characters, and that its the finale the show should have had. It's surprising to me that a show that embodied the pre-9/11 New York is still so powerfully relevant and anticipated, and I have to admit I'm curious to see it.

Furthermore, Sarah Jessica Parker's interview on the Today show this morning made want to see the movie. She seemed grateful for the opportunity to have made the film, and pleased that the movie would finally be over so she could spend more time with her son. When asked about making a sequel, she said something like, "You'll have to ask my son."

So, yes, I'm going to see the movie, but not because I want to, but because (1) I'm a good husband and (2) it offers insight into the present cultural climate (you know, for the blog and stuff). Don't worry, though, it's not a total loss for me. Now I've got "There Will Be Blood" as number one in the netflix queue, and you just know that Nilda is DYING to see that.

Setting A Good Example

This weekend in Philly, I was playing with the nieces - all five of them! - at Caryn's house. Lacey, the two-year-old, comes running into the living room where I am, holding her arm and pouting her lips. I say, "What's wrong??," to which she says, "Ana!," her older sister. After a few minutes of oooing and aaahing at her arm, I say, "Go get her!" Lacey runs off into the kitchen. Ten seconds later, I hear Caryn yell from the kitchen, "Lacey! No hitting!! Who told you to do that??" Francesca, in the living room with me, says "Oooo, you're in trouble!"

Uncle Brian, teaching life's most important lessons.

Tips On Defending A Deposition

• When opposing counsel gets an answer they don't like, they will get upset and tell your client that he or she didn't answer your question. Make sure your client knows that it's a good sign when the other lawyer is upset.
• Volume is a powerful weapon. Use it wisely.
• Imagine sitting in suspense for 7 hours digging your nails into your chair, terrified at what your client might say next. That's what defending a deposition feels like.
• Don't be afraid to get angry. Sometimes you need to show them you have teeth so they know you have them. Lesson of the day: I have anger management issues.
• Standing up to "take a break" is a great way to shut the other lawyer up. It's like putting them in time out.
• Saying "for the record" looks lame when you're reading the record.
• Getting screamed at by the other lawyer isn't personal. Don't be shy, and feel free to return the favor.
• There's nothing wrong with working on your blog during a deposition. Right?
• Watch your liquid intake. No big coffee.
• Every question has a reason. It's your job to listen and figure out what the other side's theory of the case is going to be.
• Explain the importance of a good breakfast to your client. Refer to the commercial from the 80's with the flat basketball that won't bounce. Make sure the client eats lunch.
• The court reporters pay attention. It's a good sign when they raises their eyebrows about your client's allegations.
• Send Matt text messages reminding him how gay he is.
• Big firms like to show off by offering coffee and soda in the conference rooms, sometimes food. Enjoy.
• Check out the great views and lavish offices of the overpaid management lawyers. Remember, you're the good guys.

Clinton's Appalachian Victory

The unspoken secrect behind Clinton win's in Kentucky, West Virginia and Tennessee, as well as her support among "white working class voters," is Appalacia. Take a look at this column from Sunday's Times, showing how Clinton's support follows the boundaries of Appalachia. Then take a look at this clip from The Daily Show (courtesy of Yael's hilarious blog) of voters from West Virginia stating that they won't vote for Obama because (1) he's from another race, (2) he's a muslim and (3) we've had enough of "Hussein."

Today, MS asked me what it meant that the voters of West Virginia and Kentucky voted for Clinton, even though it's already going to Obama. Rather than saying it's because they're racist, I said the real lesson is that the Democratic party is not deciding the nominee based on these contests. Whether it's race or the fact that these voters will never vote democratic in the fall, Appalachia is not deciding the nominee.

PS - This is my 150th post. You're welcome, world.

The Reason For The 21st Amendment

Live Blogging Edwards' Endorsement

Nilda bet me her pinky finger that I'd blog about John Edwards' endorsement of Obama. I told her that I'd own her pinky. Then I saw the endorsement. Nilda may keep her pinky.

• Edwards timed his move perfectly. He waited until the last "white state" voted in West Virginia, then came out to speak on their behalf. He comes in representing those voters, even though he's endorsing the candidate those voters soundly rejected.
• If Edwards had waited any longer, his endorsement would have meant nothing. Very smart timing.
• Praising the other candidate always makes the endorsement that much stronger. When you hate one candidate, no one cares who you like. Edwards endorsement of Clinton was remarkable.
• Nilda never cared about Edwards before. Now she says, "He's a good looking man."
• This means Edwards won't get the VP slot. Edwards won't be able to generate this kind of excitement again.
• I've said it before, I'll say it again. Edwards is the ideal Secretary of the Interior, focusing on poverty and housing.
• Not sure if it's real or not, but this feels like a turning point, the end of the primary battle. See bullet above re: Edwards' timing.
• "Yes we can" is back. Look at that.
• Edwards said that only Obama could unify the "two Americas" that he's been talking about in two presidential elections. I can't believe Edwards gave Obama the "two Americas" argument. Edwards must have been promised something goooooood.
• Obama isn't just like a rock star, he is a rock star. He's the Beatles of politicians. Speaking of which, I'm totally into the Beatles right now, but that's another post.
• "This is our time." I think Edwards stole that one from the Goonies.
• Clinton's been around long enough to know that this boost in Obama's momentum won't last forever, especially with her lead in Kentucky. She's also been around long enough to know there isn't enough left in the race for her to catch him without destroying her own legacy. Whatever she's looking to get for herself has to come soon, or else she won't have any leverage to negotiate.

I Love My iPhone. I Just Don't Have It Yet.

It's no secret that I've been dying for an iPhone since they first came out (curse you, damn verizon contract!). Here's the unauthorized story behind my recent temptation with the Blackberry.

Andrew, being the selfless and devoted husband he is, permitted his cherished wife Harley to get the one remaining iPhone, while he sacrificed by accepting a Blackberry instead. (Here's helping a brother out before father's day!). He loves it. Here are the benefits I've noticed the Blackberry has over the iPhone:

1. Email. The Blackberry can push email from various accounts, so that you're notified immediately when an email comes in. With the iPhone, I'm told, you have to check yourself for new emails or set the phone to check a minimum of 5 minutes apart, which also uses up battery life. The button-keypad also appears much easier to navigate than the touch-screen on the iPhone.

2. Cost. The Blackberry is significantly cheaper. This doesn't come into play on the initial investment of the iPhone. Rather, it's for those of us who think ahead and consider the time when we will inevitably break our sparkling new iPhones.

For me, there are three reasons why I need a smartphone: email, NJTransit train times, and research to prove I'm right (imdb, wikipedia). That's right. I need an iPhone to prove to my beautiful bride that I'm right, and then rub her face in it. Sure, I could occasionally be wrong, like I usually am, but that's way in the past.

Bottom line: what I really want is a web browser, and the Blackberry just can't compete on that level. The iPhone is the only device on the market that lets the user look at the web as if on a computer, rather than a watered-down html version. No contest, the iPhone is the device I have been waiting for. The end of my Verizon contract in September can't come fast enough.

Bill O'Dickhead

Here's a video going around of a pre-Factor Bill O'Reilly losing his temper when the teleprompter breaks.

Happy Mother's Day

Happy Mother's Day, Mom!!! I love you!!!!!

Also a Happy Mother's Day to Stella, Caryn, Harley, Mary, Kate, Paula and all you other lovely ladies who give from the womb. You know who you are!

Fuck Off, MSNBC

I'm not sure what gave MSNBC the right to think they could call it, but the democratic primary is not over. There are still primaries left where Clinton is by far the favorite. At the end of this process, neither Clinton nor Obama will probably have enough delegates to guarantee the nomination. To say that Clinton should just drop out doesn't make any sense, to her or to the masses of voters who will support her in the upcoming primaries.

On the other hand, Obama is probably going to be the nominee. Besides the benefits of Tim Russert's coronation, Clinton has gone so negative in the primaries that she probably can't recover enough to earn new support amongst the party. Obama, on the other hand, hasn't attacked her nearly as hard, leaving him a little tarnished, but still able to stand as the unifying symbol of new polities as he did back in February.

In any event, I'm looking forward to an election about real issues: the economy, Supreme Court justices and, most importantly, the war in Iraq. Prediction: you're going to hear a hell of a lot more about "change" from now until November.

P.S. - The best thing I ever heard Chris Matthews say was on the Tuesday of North Carolina/Indiana: "Next, when we come back, we'll talk about the role race played in the election. Aw, do we have to? Haven't we talked about it enough already? Can't we just go one night without it? All right (resigned), when we come back, we'll talk about race."

The Fifth Element

I've got a lot of problems with the plot holes in The Fifth Element. They replicate the dna of this robot looking alien and it comes out looking like that Mila Jivovawhatshername? Doesn't make any sense. This topic came up a surprising number of times on the cruise. Jeremy always had the best response: "Really? I thought that movie was air tight."

Cruise Pics

The Cruise

• Everyone says I'm a planner. I say I just think things through.
• Going to the beach every day was a good plan, Irene.
• Cruises are inherently cheesy, with dance shows, 50s parties and ho downs (none of which we did). Still, there's something nice about watching people enjoy the cheesy stuff.
• It took a couple of days to learn how to deal with that much intake of food. After one particularly bad moment staring at a lamb shank, I got things under control. By the end, I was up to 4 appetizers, 2 entrees, and 2 deserts, no problem.
• I gained 8 pounds in 9 days. Nice!
• When you get to dinner at 9:30, and they wind up turning the lights on while you're eating an entree, you know you're eating late.
• I'm trying to think of something clever to say about the food-to-poop ratio. I've got nothing.
• Sit down meals are way better than the buffet, with slow people who have no clue that other human beings also exist in this world. Btw, I'm not very patient. I discriminate against the stupid.
• Things I didn't pack enough of: slacks, shirts and underwear. I had plenty of socks.
• Apparently, the plan was for Nilda to get a piece of jewelry for our one-year anniversary. I was only made aware of this plan after Nilda picked out the ring she liked.
• It cost me $12 to spend 10 minutes writing an email to the family. Nilda's still pissed at me for it.
• Jeremy, Irene, Nilda and I played pinochle all the time. Coincidentally, this was also the closest that we every came to fighting amongst ourselves. It was like old times, except without Mary's 42 point bids (which we all agreed she always makes).
• Jeremy and Irene are way too good at counting cards in pinochle.
• Favorite line from Ratatouille (a bad name for a good movie): "I don't like food, I love food, and if I don't love it, I don't swallow." That's what she said.
• I will never understand the people who forgo the sit down dinner for the buffet or (gasp!), a cheeseburger for dinner.
• I read Philip Roth's "Everyman," a fantastic book about an older man lamenting his lost youth. The irony was not lost on me.
• "Neap tide" is an actual term. Still, it was fun to mercilessly taunt Irene for having made it up. We really neaped her a new one.
• We spent Saturday night at the El San Juan resort, which was fantastic and WAY better than going home right from the cruise. I woke up before 8:00 am on Sunday to get one of the beds by the pool, where I promptly fell asleep for 2 hours. It...was...awesome.
• The best beach weather is partly cloudy.
• As part of our nightly martini sessions, explaining why we were always late for dinner, I ordered a "Campini" one time, a Campari martini. This was positively the worst tasting thing I've ever put in my mouth. That's what she said. Nilda told me to "man up," until she tasted it and it was so bad that it brought her to tears.
• Jeremy thinks that the worst part of being in a cruise ship band is playing when no one is listening. I say the worst part is playing "Redemption Song" every day for months on end.
• Surprisingly great song: "Private Eyes" by Hall & Oates.
• Did you know that you can burn the insides of your elbows? I didn't. Also, sand doesn't prevent sunburn on your feet the way it's supposed to.
• Irene: "I don't go on vacation to wear closed-toed shoes."
• Jeremy doesn't like to be the line leader. Following his lead lasts about 2 minutes, until he turns around to ask you where we're going.
• I'm sending Irene to coffee and bailey's anonymous, to deal with her coffee and bailey's addiction.
• My favorite beach was this deserted island we took a water taxi to in Bonaire. The only carbon footprint we left was a lot of pee and Jeremy's hat. RIP, Jeremy's hat.
• Filling out the questionnaire at the end, Nilda and I were unsure how to respond when asked if the cruise met your expectations. When you're expectations are through the roof, saying they were met just doesn't seem fair.
• We all agreed that getting off the plane in NY was one of the worst moments in our lives.
• We had a fantastic time with Jeremy and Irene, and its great to know we've got such good friends. It was a neaping good time.
• We took 242 pictures, and that's not including the ones Jeremy and Irene took. Give us a little time to get them together.
• This cruise marked our one-year wedding anniversary, to which Nilda noted, "Can you believe it, papi? One year! And I didn't kill you!" Happy anniversary, Nilda. I love you, too.

Away Message

Hello. I'll be out of the office next week. Suck it. I'm coming back with pictures.

My Introduction To The New Receptionist

"Brian, this is Frankie, who you met yesterday. She'll be starting on Monday."

"Wow, that's great. Hi, again, Frankie, great to hear you'll be joining us. Of course, I won't be here on Monday, so you all can go to hell. But I'll see you a week from Monday. Great! Looking forward to it!"

What's Most Important To Me

All I care about in the universe right now is making sure I get my butt on that cruise Nilda and I have planned for our one year wedding anniversary.

When is our anniversary? Good question! We technically got married in City Hall on May 1st, but we were married by the Rabbi in Punta Cana on May 5th. This year, we've decided on May 1st as our anniversary since we'll be on the cruise then and we'll be stuck back in NY on May 5th. We reserve the right to change our anniversary date election next year.

Where are we going on our cruise? Yet another good question! You must have done this before. We're flying down to San Juan, Puerto Rico, home of my kids' ancestors then going to the following ports:

- St. Thomas, U.S. Virgin Islands
- St. Kitts, St. Kitts & Nevis
- Grenada
- Bonaire, Netherlands Antilles
- Aruba
- Back to San Juan (spending the night at the El San Juan Hotel).

We fly down to San Juan on Saturday morning, the boat leaves that night. Check out the webcam next week and try to see me. I'll be the drunk one puking in the pool.

Happy Anniversary, sweetheart!

Trip To Central Islip

I was rudely dragged to the Eastern District in Central Islip for a hearing on a temporary restraining order today, at the courthouse in Suffolk County. This courthouse is ridiculously gorgeous. Driving up, it's a giant white building against an empty sky. You can see the ocean from the upper floors. It looks like something between a movie theater and a space ship.

The train ride back reminded me why I don't like Long Island. All you can see are strip malls and parking spaces against a depressingly flat background. Buildings are close together, but not close enough to make it urban. It's "white ethnic," but too close to NYC to make it hick country.

We won the motion. This means that someone has to go back there next week for the more substantial hearing for a preliminary injunction. Too bad it won't be me because my bitch-ass is gonna be in the Caribbean. Woo-hoo!

Brian's Trip to the Dentist

I haven't had a cavity in 20 years. Apparently, my upper left-hand molar didn't get the memo. Putting aside the fact that I never thought I'd live to use the "20 years" phrase, I was surprised at how alarmed I was to learn about this cavity. Specifically, it was a tooth fracture with an accompanying cavity. Never underestimate how shocking the word "fracture" can be. Filled with a mix of childhood fear of the dentist and adult fear of getting old, I went through drilling, smoke from my teeth and a very large needle.

Needless to say, it's time for Act. (Is anyone other than Andrew going to get that?)

Over-analyzing & the Law

Our reply in the case before the Court of Appeals is due tomorrow. This one was hard. I'm not so worried about the arguments defendants made in their brief, as much as I'm trying to close any loopholes the court may rely on to deny the motion.

This morning, I was getting my dirty water coffee with another lawyer from the office, and we were discussing some Supreme Court cases that are involved. The dirty water coffee guy (the very same!) said, "I have no idea what you guys are talking about" or something. (Side note: he's a computer programming expert).

This got me thinking about what makes the law so intimidating. Then, washing dishes, I realize it: the law is about overthinking everything. It's about taking a simple fact pattern and analyzing the hell out of it, far beyond any reasonable limits. It's not that the law is hard, just not worth the effort for most people.

Live Blogging Yet Another Debate

• Man, I'm getting bored with this primary. I used to hang on every word in the debates, waiting to see how Obama and Clinton would respond to each other. Now I just wait to see if anyone says something new.
• Nilda's still not a fan of Hillary. Shocker!
• Things I never want to hear in a debate again: health care, Reverend Wright, Tony Rezko, NAFTA, bitter Pennsylvania voters, flag pins, social security. Surprisingly, I'm still willing to hear about Bosnia.
• Yes, we know your website is HillaryClinton.com. There's no need to prove that you know what a website is.
• Nilda's sick. That means she's unable to lift her head far enough off the sofa to reach the glass of ginger ale on the coffee table.
• Is it wrong that I get a little offended when the guy who sells the dirty water coffee in my office building says "you're welcome" after I buy coffee? Don't get me wrong, I love me some dirty water coffee, and the dirty water coffee guy is great. But shouldn't he be thanking me for buying the coffee? Is it wrong for me to say "thank you," basically making him say, "you're welcome"? If only there was an etiquette expert to help me...
• Nilda says her eyes are hot from her fever.
• I love Top Chef. I'm always amazed at what those people are able to think of off the top of their heads.
• What else is on?